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I feel horrible and could use encouragement today

Old 05-05-2013, 04:56 AM
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I feel horrible and could use encouragement today

So I did reach out to my ex again for the money he owed me. Of course he ignored my email. I took block off phone and called him. Was not angry. Told him I just wanted him to pay me back for the money he owed me. $800 is alot of money. No response. This comes from the guy who was begging me to talk to him but when it came to paying back money I'm ignored. So it turned into text drama.

He said he would mail me a check Monday. I simply said thanks that's all I was waiting for. (Was it really that hard to send a response a week ago? It's like he was using it as a way to have me have to contact him again)

I told him I hope he chooses the right path for himself and doesn't continue to choose drugs and I wouldn't continue to contact him. It felt like a waste of three years of my life. Response: "I have no regrets. Our relationship was over the second you chose to see another man" (I am being accused of having another boyfriend!!! Have no clue what he's talking about. I wish I did). It went in to " I feel good about my life. Nothing lasts forever. I look forward to changes. I'm not angry or sad about it. Just focused on the future"

It made me feel horrible. Not sure why. It's like hey it wasn't drug addiction lies and treating you like garbage that ended this it was apparently me and my imaginary boyfriend. I'm being blamed for everything at this point. And he just feels so great and focused and happy now.

I should have just not responded but I did and just told him everything he was saying is a lie and he's making it all up. I dont buy that someone called and told him these things about me. That he knows what ended our relationship and it wasnt my imaginary boyfriend. That the only reason he is saying that is because he needed a good story to tell his family and friends to paint me black vs owning up to his relapses.

Of course two minutes later it turns into......I do love you. It would be impossible not to still have those feelings. Last week when I emailed you I was trying to hang on to something. I realized i would make it worse. I'm sorry for letting you down. I feel better because I've been clean for two weeks. It's not something to be that proud of but taking it one day at a time. I say I have no regrets because if I start thinking of the past it will eat me up and I will go right back to using. I've tried to escape myself so many times by doing drugs. I was just driving you crazy at the end so I know I needed to stay away and stop emailing you. I just told myself if you did meet someone else I had it coming. I'm trying not to fall and let my emotions get the best of me. On and on.

At this point I was trying to be nice. He actually had clarity. Just said if someone really did tell him those things it's a lie. I hope he stays on the right path. I know I needed to stay away because things got worse and worse each time we got together. That i did love him and wished him well.

Finally he admits he knows my imaginary boyfriend isn't what ended things but it's easy to stay away from people but its hard not seeing me. He missed me. Sorry he let me down for things that were not real and drugs. I just told him this was starting to upset me and my family was in town. I just wanted it all to stop. I could not sit back an pretend to buy into all this. I was not mean to him. All I said is i was sorry but I can't buy all this BS about some imaginary story he made up about me. I wish I could believe him. I wished him well in life. Told him to not hold on to regret. Hoped for him that he would stay on a good path. I thanked him for sending money he owed me (we will see if it ever comes) and just said its best for us to not be in contact for awhile.

His response became angry."I don't expect you to believe anything I have to say its all garbage. Please don't say good luck or anything to me! ill send Your money ok. Please don't ever contact me again. Nothing good will ever come of it!!!"

I remained calm. Promised him I would not contact him again. I just asked for the money he owed me and that was only reason why I contacted him today. I still wished him well and told him I was putting blocks back up. Thanked him again for mailing my check.

I do not know why I feel like such utter crap right now. I barely slept all night. Have tossed and turned thinking back to all the craziness. It's almost surreal. Like a bad dream. Today's texts may not seem like a big deal to you all but why did it make me feel like this?? It's like he was trying passive aggressively to say sorry but now that you're gone I've been sober for two weeks and I feel great! No regrets here honey bunny. Sorry but just have a great future ahead if me now that you're gone. Leave me alone. You're just bringing me down. Huh?!?! Am I missing something here? I just need some encouragement. Need to just shake this off.

My sister and I hung out today thank god. We talked about this all. She had watched me in this roller coaster for three years. I read all these texts and she just wanted to shake me and say wake up! All she could say was before this guy you were the strongest and most independant woman all of us have ever met. Why have you let him take over this part of who you were. She's right.

Urgh. I need to get some sleep. Am rambling. Just looking for a little insight and encouragement.
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Old 05-05-2013, 05:57 AM
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madisonblake, i read this and thought "oh no" right away. that's honestly what i thought. each of us does what we want to do and i have made so, so many mistakes or poor choices i can not even count them. BUT i am working on not making them now or again so this is progress.
attempting to text the ex about the money is like walking in to a mine field. it's dangerous, you know it, you may be blown up or you may not. but why even walk in to the mine field to begin with? for the thrill of it? oh ok.
you can see yourself how you felt once it was over. same old roller coaster, more than texting about the money, more accusations, more withdrawals, more advice, more this, more that but in the end...YOU felt bad, talked of it to someone else(gave the ex more time and energy again) and your brain had once again gotten on the roller coaster with him. this roller coaster will always be a roller coaster whether through email, texts, calls, in person or something else because it is what they do. but you don't have to do it.
if you can live without the money and i think you said you could somewhere here before...then forget about it and move on. you never have to ask him for the money again. i am not saying he does not owe you the money or what is right or wrong about the money situation--i'm only saying if you want to recover and move on with your life it would be great to forget about it, use it as a lesson and move on from it. never ask him for it again. if he wants you to have it, he will mail it to you or he will leave it at your door or whatever. even if he shows up out of the blue, wants to hand it to you in person...is it a super great idea to get in a one on one conversation again, get on the roller coaster and then risk feeling like crap afterwards again?? only you know. bottom line is no one can tell you what to do...only you can...but the same actions get the same result in the end. the whole cycle is there.
NC means forever. it means letting go and never looking back. it means stopping everything to do with the ex including giving them our thoughts. only focus on ourselves and the present. us getting better and not worse. it isn't easy but life isn't easy. i wish you the best and i have a feeling if you will really, really let your ex go and let the money thing go, too, then you will move on and find peace without roller coasters.
prayers
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Old 05-05-2013, 06:07 AM
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Contacting him makes you feel horrible, continually upset....
If you can take a step back you can see that this a pattern, you continue to contact him, you continue to be upset.
The check is in the mail....or not
How much is your emotional health worth?
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Old 05-05-2013, 06:12 AM
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Thanks peace dove. Every word you said is so true. I just need to hear it today. I was so strong for a few weeks and then fell right into this mine as you call it. I was so busy the last few weeks on vacation and busy at work that I just didnt think about it. I ran from it. The. The first chance I had at home alone Friday night all the thoughts came about how unfair it all was about that damn money and I fell right into it. Walked right in. I let it upset me. I let it get to me.

Honestly I haven't even cried or let myself feel by emotion and read your email and just want to sob and get it all out. I am at my families house. We have out of town family here so I can't let myself break down right now in front of them. I'm just trying to hold it all in until I get home tonight.
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Old 05-05-2013, 06:17 AM
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And yes I read back on the posts from last week And everything you all told me was right. You called exactly what would happen. I can survive without the money but I didn't want to. I let the thoughts of anger and injustice of the situation take over. I kept saying this is not right ! I would never ignore my responsibility to pay someone back if I owed them anything! I gave him all his things back immediately so why is he doing this now ! So so dumb!

And why would I be so upset about the hearing how he feels so great now and is so excited about his great future? Barf! I fell head into the mine. Just dove right in didnt I ? It's like sorry for treating you like such crap for three years but just want to let you know how great of a person I am now and how great my life is. Barf!
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Old 05-05-2013, 06:27 AM
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Letting go is so difficult. We have relapsed, just like they do. Forgive yourself.

Today is a new day. Take care of yourself. What can you do for you today? Maybe share your plans with us.

There is no way that money is worth the loss of a single moment of peace and serenity. Let it go. Breathe. Let it go.
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Old 05-05-2013, 06:27 AM
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You view life and treat people with respect. He has a different mindset, selfish and selfcentered.
Sometimes you need to hear that you are voluntarily buying a train ticket to Crazytown by continuing to interact with him.
Get off the train and trust that karma will come around to bite him sooner or later.
Take care of you and you will feel better much sooner.
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Old 05-05-2013, 06:32 AM
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Right now I'm going to jump in shower. Picking up my daughter and going to spend my Greek Easter with my family. I will remember this is the group of awesome people he can't ever be around because if his poor choices. I am lucky to have these people in my life. I have a great family and good friends. I will do my best to focus in what I have vs what I lost. That's the plan.

I will try to not get down in myself for making up and breaking up with one person 100 times in three years.
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Old 05-05-2013, 06:57 AM
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I think it's important to really check your motives so you can deal with the truth and avoid making the same mistakes over and over.

Did you really contact him about the money or was the just a reason to contact him?
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Old 05-05-2013, 07:09 AM
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No honestly it was about the money. I've gone down this road before with him where weeks go by and then he pops out of nowhere and gives me something back I left there or once paid me back for money I spent on something. I thought he would probably pay me back eventually. In my mind at the time I was trying to just prevent weeks going by and having to deal with it later. I didn't want it hanging over my head or wondering or thinking about it. It may not have been the smartest way to deal with it but that's what was going through my head. Again I've been down this road before with him and know how he operates.

Now that I'm thinking about I just had another light bulb go on. It's been a pattern. We break up, he's on drugs, he waits to get drugs out of system, stays clean for a few weeks or maybe a few months at best, then he pops up out of blue and claims how much better he feels and here's the money or belongings I owe you. It happened after Mother's Day last year. Me like the fool believes great you seem so normal so happy so healthy. Then I jump head in. I guess if I felt more secure about my choices with him I wouldn't have worried about him paying me back weeks or months from now. I was trying to avoid a situation in the future.

Doesn't make alot of sense does it? I'm seriously admitting a weakness. But does it feel better now? No. Not one bit.
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Old 05-05-2013, 07:38 AM
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For me, I finally realized when I continue to engage, especially when I am being manipulated (ie. claiming he heard you have a new man), I am getting "something" out of it.

Sometimes, I just missed the drama and chaos because I had become addicted to it. Finding my motives was very difficult , still is at times.

I am just speaking from my own experience. I am glad you have been able to recognize a pattern. It may not feel good now, but it will help later.

Have a great Greek Easter. I just love Greek food, lol.
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Old 05-05-2013, 07:50 AM
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So I did reach out to my ex again for the money he owed me.
< sound of record scratching >

Madison, what evidence is there that he is capable of dealing with this issue responsibly and maturely? You are dealing with someone who has shown no ability to accept responsibility for any of his choices or his behavior. And yet you continue to believe that if you just reason with him, he'll come around.

No, he won't come around. Because he's an addict.

Calling or texting him is the equivalent of sticking your hand in a rattlesnake cage and being shocked that the snake bites you.

Allow yourself to know what you know to be true.

ZoSo
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Old 05-05-2013, 08:19 AM
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Emotional Time Isn't Linear

What I have discovered is that, for me, emotional time is not linear.

What I mean by that is I will deal with my feelings of hurt, or anger, or abandonment, or grief and get through to some important insight. Then a new incident happens, and I again feel the same intensity of my initial feelings of anger or grief as if I hadn't processed them.

It is as if time looped back and I retouched the initial fierce feelings as intensely as if they were the first time.

But I can then think about it and recapture my insights more readily and maybe gain some more. And over time, I spend less and less time in those painful emotional places, and the times are farther and farther apart.

I think it may be related to PTSD where we are actually re-triggering the initial neurological path to our initial feelings. Anybody know anything about that? I'll have to ask my psychiatrist.

I ran away from my abusive AH last July 4th, and finally signed the divorce papers with him 3 weeks ago. These past 10 months have been a rollercoaster of feelings for me as I've worked through to a pretty good place in recovery. My story is in a post on the "What Is Abuse" sticky at the top of the Friends and Families main page.

The book that helped me the most is The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes, PH.D.

Keep on going no contact. This man isn't worth your grief. Or to put it more hopefully, you are worth so much more than the grief this man brings with him.

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Old 05-05-2013, 08:43 AM
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It is very hard to not reach out even when we know deep down it is doing us no good. As much as I say I am not going to engage my loved it is hard because we have been in that habit for so long. Especially when you still live with that person. Don't beat yourself up. These situations don't happen over night nor will we be able to change our feelings and habits over night. I have to stop myself and say you know that she will not listen to you so don't waste your time and energy. Lastly because they are the addict and we are the outsiders we will never see things the same. I hope you have a good day today. Healing from these types of situations doesn't happen over night but today you are one day closer!!
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Old 05-05-2013, 08:55 AM
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Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 View Post
What I have discovered is that, for me, emotional time is not linear.

What I mean by that is I will deal with my feelings of hurt, or anger, or abandonment, or grief and get through to some important insight. Then a new incident happens, and I again feel the same intensity of my initial feelings of anger or grief as if I hadn't processed them.

It is as if time looped back and I retouched the initial fierce feelings as intensely as if they were the first time.
This makes me think of what they say happens with alcoholics. If they finally stop drinking and go for some time sober and then start again, it is not like starting like a new drinker. They pick up where they left off so it's very intense very fast and continues to progress rapidly.

I have started to think of my emotional relapses in the same way that A's relapse. I just have a different obsession right now - my husband. And I have to not "pick up" my substance by calling him, texting him, driving by his hotel, etc. or let myself get sucked into anything he's doing.

Trying to break the pattern of thinking about him is my may focus right now. Or rather, as my sponsor and I talked about, letting him go...because telling myself to not think about him is like telling myself don't think of a pink elephant. Too late -- I already am!

I have to be vigilant working my al anon program in the same way they have to be with their aa program of they are really committed to recovery. How committed am I to my recovery!? I can't keep letting myself lapse into emotional meltdowns as a result of indulging in my obsession.

Will be meditating on steps 1, 2, and 3 today... xo

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
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Old 05-05-2013, 09:49 AM
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Whats that expression: INSANITY = doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

So moving forward when you do not receive the check next week, what would be the point in contacting him again? Think about your next move and how you will handle your disappointment and anger once again.

You hearing words from an active addict that they are making you some kind of a promise do something they say they are going to do. Hes also managed to somehow make you feel that hes not clean because you are no longer with him.

Yes money is important, yes we expect people we loan money to or who own us money because of their behavior to be stand up people and repay us..but we are not talking about stand up people we are talking about active addicts.

HOOKS = He has his hooks into you with his words, you have your hook into him with this money. See how his words have engaged you and stirred your feelings. Your avenue to him is this money. Yes money is important and if you are truly that strapped, borrow from your sister or family other wise let it go when and if you do not receive a check from him. Cause the next scene in all this will be a check bouncing or not in the amount you are expecting. More drama to keep you hooked and call him where he keeps you hooked with his words. It wont end until you end it once and for all.

A nice rosey colored vision is that he does what he says with no further repercussion but the reality with addicts is that is hardly ever goes that way.
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Old 05-05-2013, 10:17 AM
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The lies they tell us are not nearly as harmful as the lies we tell ourselves.
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Old 05-05-2013, 10:48 AM
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madisonblake...

i understand completely what you are going through. i could have written your post as i have had the same or similar discussions with my ex many times. i have also thought i had legitimate and even important reasons to contact him when i knew deep down it was not headed to a good place. i would not get what i "wanted" out of the conversation, he would be given more opportunity to say things that hurt me and made me doubt myself, and i would leave the experience feeling even worse than before i made contact.

i think you commented on one of my other posts that my ex said things word for word that yours said. well, in this post, i see the very same thing. it's a script, has to be. i don't know where they get it, i don't know why they all seem to say the same things, but it's all crap. i've also had the imaginary boyfriends...so i understand that too. smokescreens, flipping the blame, making us feel we're nuts...

hang in there. do whatever you can to stay away from contacting him. listen to your sister:

"My sister and I hung out today thank god. We talked about this all. She had watched me in this roller coaster for three years. I read all these texts and she just wanted to shake me and say wake up! All she could say was before this guy you were the strongest and most independant woman all of us have ever met. Why have you let him take over this part of who you were. She's right. "

i feel i am talking to you like i should be talking to myself. i don't feel "qualified" to give advice or whatever. but i can understand and relate to what you're going through and it sucks and it's hard and it is totally our way of relapsing.

i have been trying to work from a walk to a run when i take my dog out. i hurt my foot recently and i don't know how--sprained or tore something... anyway, if i go right back to the woods and start running again on this foot, i make it worse. i don't give it any chance to heal. i think, oh, it's healed enough, it will be ok, i can handle it. but then i get home from that run and it hurts more because i didn't stay off it, i didn't care for it, i didn't give it enough time to heal, which it definitely WILL if i let it, but definitely won't if i keep doing what i know hurts it. i think you see my point?

hang in there, madisonblake...and know that you are worth so much more than what this man has to offer you.
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Old 05-05-2013, 10:51 AM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
The lies they tell us are not nearly as harmful as the lies we tell ourselves.
So true! I wanted to blame my husband and his addiction for everything wrong in my life. I learned that addicts do this, and addicts do that but it wasn't until I took accountability for me and my behaviors that I began to change. I still have a long way to go but the question I keep coming back to over and over is.........

If THEY are that bad, why do we keep engaging, why do we stay, why do we take them back, and why do wait for them to change? The problem was really within me.

I did this and I did that.......finding the why's is the tough but the most important part of the problem.

Madison, I am speaking for me....not questioning you or your motives!
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Old 05-05-2013, 10:54 AM
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Thanks everyone. You've all given me good things to reflect on as far as my behavior. I'm with my family now enjoying myself. I need to meditate on this stuff later especially the "what will you do when check does not come or not in full amount" which is exactly what I'm expecting. I will think and write more to your posts tonight. Thank you again.
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