Leaving after 10 years and need support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
Leaving after 10 years and need support
I feel strong at times, numb at times, hopeful, free, exhausted, nostalgic, depressed…
Today is hard. I woke up and for that split second (between sleeping and waking) I thought he was in the bed next to me and I almost rolled over and said “good morning”. I’m so used to him being there, because he has been everyday for the past 10 years. Sometimes after work, I almost call him and tell him I’m on my way home.
I just turned 30; I spent 20-30 with him. That’s a long time.
Each time I remember a good memory, I counter it with a bad memory to keep myself balanced, is it a good method to use? I think it is helping me. I realize now that even when many of the “good memories” were being created, there was an element of deceit going on in the background that I wasn’t aware of.
He was an addict before I met him; when I met him he was in recovery and doing great…I really loved him so I gave it a chance. He was fine for a long time, as long as everything was “perfect” but as soon as there were difficult choices to make, stressors to endure, hardships to face he looked to drugs/alcohol for escape.
Throughout his time as an addict he developed his methods of deceit and is pretty good at deceiving. This time he was shooting heroin for three months and I didn’t know. I’m tired of the cycle of half-truths, deceit etc. I have given so many chances and I can’t give another. My friend says that he is concerned because he knows I am kind and is afraid that I will continue to give him chances, because I want so much for him to make it, and each time it will wear me down until I get sick or have a breakdown. He also believes that my boyfriend is selfish enough (but not in a malicious way) to stand by and let it happen.
He has given up on himself and I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure him. This existed in his life long before I arrived. I just thought we could get through it together. But I was wrong and it hurts. It hurts to leave but I will be committing myself to an emotional/spiritual prison if I stay…and the deceit will happen again and I will be crushed a little more each time. He could make me sick…using needles is a huge risk. I am so worried about his well being, worried that he might die of an overdose or on the street. But the painful truth is he is not as worried about my well being. I don’t doubt that he loves me, but I think he loves me for what I can do for him…like a sense of support/comfort/companionship not in a way that nourishes, uplifts and supports me also…because when I need that he is unavailable and always mired in his own melodrama. I’m drained. He’s in rehab now, so I have time to breath and think. I’m still in our apartment and that’s hard. I am looking for another place and it seems surreal. I need support to get through this, I feel on the brink of intense despair but I am working really had to keep my head up and stay focused…to trust that I am doing the right thing. Even his sponsor said, a while ago, that he should ask me to move/kick him out if he picks up again. And he’s been picking up every day for the past three months.
Today is hard. I woke up and for that split second (between sleeping and waking) I thought he was in the bed next to me and I almost rolled over and said “good morning”. I’m so used to him being there, because he has been everyday for the past 10 years. Sometimes after work, I almost call him and tell him I’m on my way home.
I just turned 30; I spent 20-30 with him. That’s a long time.
Each time I remember a good memory, I counter it with a bad memory to keep myself balanced, is it a good method to use? I think it is helping me. I realize now that even when many of the “good memories” were being created, there was an element of deceit going on in the background that I wasn’t aware of.
He was an addict before I met him; when I met him he was in recovery and doing great…I really loved him so I gave it a chance. He was fine for a long time, as long as everything was “perfect” but as soon as there were difficult choices to make, stressors to endure, hardships to face he looked to drugs/alcohol for escape.
Throughout his time as an addict he developed his methods of deceit and is pretty good at deceiving. This time he was shooting heroin for three months and I didn’t know. I’m tired of the cycle of half-truths, deceit etc. I have given so many chances and I can’t give another. My friend says that he is concerned because he knows I am kind and is afraid that I will continue to give him chances, because I want so much for him to make it, and each time it will wear me down until I get sick or have a breakdown. He also believes that my boyfriend is selfish enough (but not in a malicious way) to stand by and let it happen.
He has given up on himself and I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure him. This existed in his life long before I arrived. I just thought we could get through it together. But I was wrong and it hurts. It hurts to leave but I will be committing myself to an emotional/spiritual prison if I stay…and the deceit will happen again and I will be crushed a little more each time. He could make me sick…using needles is a huge risk. I am so worried about his well being, worried that he might die of an overdose or on the street. But the painful truth is he is not as worried about my well being. I don’t doubt that he loves me, but I think he loves me for what I can do for him…like a sense of support/comfort/companionship not in a way that nourishes, uplifts and supports me also…because when I need that he is unavailable and always mired in his own melodrama. I’m drained. He’s in rehab now, so I have time to breath and think. I’m still in our apartment and that’s hard. I am looking for another place and it seems surreal. I need support to get through this, I feel on the brink of intense despair but I am working really had to keep my head up and stay focused…to trust that I am doing the right thing. Even his sponsor said, a while ago, that he should ask me to move/kick him out if he picks up again. And he’s been picking up every day for the past three months.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
My heart hurts just reading your words, shutterbug, and I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. I will say that the clarity with which you are seeing the situation is amazing, and I think that's an important first step in looking after you and taking the necessary steps to begin your own recovery. You've come to a lot of the same conclusions and realizations that I've reached with my XA. But unfortunately, it does not make it any easier in dealing with the pain and heartache that comes with it. I think it's a good method to counter a good memory with a bad one - I've been doing the same thing. And you absolutely are doing the right thing, because you are doing what you need to do for YOURSELF. As you said, this existed in his life long before you arrived, and you can't control it or cure it for him. Only he can do that for himself. Please take care of you and keep us posted. Sending great big hugs.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Hi Shutterbug -
Learning to love ourselves and put our needs first can be very uncomfortable at first. It is just so foreign to us, we begin to have self doubt. But this too will past if we keep working on ourselves. I had to keep reminding myself over and over that self care is not selfish, eventually it sunk in.
Learning to love ourselves and put our needs first can be very uncomfortable at first. It is just so foreign to us, we begin to have self doubt. But this too will past if we keep working on ourselves. I had to keep reminding myself over and over that self care is not selfish, eventually it sunk in.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
After writing this post, reading responses and calling a friend, I feel a bit better. When I woke up this morning, depression hit me hard. I was fine yesterday and the day before, even beginning to enjoy freedom from worrying. I think the fact that I am going to the detox hospital this afternoon to drop off clothing for him has got my emotions twisted up. I won’t see him, but I think just the action of going there is a trigger. I can’t wait to get it over with and have the weekend totally to myself. Well, I’ll be visiting family. It’s really important for me to be connected with supportive people right now. I’ve been calling a good friend at night and it’s been helping me deal with the initial void that is left in his absence. Although… last night I started to feel lonely but then I thought to myself…at least I’m not worried, terrified or just generally dealing with his regular bad moods now, I can handle this.
"I will say that the clarity with which you are seeing the situation is amazing, and I think that's an important first step in looking after you and taking the necessary steps to begin your own recovery."
Thank you everhopeful721. It took me a long time and far too many "let downs" to get here. Thankfully i am able to see more clearly now. It's almost like when my heart closed, my eyes opened...after so much pain i was finally liberated from intensely loving him the way i had in the past. I focused so much on him that i lost myself and thats something i have to work out...what made me willing to lose myself for so long?
"I will say that the clarity with which you are seeing the situation is amazing, and I think that's an important first step in looking after you and taking the necessary steps to begin your own recovery."
Thank you everhopeful721. It took me a long time and far too many "let downs" to get here. Thankfully i am able to see more clearly now. It's almost like when my heart closed, my eyes opened...after so much pain i was finally liberated from intensely loving him the way i had in the past. I focused so much on him that i lost myself and thats something i have to work out...what made me willing to lose myself for so long?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by Shutterbug1 
I focused so much on him that i lost myself and thats something i have to work out...what made me willing to lose myself for so long?
And you need to do the same, shutterbug, because WE, more than anyone else, deserve our OWN love, care and attention. We need to work on ourselves, heal ourselves, so when the RIGHT guy comes along (hopefully one who doesn't NEED help or to be fixed), we can finally see how wonderful it can be to be in a HEALTHY relationship. Because we DESERVE that, shutterbug!!
Please continue to come here for support or just to vent. We're all right here with you, in varying stages of the same situation, and we will all get through this together!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Shutterbug, I am sorry this hurts you right now, but grief is part of the closure you need before you can have new beginnings.
You are stronger than you know, you will be okay and one day you will look back at all this as a valueable lesson in life.
This poem is an old favourite of mine and it has helped me through some of my roughest days.
Storms
Margie DeMerell
There will be storms, child
There will be storms
And with each tempest
You will seem to stand alone
Against cruel winds
But with time, the rage and fury
Shall subside
And when the sky clears
You will find yourself
Clinging to someone
You would have never known
But for storms.
You are stronger than you know, you will be okay and one day you will look back at all this as a valueable lesson in life.
This poem is an old favourite of mine and it has helped me through some of my roughest days.
Storms
Margie DeMerell
There will be storms, child
There will be storms
And with each tempest
You will seem to stand alone
Against cruel winds
But with time, the rage and fury
Shall subside
And when the sky clears
You will find yourself
Clinging to someone
You would have never known
But for storms.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 17
Wow! I felt like I was reading my own life in your post!
I have also been with my boyfriend for 10 years and I just turned 30 as well!!
It has been a little over 2 months since I have seen him. The biggest thing that helps me is surrounding myself with my supportive friends and family. It is what gets me through these hard days. I have to admit that after so long I felt more relief than pain and sadness. I started to feel so guilty when I was feeling so good. Until I removed myself from that situation I didn't realize how sick I had gotten!!!
My boyfriend basically starting using a little over 2 years ago ( from what he admits) he started out using pills then eventually moved onto shooting heroin. I had no clue that he was even using anything. When he was in a bad mood or not feeling well (dope sick) he would say he was depressed, tired from working, or stressed. It got to the point that he didn't want todo anything at all and if he did go somewhere he would leave early and leave me. Then money issues started. He was always broke. I truly believe that's the only reason he had to ask for help. He couldn't do it any longer. Well he went through detox and said he was doing great. Later on I found out that he never got clean- he was still using while going through the detox program- he had us all fooled! A few months later things just weren't adding up and he added he was using again so he found a 30 day program and went away. He swore up and down he was done and ready to give 100% to his recovery.well he was going to meetings daily and he finally took me to one! Then the next day after that he relapsed! That day I didn't hear from him at all! I had to hear from his sister that he relapsed and was going back to rehab. I felt so hurt and lost. But I told him I would be there for him. I visited him for family day and I just felt so lost and unconnected. Seeing him interact with the other girls there I just felt like he had so much in common with them and I wasn't sure I even knew who he was anymore. I wrote him a letter stating that things had to change or I couldn't do it any longer. He came home and I felt like things were going pretty well. We were talking and laughing again and just enjoying each other. Then things slowly started to go downhill. Stories weren't adding up and the moods got worse. I found a few things around the house that made me suspicious and when I confronted him it just made things worse. It got to the point that I was worried sick all the time, I wasn't sleeping, and I was constantly lying to cover things up....to myself, his family, my family, and my friends. I had a death in my family and this was a time I needed him for once in my life. Guess what- he wasn't there! He wasn't supportive at all. That was what made me make the decision I did. I was just so hurt. I stood by him for so much and the 1 time I needed him he wasn't there.
Hang in there and be strong! I know this site helps me out so much and I try to visit daily if I can. I know for me taking it day by day is key to MY RECOVERY
I have also been with my boyfriend for 10 years and I just turned 30 as well!!
It has been a little over 2 months since I have seen him. The biggest thing that helps me is surrounding myself with my supportive friends and family. It is what gets me through these hard days. I have to admit that after so long I felt more relief than pain and sadness. I started to feel so guilty when I was feeling so good. Until I removed myself from that situation I didn't realize how sick I had gotten!!!
My boyfriend basically starting using a little over 2 years ago ( from what he admits) he started out using pills then eventually moved onto shooting heroin. I had no clue that he was even using anything. When he was in a bad mood or not feeling well (dope sick) he would say he was depressed, tired from working, or stressed. It got to the point that he didn't want todo anything at all and if he did go somewhere he would leave early and leave me. Then money issues started. He was always broke. I truly believe that's the only reason he had to ask for help. He couldn't do it any longer. Well he went through detox and said he was doing great. Later on I found out that he never got clean- he was still using while going through the detox program- he had us all fooled! A few months later things just weren't adding up and he added he was using again so he found a 30 day program and went away. He swore up and down he was done and ready to give 100% to his recovery.well he was going to meetings daily and he finally took me to one! Then the next day after that he relapsed! That day I didn't hear from him at all! I had to hear from his sister that he relapsed and was going back to rehab. I felt so hurt and lost. But I told him I would be there for him. I visited him for family day and I just felt so lost and unconnected. Seeing him interact with the other girls there I just felt like he had so much in common with them and I wasn't sure I even knew who he was anymore. I wrote him a letter stating that things had to change or I couldn't do it any longer. He came home and I felt like things were going pretty well. We were talking and laughing again and just enjoying each other. Then things slowly started to go downhill. Stories weren't adding up and the moods got worse. I found a few things around the house that made me suspicious and when I confronted him it just made things worse. It got to the point that I was worried sick all the time, I wasn't sleeping, and I was constantly lying to cover things up....to myself, his family, my family, and my friends. I had a death in my family and this was a time I needed him for once in my life. Guess what- he wasn't there! He wasn't supportive at all. That was what made me make the decision I did. I was just so hurt. I stood by him for so much and the 1 time I needed him he wasn't there.
Hang in there and be strong! I know this site helps me out so much and I try to visit daily if I can. I know for me taking it day by day is key to MY RECOVERY
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