Evey

fighting this so badly.....even got the book "Codependent No More" and read 3/4 th of it already....its helping a bit. Got a nar anon meeting tomorrow night which im looking forward too..

still cant believe i quit my job.....but i feel like i couldnt handle being at any job right now....my depression is pretty severe..

thoughts are arising in my head....did he ever love me? is he using right now? is he thinking of me?

gone all day without hearing from him....so hard....so hard to not communicate with him...but this is what he wants.......

he doesnt want me to hurt anymore....but im hurting right now ......when will it go away? one hour im ok no tears then the next im diving off the deep end in a puddle of tears and mascara all over my face.

he could of been selfish and kept me in this relationship and eventually married and have kids with me but didnt...he let me go....why? does he love me? does he know im a good girl from a good family?

just thoughts.....i need feedback.....love hearing from you guys......the support is extremely comforting <3

LoveMeNow

I am sorry you are in such pain. The three things that I needed to learn about love were.

1. Love is a verb
2. Love is not obsession
3. Love is not selfish

If you truly love him, set him free. Sounds like you are having withdrawals that only time will heal. Most of here understand that. Keep working on you. Put all that energy into you because you are worth it.

Remember. - healthy attracts healthy !!

Lily1918

I agree with LMN. This sounds like withdrawl. please don't beat yourself up for quitting your job over it. I have done that before too. You will need to get a new one though.
Addicts go through WD when they quit their drug. We go though WD when we quit our addict, or are forced to.
I did. others did. you are. Its ok. Its like childbirth. Millions of people do it and its scary and it hurts like H E double hockey sticks. BUT when its over... its over, and a new life has begun.

I like to write everything Im feeling and the throw the pages into the fireplace.
hugs.

blueholly

Evey,
I know what you are talking about. It is hard to go NC. I agree with WD to. It gets a little easier every day. Trust me. I have cut off my AH and left. Last night I had dinner with friends and I told my sister it was the first time I felt "normal" in a very long time. Everyday that passes makes it a little easier. When I take time to see that our lives are very different in a good way, it makes it easier...

Try to find something to distract you. You can't sit in the house and think about it and obsess over it or you will never come out of it. I have had depression off and on for most of my life.
I have discovered that when I do have a job, and I am "forced" to get up every day it helped. Even though I hated my last job.. when I was living with AH it became somewhat of a relief. I could go work and distract my mind....

terryr97

Evey, you could have been writing my story! My ABF has relapsed again and, after three years of the insanity and chaos he put me through, while I was going to college full time, I had to cut him loose. I'm over 50 and never experienced such a wonderful person turning into such a horrible creature when he would relapse but I kept chasing after him, afraid that he would die if I didn't. But this last time, I've been just too beaten by the roller coaster that I had to quit him or I was gonna join him. It hurts. Alot. I've lost alot of friends that were scared of watching me go downhill (I've got 5 years of sobriety). I did not get sober for this crap. I just keep re-reading Zosos Laws for Surviving a Breakup with an Addict and push on. Don't sit around and think. Just keep doing something and keep talking until you're sick of the subject and feeling like a victim. You deserve to be happy. Just give time time.

Wing

I also quit my job... And trying to deal with my emotion and depression... But now I just wanna stay home... Even when I went out to meet frens, I just wanna go home...
But I find that painting is my cure... It keepse calm and free my mind.
Perhaps u could also try to do something u like to distract yourself.

zoso77

Evey...

A lot of people in your situation always ask if the addict loved them or not. And in my experience, that's a loaded question. It's too black or white, and that's because the answer is more complicated than the question.

The answer typically goes something like this: the addict did the best with what he or she had at that given moment. I don't doubt that your AXBF cared for you deeply on some level. But addicts, either while they're still using or abstaining but not in recovery, aren't capable of consistency in a romantic (or any kind) of relationship. Addiction is so self-seeking, so if your eyes are always pointed inward, only focusing on yourself, then how can you make room for someone else? Maybe you can for a day here or there, or maybe have a good week. But as a rule, addicts don't make good partners or spouses.

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with depression. More importantly, I understand it. Please make sure that you at least do the minimum amount of self-care, like eating and bathing. Drink a lot of water, for that will flush the cortisol that's building up in your system and give you some relief.

Keep us posted.

ZoSo