Tleac

I just posted my story in this forum. I forgot to ask an important question that I would LOVE some advice on.
Last night my husband sent me a text. It said, "If you could agree to every one of my demands I made then I could go to Rehab with confidence and security in our marriage and family....."
I haven't responded to this because I'm not sure how to go about it. I'm thinking I will ask him tonight what his "demands" are, and go from there. Has anyone ever heard this before? Does it seem like he's just being manipulative? Or maybe that he's wanting to get the help but just desperate to have that control?
I don't know...

EverHopeful721

Hi Tleac and welcome to SR, although I'm sorry for what brought you here. I also read your other post, and yes, your husband is absolutely being manipulative!! He keeps telling you if you just do A, B and C, he'll get clean. That is manipulation, pure and simple. First of all, you have NOTHING to do with whether he gets clean or stays clean - it is all on him. If he was serious about getting clean, he would be doing it, by himself and for himself, not telling you that YOU need to 'agree to every one of my demands' and THEN I'll get clean.

Please do not let him put the responsibility of him getting clean on YOUR shoulders and don't doubt yourself - it IS manipulation!!

Please read around, including the 'stickies' at the top of the forum, and particularly, "What Addicts Do." You've come to the right place for support - please continue to read and post!!

cynical one

Doesn't matter. Take the use of drugs out of it...are DEMANDS acceptable behavior? Only you can decide. And, is texting proper communication for any of this crap? That's one step above post-it notes.

AnvilheadII

his drug addiction is HIS problem. the solution to that problem is HIS to seek. that he would dare to put conditions upon that, DEMAND things of you, put the onus of HIS recovery on you is reprehensible to say nothing of selfish.

how dare he?

ValidUsername

Greetings Tleac and welcome to SR.

First of all I would like to saw a big thank you and well done for seeking out help such as this site. Sometimes it helps to see your situation from another persons perspective, and it can really help you see things you may have missed and give you the support and confidence to help you make better decisions. There is really good info on this site about the sort of behavior you can expect to encounter, to get you prepared for whats to come. If you ever feel very low and need to talk to people with a more instant reply, I have found the chat here is incredibly supportive. I wish all the best of luck with this situation, and please keep us posted about the results

Good luck babe

Tleac

You're right, even the word DEMAND is so....demanding? LOL No, it really just disgusts me the more I think about it, though. Like someone else said, how dare he!

And texting isn't really the best form of communication. Perhaps the worst. However, at this point I very seldom have enough patience to carry on a phone conversation with him. And if we do have a phone conversation it usually results in an argument and the phone call abruptly ending. Then 99% of the time I receive a text, or two, or 12.

Maybe post it notes would actually be better. Then he couldn't quickly and unthoughtfully (not a word, I know) reply to me right away with his manipulating BS. He would have to soak it up a bit before delivering his reply.

Chaos. Chaos I tell you. How on earth am I okay with this? Why is this my life?

LoveMeNow

Because we allow it to be.....for reasons we must heal and change! It took me a long time to acknowledge that I had fear of abandonment but when I did, I worked hard on healing that part of me.

Oh and my codependent thinking didn't help either, lol.

MiSoberbio

I think LoveMeNow is onto something with her comment -- what you wrote here is important. It's the start of a journey.

Tleac

I told my husband How about this...I demand you just don't talk to me anymore until you decide you're going to rehab.
His response? You can't keep my baby from me. I want to see her today.

What should I do in this situation? I will never let him be alone with her for obvious reasons, so it puts me in a tough position. I don't want to keep her from him, and I do allow him to see her as long as there are no signs he is high. But if I tell him I don't want him talking to me and he comes back with that response, what should I do? I have to make it not about me anymore and do what's best for the baby, right? There is no reason to not let him come visit her as long as he is not high, except for my own issues with him, right?

I don't know...so confused when it comes to this. I don't want to be that mom who completely destroys a father daughter relationship. Don't get me wrong, I know in all actuality he is the one destroying all of us and our relationships here...but I don't know where to go from here...

crazybabie

My suggestion is in the future don't make demands make boundaries and stick with them, I understand you were likely upset with his demandish ( I know not a word) attitude,

There will likely be a point you will have to let him see the child and I agree if he is not high and has nothing on him then he should however maybe set up a schedule you can live so he can see his daughter yet at the same time he can't just pop in whenever he feels like it because that will only make things harder on you.

lesliej

YOU are not "completely destroying" a father daughter relationship!!...he is destroying it...I think at this point he is more in love with the needle than her. She is too young to be exposed to the drama and trauma of drug addiction. She needs to be sheltered.

I also suspect he is using her to get to you.

Maybe other parents can speak better to this dilemma...

nytepassion

In other words, I didn't get the response I wanted so I am going to use the baby as leverage. I DEMAND to see her TODAY!

May I suggest that you don't give into this kind of manipulative behavior either.
If he would like to see the baby and you are more than willing as long as he is not high then might he set up a day and time that is convenient for you and he can come see his child.

No demands! No drop everything cause I want to do it today! That is a lack of respect for you, the baby and it is rude.

He must not be allowed to call the shots. You are in charge of what goes on with the baby. He can't just walk in whenever he sees fit.

Remember who is in control here and I don't mean vindictive control, but rather best interest control. He is acting like a dictator being little big man and trying to move the game pieces in the direction he wants them to go.

Truthfully he hasn't any ground to stand on when he is refusing to get the help he so badly needs.

Don't bend or he will go for the break. Use your head and not your heart.

Passion

AnvilheadII

is this the same jackass that didn't last more than 10 minutes AFTER his baby was born before he was off to get high??????????

you aren't keeping his daughter from HIM, his actions make it impossible to trust him in her presence! don't buy into his BS. his "demands" - he's trying every play in the book. watch his reaction, every time you say NO (i'd prefer you do this from a safe distance of a few zip codes if possible!).

i'm no psychic but i do know what people sound like who have been humbled by their addiction and embrace recovery like only the dying can and THIS ain't it. not even close. he's full of ego, and self importance, with utter lack of respect for you - we could throw in the bit about lying, scheming, being irresponsible, neglectful....well you get the idea.

atalose

Alcoholics/Addicts don't have relationships - they take hostages!!!

Now he wants to negotiate with his hostage....by using his own baby......go to the courts for help on supervised visits and be done with this mess of a man until he SHOWS you RECOVERY instead of using it as a tool to negotiate with.

Tleac

I first just have to say that I am so extremely happy I found this support. It's great to get the advice and opinions of people who are not biased. I'm not very surprised that the advice isn't much different from what my own friends and family have given me, but I so appreciate each and every one of you for taking the time out of your busy schedules to try to help me!

I took something from every single response. It was great feedback.

Just to make it clear, I wasn't actually making a demand to him, but more of throwing the word "demand" back at him...and kind of making fun of him for even using that word towards me. I think me coming up with a set schedule would make things a lot easier on me and I do want to try to do that. I know he will get mad and call me controlling and say it always has to be your way or no way or can't you just act like my wife for once! I don't fall for that crap anymore, though...but he still hasn't given up with all the insane manipulation.

I too suspect he is somewhat using her to get to me. He does love her very much and would love to see her on a regular basis...but on his own terms. His mom is who watches her when I work. I just started working 2 months ago, but she takes her to see him when he's not working when she has her. So, I told him he can see her when his mom has her...but he says he's always working when she has her so it's not enough time. I could probably set up a couple visits a week for him at his mom's house...that way I don't have to be around him. It makes me so sad that I have to say that and feel this way about my own husband!

nytepassion, I love your response: "No demands! No drop everything cause I want to do it today! That is a lack of respect for you, the baby and it is rude.

He must not be allowed to call the shots. You are in charge of what goes on with the baby. He can't just walk in whenever he sees fit.

Remember who is in control here and I don't mean vindictive control, but rather best interest control. He is acting like a dictator being little big man and trying to move the game pieces in the direction he wants them to go.

Truthfully he hasn't any ground to stand on when he is refusing to get the help he so badly needs.

Don't bend or he will go for the break. Use your head and not your heart."

I almost felt like I was reading facts from a text book. You are so right about every word! My husband would not agree, though, that's for sure. He tells me Every addict is different. No one has the same story and therefore no one can compare my situation with anyone else's. He doesn't think rehab is for everyone, including him. He thinks with Gods power and grace and the way he makes miracles happen, as long as he submits himself to God and gets more involved in church then he can get clean on his own. Maybe so...who knows. The first problem with this is that he has never taken one step towards doing any of that.