oh so you didn't pick up today? you want a trophy? right?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
oh so you didn't pick up today? you want a trophy? right?
I get it. Its a big deal... but not really to me. I guess if I went a few days without picking up cigarettes then I would be excited too.
Well D showed me his case paperwork to " prove" to me he is clean. I am not no contact, but limited. I talk to him a couple times a week and if he wanders into church.
he seems resentful that being clean off of heroin isn't enough. well, he has been clean before. He was 90 days clean and working a program and done stepwork and whatnot when he relapsed this last time. This is relapse number 2. I believe he was in active addiction when I met him, maybe he has been this whole time. He has been sober every time I talked to him. But I know he drinks when he goes home. My defenses are up and staying that way and he can deal with it. I talk to him on my terms and if he doesn't like it then he can cry to mommy about it.
He is in the sweet guy phase right now. I haven't seen much anger, but then again maybe he knows he will catch more flies with sugar than vinegar. He seems smart enough to know that.
He still drinks alcohol, he admits he is substituting addictions, but just isn't ready.
I can relate. Im not ready for no contact. (sigh)
I can really relate to shinebrights post about the ocean. I feel like I haven't left the beach. I can still see the waves and breathe the salty air, sometimes I let the water lap at my ankles, but I made sure my house is up on the hill, not down by the water.
so what am I getting out of all of this? hmmm... tough question that I ask myself.
I get to see an old friend of mine once or twice a week whom I care about and want to see do well.
I get to be cheerleader at appropriate victories, like doing well at work and soforth.
I get to be the better person
I get to live out forgiveness
these are not all necessarily good or healthy things.
I don't get:
romance
a shoulder to cry on
cuddles
kisses
hugs
a friend of mine told me she doesn't think I love him I only think I do. I think she may have a point, but Im not sure.
there is a saying, if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, its yours, and if it doesn't then it never was.
well in the case of the addict, I wonder why they come back. do they even love us at all? they don't even love god enough to be obedient. they don't even love themselves. how can they love us?
I would like to think I love him. I want nothing more for him than to live with his oceans calmed by god. I mean well... My HP did calm the storm and walk on waves after all.
of course it could happen, but Im not so sure if I will be the girl who he can turn to if it does.
but now I just live every day the best I can. See him when I feel it won't make me sad. I picked up extra shifts at the diner and do my math homework.
a huge sign for me in healing is that I can play piano again. I don't weep every time I hear it.
talk about future trippin though, I know exactly which dress to wear to his funeral if he ODs or drives his bike drunk and wrecks it. I know what song I would play, but I don't dread that mythical phone call like I used to.
his mother is starting to come around, she called and asked me to please not give him money if he asks, because he asked her and she had refused. I admire that in her. Enabling is so hard and I think its awesome she found a little no inside her spirit again.
baby steps one day at a time. I give him to god and then wrestle him back in my mind. Good memories are in my dreams still every night. I really like the exercise of wrapping them in a blanket and giving them to god.
the only picture I have out of him he is sleeping on my couch all wrapped up in grandmas quilt. I put it in my bible that I only use for holidays in the pages the psalms. it helps to look at it and imagine he is sleeping there with god.
thanks for letting me get it all out. Im still afraid to cry. Im afraid I won't stop of I do. Im afraid of slowing down and getting depressed.
Well D showed me his case paperwork to " prove" to me he is clean. I am not no contact, but limited. I talk to him a couple times a week and if he wanders into church.
he seems resentful that being clean off of heroin isn't enough. well, he has been clean before. He was 90 days clean and working a program and done stepwork and whatnot when he relapsed this last time. This is relapse number 2. I believe he was in active addiction when I met him, maybe he has been this whole time. He has been sober every time I talked to him. But I know he drinks when he goes home. My defenses are up and staying that way and he can deal with it. I talk to him on my terms and if he doesn't like it then he can cry to mommy about it.
He is in the sweet guy phase right now. I haven't seen much anger, but then again maybe he knows he will catch more flies with sugar than vinegar. He seems smart enough to know that.
He still drinks alcohol, he admits he is substituting addictions, but just isn't ready.
I can relate. Im not ready for no contact. (sigh)
I can really relate to shinebrights post about the ocean. I feel like I haven't left the beach. I can still see the waves and breathe the salty air, sometimes I let the water lap at my ankles, but I made sure my house is up on the hill, not down by the water.
so what am I getting out of all of this? hmmm... tough question that I ask myself.
I get to see an old friend of mine once or twice a week whom I care about and want to see do well.
I get to be cheerleader at appropriate victories, like doing well at work and soforth.
I get to be the better person
I get to live out forgiveness
these are not all necessarily good or healthy things.
I don't get:
romance
a shoulder to cry on
cuddles
kisses
hugs
a friend of mine told me she doesn't think I love him I only think I do. I think she may have a point, but Im not sure.
there is a saying, if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, its yours, and if it doesn't then it never was.
well in the case of the addict, I wonder why they come back. do they even love us at all? they don't even love god enough to be obedient. they don't even love themselves. how can they love us?
I would like to think I love him. I want nothing more for him than to live with his oceans calmed by god. I mean well... My HP did calm the storm and walk on waves after all.
of course it could happen, but Im not so sure if I will be the girl who he can turn to if it does.
but now I just live every day the best I can. See him when I feel it won't make me sad. I picked up extra shifts at the diner and do my math homework.
a huge sign for me in healing is that I can play piano again. I don't weep every time I hear it.
talk about future trippin though, I know exactly which dress to wear to his funeral if he ODs or drives his bike drunk and wrecks it. I know what song I would play, but I don't dread that mythical phone call like I used to.
his mother is starting to come around, she called and asked me to please not give him money if he asks, because he asked her and she had refused. I admire that in her. Enabling is so hard and I think its awesome she found a little no inside her spirit again.
baby steps one day at a time. I give him to god and then wrestle him back in my mind. Good memories are in my dreams still every night. I really like the exercise of wrapping them in a blanket and giving them to god.
the only picture I have out of him he is sleeping on my couch all wrapped up in grandmas quilt. I put it in my bible that I only use for holidays in the pages the psalms. it helps to look at it and imagine he is sleeping there with god.
thanks for letting me get it all out. Im still afraid to cry. Im afraid I won't stop of I do. Im afraid of slowing down and getting depressed.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Lily, you sound like you are past the anger and resentment and now feel compassion for a sick man who refuses to get well. It still hurts, but our hearts go to a better place with it all and can heal if we let it.
I feel that way about my son, I feel compassion for a man who has sold his soul and his life to addiction and who is lost in a world of darkness and grief for the life he left behind. I feel compassion for him and I pray for him and I wish him only good days ahead...and then I give him to God to take care of, to do for him what he cannot do for himself.
Addiction isn't about "us", never was. It affects each one of us but it is not ours to control. Getting past that illusion is huge. You are there now, it gets better in time.
Hugs
I feel that way about my son, I feel compassion for a man who has sold his soul and his life to addiction and who is lost in a world of darkness and grief for the life he left behind. I feel compassion for him and I pray for him and I wish him only good days ahead...and then I give him to God to take care of, to do for him what he cannot do for himself.
Addiction isn't about "us", never was. It affects each one of us but it is not ours to control. Getting past that illusion is huge. You are there now, it gets better in time.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Sorry,Ann...this deserves a repeat>>>>>>SR(codie section) condensed into 34 words:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >
Addiction isn't about "us", never was. It affects each one of us but it is not ours to control.
Getting past that illusion is huge. You are there now, it gets better in time.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >
Thanks,Ann.
Hey Lily.....listen to Ann!
(I did,even when I didn't want to hear what she was saying)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >
Addiction isn't about "us", never was. It affects each one of us but it is not ours to control.
Getting past that illusion is huge. You are there now, it gets better in time.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >
Thanks,Ann.
Hey Lily.....listen to Ann!
(I did,even when I didn't want to hear what she was saying)
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