lilyB2013

I've come to believe that the universe and the gods will restore me to sanity.

One moment, fine. Confident, feeling good about myself- I've made so much progress, then bam. Email from the landlord saying that my AXBF (who I'm still [unfortunately] living with) hasn't paid his full share of the rent. Rent is due on the 5th... and here we are, 2 weeks later. I've been hearing all week that it's been taken care of.

I'm putting my foot down. I am CONSCIOUSLY doing my best to shake off the anxiety and stop the codependent me from getting involved in his issues and in his problems caused by his immaturity and insistence on buying his drugs-- rather than pay for the roof over his head.

I'm doing my best to repeat that this is NOT MY PROBLEM ANYMORE. I broke up with him for a reason- I'm looking for the best avenue to move out- because his problems can't be mine. We get paid the same. If he can't pay what I pay every month because he would rather blow his money away, I refuse to pick up the pieces like I have for so many months. I've lost track of the amount of times I've covered his rent...

I'm trying my best to give up this anxiety and this shakiness to the universe-- to let it heal me and to calm my soul. It's hard. The anxiety blinds me and makes me physically shake. I don't want to feel this fear and insecurity anymore-- I'm doing my best to shake it off of me.


I've come to believe that the universe and the gods will restore me to sanity.

I have to do some meditation to calm my pounding heart and to stop feeling as tense. His problem isn't mine. If he has problems with the landlord, that's between them. I'm fortunate the landlord is a kind and great person-- I don't feel personally jeopardized (and don't anticipate being evicted-- it takes at least 3 months to legally evict someone here).

But-- forget this guy. Who does that stuff? Someone who is constantly hiding their inner demons and pretending to have things under their control. I can't deal with that anymore. I can't deal with being lied to anymore. I knew he was full of it when he said it was taken care of- I'm not shocked. Well, I suppose I am or I wouldn't be posting.


I've come to believe that the universe and the gods will restore me to sanity.

I have to keep repeating that, especially in meditation. I will be sane, because I must be sane, and the serenity that comes with it will feel amazing-- I just know it.

shinebright7

I have just recently moved into studying and taking in step two more deeply with my sponsor.

I started with a list of my insanity over in the step study forum - since to accept a restoration of my sanity I have to accept my insanity -- which stems of course from my powerlessness acknowledged in step 1.

Came to believe that a power greater than myself...

Yeah. I am not as powerful as I think. I can not do everything as I have sometimes tried to do. I can especially not force or rush myself into sanity right now because I am often still in the soup of insanity trying to change what can't be changed.

I trust that one day I'll get it.

For now, I can work on "getting" that my higher power is more powerful than me and that's the thing that can help me. That has the power to restore me to sanity.

It's not my job to restore my sanity.

My Higher Power will do that -- if I will get out of the way and let Him.

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

lilyB2013

I think that's a great way to look at it. I really have to dive into the steps forums! I didn't even see them before now.

Resting in the knowledge that there will be sanity, however, is the only thing that I can do right now, I suppose.



I just changed my computer wallpaper to a funny picture, put on a funny podcast on my phone, and am deciding to just work on what I need to do for right now, instead of letting this consume me, like it would have before. Regardless of anything, I think I'm doing all I can do right this moment to stop focusing on him and his failings. One step in front of the other.