OneNightAWeek

If anyone has been through something like this, please help me out here because I am sort of confused and emotional right now.

Tomorrow I start my full time hours again (doing this because of my husbands addiction and baby on the way, want to be independent if need be)

My husband has been upset about this since I told him, he seems to feel that it is a sign I have no trust in him, his ability to provide for me and our child, and family knows I went part time and I also think it bothers him that now Ive told them Ive gone back full time. I did not say it was because of his using drugs. NONE of THEM know he is using drugs. Im not sure Im doing the right thing by keeping this from them but its what I decided for.

I had an appointment last week with the addiction doctor I have been seeing, and my husband seems to have accepted my going. He has been "talking" about going to see him for his drug problem, wont call it an addiction even though I feel it is but dont know technically.

Last week the day before I went he asked me if he could go with me, and he would like to talk to the doctor. I said Of course and was very happy. He talked a lot about how he wants to stop using, regain my trust before the baby comes, and he seems genuine. We both talked to the doctor for a short while, and then he asked to talk to my husband alone, and they talked for a long while, going over our appointment time. Then we talked together again. My husband told me in front of the doctor some of what he said I think so I would know he was truthful. He held my hand and said he wanted to fix it all and he would do whatever it took. He said he made appointments with the doctor for the next month, he would do whatever was suggested and even said he would go to support meetings. All was good.

He seemed depressed the next day, and was quiet. I figured he had a lot on his mind and tried to let him be. Friday night he came home high from work. I have not seen him visibly high in months, not since when I first came here. I was in shock, and didnt know how to handle it. I let is slide and we went out to dinner with some friends like we had planned. It was all ok. Saturday again he got high when we were home. I confronted him about it, and he said I was over reacting he did use but not much and he was not sure he needed help at all, he just liked to use to make him relaxed. RELAXED ! He said he wouldnt use any more all day, and I dont think he did. He apologized later on Saturday and I was sort of cold to him I admit. Yesterday he was acting so sorry and wanting to give me lots of attention. I know you are all thinking this is only manipulation. I dont know. I felt in my gut like he had been using, but I ignored it. We were intimate last night and he wasnt rough like was the problem in the past, but it felt like he was not there emotionally. I cried half the night while he slept. My husband is addicted, and he is in denial.

I talked to him earlier today, we had people over earlier and he was sociable and we all went ok. We still managed to talk, and he said he was scared about quitting, it is making him feel anxious, bringing out bad emotions and that is why he used. He said the doctor asked him if currently he is the man he wants to be, and he said no he isnt and he is disappointed in himself, and feels horrible.

Im so torn if this is true. Could his feelings and emotions cause him to use like that after he went off on how bad he wants to quit. I mean wouldnt that desire carry him through a few days ? He is upset I can tell its real.

I dont know what to do. before Im told to go to meetings, I have went to 3 so far, and Im thinking they are not for me. There are things I cant understand and make right in my mind and no one seems to be able to answer my questions. The sharing makes me feel depressed, not encouraged or stronger. I had one lady after a meeting tell me (and she knew I was upset at the time) but she said if I kept coming then I would get strong enough to leave him. But that is not why Im going at all. Anyway, I will talk to the addiction doctor again this week, but Im concerned there might be some conflict if my husband starts seeing him. I AM SO CONFUSED right now. MAYBE part of it is hormones I dont know. Please excuse my ramblings I had to get some of this out.

Katiekate

Honey, my feeling is that you both have a lot of denial going on.

I don't think it's a good idea for your husband to see the same counselor you see. You need your own support.

You don't trust him, with good reason. He is not going to give up anything for you, or your child. He likes drugs, he is going to do them.

If your boundry is no drug use around you or your child, and if he does not listen, then he has an issue with drugs. You continue to give him the message that it is okay.

This is tough stuff, you need the support of your friends and your family. You are not saving him by keeping this from anyone, you are protecting his drug use. This is a progressive disease, let him get sicker, you need to get better.

You keep providing him with a soft place to land, he will keep asking you to do that.

If this sounds tough I am sorry, but the reality is smacking me in the face.

sending love, Katie

AnvilheadII

try to watch his ACTIONS more and listen to his WORDS less.
talk is cheap. i'm gonna, I wanna, I should.....
bottom line - HE IS STILL USING. OFTEN. FREQUENTLY. coming home high, evidently having dope WITH him, bring it into the house and using behind your back. he keeps talking about WHEN the baby comes like you will be pregnant for another year or so.

we don't go to alanon to learn how to leave our husbands...and i'm sorry for how the woman stated things....but alanon CAN give you strength to leave or stay and know you are doing so from a healthy stable center.

I agree that perhaps it is time to talk to YOUR family about YOUR situation and set up a support structure. it's HIS drug problem, you have nothing to be ashamed of. we are only as sick as our secrets.

bluebelle

Your husband's behavior makes sense to me because I've seen someone in active addiction. When my bf still actively used drugs, we would have these conversations. We'd go back and forth whether or not he had a problem. He would make promises about drug use that he wouldn't keep.

It's good for you to have a separate counselor from him. Work on yourself. Do what you need to do for yourself and the baby. "Work the program you want him to work."

I know you feel like you're having good conversations with him, but the truth is he isn't going to stop until he is ready. Mapinupation is part of the disease--so is lying. He will say what he needs to say to get you off his back so that he can use. He might feel serious when he says he has a problem. However, it is an addiction, so that's why he keeps at it. He may feel it is a problem, but he's still not willing to give up the drug. Plus, when addicts are using, they aren't thinking straight. Their mind is on getting more drug.

It sounds like you are under a lot of pressure. He came home high, yet you put on a good face for the friends. Twice, you got together with friends when he was high, but you showed everybody it was fine, right?

I'm glad you have come here for help, and you are seeking out help in other places. Good for you!

Sara21

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Is there anyone in your family that you can reach out to? His parents maybe or some siblings? I know it's difficult to openly talk about it, but having someone to talk to may help you. It may lessen the burden for you if you know there is someone in the family who knows and supports you.

According to you "he said I was over reacting he did use but not much and he was not sure he needed help at all, he just liked to use to make him relaxed." This doesn't sound like someone who is ready to quit. If he's not willing to admit he has a problem, he won't do anything to fix it. I hate to say it, but it seems like he's more concerned about protecting his addiction than his family.

You mentioned that you both spent time with friends. Did you enjoy yourself? It was difficult for me to enjoy social gatherings with my AH (when he was using) because it felt like I was trying to cover up his problem by trying to act normal. It was depressing and mentally exhausting because instead of enjoying time with family/friends, my mind would be somewhere else.

I'm sorry that the meetings didn't work out for you, is there another group you could attend? Meetings shouldn't be about you leaving you husband, but about giving you the strength and tools to get through this situation (either with or without him). If we're not careful, the addiction will consume our lives and that is no way to live.

Hugs

EnglishGarden

Your isolation is not good for you nor for your baby, and before the baby is born, it would be a good idea to establish a relationship with a counselor--the addiction doctor has helped you but you need a long-term counselor, I would suggest a female counselor--and keep a weekly counseling appointment until you deliver. If the 12 Step meetings are not feeling right for you right now, then the best alternative is a professional counselor. You are in the middle of major change in your life, major transformation into motherhood, major transformation in your marriage as a result of drug addiction. You are young, you are emotionally isolated, and you are in a state of profound transition. If you can manage it financially, then a counselor with whom you can develop a trusting relationship could be so important as you face the serious decisions ahead.

When you first posted, it was a wait and see if he behaves over time like a drug addict. Was he just an abuser of drugs or had he crossed the psychological threshold into the condition of addiction. And his inability to exert his conscious will over his use of cocaine, in spite of his best intentions, says to me that he is addicted. And that means for today that whatever promises he makes, he will time and again break those promises. That is the nature of addiction: the compulsion to use overwhelms all good intentions, overwhelms the will to choose which way to go, and the family is abandoned as the addict disappears. Even though he comes home, sometimes, when high, you know, in your heart, he is not with you, and that is the source of the deep sadness you feel when you lie in bed with him and realize that he is gone.

The pattern in all addictions is that the addict will the next day or the next week feel remorse. Remorse, regret, and will, in most instances, make a vow to give up the drug or the addictive behavior. He will be most sincere, will perhaps weep, and will tell the spouse that it will kill him if she leaves him. He appears so broken and so tragic and the spouse has such deep sympathy and loves him so much that of course she says yes. Yes, she will stay, they will fight this thing together, and they make plans: we'll see a counselor, we'll go to meetings, we'll eat right and exercise, we will be solid together.

The plans, the hopes, the vows are all made with heartfelt sincerity. But the reality is that they are both powerless over the obsession of the mind that is going to overwhelm the addict and powerless over the ensuing pursuit of the drug which will soon follow. The spouse will be completely devastated to see the same problem, the same pattern, the same addict doing the same thing. Addiction is the inability to stop using a drug. And why some addicts find recovery and some do not find recovery continues to be baffling to most doctors and to most addicts themselves.

So you need to do what you instinctively have begun to do: you need to structure your life so that you do not depend on him to be there for you. This means you will have a childcare provider already hired before the baby is born. You will have a plan about finances, about housing should you need to relocate, about counseling, and you will, with the help of your counselor, eventually reveal to a family member or a trusted friend that your life is in trouble. Because his addiction is permanent. It is permanent and until he achieves a solid time of recovery and sobriety, he will go back to the cocaine and he will walk in the house high again. If he bothers to come home. And as your belly grows larger, and you change and are less available to him sexually and in other ways, in his addict selfishness, he may stay away even longer, out with the guys, and blame you for not meeting his needs. It is inconceivable now that that may happen, but addiction is a selfish condition and the addict mind becomes distorted and inflated and is able to rationalize abusive behavior toward loved ones. Ask anyone who grew up in an family of addiction.

I hope you find a counselor soon. You are so alone with this. You need to change that, you need guidance and help. This problem is too big, OneNight, for you. It's just too big.

The baby is relying on you to attend to your physical and emotional health. And you can do that.

MiSoberbio

I can't add too much after what EnglishGarden wrote, as well as all the others. I know you don't want to read things like this, but it's all coming from people with similar experiences, reaching out to you with compassion.... to be honest, upon reading your post, I felt triggered because I've lived through it, as well. [Except the pregnancy!]

But there's one thing I'd like to emphasize: many of us here grew up in households where addiction ruled and we know the emotional/spiritual/sometimes physical damage that inevitably touches every aspect of home life. Addiction rules the home - it will permeate everything. A reader unfamiliar with addiction may think I'm being overly-dramatic, but anyone who's lived with/through it will most certainly agree.

You are bringing a new life into the world, one that will be completely dependent upon you for many years to make decisions about his/her well-being. I know you know this and I admire how you are already making brave, responsible choices. But, your husband is not: he is unable to do what he says he wants to do. He's enslaved by this thing we're calling "addiction" and without a doubt it will not only continue to affect you and your health, but that of your child, and deeply so. You need to keep digging into yourself for the strength to make more decisions like you've already made.

LoveMeNow

I really struggled with boundaries. They are very difficult but necessary in all areas of our lives. Boundaries are "I" statements, not attempts to control other people.

I found it very helpful to write them done long before I could actually keep them because I also struggled with saying what I meant and meaning what I said. Eventually, I had no credibility and my husband knew it.

OneNightAWeek

Thank you all for the replies, there is a lot to take in there. Things I know I do need to think about. English Garden Thank you for your post, most of it was hard to hear but you touched on many of the feelings that I have regarding my husband, especially what will happen if he continues to use the cocaine during my pregnancy, because of the way it affects him sexually. I will admit I am afraid he could cheat on me to get his needs satisfied. I already feel fat and I am not even showing. It is going to play on all my insecurities as my body changes. I know I should not have to worry about his fidelity, that should be set in stone as far as Im concerned.

I have told one of my girlfriends and she has been very supportive, going with me to the meetings, telling me I have a place to stay anytime I need it, and she listens as objectively as possible. I am not sure telling our parents would benefit either of us right now. They will worry, they will call and maybe begin to lecture him, and me. None of them know anything about addiction, just like the situation I was in and so it takes time to begin to learn and understand. They do not live right by us, so there is a distance issue also. If things progress however I will let them all know.

I have many mixed emotions. I have seen him reduce his use, change his behavior so that it does not have a negative impact on me any longer, he has been more open I feel, and he voluntarily asked to go talk to the addiction doctor. I was not nagging him to go because the doctor told me early on not to do that. If he does follow up with the appointments then maybe it is a start.

Right now Im doing about all I can I think. I am back to full time work, I have started work on my grad degree again, and only have one semester after this one. I should be on maternity leave when I finish. I am seeing my doctor and trying to be healthier, I have signed up for yoga that I can do all through my pregnancy, and there are a bunch of other baby classes I plan to attend. I am seeing the addiction doctor on a regular basis, and he said there was no conflict unless one of us felt uncomfortable, but I will gladly take a referral from him if need be. I was trying alanon and my girlfriend was going with me, she says I take it too intense and that I dont have to agree with everything to find some value in it. But right now it seems to cause me more stress than help. So we will see on that one.

pravchaw

The baby is priority #1, you are priority #2, everything else including your husband comes after that. Best thing which can happen right now is that he goes to rehab and gets cleaned up before the baby arrives. Try to reach him if he is willing to talk (when he is sober and sociable) and convey to him that this is the best thing he can do for the baby and you.