terryr97

My ABF has relapsed again and, after three years of the insanity and chaos he put me through, while I was going to college full time, I had to cut him loose. I'm over 50 and never experienced such a wonderful person turning into such a horrible creature when he would relapse but I kept chasing after him, afraid that he would die if I didn't. But this last time, I've been just too beaten by the roller coaster that I had to quit him or I was gonna join him. It hurts. Alot. I've lost alot of friends that were scared of watching me go downhill (I've got 5 years of sobriety). I did not get sober for this crap. I just keep re-reading Zosos Laws for Surviving a Breakup with an Addict and push on. I was fortunate that he told me that he didn't love himself so how could he love me? I know he loves me but he's not ready to be clean yet. He's in the "my life sucks" phase again and I'm done with hearing it. Unfortunately, I knew that the more this kept up, the less I'd be able to love him cos I dont trust him after all the lies and manipulations that addicts do. So, its hard sometimes but I'll never trust him with my heart again. I've let him break it too many times that he learned that he could hurt me and I'd take him back. I've gotta give him over to God and trust in the process. Thanks for letting me ramble but its taken me three months to be able to post this without crying. I've finally dobe the NC thing and I feel empty inside but that'll get better. I'm just getting over a trauma, which will take time. At least I'm still sober.

Ann

I'm glad you're still sober, that's the most important thing of all.

Yes, it hurts now (and I send hugs) but this hurt will heal. The hurt of remaining with an active addict just goes on and on and on.

You deserve so much more than this, and once you heal and regain your balance there will be wonderful new beginnings ahead just waiting for you to show up. I promise.

Hugs

zoso77

I think it's wonderful that you have 5 years of sobriety under your belt. You deserve a lot of credit for that, because I'm aware it hasn't been easy for you.

I'm also aware that cutting your ABF loose wasn't easy. But I'm betting that you understand that doing the right thing seldom feels good. Unfortunately, for every one of you that chooses the path to recovery, there's another nine that either don't choose that path or find it too hard to stay on for long. So you'll grieve, and you'll go through moments that absolutely suck. And that's OK, because I know you can handle it. When you're going through hell, just keep going...

Best,
ZoSo