mich0020

For the past almost 2 yrs now iv been consistent on the fact that my bf has a problem, and he does and he can admit it. It hasnt been till just recently that I have started to question if I also have a problem. How do I no? I have some many questions. Im not ready to loose everything iv worked so hard for. It use to be I did some here and there I always said I can control this I don't have a problem its him. But just bc its not herion it doesn't make it any better and I no this. I also have reconized that I have more self-control when hes not around. But here recently it doesn't really matter if hes around shoving it in my face or not, I want it. I want to feel good. If I have a problem I want to catch it before I loose everything but I don't want to loose him n I jus cant sit by n watch him do it. Its not fair. Its not fair that he gets to be irresponsible and have fun n have no worries n do whatever he wants when he wants to. Why cant I have that freedom as well why do i always have to be the responsible one?

doggonecarl

Addiction isn't freedom, believe me. So don't rationalize the danger of dabbling in drugs by saying you deserve it. It's a trap, and as you have probably seen with your bf, a hard one to escape.

FourTwentyOne

When AH used to smoke up in front of me, while I was trying to quit, I used those moments to strengthen my resolve. It was hard to pass when it was right there in front of me, but it proved to myself that it could be done. Then, sober, I'd watch him and his friends and see how rediculous they were, how they were controlled by their A, how they really spent their life doing only what needed to be done to get back to using.

Don't go back to that side of the fence, it's nicer over here.

interrupted

There is something very wrong with your situation when you find yourself saying that you need crack or heroin to feel good. Not only does it mean that you are toying with a very dangerous addiction, but what does it say about your situation with your boyfriend if you have to be on drugs in order to be happy with him? That doesn't sound like a healthy, fulfilling relationship to me.

I know you only want to hear answers that allow you to justify continuing to use and attempt to control your boyfriend's drug addiction. I'm sorry I can't give you that answer. I wish my sister had come to me and asked for help when she was toying with heroin. Oh God how I wish she had done that.

incitingsilence

I had some of them same resentments. It use to drive me nuts, that look oh high on his face. In time I went back out, and I wasn’t joining him either. I was sick in my own right to make the call…

It is really easy to look at them and say they are the sick ones, much harder to look within and see that we ain’t all that right either. You can’t compare out, because in time everyone finds the same hell if they continue using. You might have hopes, dreams, be holding it all together now, and be able to see what you want now but in time … oh always in good time none of those things will be important.

Heroin is not a game. It takes, that simple. It doesn’t even require explaining, it is so self explanatory if you pay attention.

And self control has nothing to do with it. So many deluded themselves in their own denial thinking they had control over the drug. In many cases it is when you start questioning that might be showing that the dance has begun. You have ever right to choose not to listen to that questioning or make the choice to not push the issue again and get healthy for yourself. And you will have no one to blame but you for the choice you make.

In it all you will have to find what is most important. I would hope you can see that your health and safety are more important and take some time to figure out your why’s … he is most capable of figuring out his.

Oh and what he is going through ain’t fun. I seriously have no idea where you got that from. Think of how you worry and want to help him. There is a huge contradiction in that type of thought process. If he is having fun then why are you concerned about him, excited that he was gonna go to a meeting ask for help with the methadone…nah I ain’t seeing any fun in the hell he is in.

mich0020

I said that wrong. I didnt mean the addiction is fun I ment he wont keep a job n I go to work everyday. While im at work working 40-50 hour weeks he gets to sleep all day, party, hang out w friends, n just simply do whatever he wants. He gets to enjoy life while im busting my butt jus t to pay rent n keep food in my tummy. He uses the addiction as his excuse and its simply not fair. Its like all I am to him anymore is just someone to take care of him, he doesn't appreciate what I do. Almost like im expected to do it bc when I get angry or don't do something for him he throws a fit like a child. I go to work then come hime and clean house and sit here alone while hes out don idk what honestly, I mean he tells me but he lies so much I never believe him. Idk maybe im just venting but I have a bf of 4 years and I feel all alone all the time. As soon as I get home from work if hes not gone already he leaves, jus t like tonight.

incitingsilence

Why isn’t it fair?

Sorry to tell you this but you don’t get any medals for doing the right thing, for being responsible and actively participating in life. It doesn’t work that way.

You are there, actively participating in the hell you live in. Why are you with him? What does he bring to the relationship … anything other than chaos, a sense of entitlement?

You are not a victim, you are there, allowing yourself to be treated as you are. And then you are pissed cause he has fun … look at his life, where is this going to take him any place with security, with wonderful, with promise …

Look at yours, how much longer do you think you can live day in and day out being treated as you are? What do suspect might become of your spirit, your promise for the future with him.

FourTwentyOne

I know it is hard. Four years seems like a long time. A lot of time invested, maybe you feel like you can't just walk away because then the last four years would have been a waste of time? Someone once told me that no relationship is ever a waste of time if you learn from it. You have gained experience, learned what you like and what you don't. Take your new knowledge out into the world and put it to use four years isn't long, forty years in a broken relationship and your life wasted is a tragedy. I don't know you from Adam but I am sure you deserve better girl. We are reaching out to you to help you out of a hole before its too late.

mich0020

FourTwentyOne its like u read my mind. But its also the fact that every time I leave he is the one that ends up homeless then he calls me crying sayn he got clean for nothing n he gana relapses bc of me n all this other stuff n I jus cant do that to someone. No matter if its him or someone else I cant jus throw someone on the streets no one deserves that.

jerect

He's manipulating you... "He got clean for nothing?" Sounds like he doesn't want to get clean and he's blaming his relapse on that fact that he's homeless... Typical addict, always blaming someone else for their problems and mistakes instead of taking responsibility for themselves... It's not your fault that he relapse, he's choosing that way of life just like you choose to fall into his trap of manipulation and take him back every time.. A merry-go-round of insanity until you say enough and get off the ride..

So what if he's homeless, when I divorced my ex he had no where to go.. You know what? Not my problem!!!!! I spent five years in hell busting my tail trying to make ends meet, trying to make a marriage that wasn't really a marriage because of all his drug use, work all the while he did very little to contribute to our income or our marriage.. Sometimes the consequences of drug use is loosing everything including your home, a hot meal every night and the respect of your family .. But ya know what, they have no problem finding the money to purchase drugs so really he should have no problem finding a couch to sleep on.. I had to get over feeling guilty about my e husband having no where to go.. He was given far too many chances to redeem himself and clean himself up, he chose drugs over me so therefor I chose my sanity, peace of mind and a happy, peaceful home over him.

You say you just can't do that to someone, well look what he's doing to you!!! Is that fair? Is that healthy??? And now you are sliding down the slippery slope of addiction.. Crack and heroin are nothing to experiment with recreationally, It will sink its claws into you faster then you can turn around and realize what you are doing...and then you will be the one with the problem too.. I know a lot of recovering crack heads and they will tell you that they all started with just one hit just to see what it felt like and chased the first high for years afterwards..

I was married to my ex husband for five years.. I can look at it two ways.. Five years that I wasted of my life that I can't get back or I can say thank God it was only five years and not 6 or ten or 50.. I learned some hard things about myself and life during those 5 years that I will carry with me for the rest of my life ..

My advice to you is to get out now.. You can't save him but you can save yourself,, get yourself to a naranon or alanon meeting as fast as you can...

Vale

Allowing yourself, your money, or your hard work
to be disrespected.........is a mistake. You must find the
strength to disallow this.

((((((((((he gana relapses bc of me)))))))))))

mich0020,

If he relapses, it is NOT because of you. Do not lessen his
personal dignity by treating him as an incompetent. No one
deserves that. That is a far, far worse thing to do to someone
than having them spend some time on the streets as a predictable
consequence of THEIR choices.

He is an addict, not an animal or a half-wit or a non-person.
He is a human being. Be a true friend and let him be one, in full.

It isn't easy. But for me it came down to a simple, binary
decision. Either I respected the dignity of the addict I cared about....

or I didn't.

A clear choice..........not an easy one.

Ann

What you have with him is not a healthy relationship at all, he is in active addiction and you are heading that way.

You have a choice, to continue living the way you are which is a certain path to doom and darker days ahead, or to say "enough" right now, today, and change your life before it is too late.

He has choices too, but only he can make them. He can relapse and live in the street and cry to you...or he too can find recovery. You cannot make his choice for him and it doesn't sound like he is ready any time soon.

Save yourself before it is too late. Good for you for recognizing your cravings for drugs, now reach out and grab the lifeline of your own recovery before you go down with him.

It won't be easy but it will most definitely be worth it. YOU are worth it, give it a try.

Hugs

Eve13

mich0020, where you work, maybe there is an employee assistance counselor. Private, confidential, your boss will never know. Talk with them and get support. AlAnon/NarAnon are also great supports.
I agree, it's "only" been 4 years, what is he bringing to this relationship? You're not his mom stuck cooking and cleaning after working a long hard week. You can do this, to take care of yourself and have a productive wonderful life and meet someone who will respect, love and cherish you.
Addicts are resourceful. He has lots of "friends" he can go crash on their sofa.

FourTwentyOne

I don't know you, don't you think it is strange that I can hit the nail right on the head like that, without knowing a single thing about you? I can do that because I have experience with addictions. Your AXBF is completely controlled by his addiction right now. He is living in his own private hell. Everything he does, all day long, is affected by his addiction. There is not a decision he makes at any time that did not have a step that involved how it will affect the next hit, how he's going to get it, when and where.

You have to realize, especially if you can be honest with yourself with your own use, that it is part of everything you do? You don't have to admit that out loud, you just need to know that yes, when you choose to go out with friends, to invite someone over, to buy groceries or to call someone on the phone even, is anyone going to know you/he is high? Will that meeting interfere with your/his next fix? If you buy some chicken or a can of soup, will that leave you enough to pick?

His addiction is HIS problem. Check out some of the checklists of signs of addiction - you will see that blaming others, guilt, threats of suicide and other ways he's behaving towards you are all classic behaviours of addicts. Like water, addicts will take the easiest route down a hill to the bottom. The easiest thing for him is to manipulate you so that he can have a roof over his head, and money for his habbit. That's it.

You are not unworthy of love, you can walk away from this. Coming here and sharing, asking for advice and help is the right first step. Keep the momentum! You're doing great, you're getting counselling, this is the difficult beginning of a uphill climb, that will take you back into the sunshine

Keep it up, be like Dory on Finding Nemo and "just keep swimming" - move forward, take the next step away from this living hell - break contact. If you care about him, and clearly you do, you have to stop enabling him, let him crash, it's the only way he can get his feet on the bottom to kick for the surface.

mich0020

Thanks u so much to everyone! I honestly feel a lot better. Im so haooy I found this sight! I have yet to find someone I can talk to like this or get advise like this.

Update: lastnight he took my car and did a pump and go, about 1am this morning a cop was knocking at my door. I was at the police station until almost 3am. When we left I told him I was done and couldn't put up with this anymore and threw all his stuff out along with him. He sat here and banged on all my windows and doors wanting me to let him back in. I stayed strong and didn't I just ignored him. Idk where he is or how he will eat or anything today and its killing me but I want to stay strong this time and not let him come. Hopefully bc I have this new awesome suoport system I will stay strong!

Thanks to everyone for all the wonderful advise!

FourTwentyOne

Good for you! You're doing great!!

That must have been hard, and scarry to have him banging on the doors and windows trying to get back in. Make sure you change the locks.

This is the right thing to do. He wil have to find somewhere to sleep, and he'll find something to eat. If he has to be hungry for a few hours, it won't kill him. It is the natural consequence of his own actions.

HIS ADDICTION AND THE NATURAL CONSEQUENCES OF IT ARE NOT YOUR FAULT

You are resourceful, you found this site, you can use that to your advantage.

Now, call and get the locks changed, you can find a locksmith, you are resourceful! You can afford it, even if you have to eat Kraft dinner for a few days, that won't kill you either.

When you hang up the phone from the locksmith, find a meeting for yourself. Keep going, change is addictive too, in a good way.

wiscsober

Like others this line you wrote also caught my interest.

Do you truly think this?

Would this be your reward you want?

You are a very caring person and deserve recovery also.

I am sure he is not feeling good about his using.

What matters is you. Keep addressing your needs. Best to you.

DecBaby

421 that was very good advice. I can't help but think that applies to your situation as well. I read your posts and think to myself you and your kids deserve better.

FourTwentyOne

I know.

I have a lot more invested in my relationship. I think my kids need their Daddy, but they need Daddy to be clean. In my case it's not just me, I can't ever make a clean break, we'll always be in contact, he'll always be their father. I'm in up to my armpits, but I have a hold of a lifeline and I'm pulling for all I'm worth.

In the end, it might break and I might have to swim away, or I might drag myself up that lifeline to shore and dry off, take my family by the hands and be able to walk away together.

Time will tell, and I have decided that it won't be a long time now. My kids are still young enough that I believe they will heal if we have to leave AH to sink or swim.

DecBaby

Mich it's very clear this is a toxic relationship. I hope you can get out now. You will end up just like he is. But if you're both active addicts and you lose your job who's going to take care of you? Don't let yourself get to that point. The things you are saying, how you're the responsible one and he gets to be irresponsible and do what he wants, I've felt that way. And I started dabbling in what his drug was. Painkillers. And I ended up just as bad as he was. And I lost everything. It wasn't until I left him that I started getting things back. But still I have lost so much I still can't get back. Stop worrying about him. Take care of you and get a handle on this before you get on his level.