Im all turned around and dont know what to do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2
Im all turned around and dont know what to do.
Im in the service and me and my wife have been maried for 4 years now and have been together for 6 i joined the service when we had 1 kid and one on the way my wife was a volleyball player and with her sports and having the kids it left her with a messed up back so she was taking pain killers that her docter had givn her well our first assaignment was japan when we got there we were there for about 8 months when her back had been getting worse we found out she had 8 bad disks in her lower back the docters on base didnt know what to do with her so they started giving her crazy pain killers that she soon got addicted to she relized it and had them wing her we finally got out of japan and moved to SC cause of her back the doctors here helped her with her backand got her off the pain pills she was doing real good for about 9 months and she started acting weird again and hanging around some bad looking people well i kept finding pills here and there and cut off straws so i asked her about it she denied it and said it was her friends so i told her not to bring them around anymore and i didnt ever see them again but about 4 months after that she just went home back to missouri and she didnt talk to use or anything then later i found out she has been doing meth and ecstacy and anything she can get ahold of she is living out of our car she took and keeps telling me she needs money and shes working with the police i have two little boys a 4 year old and our youngest with be 3 next month i have very lile contact with her only when she calls but its always from differnt numbers what should i do is there any hope or should i move on i still love her and i tell her every time she calls but she kinda seems paranoid and she says she does drugs but she doesnt have a problem im going back to missouri to pick up my spare car should i try to convince her to come home or count my losses i really dont want to but she is looking ruff and already has had a run in with the law a couple of times please any ideas i need help with this.
Work in Progress
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,142
If she's living out of her car and doing drugs I would say she has a huge problem. Don't ask her to come back home. You'll just be setting yourself up for heartache and your boys don't need that image of their mother. Focus on you and the kids.
Work in Progress
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,142
I know YOU want her to get help but everyone here will tell you that it's not what you want. The sooner you realize that the better off you'll be. Until she wants to get help there's nothing that can be done.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Hello Justin, first of all.....thank you very much for your service to our country. I'm very sorry for what you are dealing with. Unfortunately it does sound like your wife is completely lost in her addiction at the moment. What DecBaby says above is true. If only we could love our addicts clean...none of us would be on this site. The reality is much different though. There HAS to be a desire to clean up. Once there is this desire then we can support, hopefully without enabling, their efforts at sobriety. In the meantime, the best we can do is learn as much as we can about their disease. Often what we learn about ourselves is that we have become addicts in a sense too. Addicted to the chaos, the uncertainty, the very thought that we can influence the outcome. We cannot. If I could offer you any advice it would be to protect yourself and obviously your children. They need you more than ever right now. Show them, through your own actions that you ALL deserve more than she is giving. See if there are any nar-anon or even al-anon meetings on your base. I'll bet there are. If not, seek private therapy. The goal should be learning as much as you can so if/when she does choose recovery (whether you are with her or not) you'll recognize the manipulation and warning signs of a possible relapse moving forward. For now, love on your children as much as you can. Put steps in place to protect any assets....let her know when she's ready for recovery she'll have your support but you can't make any promises beyond that. Make decisions based upon on what is best for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN....not her. She isn't making any of you her priority at the moment. Someone has to. Again, I'm really sorry....I wish none of us had to deal with this....on any level. You've found your way to a great site....lots of support here. Keep reading around, especially the stickies at the top of the home page. If you are a reader...."Co Dependent No More" by Melody Beattie is a good book to start with. Hang in there....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
The pain you are feeling comes through quite clearly in what you wrote; I am sorry that you and your boys are going through this. However, your wife has already made it abundantly clear what her priorities are and where she believes she should be now.
Your children should never be subjected to what is going on with their mother, and maybe the part of her that is still "her," deep inside, knows that and has decided that this is the best way to protect them. I don't know, but as tragic as it is now, for you and your boys, I can only think that it's a blessing that the madness is not in your home.
You ask if you should move on: my response is that you need to put your focus on yourself right now and learn about your past, your childhood, your parents, and really examine your decision-making process. You will begin to understand things that are too difficult to approach right now - it's a path that many of us here are on, and I can tell you that through all the pain, there is hope for feeling peace and happiness once more. It's a matter of time and hard work, however.
Your wife is lost now, and only she can decide to come back to reality – you and your children, unfortunately, have nothing to do with it. Protect them and protect yourself. Focus on their happiness and on your own. If you keep bringing yourself back to the dark place that you're in right now, you'll never be free of it. Let it go.
Your children should never be subjected to what is going on with their mother, and maybe the part of her that is still "her," deep inside, knows that and has decided that this is the best way to protect them. I don't know, but as tragic as it is now, for you and your boys, I can only think that it's a blessing that the madness is not in your home.
You ask if you should move on: my response is that you need to put your focus on yourself right now and learn about your past, your childhood, your parents, and really examine your decision-making process. You will begin to understand things that are too difficult to approach right now - it's a path that many of us here are on, and I can tell you that through all the pain, there is hope for feeling peace and happiness once more. It's a matter of time and hard work, however.
Your wife is lost now, and only she can decide to come back to reality – you and your children, unfortunately, have nothing to do with it. Protect them and protect yourself. Focus on their happiness and on your own. If you keep bringing yourself back to the dark place that you're in right now, you'll never be free of it. Let it go.
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