penelope222

Something i am wondering...in peoples experience should the partner of the addict not drink any alcohol if they want the addict to stop? Or is this another codependent idea?

Coldfusion

My wife and I got sober together. We couldn't have done it without each other.

penelope222

Thankyou for your reply but what i mean is should i refrain from having a glass of wine or not have a drink at a social event. Im not a big drinker but i have a drink sometimes.

Rogue

I think it would show your support if you didn't. At least during the first part of her recovery. Everyone is different but sometimes it's too much just to be around it. Hope that helps.

Carlotta

I am a recovering alcoholic and people's drinking does not affect my sobriety and does not bother me. His alcoholism is his disease not yours and it is up to him to take care of it.
While casual drinking has no impact on me, I stay away from people who are drinking alcoholically (I find drunks obnoxious).
Now if he is in very early sobriety, you might chose to be supportive of him by not keeping alcohol at home but it is really your choice. As codependents, we lived for a long time walking on eggshells, worrying about what the addict would do next, worrying about not "triggering" another binge. This is nuts!
You are an individual and you can have a glass of wine if it pleases you. If he uses it as an excuse to get drunk, it is on him.

lizwig

I liken this to eating a massive piece of chocolate cake in front of a diabetic that I love...or someone I know that struggles terribly with their weight. Just because I may not have to worry about these issues doesn't mean I shouldn't show understanding and empathy to those who do. I would personally save the glasses of wine until you are out alone with your own friends. There are times it is the supportive, and nice, thing to do. Just my opinion.

lorelei

Hi Penelope,
Personally, if you were able not to drink, that would really help your partner, just knowing you have that support and not feeling you as the alcoholic are stopping the supportive drinking, will make a huge difference and as your partner gets stronger in their sobriety, you may well find you can drink and they won't mind at all x

penelope222

Thankyou for replies. I understand support but hes not trying to get sober. He is a binge drinker..having a wonderful time!!! Carlotta that makes sense to me for my particular situation. Thankyou

penelope222

Lor thanks. I wish you well for this month..and beyond...

lorelei

Thanks P, sorry I misunderstood your situation xx

someoneswife

I think it just depends on the comfort of the addict. I've heard lots of people who didn't want to be around people who drank while they were in recovery. My husband on the other hand doesn't care if I have a class of wine or a drink. He just asks that I don't buy beer to keep in the fridge. He was a drug user not an alcoholic but he's in early rocovery and doesn't want to rock the cross addiction waters

Sorry I just realized that you weren't talking about someone in recovery. I have no experiment with this but I can't figure out how to remove my post. I'm having a slow thinking day.

penelope222

Thanks most assume the recovery. Unfortunately not! When he gave up before i didnt drink around him. He is a drug user too..infact thats where hes been all day. Left this morning while i went to the shop and still not home! I never know what to do when he arrives in. Should i be nice? Ignore him? Is nice enabling him? Is ignoring him not letting go?

someoneswife

I say be whatever you feel! I was clueless about my husbands addiction. I just though he had become some monster that I didn't know and I ended up moving out. Three months later he admitted he had a problem and entered rehab. I've met lots of people in al anon who are living with active addiction in their homes and have still found serenity!!

Kindeyes

The part of your question that is codependent thinking is "if they want the addict to stop". There is nothing.....absolutely nothing.....that we can do to actually get the alcoholic/addict to stop.

However, if someone was in early recovery, as a courtesy I would not drink around them. That is one of the reasons that AA or NA is a good outlet for people in recovery.....they re-learn how to socialize without drinking or drugging. Alcoholics supporting alcoholics. Addicts supporting addicts.

gentle hugs
ke

bluebelle

You're worried about drinking around him, but he's not interested in stopping? In that case, you should probably just do what is best for you. I don't see where it's going to matter whether you have a glass of wine, or not.

allforcnm

If you are not a big drinker, and it would suit you just as well to have a drink only when you’re out with your friends for example; then I think providing a sober environment can be a positive reinforcement for your loved one. If you are able to be together and have an enjoyable time without alcohol then it may reinforce to him that he can have a good time without a drink. Memory association and positive reinforcement.

If however you feel your depriving yourself because of him, then it could lead to inner feelings of resentment, and that's not good for you or the relationship. - it's what I would call more of a codependent issue. I'm giving, doing and not getting in return what I want.

If its a situation where he is sitting there binge drinking away, and your weighing your options over having a glass yourself, then simply do as you choose; he probably wont even notice.

Whatever you do, do it with a free heart and hopefully there will be no regrets.

zoso77

If you're out with friends and without your partner, if you enjoy a drink, then that's your call.

ZoSo

pravchaw

If he is active addiction (which it sounds like he is) it makes not an iota of difference to him if you drink a glass of wine or not. If a family member is in recovery then I think its not a bad idea to remove alcohol from the house and not drink in front of him.

MrsSalty

I, like you, am not a big drinker but do enjoy an occassional drink at dinner or whatever. My husband is newly sober (alcohol and pills) so I have refrained from having a drink at all around him. I even refrained from having a drink at a girls night before I would come home because I didn't want to smell like it. However, he's only about 6 weeks in. I plan on having one down the road as i see fit, which is super occassionally anyways. (ie. I've only had a drink like 4 times this year)