easiersaid

I'm back. And right back in the mess of life with an addict. I'm okay for a while then always seem to get sucked right back in. I moved into my own apartment back in march with our two daughters. It was pretty peaceful for the most part. Until I let him wiggle his way back under my roof. In the last few months he has been able to hold a job. Until two weeks ago. He has once again skipped out on drug court requirements and probation so now has warrants for his arrest. Oh, and he's been using. He's been using in my house and out. I'm so crazy from the madness of it all. I can't put away dishes without checking the backs of the few spoons I have left. And I found out he cheated on me with two different girls over the last year. But the big question is why the hell haven't I kicked him out?!?! Why do I feel sorry for his ass? Why do I worry when he is mad at me for not giving in to his requests for money and the use of my car? Why do I always end up bending and giving him what he wants? I've been through this enough times to know why, and yet I continue to put up with it. I have chest pains every day. I'm miserable. I'm tired of worrying if he will be different this time so maybe I should give him his millionth chance. Even if it does get better for him, I don't think it will ever be better for me. I'm too hurt and too angry and too scared. He has also been taking my debit card out of my purse and overdrawing my account HUNDREDS of dollars. So I cut up my card, which made him angry when he needed money for drugs. He has also spent the money he had that I asked to set aside for rent on, you guessed it, drugs. I love him, but I'm just not in love with him anymore. He's not giving me and the kids what we need, and his behaviors are causing a great deal of stress. Not to mention I'm about to just have a meltdown. But he thinks I'm always upset about something and I never think about him. I'm selfish and a b****. I've told him to get out of my house and that I can't do this anymore but I never follow through with it! I worry about where he will go. But then I remember he is 28 years old... Good grief please help me find clarity.

meadowsis

I think you need to focus on your children. You have a responsibility to them. You should be providing them a stable drug free living environment. Stable would include consistency, which includes being able to pay rent, buy food, etc. He is jeopardizing all of that, and you re letting it happen.

By allowing this man to run over you, you are NOT doing what you need to do for your children. If you can't do this for yourself, do it for them.

He is resourceful enough to get back under your roof, con you out of money, he will figure out where to live. Hey, technically he has a bed and 3 hots waiting for him at the county jail.

Sara21

What are you getting out of this relationship? Does this seem like a healthy environment for your kids? They are going to take their relationship cues from both of you and they may start to think this is what a normal relationship looks like.

It would have been very easy for me to have stayed with my addicted ex and blame my misery and unhappiness on him. But no one was forcing me to stay by his side and endure all the craziness that comes with living with an addict. I stayed because I chose to stay and eventually I left because I chose to leave. Realizing that it was my choice felt empowering and I decided to take back control of my life. You ALWAYS have a choice.

It's up to you whether you stay or leave, but ultimately it is YOUR choice.

Hugs

AnvilheadII

your clarity is the FACT that you have TWO children to raise. it's as simple as that.

he's been with different women and then sleeps with you....what if you caught some dreadful life threatening or ending STD? what if your kids come across his drugs/rig? would you let ANY other person in your home knowing they actively used drugs? every dollar you give to HIM, doesn't go to THEM.

he has to go. now. you can fix your feelings about it later.

pravchaw

You know what to do. You just have to do it. It was hard to remove my son out of the house but it bought a measure of sanity to our lives. I miss him and feel bad for the choices he has made and is making but help is available if he chooses. You have to maintain your boundaries. The most basic is : not living with an active addict.

terryr97

I dont know about you but I kept up the crazy pattern because, at some point, I became addicted to my addict and the chaos. I guess it'll stop when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired and not a moment before. You don't have to live like this, but you will until you're done. Just like any addict with their substance of choice. It'll stop when you realize your love just cant fix him.

nancylee

Hi,
Your priority is your children. Think how you would feel if you lost them because you are living in chaos with an active addict.
Best,
Nancy

Kindeyes

You ask WHY do you do this? Because you are being manipulated. Because you are basically a kind and loving person and that makes you easy to manipulate.

An active addict will use your Fear, your sense of Obligation, and your Guilt to keep you in the behaviors that enable him to continue to use. That manipulation is what makes it hard to find clarity....you are in the F.O.G. (Fear, obligation and guilt). If the addict can keep us off balance with F.O.G., he wins. If we can identify when we feel fear, obligation, and guilt and what is causing it.....we can begin to stop reacting to it.

When the pain of living with him exceeds the fear of living without him.....you'll do what you need to do......for you and your children.

gentle hugs
ke