I love H..... so shoot me down in flames!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Lara ~. I look forward to your update and ES&H. Please know, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. This is YOUR life and you get to live it any way you want. Life and recovery is simply a journey and being right with God is truly all that matters.
Hope to see you soon.
Hope to see you soon.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Dublin
Posts: 15
I have read your threads. What I get is:
Has he truly changed for you? No. Is he willing to truly change? No. Does he lie? Yes. Does he manipulate? Yes. Does he regret his actions? No. Is he faithful to you? No. Will he emotionally destroy you? Yes. Is he a good role model for your son? No. Does he hurt innocent people? Yes.
To me he has more dark minus's than plus's. What advice would you give a friend involved in a relationship with this type of person?
Has he truly changed for you? No. Is he willing to truly change? No. Does he lie? Yes. Does he manipulate? Yes. Does he regret his actions? No. Is he faithful to you? No. Will he emotionally destroy you? Yes. Is he a good role model for your son? No. Does he hurt innocent people? Yes.
To me he has more dark minus's than plus's. What advice would you give a friend involved in a relationship with this type of person?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
I hear you... all the things you say are true when someone's in active addiction. And I am not saying for a moment he wont' prove me wrong. But God knows I pray for his recovery. For all the 10 years and more I knew him BEFORE he became addicted to cocaine he was the following:
A true friend; There for me and my family through horrific circumstances; did everything for me and for my family; was ALWAYS there for me; was kind; honest; faithful;loving; was MY friend; put all his siblings through university; rescued his mother and siblings from unspeakable abuse;
And then he fell. And he fell hard. Cocaine caught him. And he has been fighting this battle since late 2007. Through these past years he has:
Lied; manipulated; cried; crashed his car; killed a man as a result of a car crash; let us all down; put himself first; did all the things addicts do;
And now he is desperately trying to clean his life up. for now I don't believe he is lying; manipulating me; he's not a drunk; he is deeply remorseful of what he did months ago; he has done everthing possible to assist the family of the dead man (of course he can't bring him back to life);
I believe he is truly trying and is changing for me - for his family - for himself; He is faithful; he does not hurt innocent people;
But this is a debate I can't 'win' - as I know this could all change - he could prove us all here right - he could relapse.
But why can't it be possible that he will WIN - that he is the person he always was. That drugs won't win his heart. That Christ will win this war over the devil. That drugs lose this time???
Also the huge difference is - that I am not holding my breath - and I am not relying on him - I have got on with my own life. But not for a moment do I not wish him well and healed. Fot then I would be lying to everyone here on SR; to God and to me.
A true friend; There for me and my family through horrific circumstances; did everything for me and for my family; was ALWAYS there for me; was kind; honest; faithful;loving; was MY friend; put all his siblings through university; rescued his mother and siblings from unspeakable abuse;
And then he fell. And he fell hard. Cocaine caught him. And he has been fighting this battle since late 2007. Through these past years he has:
Lied; manipulated; cried; crashed his car; killed a man as a result of a car crash; let us all down; put himself first; did all the things addicts do;
And now he is desperately trying to clean his life up. for now I don't believe he is lying; manipulating me; he's not a drunk; he is deeply remorseful of what he did months ago; he has done everthing possible to assist the family of the dead man (of course he can't bring him back to life);
I believe he is truly trying and is changing for me - for his family - for himself; He is faithful; he does not hurt innocent people;
But this is a debate I can't 'win' - as I know this could all change - he could prove us all here right - he could relapse.
But why can't it be possible that he will WIN - that he is the person he always was. That drugs won't win his heart. That Christ will win this war over the devil. That drugs lose this time???
Also the huge difference is - that I am not holding my breath - and I am not relying on him - I have got on with my own life. But not for a moment do I not wish him well and healed. Fot then I would be lying to everyone here on SR; to God and to me.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
But why can't it be possible that he will WIN - that he is the person he always was.
1) How probable is it?
2) How long are you willing to suffer waiting for something that may not happen?
Now, if you choose to hang in there, no matter what, you better be honest with yourself about what sort of price you're going to pay for that. Because that price will be ginormous.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I believe he is truly trying and is changing for me
that's a very dangerous trap that we set OURSELVES, Lara. to believe that he is out there battling dragons for his fair maiden.
he'll either straighten up or not.
if he does and he does it "FOR YOU" do you own it? and can you then also OWN it if he relapses?
the nitty gritty is, he was a nice guy who got tangled up in drugs and let them take over his life, his ethics, his morals. take all the romancey stuff out of it and what do you have....an addict who may or may not get clean and stay clean. and has a lot of wreckage of his past, sorry for the pun, to clean up. and yet in the midst of all of that his solution is to whisk you away to India....sure, let's just run away, that will fix it. sorry, not trying to be a debby downer, just getting us off the Hallmark Channel abit...
that's a very dangerous trap that we set OURSELVES, Lara. to believe that he is out there battling dragons for his fair maiden.
he'll either straighten up or not.
if he does and he does it "FOR YOU" do you own it? and can you then also OWN it if he relapses?
the nitty gritty is, he was a nice guy who got tangled up in drugs and let them take over his life, his ethics, his morals. take all the romancey stuff out of it and what do you have....an addict who may or may not get clean and stay clean. and has a lot of wreckage of his past, sorry for the pun, to clean up. and yet in the midst of all of that his solution is to whisk you away to India....sure, let's just run away, that will fix it. sorry, not trying to be a debby downer, just getting us off the Hallmark Channel abit...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Originally Posted by Lara 
What is different this time - you all ask??? Well NOTHING really??? I have NO evidence that he is in recovery. NONE! Yet I allow him to toss these lines of 'love' to me... I swallow them. I absorb them. What the hell is wrong with me?? Am I THIS weak????
And YES, you are all right.... India sounds so exoctic - are these all manipulative lies???? Vale - I hear you. I (without blowing my own top) do consider myself an intelligent, successful woman with my own business blah blah blah...... there are many wonderful men in my life. I wouldn't accept the same behaviour from anyone else - yet I accept it from 'H' (not my husband by the way). I feel I have taken 100 steps back in my recovery.
Thank you everyone here for listening to me - and thank you for your patience - again, I say - I KNOW I need to go NO CONTACT..... so I begin again - one day at a time....
And YES, you are all right.... India sounds so exoctic - are these all manipulative lies???? Vale - I hear you. I (without blowing my own top) do consider myself an intelligent, successful woman with my own business blah blah blah...... there are many wonderful men in my life. I wouldn't accept the same behaviour from anyone else - yet I accept it from 'H' (not my husband by the way). I feel I have taken 100 steps back in my recovery.
Thank you everyone here for listening to me - and thank you for your patience - again, I say - I KNOW I need to go NO CONTACT..... so I begin again - one day at a time....
Forecast is stormy and turbulent. Seek higher ground...consider evacuation...or stay at the risk of losing your serenity and possibly much more too.
You came back to SR after all this time for a reason. You know you need help. Cling to the bits of sanity you hear and feel.
My sponsor reminds me: if it feels crazy, it is!
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
It is possible to do what is necessary to protect yourself emotionally and otherwise and still interact with him.
For me, from my arm chair, that protection would not include international travel with an addict new to recovery. It would not include any romantic expectations or interaction, either.
If you have your own stuff in order and are being healthy, it will only help him.
Addiction aside, he sounds like one of those thrilling characters I fell for once. Being around him was exhilarating and like a drug in and of itself. The thing that ultimately stopped me from the addiction was his untimely death, in a DUI.
For me, from my arm chair, that protection would not include international travel with an addict new to recovery. It would not include any romantic expectations or interaction, either.
If you have your own stuff in order and are being healthy, it will only help him.
Addiction aside, he sounds like one of those thrilling characters I fell for once. Being around him was exhilarating and like a drug in and of itself. The thing that ultimately stopped me from the addiction was his untimely death, in a DUI.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Lara, I really feel for you.
Maybe it would be helpful for you to go back and read your own posts from beginning to end.
It is so easy to forget from where we came when things seem better, different, we want to believe that the horrible stuff is behind us, but most often it's not. This guy needs some real , honest, true recovery time.
I'll tell you what scares me most, you and your little one traveling over to India, with a man who most certainly is at risk of relapsing. This doesn't seem like a good move, to me anyway.
I forgot so many times that the likelyhood of me ending up in the same conversation, with the same alocholic, on a different day, after the promise of change, for the umteenth time. Cause the truth is, I was not being honest about who my x was, and there are still days when I romanticize that it could be so good, after so much time away, but that part of me, that romanticizes is as lethal a liar, denier,and a very sick person just like my xabf is.
It's a dangerous mix, in order for me to be sane, it has to be the way it is.
You are in my thoughts and my prayers, Take good care of yourself and your little one, we are here, and we care!
love to you Katie
Maybe it would be helpful for you to go back and read your own posts from beginning to end.
It is so easy to forget from where we came when things seem better, different, we want to believe that the horrible stuff is behind us, but most often it's not. This guy needs some real , honest, true recovery time.
I'll tell you what scares me most, you and your little one traveling over to India, with a man who most certainly is at risk of relapsing. This doesn't seem like a good move, to me anyway.
I forgot so many times that the likelyhood of me ending up in the same conversation, with the same alocholic, on a different day, after the promise of change, for the umteenth time. Cause the truth is, I was not being honest about who my x was, and there are still days when I romanticize that it could be so good, after so much time away, but that part of me, that romanticizes is as lethal a liar, denier,and a very sick person just like my xabf is.
It's a dangerous mix, in order for me to be sane, it has to be the way it is.
You are in my thoughts and my prayers, Take good care of yourself and your little one, we are here, and we care!
love to you Katie
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
One thing Ive learned, you do not have to justify yourself or your actions to anyone here. You have your own voice, you have your own choice, and at the end of the day no one here walks into your front door and experiences your life. We get as many chances with the ones we love as we want to take Lara. Your H is not a bad guy, he became addicted. He made horrible mistakes. Probably each horrible mistake led him deeper and deeper into addiction. If he is now trying to break free, and find his way back to a good life drug free, then its amazing.
I don’t think for a minute your being swayed by trips to India. No, this is about the man who got lost in the addiction, and the hope that he will return. God said the three of the greatest gift he gave us were faith, hope, love. Hold all those in your heart for your H just as you are doing, and give to him whatever part of yourself you can SAFELY offer while he continues to recover. We cant live in the past, we can only learn from it and move forward. We cant heal ourselves if we are stuck in the past, or forgive others if we hold the past against them. See things as they are today, and look at what kind of foundation he is putting down for the future. (That is what my BF is doing right now, working on a solid foundation for his future).
I get your comments about your H doing it for him, and you. My boyfriend made the choice to stop using all on his own, but you know what he has a lot of other considerations that brought him to this choice. His career, his family, our relationship, his desire to have a family someday. He is a lot bigger than his addiction, he is a person with hopes and dreams, and he knew and still knows he wont ever have the life he wants if he is addicted to drugs. My boyfriend God Bless him, he has been in a phase of sending me poems. This one maybe you can relate to with your H (all non-Hallmark fans, stop reading now)
Like a star you shine brightly above me. A light in the dark. A glimmer of hope in uncertainty. I gaze up at you from afar unable to reach you from down here. My eyes are captivated by you, just like my heart. Every time my eyes find you in their vision this feeling will come upon me. So true and so raw it would steal my breath. Time and time again the feeling came and time and time again I buried it. I was without courage. I never believed that I could ever reach you. For you were so beautiful and I could never measure up to you. So as time slipped into years I kept this feeling to myself. I buried it deeper and deeper inside my being. You continued to grow brighter and even more beautiful. I was also growing. I was transforming into my true self. My beautifully flawed self. My light began to shine so brightly, and I found myself right next to you, in the night sky. I was bright, warm, and lovely just like you. You see it wasn’t that you were unreachable to me. It was that I never let myself see that I was also a star. I had my own light, my own beauty, my own meaning. Now I don’t have to look at you from a distance. You are beside me, and together we shine brighter than we ever could apart.
Like I said, God Bless him. My boyfriend has about 4 months clean now from cocaine, and he is working on himself continuously.
Stay grounded in your life and don’t take a moment of it for granted. Maintain your independent self, stay strong! and then whatever happens with H, you will be ok. You are not walking blindly here, and you know all the risks I think. Be cautious that is all. People recover, people relapse, there are people here who post that are in recovery themselves, some of those people live or are married to others in recovery, also non addicts here who live with recovering addicts. There is no shame in any of it.
I don’t think for a minute your being swayed by trips to India. No, this is about the man who got lost in the addiction, and the hope that he will return. God said the three of the greatest gift he gave us were faith, hope, love. Hold all those in your heart for your H just as you are doing, and give to him whatever part of yourself you can SAFELY offer while he continues to recover. We cant live in the past, we can only learn from it and move forward. We cant heal ourselves if we are stuck in the past, or forgive others if we hold the past against them. See things as they are today, and look at what kind of foundation he is putting down for the future. (That is what my BF is doing right now, working on a solid foundation for his future).
I get your comments about your H doing it for him, and you. My boyfriend made the choice to stop using all on his own, but you know what he has a lot of other considerations that brought him to this choice. His career, his family, our relationship, his desire to have a family someday. He is a lot bigger than his addiction, he is a person with hopes and dreams, and he knew and still knows he wont ever have the life he wants if he is addicted to drugs. My boyfriend God Bless him, he has been in a phase of sending me poems. This one maybe you can relate to with your H (all non-Hallmark fans, stop reading now)
Like a star you shine brightly above me. A light in the dark. A glimmer of hope in uncertainty. I gaze up at you from afar unable to reach you from down here. My eyes are captivated by you, just like my heart. Every time my eyes find you in their vision this feeling will come upon me. So true and so raw it would steal my breath. Time and time again the feeling came and time and time again I buried it. I was without courage. I never believed that I could ever reach you. For you were so beautiful and I could never measure up to you. So as time slipped into years I kept this feeling to myself. I buried it deeper and deeper inside my being. You continued to grow brighter and even more beautiful. I was also growing. I was transforming into my true self. My beautifully flawed self. My light began to shine so brightly, and I found myself right next to you, in the night sky. I was bright, warm, and lovely just like you. You see it wasn’t that you were unreachable to me. It was that I never let myself see that I was also a star. I had my own light, my own beauty, my own meaning. Now I don’t have to look at you from a distance. You are beside me, and together we shine brighter than we ever could apart.
Like I said, God Bless him. My boyfriend has about 4 months clean now from cocaine, and he is working on himself continuously.
Stay grounded in your life and don’t take a moment of it for granted. Maintain your independent self, stay strong! and then whatever happens with H, you will be ok. You are not walking blindly here, and you know all the risks I think. Be cautious that is all. People recover, people relapse, there are people here who post that are in recovery themselves, some of those people live or are married to others in recovery, also non addicts here who live with recovering addicts. There is no shame in any of it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
Lara, I will be praying for you and him I pray that God will show you where you need to be in Gods view right now and that God will give you the wisdom to see where ever that may be.
Never be ashamed or embarrassed here we all are walking together and not a single person here IMO, can be perfect life doesn't work that way. God knows I make plenty of mistakes in my recovery more lessons to learn maybe... I want you to know that I care.I think of you often and always pray for you and your son and your H.
Never be ashamed or embarrassed here we all are walking together and not a single person here IMO, can be perfect life doesn't work that way. God knows I make plenty of mistakes in my recovery more lessons to learn maybe... I want you to know that I care.I think of you often and always pray for you and your son and your H.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Shame was the engine that drove the addict I cared
about deeper and deeper into her own personal hell.
The moment that you ever feel shame coming to SR is
the day SR has failed it's mission miserably.
There is a concept of primacy---- or, first things first.
Your choices belong to you.No one here has the gravitas
or the authority or the license to hurt another sovereign
human being for exercising their choices in a free society.
With that out of the way-----I hope the day comes
when Lara looks into a mirror and decides that the person
staring back is as deserving of love and true respect as
any human being----and this resultant self knowledge
neccessarily precludes her allowing any further mistreatment
of that person in the reflection.
about deeper and deeper into her own personal hell.
The moment that you ever feel shame coming to SR is
the day SR has failed it's mission miserably.
There is a concept of primacy---- or, first things first.
Your choices belong to you.No one here has the gravitas
or the authority or the license to hurt another sovereign
human being for exercising their choices in a free society.
With that out of the way-----I hope the day comes
when Lara looks into a mirror and decides that the person
staring back is as deserving of love and true respect as
any human being----and this resultant self knowledge
neccessarily precludes her allowing any further mistreatment
of that person in the reflection.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Dublin
Posts: 15
I have read many posts here that are similar to yours and forgive me if I come across a bit harsh. I seem to remember that you said H had been using hash for over 15 years. So was any of him real or was he on a constant high?
He is now on harder substances and the lies and manipulations are harder and will get worse and more incredible. Are you the only woman he has been with throughout your relationship? Has been 100% committed to you, has he promised the same things to other woman. where is his true loyalty? To me it seems that his affections are for him and him alone and his DOC and all the sordid stuff that goes with it.
You mentioned you grew up in a traumatic environment with an alcoholic father! Why do you want to repeat this cycle for your son and yourself with a drug addict husband/father? If he really cared about you and his son he woud have made the change by now - he has not. Break the cycle for you and your little boy and go and live a happy normal life.
The fundamental distinction between the godly and ungodly men consists in the object to which their affections are directed.
He is now on harder substances and the lies and manipulations are harder and will get worse and more incredible. Are you the only woman he has been with throughout your relationship? Has been 100% committed to you, has he promised the same things to other woman. where is his true loyalty? To me it seems that his affections are for him and him alone and his DOC and all the sordid stuff that goes with it.
You mentioned you grew up in a traumatic environment with an alcoholic father! Why do you want to repeat this cycle for your son and yourself with a drug addict husband/father? If he really cared about you and his son he woud have made the change by now - he has not. Break the cycle for you and your little boy and go and live a happy normal life.
The fundamental distinction between the godly and ungodly men consists in the object to which their affections are directed.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
I think the only person capable of shooting you down with flames is you. Going back to H would be doing so. This man is a horrible example to your son and your self-esteem. You wouldnt just be shooting yourself down in flames but your son too. As a mother, you have the responsibility to set a positive example to your kid. To teach him to surround himself with good, kind, positive, uplifting human beings.
Life IS short. Why repeat the painful mistakes over and over?
Lara, you sound like a successful business woman. Seek therapy. Heal yourself. You do not deserve the type of instability and pain that you've gone through. You deserve to be happy and be treated with kindness and respect.
Life IS short. Why repeat the painful mistakes over and over?
Lara, you sound like a successful business woman. Seek therapy. Heal yourself. You do not deserve the type of instability and pain that you've gone through. You deserve to be happy and be treated with kindness and respect.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
I agree with the others on India. India is a big NO. If he has any kind of drugs on him or gets into trouble... India law enforcement can imprison both of you there for a long time. United States wont be able to help. Ever watched the movie Brokedown Palace with Claire Danes?
Plot: Lifelong best friends Alice Marano (Claire Danes) and Darlene Davis (Kate Beckinsale) take a trip to Thailand after graduating high school. In Thailand they meet a captivating Australian man, who calls himself Nick Parks (Daniel Lapaine). Darlene is particularly smitten with Nick and convinces Alice to take Nick up on his offer to treat the two of them to what amounts to a day trip to Hong Kong. In the airport, the girls are seized by the police and shocked to discover that one of their bags contains heroin. The two girls are interrogated by the Thai police and Darlene is tricked into signing a confession. At their trial they beg for mercy and are given a thirty-three year sentence instead of the usual life in prison.
Such a huge risk to take for someone who has lied to you so many times.
Plot: Lifelong best friends Alice Marano (Claire Danes) and Darlene Davis (Kate Beckinsale) take a trip to Thailand after graduating high school. In Thailand they meet a captivating Australian man, who calls himself Nick Parks (Daniel Lapaine). Darlene is particularly smitten with Nick and convinces Alice to take Nick up on his offer to treat the two of them to what amounts to a day trip to Hong Kong. In the airport, the girls are seized by the police and shocked to discover that one of their bags contains heroin. The two girls are interrogated by the Thai police and Darlene is tricked into signing a confession. At their trial they beg for mercy and are given a thirty-three year sentence instead of the usual life in prison.
Such a huge risk to take for someone who has lied to you so many times.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 43
You cannot fix him and your cannot control his life. Go on with your life. Give your love over to Christ so that God can work on him.
If you truely believe in God then you will know that nothing is impossible for Him who is able. But you will need to subject to God's will. If it's God's will to heal him, HE will work on your H. It's betwee GOD and your H. It has nothing to do with you.
I'm going through similiar process. I know you want to be with him again, you want... , but you have to first surrender your want to God. then God will work on him to have him surrender with addiction to Him as well.
Really nothing we can do except for living in the Spirit and praying in private. God bless you
If you truely believe in God then you will know that nothing is impossible for Him who is able. But you will need to subject to God's will. If it's God's will to heal him, HE will work on your H. It's betwee GOD and your H. It has nothing to do with you.
I'm going through similiar process. I know you want to be with him again, you want... , but you have to first surrender your want to God. then God will work on him to have him surrender with addiction to Him as well.
Really nothing we can do except for living in the Spirit and praying in private. God bless you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
SR friends (Vale, Zoso, Angie, Oooops and everyone else) - I am reading your
replies.... I appreciate your words of advice / input more than you can imagine.... I am not about to rush off anywhere with H. I wish I had not even mentioned the India thing... where we live - India is not such a big deal - not as exoctic as it sounds.... I have so much to comment on... so many thoughts I want to share about my personal journey, coupled with all your advice.... but it is late now - I will write again in the morning... but just a few things I am 150% sure about (and have been for quite a few months):
1.My son comes first. I will always protect him. When I disclose here on SR my very private thoughts about my relationship with H - it is because they are still thoughts - and I need to process them with a little help from all of you. I need to understand them - and understand where I am at. But I am not necessarily going to put them into action. I would NEVER expose my son to addiction in ANY form. Never have - NEVER will!!!!!!!!
2. I absolutely know that I am NOT responsible for H. And that in NO WAY can I influence his recovery. And I have NO intention of doing that.
3. I am actually in a strong place. I have been happier than I have been in many many months
4. I don't dwell on H. I don't rely on him for my happiness.
5. I don't rely on H's recovery for my future. I make NO plans around it.
6. I love H. I do pray for his recovery. I completely understand that his recovery is HIS journey - not mine. And it is his business alone. But when he speaks to me about it - I share what is necessary.
7. I am just stuck on this whole 'thing' of where do you draw the line between somebody in your life who you love - who loves you. Who is trying to recover. If they are in a positive place. At what stage (whatever the nature of the relationship) do you give them 'another chance'. Or at what stage do you walk away forever? And that is what I am so sure of (which is unnerving) is that I don't know what to do.
Is it such a given that when a person is in active addiction - and they behave in the most appalling ways (but contrary to any behaviour BEFORE the addiction) - that if they recover - that they don't fully heal???
And that includes putting an end to the lies and manipulation that accompanies active addiction???
If I decide to walk away forever - the tragic reality of this - is that the only way I will ever really 'move on' and allow 'H' to move on too - is completely cut contact. But the very thought of this is devastating - for I feel half my life is interwoven with his... for all the reasons.... It would mean cutting business to the island where he lives - literally. It has so many consquences...
But the one guarantee is that I will not have to take the 'risk' of H relapsing again - and it all going down the drain. I would not have wasted another minute of my life.
For now, well for this moment anyway, the best I can do (and I know I seem to be going around in circles) - is withdraw a little. Not get too emotionally involved. Keep my ground. Keep strong. And see through his actions. Not make any decisions, plans or anything for at least a year. Just keep cool.
As my darling brother would say "Keep cool hunny bunny, keep cool".
replies.... I appreciate your words of advice / input more than you can imagine.... I am not about to rush off anywhere with H. I wish I had not even mentioned the India thing... where we live - India is not such a big deal - not as exoctic as it sounds.... I have so much to comment on... so many thoughts I want to share about my personal journey, coupled with all your advice.... but it is late now - I will write again in the morning... but just a few things I am 150% sure about (and have been for quite a few months):
1.My son comes first. I will always protect him. When I disclose here on SR my very private thoughts about my relationship with H - it is because they are still thoughts - and I need to process them with a little help from all of you. I need to understand them - and understand where I am at. But I am not necessarily going to put them into action. I would NEVER expose my son to addiction in ANY form. Never have - NEVER will!!!!!!!!
2. I absolutely know that I am NOT responsible for H. And that in NO WAY can I influence his recovery. And I have NO intention of doing that.
3. I am actually in a strong place. I have been happier than I have been in many many months
4. I don't dwell on H. I don't rely on him for my happiness.
5. I don't rely on H's recovery for my future. I make NO plans around it.
6. I love H. I do pray for his recovery. I completely understand that his recovery is HIS journey - not mine. And it is his business alone. But when he speaks to me about it - I share what is necessary.
7. I am just stuck on this whole 'thing' of where do you draw the line between somebody in your life who you love - who loves you. Who is trying to recover. If they are in a positive place. At what stage (whatever the nature of the relationship) do you give them 'another chance'. Or at what stage do you walk away forever? And that is what I am so sure of (which is unnerving) is that I don't know what to do.
Is it such a given that when a person is in active addiction - and they behave in the most appalling ways (but contrary to any behaviour BEFORE the addiction) - that if they recover - that they don't fully heal???
And that includes putting an end to the lies and manipulation that accompanies active addiction???
If I decide to walk away forever - the tragic reality of this - is that the only way I will ever really 'move on' and allow 'H' to move on too - is completely cut contact. But the very thought of this is devastating - for I feel half my life is interwoven with his... for all the reasons.... It would mean cutting business to the island where he lives - literally. It has so many consquences...
But the one guarantee is that I will not have to take the 'risk' of H relapsing again - and it all going down the drain. I would not have wasted another minute of my life.
For now, well for this moment anyway, the best I can do (and I know I seem to be going around in circles) - is withdraw a little. Not get too emotionally involved. Keep my ground. Keep strong. And see through his actions. Not make any decisions, plans or anything for at least a year. Just keep cool.
As my darling brother would say "Keep cool hunny bunny, keep cool".
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Is it such a given that when a person is in active addiction - and they behave in the most appalling ways (but contrary to any behaviour BEFORE the addiction) - that if they recover - that they don't fully heal???
I am not the same person I was prior to codie recovery, either.
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Originally Posted by Lara
Is it such a given that when a person is in active addiction - and they behave in the most appalling ways (but contrary to any behaviour BEFORE the addiction) - that if they recover - that they don't fully heal???
And that includes putting an end to the lies and manipulation that accompanies active addiction???
As my darling brother would say "Keep cool hunny bunny, keep cool".
And that includes putting an end to the lies and manipulation that accompanies active addiction???
As my darling brother would say "Keep cool hunny bunny, keep cool".
I think when you talk about "healing" it encompasses a lot. There are issues that might have went on before the drugs started, there is how the mind and body changed during drug use, their are the things that happened during active addiction that have to be dealt with, there is learning to live without drugs, cope with life without drugs, change bad habits. Some people became involved in drugs younger for example; maybe they had not built up a "life" so to speak. Being responsible, working towards educational or career goals. If none of that ever happened, then people have to now start from scratch.
With my husband he got started on pain meds after several surgeries, he had already had a solid career, a home, responsibility. But the drugs made him lie, make excuses, look at the world differently, he did horrible things while on drugs. He has had to accept these things and try to forgive himself and move forward. Once the drugs stopped, and he was not hiding a secret life, afraid to expose who he really was - then the lying stopped, the manipulation to protect the drug use stopped because he didnt need those things anymore. Some habits are harder to break the longer they go on, and the more engrained they get in overall behavior.
I think if your friend recovers from drugs, his behavior will change. He will be able to accept himself, and he wont need to hide, lie, cover anymore. But he still may have remnants of things he has learned that he might still come through in business for example. Things he doesnt feel the need to change. None of us are perfect IMO. A lot of it has to do with just how we relate to others, and either we accept them or not for who they are.
I also think its all a work in process.. we are all a work in process drugs or not. Things happen, we have to learn to accept them, we learn about ourselves, we hopefully grow, face challenges, make improvements in ourselves.
Your guy is interesting in that while he has shown selfish, irresponsible behavior; it also sounds like he has been continuously responsible in other areas of his life like with his work, he has taken responsibility for the accident for example, he has tried to make restitution in what way he can. In that sense, he doesnt seem shut off, or self centered because he is showing compassion, and regret. Im not saying he has found recovery; but seems like something is stirring in him.
You dont have to have all the answers today. Your priorities are straight. I understand he has been in your life and your familys for years, you do business together; its a lot more than just a quick romance, it seems like there was a friendship there before it all. I like the advice of your brother the best: "Keep cool hunny bunny, keep cool".
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