JMFburns

I read through SR posts about once a week, but haven't posted myself in a very long time.
I am posting today because I have just had confirmed that my 32 yr old AS is back to his old habits. He broke his ankle in June and had to have surgery, plates and screws were installed. He was prescribed pain pills and supposedly he was being monitored very closely. (Opiates are his drug of choice.) Now it is the beginning of Sept. and he, his girlfriend and 2 other roommates are being evicted from their rental. His girlfriend is moving in w/her parents. He had been taking the rent $ from the roommates and buying drugs w/it. His ankle is barely healed, he is still in a boot using crutches and a kneeling scooter.
I spoke w/him via phone - he says he is sorry, he knows he's screwed up, he felt he had tried to tell us he was going to a dark place. All he wants is to be back on Suboxone.
I don't feel like that's all it is . . . I feel like there's alot more to it than that. If he was in a bad place he didn't tell me how bad it was. Suboxone is not a cure all to the $ he's taken from all of us. It doesn't make up for the lying. It doesn't make him a "good" person. Sure, maybe it keeps him off street drugs, but it doesn't cure his ****.
I have plans to go to our State Fair with family this afternoon/evening. I'm going to go and try to put my son out of my mind for a while.
I want to offer to pick up and store some of his stuff for a while - he has no where to go - hasn't had a job in years. If he were seeking to get better or move on with life I'd want to let him stay w/me. But I didn't hear that in our brief conversation this morning.
He had almost 4 years sober (except for the Suboxone program). It's a pisser.
Joan

lizwig

Dear JMFBurns...I'm so sorry. You must be heartbroken. 4 years of recovery is a long time to throw away. Hopefully he'll see the light and recommit himself to recovery. At one point my son had 9 months clean...got a case of the "F it's" and its been downhill from there. It seems so simple to us. They have to know no good will come out of them using again but for whatever reason the pull is too hard. I guess it's time for you to hand it back over. This is apparently part of his path. Sending you strength today. I'm glad you reached back out here. This site has been a tremendous support to me. Have fun at the fair!!!

lorelei

Not much I can say but sending love and strength x

Kindeyes

I'm so sorry. It is heart breaking when they slip back into it. Whatever you do.....take care of you through this process. It is so easy to slip back "into it" with them.....because we love them so damn much.

White light, good vibes and lots of prayers heading your way......for you and your dear son.

gentle hugs
ke

Ann

Ahhh, dang, it's a kick in the stomach no matter how much we know it's a possibility.

I hate it that it seems to always come back to us to pick up the pieces, but I learned a long time ago that sometimes it's best to let the pieces lay there while they figure out what happened and realize this is a consequence of their drug use.

He does have a place to go...the Salvation Army rehab programs are free and if he is ready that would be a good choice.

I'll keep your boy in my prayers, and you too, it's hard being the mother of an addict.

Hugs and Hugs

Kindeyes

Just want to "ditto" this. This is where my son went when he "had no where else to go". It was the best place for him......he came out after completing their six month program a very different person. It's humbling to be there.....but at least in the case of my son....that is exactly what he needed.....a humbling experience where he had the opportunity to get and stay clean, learn how to work (the work therapy there is worth it's weight in gold) and learn that rules DO apply to him too. Being in there with 100 other men in the same situation was important too. I don't think he ever wants to be "there" again......or at least I hope not.

I will never pass a "red bucket" at Christmas and not give generously. They saved my son's life......just for today.

gentle hugs
ke

Chino

My heart aches for both of you. My daughter's biggest fear is a major injury, she said she knows what will happen.

I'm sending you hugs and will keep you and your son in my prayers.

pravchaw

Unfortunately addiction, lying and stealing all go together.

GardenMama

I hope you were able to have some fun at the Fair. We have great ones in the Midwest!

I am so sorry to learn about your son's relapse. I'm sending hugs and peace and all that the 12 steps provide us, especially during turmoil. Take good care of yourself.

Impurrfect

((JMF)) - I'm sorry he's going back down that road, but I do agree that you are not his solution.

Big hugs and prayers heading your way,

Amy

JMFburns

Thank you for the replies and the love, support and prayers sent our way.

I semi-enjoyed the fair (when I could put my AS out of my mind and just focus on myself and the family members I was there with).

My AS has until midnight Tues. to vacate . . . I offered to pick up some of his "precious" stuff today but he kept putting me off. (I do not own a car, it was lost 4 years ago due to the dark path my addiction to my AS took me.) I would have been borrowing my Mom's van to move those things. He's going to stay another night in the rental - the other 2 roommates are moving out tomorrow. I can't help him tomorrow, but could on Wed. Will the police show up on Tues. at midnight??? Who knows . . . hopefully Wed. would be soon enough.

He claims he is going to his addiction doctor tomorrow and insisting they let him back on the Suboxone and off the pain pills. Also says he is going to talk to him social worker (from recovery program) tomorrow to try to get help w/a place to live. Seems a little too late for me - but his mind isn't functioning clearly right now.

He's got a place for tonight - I'll try to turn it over to God and relax. Wish me luck!

Thank you again - I need all the support I can get right now!

JMFburns

Why do I feel so physically awful?!?! My stomach is in turmoil, my teeth are clenched, it's hard to breathe deeply. I feel like I'm escaping if I read a book to take my mind off of "the problem" or today, being at work, trying to do my normal activities feels like I'm avoiding "the problem" staring me in the face.

In all reality, I know that reading a book or going about my normal activities is the right thing to do. I've been away from NarAnon and AlAnon support for far too long - I have relapsed something awful to the addiction of my AS.

I just want to run screaming in circles "Help me, Help me, Help me!!!" I feel like crap.

pravchaw

We tend to awfulize (imagine the worst that could happen) and that causes physical symptoms.
The more likely event is something better will happen.
Here is something which helps me:
Take deep tummy breaths (your tummy should distend).
Then imagine that this event (your son getting evicted and you not getting involved) will lead him to seek recovery).
Is that not possible? Is it not better than what you are imagining now.

tjp613

JMF, the good news is that you can now recognize your destructive behaviors (and their physical side effects) and have the opportunity to choose differently....just like your son. So listen to these signals your body is sending and do what you must to feel centered again.

Why hasn't he been working if he has been sober for 4 years? Well, no matter....

He is 32 years old. A grown man. His problems are not your problems. Keep it that way!!

Kindeyes

Oh how I hate that feeling! It is so easy to fall back into those old behaviors and thought processes.....too easy.

I woke up feeling that way this morning......the thought of my son relapsing hit me and threw me into a short term tail spin.....there is no specific evidence of a relapse occurring ......just my mind making it so. Talking to myself. Worrying. Obsessive thinking. The whole shebang........glad it happened though because it's a not-so-gentle reminder of how I don't want to feel......and that I need to back up, let go, and turn it over to my HP once again.

Hopefully these feelings will pass regardless of what your son is doing and you'll find your balance again soon. Walking with you.........

gentle hugs
ke