Need advice ... Very anxious
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 59
Need advice ... Very anxious
Please help. I read some posts and it seemed to help a lot. For quite some time I was dealing with my AH drug addiction of pills. Now he finally went to rehab and I am working on boundaries first being that he has to go to sober house for 6 months and work on his recovery before I will consider bringing him back home. But I don't know how to treat him or how to be now that he is working on his recovery. Also his mom said she would take him I after 4 months of being clean and has bought him a new phone since we are all so proud he took the steps and is recovering. However I'm so confused on what I do now. It took me so long to realize I had to push his disease away and after I do that and he finally goes and gets help what do I do now... Please help! Anyone with advice?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Hi dtrim. I remember that anxious feeling when my son got out of rehab. I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing, or putting too much pressure on him and forcing a relapse. I have since learned if he was gonna use he was gonna use. I didn't have the power to control that. The only real tidbits I could give you are don't do anything for him that he is capable of doing for himself. It silently tells them we don't believe they are equipped to handle it. I would also try your best to be realistic that treatment gives them tools to assist with their recovery. If they choose not to use them....that's on them. Also continue to work on you...that is something you truly can control! I'm pleased to hear your husband is doing well and that you've got some boundaries in place.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 59
Thank you for the sound advice. How long has your son been clean? It's been hard for me to let go and not try to have control but I know I only can control myself now and talking to people like you have really helped.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
dtrim, I might be reading your post wrong, but is your MIL undermining the boundaries you've put in place? Would she take him in to her house after 4 months for instance?
If so, you will have to deal with her actions as well as your husband's. Would there be any value in her getting some counselling or attending Alanon?
If so, you will have to deal with her actions as well as your husband's. Would there be any value in her getting some counselling or attending Alanon?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 59
Yea feelinggreat. It's complicated. She doesn't think she needs al-anon and I def don't agree with things she's doing but it's her thing and if my husband relapses at her house I'm not taking him back at all. I just don't know what do now that he's in a sober house and gets to leave or if I should trust him. I'm confused on that part of it. Do u support them and be nice or still be tough love? Anyone?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Dtrim, he will relapse or not independent of your trust. The sober house time will expose him to all sorts of temptation. How do you treat him? You've set your boundaries, but they don't stop you meeting him occasionally if you want to. Are you interested in saving your marriage?
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Boundary: I will not allow someone to live in my home who is in early recovery.
Rule: You must live in a sober house for 6 months before you can live in my home.
Boundaries- We take responsibility for our own lives, what and who we allow or not allow to be in our lives. Others are of course allowed to do whatever they are going to do.
Tough love is not something you "do" to others. Tough love is something you practice on yourself.
How do you treat him? The same as you treat others...hopefully that is with respect and kindness.
However, if anyone, including him, treats you without respect or kindness in return...then they get broomed to the curb.
What do you do now? Continue to work on you, and then you will be confident and healthy to handle whatever comes your way.
And, never forget to have fun.
Rule: You must live in a sober house for 6 months before you can live in my home.
Boundaries- We take responsibility for our own lives, what and who we allow or not allow to be in our lives. Others are of course allowed to do whatever they are going to do.
Tough love is not something you "do" to others. Tough love is something you practice on yourself.
How do you treat him? The same as you treat others...hopefully that is with respect and kindness.
However, if anyone, including him, treats you without respect or kindness in return...then they get broomed to the curb.
What do you do now? Continue to work on you, and then you will be confident and healthy to handle whatever comes your way.
And, never forget to have fun.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
When I get real anxious like that, I step it up on my own recovery program. I go to more meetings. I communicate with my sponsor. I'm also very lucky to have friends with long term recovery from addiction who are great resources. I pick up the phone and talk to them. They give me a recovering addicts perspective. I keep the focus on me and my own behavior and boundaries.
This suggestion from Cynical One is spot on.
gentle hugs
ke
How do you treat him? The same as you treat others...hopefully that is with respect and kindness.
However, if anyone, including him, treats you without respect or kindness in return...then they get broomed to the curb.
What do you do now? Continue to work on you, and then you will be confident and healthy to handle whatever comes your way.
And, never forget to have fun.
However, if anyone, including him, treats you without respect or kindness in return...then they get broomed to the curb.
What do you do now? Continue to work on you, and then you will be confident and healthy to handle whatever comes your way.
And, never forget to have fun.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Morning dtrim, let's just say I like to learn my lessons the hard way. My son has been addicted for five years. His life is complete chaos. He ha had short stints of being clean. 3 months when he was in treatment...9 months while incarcerated. I used to send care packages and phone cards and lay the encouragement on really thick. It didn't make a lick of difference. He did live at an Oxford house for a couple of months and I will say it was a good spot for him. The guys were super supportive, gave him rides to meetings and when he relapsed (he wasn't willing to give up his previous friends and thought he could handle being around his doc) they all have offered him rides to meetings or rehab if he ever chooses recovery again. Of course they had to ask him to leave. I have learned a lot since then. This site is incredible. So is the face to face experience of al-anon. I would strongly suggest you check out a few meetings. It has saved my sanity. I have had to put some really firm boundaries in place regarding my son. It's been 9 months of learning and reading all I can about addiction. I hope someday to be able to support him in his journey while keeping in mind all I have learned here. I know it will make a world of difference....or maybe none at all. The difference will be I am stronger, I have more coping skills now. Hope this helps.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
I can share from my experience; my husband was in rehab for 3 months and then he came directly home. When he was in rehab, I worked with a therapist, and we also did many weeks of marriage counseling which we continued for about a full year. I never used alanon however.
I think a lot of how you treat him depends on what has happened in the past, and how you have actually recovered from it yourself. What you are physically and emotionally ready and able to give him. I know the marriage counseling helped us a lot, because we needed to work together and resolve many issues. Do you do any joint counseling with your husband?
I tried to treat my husband normal for the most part; but having consideration that he was recovering from an illness; unfortunately an illness that has symptoms that wreaked havoc on our lives; lying, irresponsible, dangerous behavior. But I had to let that go, had to realize that if he was no longer using drugs then it was a matter of his just getting well, getting stronger. I could not hold any of it against him.
Early on it was just a matter of putting into use in real life everything that he learned in rehab; so for him it meant he continued to see his therapist, he adopted better ways to handle stress, and cope with life, he created some new healthy habits. We both adopted some of these and tried to have some fun with it. He had good days and bad days after he first came home; sometimes he would be happy, excited, or feel depressed, and like he was exhausted from climbing a mountain, and not sure he had yet made it over the top. I learned to just take it in stride because we all really feel those emotions. I had my own set of emotions to deal with; sometimes I was afraid of the future, or went tripping in the past.
My husband went back to his original job, and he started picking back up all his responsibilities. I did try to soften things a bit for him; for example after working all day, there were things that I could have used help with at home, but I handled it because I didn’t want to add to much pressure at first; some of that related to our little boy who was only about 8 months old when his dad came home. Our son was about the only area where I had boundaries, and we had talked about these together with the help of the therapist; boundaries reduced over time as we both felt more confident in things. My husband now has 15 months clean, and things have worked themselves out.
If you don’t have any yet, understanding his relapse prevention plans may offer you some comfort, and also having relapse plans in place for once he comes home may also help you both. We worked on both of these while he was still in rehab.
As far as seeing your husband while he is in sober living. Its all personal to you guys, but based on my husband’s experience, I would think he needs family time. Recovery is about being able to integrate back into life. If there is no interaction between you, working on things that are broken, or things that feel right now like “elephants in the room”, then its hard to move past it all, creating a new healthy role in the family is important I think.
My mother in law was opposite yours. She would not have anything to do with my husband for months and months after he returned home. She was hurting and in pain. All of it was her choice, and her path, and while some of her choices I didn’t agree with; I had to respect them. So I would not try to interfere with your MIL recovery, or the relationship she has with her son. If he did move in with her it would present no problems in my mind unless she has addiction issues herself. If your husband is working to stay clean, and make a better life then I personally don’t think it matters where he lives as long as it is a stable, and drug free environment.
I think a lot of how you treat him depends on what has happened in the past, and how you have actually recovered from it yourself. What you are physically and emotionally ready and able to give him. I know the marriage counseling helped us a lot, because we needed to work together and resolve many issues. Do you do any joint counseling with your husband?
I tried to treat my husband normal for the most part; but having consideration that he was recovering from an illness; unfortunately an illness that has symptoms that wreaked havoc on our lives; lying, irresponsible, dangerous behavior. But I had to let that go, had to realize that if he was no longer using drugs then it was a matter of his just getting well, getting stronger. I could not hold any of it against him.
Early on it was just a matter of putting into use in real life everything that he learned in rehab; so for him it meant he continued to see his therapist, he adopted better ways to handle stress, and cope with life, he created some new healthy habits. We both adopted some of these and tried to have some fun with it. He had good days and bad days after he first came home; sometimes he would be happy, excited, or feel depressed, and like he was exhausted from climbing a mountain, and not sure he had yet made it over the top. I learned to just take it in stride because we all really feel those emotions. I had my own set of emotions to deal with; sometimes I was afraid of the future, or went tripping in the past.
My husband went back to his original job, and he started picking back up all his responsibilities. I did try to soften things a bit for him; for example after working all day, there were things that I could have used help with at home, but I handled it because I didn’t want to add to much pressure at first; some of that related to our little boy who was only about 8 months old when his dad came home. Our son was about the only area where I had boundaries, and we had talked about these together with the help of the therapist; boundaries reduced over time as we both felt more confident in things. My husband now has 15 months clean, and things have worked themselves out.
If you don’t have any yet, understanding his relapse prevention plans may offer you some comfort, and also having relapse plans in place for once he comes home may also help you both. We worked on both of these while he was still in rehab.
As far as seeing your husband while he is in sober living. Its all personal to you guys, but based on my husband’s experience, I would think he needs family time. Recovery is about being able to integrate back into life. If there is no interaction between you, working on things that are broken, or things that feel right now like “elephants in the room”, then its hard to move past it all, creating a new healthy role in the family is important I think.
My mother in law was opposite yours. She would not have anything to do with my husband for months and months after he returned home. She was hurting and in pain. All of it was her choice, and her path, and while some of her choices I didn’t agree with; I had to respect them. So I would not try to interfere with your MIL recovery, or the relationship she has with her son. If he did move in with her it would present no problems in my mind unless she has addiction issues herself. If your husband is working to stay clean, and make a better life then I personally don’t think it matters where he lives as long as it is a stable, and drug free environment.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 59
Thank you all for the input. Sorry I haven't been on here. I went to my first al anon meeting and feel good but anxious still and I can't sleep. My husband is in recovery still and I'm so happy for that but I have issues still that I need to work on and I just don't know how to let go today and do that. It's bothering me right now that I called him and he's not picking up. I don't know what it is but I know I need to work on myself and take responsibility for my actions. I still just don't know how to find myself. I'm lonely and have no one to talk to and it's hurting me tonight and I'm upset I'm hurting when he's getting better. And I'm hurt that I'm all alone here. It's crazy to me hearing women who cheat on their husbands who are great and wonderful who do everything for them and dote over them yet that has never even crossed my mind and my husbands an addict. It makes me angry. Anyone else agree?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
now is the time to slow things down.....ONE day at a time. and make that most of EACH day, for YOU. i bet you haven't really focused on YOUR needs, your wants, your thoughts feelings and dreams in a while!
not matter what HE does, you still have a life to live.
not matter what HE does, you still have a life to live.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
I think its important to be able to talk to someone. Trouble shared is trouble halved. Try to find a sponsor at al/nar anon to whom you can talk with in detail. Also very helpful to find a social worker or psychologist who specializes in helping family members cope with the addiction of a loved one, who can teach you skills to handle addiction. I and my wife benefited greatly from a therapist, who helped us think through our challenges as we cope with the addiction of our young adult son.
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