someoneswife

So my husband coins out of his 30 day program Friday and will enter a sober living facility for 60 days of intensive outpatient. We have a 2 year old and she has only got to see him once since he's been in there. She talks on the phone to him briefly but being only 2 she's not the biggest conversationalist. The past week or so she has really started talking about him a lot. Asking where he is, having meltdowns because she can't see her daddy, started having pretty frequent accidents even though she's been potty trained for a while and most recently she looked at me and just said "My Daddy is alive". She has become really mean to me at times and thats way out of character for her. All these things break my heart. Her world has been turned upside down. She has to stay at my parents overnight because I work nights and I know that's having an impact on her too. Just a general lack of stability. I've explained to her that Daddy is sick and at the hospital but will be coming home soon. She's still too young to even comprehend that concept. I want her to feel safe and not abandoned. I just don't know how to do that. Has anyone else had any experience with this? Thanks!

CFDMama

I can't say I'm at the point where I've had experience with this, but I'm fearful of being in the same situation. My boyfriend is about to enter detox (Godwilling) and my son and I will have to move out of our apartment and go stay with family. I think we'll have good support, but I'm terrified of what not seeing his father everyday is going to do to him (he is about to turn 1). I know he's very young and barely even understands what we say to him half the time, but I know he's already starting to act out in his own way. He's become clingy and at bedtime he is really fighting it, trying to get me to play games and chase him around the house when he's clearly tired.

I guess the only thing I can say is keep a good support system and stay strong for her. I'm sure that's not anything you don't already know. I wish you the best!

story74

Can you make a book of photos of you, the daddy and her. Something she can look through?

They definitely need a routine to feel safe. This might be the big problem. So, if you are working nights try to think of a way to give her routine. I know it is hard. But they need the same. routine makes them feel safe. Same way waking up...same way going to bed. When they know what is coming next, they feel safe. Even if Monday is noodle night. and Tuesday is rice night. Maybe Friday is pizza and movie night. Wherever you can fit in routine in your schedule try. Also, try to play with her a lot. Again, it must be really hard working nights. I feel for you. Is there a way to maybe change your schedule? There is a great book called simplicity parenting by kim john payne you might want to check out.

Also, not sure how much adult conversation she is hearing? She doesn't need to know what is going on. She is too young. To explain where daddy is...daddy is sick and going to a doctor to feel better.

Say a prayer for him every night.

Tel her funny stories about him.

Let her know that she is safe and daddy loves her and so do you.

Don't make a big deal about her accidents. it's ok.

Play/ act out lots of stories with her. For example, "once upon a time there was a princess who was very sad because her daddy had to go on a long trip....and add whatever necessary to help guide her through her complicated emotions.

Above all, keep info very simple. She should not be hearing any adult talk.

It's so hard with kids. I am sending you many many blessings.

someoneswife

Currently changing my schedule is not possible as I make more money on nights and I am paying for his 90 day rehab out of pocket not to mention all the other bills.

A photo album is a great idea and I will try that out! She doesn't hear any adult talk. We've been very careful of that. Thanks for the tips.

allforcnm

Im sorry for what you are going through, especially the worries with your daughter. My son was an infant when his dad went through his 90 day rehab. But he is now almost the same age as your daughter. I know how attached he is to his dad. I don’t know if any of this would work given your situation, but when my husband has to travel out of town for work now, we use skype and our son can see his dad and talk. He really gets a kick out of it. Also, you can record skype too, maybe a short bedtime story. Another neat thing; they have recordable picture books, and she could either hear his voice reading to her, or yours before she goes to bed at your parents for the night. There is one that is about two bears that miss each other because they are apart, and some about how much they are loved, there are also classic stories. I think they are maybe $15-20. Just a couple thoughts.

someoneswife

Allforcnm,
Skype is a great idea I hadn't thought of!!! He entered sober living today and I know at some point will be able to earn his cell phone back so that is a very real option for us!!! Thanks so much for the idea!!

hisimage48

Hi someoneswife.. So happy for you that your husband is getting help. And skype?! Pefect!!

I just wanted to also suggest that your daughter also is learning to think differently than you want. She is getting her own opinion. You said she is 2. I just want to share that one night when my now 18 year old was trying to get into the fridge I said no. She looked at me, screamed at the top of her lungs and threw herself to the floor. I thought for sure she must have been sick because NEVER had she done such a thing.

I later figured out that no, she was just trying to voice her own opinion. I only want you to know that because you said she is sometimes mean to you. She loves you the same, she might just want things to go her way, in addition to missing daddy.

Congrats again.
Be well,

allforcnm

Happy to hear he made it into Sober Living. I hope things go well for him, for your whole family. I will keep you in my prayers.

If your daughter is anything like my son, she must be quite the artist. Something else we do... sometimes when he creates his drawings, he wants to give them to daddy, or to grandma right away... so if that is not possible in the moment... we will take a picture of his picture with the phone and send it to whoever he wants. He doesn't quite get all the technology of course, but he can look on the phone and see the picture and he knows its in there, and its going to daddy, or grandma. It helps him feel connected, and then we save the original artwork for when we can hand it off in person.