I love H..... so shoot me down in flames!
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Thank you for these words LovemeNow.... I thought twice about posting this thread as deep in my heart, that place which allows us to potentially make huge mistakes and toss away our sanity - I knew the advice I would receive - and I suppose I just needed to hear it all again.....
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So, what hard evidence do you have that he's been clean "a few months"? Other than, of course, his word?
Lara...sweetheart...living in fear is not living. We all have to face what is to come, whether we want to or not. Sometimes we have to accept things we don't like. And sometimes, we have to endure pain that's beyond measure. And that's life...sometimes.
Please. Use your head. Not your heart. For you, and your son.
ZoSo
Lara...sweetheart...living in fear is not living. We all have to face what is to come, whether we want to or not. Sometimes we have to accept things we don't like. And sometimes, we have to endure pain that's beyond measure. And that's life...sometimes.
Please. Use your head. Not your heart. For you, and your son.
ZoSo
Zoso I sometimes feel like such a fool - for over a year you have all been supporting me - and giving me the same advice over and over again - and in 99% of the cases you have all been right - and have rescued me from self destruction.... I can't believe that I am still going around and around in circles.... I am reading here - and listening!!!!!!!!!!
I will always put my son first....
Thank you
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Hey Vale, Zoso, LovemeNow, Madison and everyone else here... I really appreciate your comments. Vale I know! I am the Captain of this ship. And it's not just 'my' ship. I am carrying precious cargo. A beautiful 5 year old little boy. God knows how angry I am still at with my mum - for not removing us from our alcoholic beginnings - my dad was a raging alcoholic. But we pretended all was okay and used the biggest whamming lie on earth to defend Dad - 'it's okay - Dad is a raging drunk, but at least he is not abusive'. Well that was the biggest lie thrust down our young, innocent throats, as with education, and years later - I realised we lived in an extremely emotionally abusive home... and it has taken years of therapy - to work through the 'stuff'.
Now at 39 years old - after having been a member of SR for almost a year - I can't believe that I am suddenly in this dark place again...
I can't believe I am even entertaining the idea of giving 'H' a chance. I KNOW the stats are against us. I KNOW the manipulative lies. I have HEARD them all before.... What is different this time - you all ask??? Well NOTHING really??? I have NO evidence that he is in recovery. NONE! Yet I allow him to toss these lines of 'love' to me... I swallow them. I absorb them. What the hell is wrong with me?? Am I THIS weak????
And YES, you are all right.... India sounds so exoctic - are these all manipulative lies???? Vale - I hear you. I (without blowing my own top) do consider myself an intelligent, successful woman with my own business blah blah blah...... there are many wonderful men in my life. I wouldn't accept the same behaviour from anyone else - yet I accept it from 'H' (not my husband by the way). I feel I have taken 100 steps back in my recovery.
Thank you everyone here for listening to me - and thank you for your patience - again, I say - I KNOW I need to go NO CONTACT..... so I begin again - one day at a time....
Now at 39 years old - after having been a member of SR for almost a year - I can't believe that I am suddenly in this dark place again...
I can't believe I am even entertaining the idea of giving 'H' a chance. I KNOW the stats are against us. I KNOW the manipulative lies. I have HEARD them all before.... What is different this time - you all ask??? Well NOTHING really??? I have NO evidence that he is in recovery. NONE! Yet I allow him to toss these lines of 'love' to me... I swallow them. I absorb them. What the hell is wrong with me?? Am I THIS weak????
And YES, you are all right.... India sounds so exoctic - are these all manipulative lies???? Vale - I hear you. I (without blowing my own top) do consider myself an intelligent, successful woman with my own business blah blah blah...... there are many wonderful men in my life. I wouldn't accept the same behaviour from anyone else - yet I accept it from 'H' (not my husband by the way). I feel I have taken 100 steps back in my recovery.
Thank you everyone here for listening to me - and thank you for your patience - again, I say - I KNOW I need to go NO CONTACT..... so I begin again - one day at a time....
Lara,
I second what LMN says.No matter WHAT unfolds---your SR friends will be there for
you.
===========================quote================== =======
toss these lines of 'love' to me... I swallow them. I absorb them.
What the hell is wrong with me?? Am I THIS weak????
================================================== ======
The addict I cared about was not my gal,my wife,or even (really) my friend.
I tell you who I AM in AWE of.......people like YOU fighting this in their PRIMARY
relationships.I would LOVE to spout off a line of BS inferring my superiority and the
fact that I would NEVER allow myself to be treated that way.
But that just isn't true.The truth is I don't KNOW what I'd do if the
addict was in my tight inner circle.People on 'websites' SURE can TALK a tough game.
But there aren't any controls,are there? I'll tell you what is authentic----people who
reach out and say "I slipped up".You say you thought twice before posting 'cuz you
KNEW you were gonna 'get it'.
That alone tells me you are a lady (and a MOM)....of courage.
I second what LMN says.No matter WHAT unfolds---your SR friends will be there for
you.
===========================quote================== =======
toss these lines of 'love' to me... I swallow them. I absorb them.
What the hell is wrong with me?? Am I THIS weak????
================================================== ======
The addict I cared about was not my gal,my wife,or even (really) my friend.
I tell you who I AM in AWE of.......people like YOU fighting this in their PRIMARY
relationships.I would LOVE to spout off a line of BS inferring my superiority and the
fact that I would NEVER allow myself to be treated that way.
But that just isn't true.The truth is I don't KNOW what I'd do if the
addict was in my tight inner circle.People on 'websites' SURE can TALK a tough game.
But there aren't any controls,are there? I'll tell you what is authentic----people who
reach out and say "I slipped up".You say you thought twice before posting 'cuz you
KNEW you were gonna 'get it'.
That alone tells me you are a lady (and a MOM)....of courage.
Lara,
I can empathize with your desire to believe. Are you lonely? I have been out of my relationship for a year and a half. Still...I let contact slip into my life. Most recently I see pics of my exABF in Ireland...visiting "magical" places...a part of the fantasy life we shared. I would have been there with him. My imagination wonders...misses...and then I try to remember the bad times...what actually happened when we were in Italy.
So Ireland...Italy...India.
In some ways these far off places are so grandiose. As someone else mentioned it is a big fanfare extravagant move to try to prove something.
People who are in recovery call this a "geographic"...when changing the surroundings is a desperate attempt to change the life that surrounds you. I know that desperation...from the addict side (I'm a recovering alcoholic) and from the codependent side too.
Loneliness is akin to the spiritual hole that an addict and codependent try to fill...either with a substance or the promise of love from someone who loves the substance.
Today I finally went to get a massage. I need care. I need to care for my self, my heart, my spirit and my body. Loneliness has many cures. Today I asked for help...and allowed a masseuse to help care a little bit. We all need support, love, understanding, hope, physical touch...attention in so many ways. The problem is that when you decide to rely on an active addict for these things the need often becomes totally crazy making.
Insanity is contagious, especially when witnessed in the most intimate ways.
Sanity can return...but only after A LOT of work in recovery...on both your parts.
Tend to the sanity of your child, keep him from contagion.
I can empathize with your desire to believe. Are you lonely? I have been out of my relationship for a year and a half. Still...I let contact slip into my life. Most recently I see pics of my exABF in Ireland...visiting "magical" places...a part of the fantasy life we shared. I would have been there with him. My imagination wonders...misses...and then I try to remember the bad times...what actually happened when we were in Italy.
So Ireland...Italy...India.
In some ways these far off places are so grandiose. As someone else mentioned it is a big fanfare extravagant move to try to prove something.
People who are in recovery call this a "geographic"...when changing the surroundings is a desperate attempt to change the life that surrounds you. I know that desperation...from the addict side (I'm a recovering alcoholic) and from the codependent side too.
Loneliness is akin to the spiritual hole that an addict and codependent try to fill...either with a substance or the promise of love from someone who loves the substance.
Today I finally went to get a massage. I need care. I need to care for my self, my heart, my spirit and my body. Loneliness has many cures. Today I asked for help...and allowed a masseuse to help care a little bit. We all need support, love, understanding, hope, physical touch...attention in so many ways. The problem is that when you decide to rely on an active addict for these things the need often becomes totally crazy making.
Insanity is contagious, especially when witnessed in the most intimate ways.
Sanity can return...but only after A LOT of work in recovery...on both your parts.
Tend to the sanity of your child, keep him from contagion.
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I am feeling vulnerable and exposed. I need to 'batton down the hatches'.... get a grip. Find my inner peace again.....
Thank you
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Lara - your pain is so evident. And your bravery, even more so. When I read your post, the first thought that came to mind was "boy, is she gonna hear it!" And you "heard it" from so many who have been similarly hurt. All I have to offer is that time is not not your enemy. Maybe you can feel brave enough to just say "not yet." His actions in the next several months will prove him. A decision CAN be "not yet," if you aren't ready to say NO.
I'm sure your H truly wants things like they used to be, too. We need to remember that our addicts did love us more than drugs, at one point. If he is committed to his recovery, time will show.
How quickly this past year on SR has passed for you? What's wrong with more time. Not yet.
I hope you gain some peace in your mind about this situation.
Donna
I'm sure your H truly wants things like they used to be, too. We need to remember that our addicts did love us more than drugs, at one point. If he is committed to his recovery, time will show.
How quickly this past year on SR has passed for you? What's wrong with more time. Not yet.
I hope you gain some peace in your mind about this situation.
Donna
If there weren't a child involved, I'd say, sure, go for it if you want. The only person you might be hurting would be yourself. However, with a child involved, my advice is to let this guy go. Lots of us love people we know aren't good for us and we can't be in a relationship with. It isn't the end of the world and there is love out there for you that isn't toxic. You won't find it though, if you keep hanging onto this guy.
or try this: How To Be Alone - YouTube
I am not sure if I did this right, but this one is for you, Lara, and for all of us who are sometimes afraid of being alone...
Peace.
I am not sure if I did this right, but this one is for you, Lara, and for all of us who are sometimes afraid of being alone...
Peace.
lara - sliding into my "armchair psychologist" seat for a second...altho i don't recall you ever stating there was any type of outright ABUSE in your relationship with H, the patterns and the cycles you describe are very much LIKE the Cycle of Abuse - perhaps one could even look at the abuse as abuse OF things:
TENSION BUILDING -
Tension starts and steadily builds
Abuser starts to get angry
Communication breaks down
Victim feels the need to concede to the abuser
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels uneasy and a need to watch every move
INCIDENT or "Acting Out" phase
Any type of abuse occurs
Physical
Sexual
Emotional
Or other forms of abuse as found in the power and control wheel.
HONEYMOON or Reconciliation phase
Abuser apologizes for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Blames victim for provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred
Minimizing, denying or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims
CALM before the tension starts again.
Abuses slow or stop
Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Promises made during honeymoon stage may be met
Abuser may give gifts to victim
Victim believes or wants to believe the abuse is over or the abuser will change
(Often the cycle of violence is portrayed as 3 steps: tension, acting out and honeymoon phases, where the Honeymoon and Calm phase are seen as one.)
TENSION BUILDING -
Tension starts and steadily builds
Abuser starts to get angry
Communication breaks down
Victim feels the need to concede to the abuser
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels uneasy and a need to watch every move
INCIDENT or "Acting Out" phase
Any type of abuse occurs
Physical
Sexual
Emotional
Or other forms of abuse as found in the power and control wheel.
HONEYMOON or Reconciliation phase
Abuser apologizes for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Blames victim for provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred
Minimizing, denying or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims
CALM before the tension starts again.
Abuses slow or stop
Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Promises made during honeymoon stage may be met
Abuser may give gifts to victim
Victim believes or wants to believe the abuse is over or the abuser will change
(Often the cycle of violence is portrayed as 3 steps: tension, acting out and honeymoon phases, where the Honeymoon and Calm phase are seen as one.)
Sorry, Lara, I just noticed that you said in an earlier comment on this thread that you were not lonely...Still, I found this little piece so powerful--thinking about all the ways that we can be happy just as we are, alone or not.
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Is this not the guy you said did something devastating to some people you know that you could not even go into detail? Was this not well after the person he killed? How many more lives must be infected and destroyed by this man before you get real. Perhaps your son's life, yours??
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My silence and lack of response to your post is a deep feeling of embarressment and shame... not ready to comment yet. Not ready to accept how I feel about this all. But certainly not out of lack of respect for you all here on SR. If you will give me a little bit of time... just to absorb this all.
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Lara - my daughter is 4 1/2. My xabf (not her biological father) was in her life since she was an infant. I had no problem leaving her biogical father while I was pregnant, went through my pregnancy alone and was happy. He and I have a great parenting relatinship now that is very healthy for our daughter. He wasn't much of a drinker but one night he came home after drinking, punched holes in my wall when I was pregnant, pushed me and I had to call the police. I walked, never looked back, not for a second and told myslef this will NEVER be a person I'll give another chance to. No way. No how. Conversation over! He's a great dad. Maybe that was a slip up and again, he's not much of a drinker to begin with so it was surprising but regardless, never gave him another chance to prove me wrong. This is the father of my child and it was easy to walk.
I'm writing about this because my sister last weekend says to me "you used to be the strongest, the most independant woman any of us have every met. what happened to you..." referring to what she's watched me put up with as far as my axbf of three years that walked into my life when my daughter was 18 months old. In walks the addict. Never in a million years would I, my family or a single friend of mine believe that I would go back to this person as many times as I have. Why? I still don't have the answers. I still feel like I have PTSD when I think back to the things that I put up with that I never would have with anyone else.
Our stories are similar. We are both single moms, I'm close to your age, our children are almost the same age. All I can tell you is that I wish I would have listened to the advice of all the wise SR members. So many times in the last three years they were right. I too had a long period of no contact last year and was foolish enough to reach out. It turned into 5 months of pure hell. He wasn't even doing as many drugs as he was in the past, but was still relapsing constantly. Our relationship was worse on so many levels. Each make up/break up cycle adds to the dysfunction of most relationships I think, even ones where no drugs are involved. You add drugs, lies, manipulation, distrust, etc to it, it's just too dangerous.
Trust me, I feel your pain. I haven't slept good in the last several nights and am trying to shake this off once again becuase we've broken up so many times due to drugs. I'm just remembering how good I started to feel after months of no contact and remember that I will get there again but I will never be able to get there as long as I have contact with him.
Please remember your child. My child is 4. I chose to not allow my ex to go on vacation with us and that's what ended things a few weeks ago. She can remember that vacation with she and I laughing, having the time of our lives, with no drama, no stress, no anxiety. She's old enough to start remembering things now and so is your child. It's hard being a single mom and I think that's part of the reason I got so sucked in. But it will be much harder to watch my daughter have issues when she's older because I let an addict in her life.
I'm writing about this because my sister last weekend says to me "you used to be the strongest, the most independant woman any of us have every met. what happened to you..." referring to what she's watched me put up with as far as my axbf of three years that walked into my life when my daughter was 18 months old. In walks the addict. Never in a million years would I, my family or a single friend of mine believe that I would go back to this person as many times as I have. Why? I still don't have the answers. I still feel like I have PTSD when I think back to the things that I put up with that I never would have with anyone else.
Our stories are similar. We are both single moms, I'm close to your age, our children are almost the same age. All I can tell you is that I wish I would have listened to the advice of all the wise SR members. So many times in the last three years they were right. I too had a long period of no contact last year and was foolish enough to reach out. It turned into 5 months of pure hell. He wasn't even doing as many drugs as he was in the past, but was still relapsing constantly. Our relationship was worse on so many levels. Each make up/break up cycle adds to the dysfunction of most relationships I think, even ones where no drugs are involved. You add drugs, lies, manipulation, distrust, etc to it, it's just too dangerous.
Trust me, I feel your pain. I haven't slept good in the last several nights and am trying to shake this off once again becuase we've broken up so many times due to drugs. I'm just remembering how good I started to feel after months of no contact and remember that I will get there again but I will never be able to get there as long as I have contact with him.
Please remember your child. My child is 4. I chose to not allow my ex to go on vacation with us and that's what ended things a few weeks ago. She can remember that vacation with she and I laughing, having the time of our lives, with no drama, no stress, no anxiety. She's old enough to start remembering things now and so is your child. It's hard being a single mom and I think that's part of the reason I got so sucked in. But it will be much harder to watch my daughter have issues when she's older because I let an addict in her life.
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