mfox

Any parent out there can understand sleep deprivation. Going WEEKS without a full night of sleep. Trying to function, work, raise a family and maintain sanity after about three minutes of sleep each night. All for the sake of this beautiful tiny little human who relies so completely on you for all of their needs. It's exhausting but yet so fulfilling and rewarding as you watch this amazing little soul grow and learn and explore and fill your life with so much love, happiness and hope. Somehow losing any amount of sleep is worth the sheer joy they bring to us. We are resoundingly rewarded for our sacrifice.

Then, enter the addict. Again, sleepless night after sleepless night. Wondering, watching, waiting. Will they still be here in the morning? Will your car, your money, your credit cards, your TV be where you left them. Will tonight be the night you get the call - they were arrested, they're hurt, they overdosed, they're dead. Yes, that last one is all of our greatest fear. That is the big one we are all fighting so desperately against. Sleepless night again and again. Then the added stress and worry to each and every day. No reward for our sacrifices. No reward for our worry, concern, stress and sleeplessness. Heck, not even a 'hey, thanks." In fact, they don't even seem to notice what you are going through - but why should they? After all YOU are doing it to YOURSELF by choosing to remain here with them. And as long as you stay you will continue on the ferris wheel. Around and around and around.

So that is the long way of getting to my point of how much I have MISSED real sleep! I was a walking zombie - seriously - they could have thrown me in a zombie flick without the makeup and I would have fit it seamlessly! But, I'm finally out! And it is so good to sleep! It took a long time to be able to sleep an entire night without waking with that fear, but FINALLY I can sleep.

I just needed to share one of the really great things of being able to move on and away from someone I loved with every ounce of me but who became someone I didn't recognize. Oh, there are other things too.... the ability to REALLY laugh, to relax and have fun without worrying if we are going to make "someone" unhappy, the fact that I actually have money to spend on me and my kids again. But the sleep, yep, I'm really liking that.

Don't get me wrong, I know there are parents out there who can never really let go of their babies who are struggling with addictions. I know you will likely never really be able to sleep soundly without worry. And I still worry about him. But it is out of my control. I had to let go - for me, for my kids. Life really is good and God has truly blessed me. And I can finally SLEEP.

Thanks to all of you for your advice and support! You are all amazing!

allforcnm

What a great post. I can relate to both. My son now finally sleeps through the night ! I never knew what a blessing THAT would be. And I clearly recall when my husband was in active addiction and would be out until all hours, and then when we were apart for a while; such restless sleep. Now he is in recovery too and peaceful slumber has returned. I get it !