Choosing Sanity
I've come to believe that the universe and the gods will restore me to sanity.
One moment, fine. Confident, feeling good about myself- I've made so much progress, then bam. Email from the landlord saying that my AXBF (who I'm still [unfortunately] living with) hasn't paid his full share of the rent. Rent is due on the 5th... and here we are, 2 weeks later. I've been hearing all week that it's been taken care of.
I'm putting my foot down. I am CONSCIOUSLY doing my best to shake off the anxiety and stop the codependent me from getting involved in his issues and in his problems caused by his immaturity and insistence on buying his drugs-- rather than pay for the roof over his head.
I'm doing my best to repeat that this is NOT MY PROBLEM ANYMORE. I broke up with him for a reason- I'm looking for the best avenue to move out- because his problems can't be mine. We get paid the same. If he can't pay what I pay every month because he would rather blow his money away, I refuse to pick up the pieces like I have for so many months. I've lost track of the amount of times I've covered his rent...
I'm trying my best to give up this anxiety and this shakiness to the universe-- to let it heal me and to calm my soul. It's hard. The anxiety blinds me and makes me physically shake. I don't want to feel this fear and insecurity anymore-- I'm doing my best to shake it off of me.
I've come to believe that the universe and the gods will restore me to sanity.
I have to do some meditation to calm my pounding heart and to stop feeling as tense. His problem isn't mine. If he has problems with the landlord, that's between them. I'm fortunate the landlord is a kind and great person-- I don't feel personally jeopardized (and don't anticipate being evicted-- it takes at least 3 months to legally evict someone here).
But-- forget this guy. Who does that stuff? Someone who is constantly hiding their inner demons and pretending to have things under their control. I can't deal with that anymore. I can't deal with being lied to anymore. I knew he was full of it when he said it was taken care of- I'm not shocked. Well, I suppose I am or I wouldn't be posting.
I've come to believe that the universe and the gods will restore me to sanity.
I have to keep repeating that, especially in meditation. I will be sane, because I must be sane, and the serenity that comes with it will feel amazing-- I just know it.