I feel horrible and could use encouragement today
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Oh, I am so sorry. I was there once. I needed the money (still do). I would contact for him and get the same DRAMA.
It hurts because you care for and love him. That is ok. Feel the pain. BUT, let him go.
No matter how much he owes you, or how much you need the money just let it go. I know this is hard. TRUST ME! Like I said, I needed every cent. I have a son with my XAH. Life is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better without an addict. I promise.
My 2 cents.
Many blessings
It hurts because you care for and love him. That is ok. Feel the pain. BUT, let him go.
No matter how much he owes you, or how much you need the money just let it go. I know this is hard. TRUST ME! Like I said, I needed every cent. I have a son with my XAH. Life is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better without an addict. I promise.
My 2 cents.
Many blessings
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
I'm feeling much better tonight (but exhausted!) Thank you for putting this all into perspective. It's things I already know and I agree with but you just sometimes need to hear it. No, it is not going to ever be ok for me to ask him for it again. At this point, I will just assume it will never come and if it doesn, i can guarantee it will not be the full amount. It's ok. Like one of you said, I will tell myself karma will come back to him.
The difficult part in this is thinking back to the last three years and telling myself, my god! How the hell did I allow this person back in each time to treat me like this. Yes, it's like PTSD almost. It's harder to look at me and try and figure it out. Today I was with my family for Easter. I think, hey it's been three Easter Sundays he's been in my life. Well, today was one. He's not with me because of drugs. Last year after rehab he relapsed right before Easter after 3 months (longest period of sobriety as far as I know) and he broke up with me in a horrid way after his drug buddies started calling him and I questioned him. His reasons were so similar to what he did today. Back then it ripped my heart into shreds. I couldn't function. The "you will never be able to trust me and I understand why, i need to move forward with my future, your family will never want me around, bla, bla, bla." I begged and pleaded with him and it was ALL through text messages. I would find out after a month of no contact he had been telling his family we were together the entire time. Who goes that long? Someone who had been using the entire month, who manipulated me into believing it was ME that was the problem and who was too afraid to tell his family we weren't together because they may have questioned his sobriety. At least one thing I can be proud of is that I'm nowhere near feeling that level of desperation, grief and loss. I was down today but not nearly as sad. So the Easter before that was a few months after I first found out he was an addict. He was calling me literally making up stories about how his ex wife showed up at his work and assaulted him, went into great detail about this story, what she looked like, how it all went down, etc. I mean GREAT detail. I would find out later after calling his ex wife that she hadn't been in the state we live in since their divorce several years prior.
And yes, I took him back. I was so much more naive then. Still am but not that bad. It's hard to think of these things and say my god, I took this person back and since that Easter two years ago, it's been pure hell. A roller coaster. Weeks or months of greatness that always turned into darkness, manipulations and emotional abuse. But I stayed. Wow.
I know what those texts were. I've heart it before. It's a way to make me feel like hey, now that you're not in my life I look so forward to the future. I will not get angry and be focused and happy about my future. How many times have I heard that in the past? Way too many. Way more than I care to think about.
The boyfriend thing (my imaginary one), I know exactly what that is. Exactly. He had to come up with something to tell his family when he showed up to work that week instead of being on vacation with us didn't he? Had to tell his friends something. Well, what better than to come up with that kind of story. oh, I'm sure it was so convincing. I'm sure he made himself out to be the big guy. Told the same story he told me. " I know I had it coming, I pushed you so far, I can see why you would do it" BLA BLA BLA. Quacking! I see through all of it. It's so easy to see now after these years. I don't care what his family or his friends think to be honest. They were not my friends. They don't matter.
So I guess I am making baby steps. I have to start somewhere. I fell into it today but I didn't let it get me down as long or as deeply as it used to a year or 2 ago. I still feel a little off right now but with time it will be better. Yes, I have to remind myself he is in active addiction. Even if he were honest about the two weeks, he acts like an addict.
The difficult part in this is thinking back to the last three years and telling myself, my god! How the hell did I allow this person back in each time to treat me like this. Yes, it's like PTSD almost. It's harder to look at me and try and figure it out. Today I was with my family for Easter. I think, hey it's been three Easter Sundays he's been in my life. Well, today was one. He's not with me because of drugs. Last year after rehab he relapsed right before Easter after 3 months (longest period of sobriety as far as I know) and he broke up with me in a horrid way after his drug buddies started calling him and I questioned him. His reasons were so similar to what he did today. Back then it ripped my heart into shreds. I couldn't function. The "you will never be able to trust me and I understand why, i need to move forward with my future, your family will never want me around, bla, bla, bla." I begged and pleaded with him and it was ALL through text messages. I would find out after a month of no contact he had been telling his family we were together the entire time. Who goes that long? Someone who had been using the entire month, who manipulated me into believing it was ME that was the problem and who was too afraid to tell his family we weren't together because they may have questioned his sobriety. At least one thing I can be proud of is that I'm nowhere near feeling that level of desperation, grief and loss. I was down today but not nearly as sad. So the Easter before that was a few months after I first found out he was an addict. He was calling me literally making up stories about how his ex wife showed up at his work and assaulted him, went into great detail about this story, what she looked like, how it all went down, etc. I mean GREAT detail. I would find out later after calling his ex wife that she hadn't been in the state we live in since their divorce several years prior.
And yes, I took him back. I was so much more naive then. Still am but not that bad. It's hard to think of these things and say my god, I took this person back and since that Easter two years ago, it's been pure hell. A roller coaster. Weeks or months of greatness that always turned into darkness, manipulations and emotional abuse. But I stayed. Wow.
I know what those texts were. I've heart it before. It's a way to make me feel like hey, now that you're not in my life I look so forward to the future. I will not get angry and be focused and happy about my future. How many times have I heard that in the past? Way too many. Way more than I care to think about.
The boyfriend thing (my imaginary one), I know exactly what that is. Exactly. He had to come up with something to tell his family when he showed up to work that week instead of being on vacation with us didn't he? Had to tell his friends something. Well, what better than to come up with that kind of story. oh, I'm sure it was so convincing. I'm sure he made himself out to be the big guy. Told the same story he told me. " I know I had it coming, I pushed you so far, I can see why you would do it" BLA BLA BLA. Quacking! I see through all of it. It's so easy to see now after these years. I don't care what his family or his friends think to be honest. They were not my friends. They don't matter.
So I guess I am making baby steps. I have to start somewhere. I fell into it today but I didn't let it get me down as long or as deeply as it used to a year or 2 ago. I still feel a little off right now but with time it will be better. Yes, I have to remind myself he is in active addiction. Even if he were honest about the two weeks, he acts like an addict.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 180
One more interesting note, after I reached out to his ex wife a few years ago, we had a few conversations, really didn't keep in touch or anything like that. She told me alot to just clear up all the lies he had told me about her. I mean, the entire thing about her just showing up to his work and assaulting him, really? Wow, I took him back. What in the hell was I thinking? That's again very hard to face when I look at my choices.
Out of the clear blue she texted me a week ago after we got back from vacation just saying that she hoped I was doing ok and that if I ever needed to talk to not feel bad about ever reaching out to her. I thought the timing was ironic. She left the state we live in to get away from him. She knew if she had stayed, the same yo yo roller coaster game would have gone on as it has with me. So, I reached out to her today. Told her about my supposed boyfriend. I told her how he told me after she moved out of their house my ex told me she started dating a dermatologist. The same dermatologist that removed a mole she had on her chest. She laughed so hard. Of course, she didn't know any dermatologists and never even saw a dermatologist the entire time they were married EVER. We did have a really laugh. The only truth of the story is she does really have a mole on her chest. It's still there. Wow.
I must stop trying to think about this all. Like some of you have said, there's no point in being a rational non-addict trying to make sense of pure insanity. Personally, I could never in a million years even think about making up stories like that. I'm a little shocked there are people like that in the world to be honest with you. It's almost sociopathic.
Well, I do feel better tonight after speaking with her and after reading your posts and after thinking about the situation. It's hard to accept that someone who you so deeply cared about at one point is gone. Like his ex said, they had a normal relationship. They went to church, they exercised, then the drugs. That was almost 10 years ago. He hasn't changed and I can never hold my breath thinking he ever will. Even if he stops, the way he had treated me is nothing that can ever be forgotten and worked through. I need to work on healing myself and learning about why I did this for so long so that I never put myself in a situation like this again.
Out of the clear blue she texted me a week ago after we got back from vacation just saying that she hoped I was doing ok and that if I ever needed to talk to not feel bad about ever reaching out to her. I thought the timing was ironic. She left the state we live in to get away from him. She knew if she had stayed, the same yo yo roller coaster game would have gone on as it has with me. So, I reached out to her today. Told her about my supposed boyfriend. I told her how he told me after she moved out of their house my ex told me she started dating a dermatologist. The same dermatologist that removed a mole she had on her chest. She laughed so hard. Of course, she didn't know any dermatologists and never even saw a dermatologist the entire time they were married EVER. We did have a really laugh. The only truth of the story is she does really have a mole on her chest. It's still there. Wow.
I must stop trying to think about this all. Like some of you have said, there's no point in being a rational non-addict trying to make sense of pure insanity. Personally, I could never in a million years even think about making up stories like that. I'm a little shocked there are people like that in the world to be honest with you. It's almost sociopathic.
Well, I do feel better tonight after speaking with her and after reading your posts and after thinking about the situation. It's hard to accept that someone who you so deeply cared about at one point is gone. Like his ex said, they had a normal relationship. They went to church, they exercised, then the drugs. That was almost 10 years ago. He hasn't changed and I can never hold my breath thinking he ever will. Even if he stops, the way he had treated me is nothing that can ever be forgotten and worked through. I need to work on healing myself and learning about why I did this for so long so that I never put myself in a situation like this again.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by madisonblake 
I must stop trying to think about this all. Like some of you have said, there's no point in being a rational non-addict trying to make sense of pure insanity. Personally, I could never in a million years even think about making up stories like that. I'm a little shocked there are people like that in the world to be honest with you. It's almost sociopathic.
Glad you had a good day!
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Exitville
Posts: 214
you have no idea how many times i said " is this real?" or "was that real?" either to myself or out loud or even to him. at the end that's where i was. completely lost. totally off balance and wondering what the heck was happening. well, simple...drugs, drugs, drugs is happening. stop there. exit. never look back. and never make that huge of an eff up ever again!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
