ughhhh please help me figure this out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: new york
Posts: 78
ughhhh please help me figure this out
ok before he went to rehab my hubby (alcoholic and drug addict) wrote a check to my daughters school for 98 dollars so he can be a chaperone to great adventure with her.
when he got out of rehab he went to the bank to make sure it wemt through, they said it did but he got a letter in the mail from the bank that id didnt go through and theyre charging him the 30 dollars,,,
my question is, he gave me 40 dollars last night to help with bills..(im the only one working he lost his job when he went into rehab)
he didnt ask for it back but he did ask me to go get the 98 from my account and get a money order so he can give it (or me) to the school.
i told him i dont know if i can afford it because of whats due this week electric is due to be shut off next week but i can call and try to make an arrangement,
i know wee shouldnt try to fix things , i actually never have (like called in to work, gave him money to fix his bank in the past) or anything like that.
my daughter has been so looking forward to this trip together with him, and i dont want her to be let down or dissapointed or embarrased.
so hes in recovery, outpatient rehab 3 hours a day and a noon meeting and a night meeting daily, its not like i would be handing him cash,,,
or should i let him figure it out even though he has no job.
my concern is my daughter and her trip. heck i could go chaperone instead of him, this to me isnt about him, its a bout my daughter and her trip not him so i think my intentions are not of codependency but of my daughter .
what do you think
someone else will be able to take the trip as a chaperone if he doesnt give the money.
and then it w2ould unfold for him to deal with and my daughter, as i should probably let happen i just am tired of them (the kids) going without and she SO deservees this shes in honors orchestra and this is what they earned
i think if its not to help him but to help her, i can give the money to the sschool
when he got out of rehab he went to the bank to make sure it wemt through, they said it did but he got a letter in the mail from the bank that id didnt go through and theyre charging him the 30 dollars,,,
my question is, he gave me 40 dollars last night to help with bills..(im the only one working he lost his job when he went into rehab)
he didnt ask for it back but he did ask me to go get the 98 from my account and get a money order so he can give it (or me) to the school.
i told him i dont know if i can afford it because of whats due this week electric is due to be shut off next week but i can call and try to make an arrangement,
i know wee shouldnt try to fix things , i actually never have (like called in to work, gave him money to fix his bank in the past) or anything like that.
my daughter has been so looking forward to this trip together with him, and i dont want her to be let down or dissapointed or embarrased.
so hes in recovery, outpatient rehab 3 hours a day and a noon meeting and a night meeting daily, its not like i would be handing him cash,,,
or should i let him figure it out even though he has no job.
my concern is my daughter and her trip. heck i could go chaperone instead of him, this to me isnt about him, its a bout my daughter and her trip not him so i think my intentions are not of codependency but of my daughter .
what do you think
someone else will be able to take the trip as a chaperone if he doesnt give the money.
and then it w2ould unfold for him to deal with and my daughter, as i should probably let happen i just am tired of them (the kids) going without and she SO deservees this shes in honors orchestra and this is what they earned
i think if its not to help him but to help her, i can give the money to the sschool
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
He has made a mess for you to clean up and that's wrong, but your daughter deserves this trip too. Do what makes YOU feel good doing.
I would give the money to the school, let her go and take finances completely into your own hands...not to help him but to ensure that your bills can get paid and your obligations are met.
I'm sorry you are facing this kind of dilemma.
Hugs
I would give the money to the school, let her go and take finances completely into your own hands...not to help him but to ensure that your bills can get paid and your obligations are met.
I'm sorry you are facing this kind of dilemma.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: new york
Posts: 78
he has been on alot of her trips and he would just be with her, not a group of kids... like an option if the parent wants to go with the kids. I am a bus driver and am probably going to be one of the drivers that day so it would be a bonus for her.
thats what makes me feel happy to do. to make it happen for my daughter so thats what i will do
thanks, no money is going to his hands lol
im happy to hear a different perspective, sometimes its hard to see when youre emotionally involved, so i wasnt sure if i was solving a problem for him but no i definetly feel theat its for my daughter. if it was something else like cigarettes or he owed money to someone else i would tell him i didnt have it. the bills for our house hold and the kids are my priority.
thats what makes me feel happy to do. to make it happen for my daughter so thats what i will do
thanks, no money is going to his hands lolim happy to hear a different perspective, sometimes its hard to see when youre emotionally involved, so i wasnt sure if i was solving a problem for him but no i definetly feel theat its for my daughter. if it was something else like cigarettes or he owed money to someone else i would tell him i didnt have it. the bills for our house hold and the kids are my priority.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: new york
Posts: 78
@ Hanna, that hadnt crossed my mind about him not being clean for her trip, hes been on so many class trips with her and that waas always one thing we didnt have to worry about wheres daddy? i guess i should be thankful for that its one thing i never realized.
plus he doesnt have any money or a job so without that i dont think he wi8ll be drinking or drugging any time soon, he has surrounded him self with that outpatient rehab every day and 2 aa meetings a day too.... and his sponsor and his friends are in program.
but thats not my business about what his program is and what hes doing. well it is if my children are involved, but i guess to protect my daughter in the event that he didnt show up or looked like he was using or something, i would step in. thats just never been an issue, knock on wood.
his using was never in the house, we never saw any drugs or drinks, he would just dissapear for hours at a time so that would be a big red flag and i would definetly take his place, i would already be there on the bus anyway
plus he doesnt have any money or a job so without that i dont think he wi8ll be drinking or drugging any time soon, he has surrounded him self with that outpatient rehab every day and 2 aa meetings a day too.... and his sponsor and his friends are in program.
but thats not my business about what his program is and what hes doing. well it is if my children are involved, but i guess to protect my daughter in the event that he didnt show up or looked like he was using or something, i would step in. thats just never been an issue, knock on wood.
his using was never in the house, we never saw any drugs or drinks, he would just dissapear for hours at a time so that would be a big red flag and i would definetly take his place, i would already be there on the bus anyway
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
plus he doesnt have any money or a job so without that i dont think he wi8ll be drinking or drugging any time soon,
An alcoholic and/or an addict, if they WANT to drink or use will find the money somehow. I know not only from what i did, but from what sponsees and others in recovery have shared with me over the years.
No job and no money is NOT a problem to an A, just a small bump in the road, a very small bump.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: new york
Posts: 78
thank you Laurie, yes that IS true.
He can always seem to come up with a little money here and there.
working on a car, towing a car, or just going to scrap something.
i have to be realistic, and not so oblivious and trusting this time.
we are starting marriage counseling and one thing i am going to address is finances and that I would like to manage them. not to control him and his ability to relapse, because as you said, he can find a way to do that.
i dont know how much he will agree to it, since during our counseling session at rehab he mentioned eventually getting a joint bank account.
I have already made up my mind about that. NO NO NO NO WAY in hell will I be that stupid to let him have complete access to what little money I make. Thats all I have to take care of me and the kids and all it would take is one relapse to wipe us out.
he has a few job opportunities right now, which he could jump right into and it would reaalllly help us financially but he is doing his outpatient for 3 hours and 2 meetings a day so it will be a while before he feels he is ready to go back.
thats when i may start to worry ,
thats when he may feel he doesnt want to hand over his paycheck.
I dont know how he will be, he may agree, he may not, I for one wouldnt want him or anyone else to take my pay every week and do as they want with it.( I dont really do WANTS with money, its always NEEDS I have to be very careful to make ends meet),
but its something i feel strong about I have never asked him for his check before, like controlling. but now its more of managing a lifestyle i want for the kids. to meet at least their needs and maybe some wants without being totally broke.
Im hoping we can come to agreement on this in counseling, and if he doesnt agree to it, I will chalk that up to one thing I cant control and just start saving as much as I can incase I need it for me and the kids down the road.
such a touchy situation, so im glad there will be counselors to help us communicate with each other more openly .
thanks for listening it helps to get it out of my head
He can always seem to come up with a little money here and there.
working on a car, towing a car, or just going to scrap something.
i have to be realistic, and not so oblivious and trusting this time.
we are starting marriage counseling and one thing i am going to address is finances and that I would like to manage them. not to control him and his ability to relapse, because as you said, he can find a way to do that.
i dont know how much he will agree to it, since during our counseling session at rehab he mentioned eventually getting a joint bank account.
I have already made up my mind about that. NO NO NO NO WAY in hell will I be that stupid to let him have complete access to what little money I make. Thats all I have to take care of me and the kids and all it would take is one relapse to wipe us out.
he has a few job opportunities right now, which he could jump right into and it would reaalllly help us financially but he is doing his outpatient for 3 hours and 2 meetings a day so it will be a while before he feels he is ready to go back.
thats when i may start to worry ,
thats when he may feel he doesnt want to hand over his paycheck.
I dont know how he will be, he may agree, he may not, I for one wouldnt want him or anyone else to take my pay every week and do as they want with it.( I dont really do WANTS with money, its always NEEDS I have to be very careful to make ends meet),
but its something i feel strong about I have never asked him for his check before, like controlling. but now its more of managing a lifestyle i want for the kids. to meet at least their needs and maybe some wants without being totally broke.
Im hoping we can come to agreement on this in counseling, and if he doesnt agree to it, I will chalk that up to one thing I cant control and just start saving as much as I can incase I need it for me and the kids down the road.
such a touchy situation, so im glad there will be counselors to help us communicate with each other more openly .
thanks for listening it helps to get it out of my head
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
new ways of thinking brought in
Originally Posted by DroPsoJuPiTeR 
we are starting marriage counseling
I would just concentrate on that for now
if
things go right
and
both parties are willing to work together
for the sake of the marriage & family
this will make for a solid ground new start
yes
as the years go by there are many times in a marriage
when the old must be thrown out
and
the new ways of thinking brought in
onehigherpower
if
things go right
and
both parties are willing to work together
for the sake of the marriage & family
this will make for a solid ground new start
yes
as the years go by there are many times in a marriage
when the old must be thrown out
and
the new ways of thinking brought in
onehigherpower
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: new york
Posts: 78
Im a little nervous about the marriage counseling, because I KNOW he is going to bring up things I have done in the past, and I do own up to them....
I dont really bring up his past, I would like to move forward and not look back (except keep it in my mind like ok he blew 67,000 in 2 months, so I wont trussst him with money)
i know its not fair, i know we are dysfunctional, i know we have to have trust, but he wants DETAILS of things Ive done and I dont even like to think of the details of things Ive done so why would I want to discuss it with him. or anyone else for that matter.
Im thinking as long as I work on me and do the steps, I will be able to eventually tell a sponsor or another human being the nature of my wrongs. but i will never tell my husband the nature of my wrongs in detail.
I dont ask him how he smoked crack and who he smoked crack with and harass him about rumors Ive heard. I would expect the same. Really, I think if I knew every bad little detail about what he did, we may end up apart forever. same goes for me, if he knew every little detail about what I have done, he may say good bye forever too.
his was because of addiction, and mine was because of insecurity and the way i was being treated.
the amends in the steps says to make direct amends to people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
I am not on the amends I am still working on step one. i think Im on step one for a month, while i try to get comfortable with someone and see if i can get a sponsor,,
but what im trying to say is, yes yes yes honesty in a relationship ... but if its going to hurt him or if its going to hurt me, i dont want to know i would rather not know,
like if he had some crack ***** i would rather not know,
and yes., i did cheat on him. thats on me. i take the blame. im the one who told him i cheated on him i didnt try to hide it. but for me thats as far as i think i should have to go. i dont think i should have to get into detail about what happened.
and i dont expect him to give me details either. what good can that do. it can only do harm i think,
yes i am married and i cheated. i sent dirty pictures i had an affair im probably going to hell. im being honest here. at the same time im working on me and am coming to understand why i did the things i did when i was always all about the marriage . curse me as you will
thanks for listening.
man i think i make progress n i think think think TOO MUCH
I dont really bring up his past, I would like to move forward and not look back (except keep it in my mind like ok he blew 67,000 in 2 months, so I wont trussst him with money)
i know its not fair, i know we are dysfunctional, i know we have to have trust, but he wants DETAILS of things Ive done and I dont even like to think of the details of things Ive done so why would I want to discuss it with him. or anyone else for that matter.
Im thinking as long as I work on me and do the steps, I will be able to eventually tell a sponsor or another human being the nature of my wrongs. but i will never tell my husband the nature of my wrongs in detail.
I dont ask him how he smoked crack and who he smoked crack with and harass him about rumors Ive heard. I would expect the same. Really, I think if I knew every bad little detail about what he did, we may end up apart forever. same goes for me, if he knew every little detail about what I have done, he may say good bye forever too.
his was because of addiction, and mine was because of insecurity and the way i was being treated.
the amends in the steps says to make direct amends to people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
I am not on the amends I am still working on step one. i think Im on step one for a month, while i try to get comfortable with someone and see if i can get a sponsor,,
but what im trying to say is, yes yes yes honesty in a relationship ... but if its going to hurt him or if its going to hurt me, i dont want to know i would rather not know,
like if he had some crack ***** i would rather not know,
and yes., i did cheat on him. thats on me. i take the blame. im the one who told him i cheated on him i didnt try to hide it. but for me thats as far as i think i should have to go. i dont think i should have to get into detail about what happened.
and i dont expect him to give me details either. what good can that do. it can only do harm i think,
yes i am married and i cheated. i sent dirty pictures i had an affair im probably going to hell. im being honest here. at the same time im working on me and am coming to understand why i did the things i did when i was always all about the marriage . curse me as you will
thanks for listening.
man i think i make progress n i think think think TOO MUCH
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
deep (dark) secrets
Originally Posted by DroPsoJuPiTeR
he wants DETAILS of things Ive done
we all need to let go of those thoughts
if one wishes to share
and
it will not harm the other
sure nothing wrong with that
but
I have some things in my past also that I'm only sharing with God
period
and
deep down inside I'm sure that my wife would wish not to hear about them
and
I wish not to know about her deep (dark) secrets
what we did in the past is in the past
why look back -- let's look forward
onehigherpower
if one wishes to share
and
it will not harm the other
sure nothing wrong with that
but
I have some things in my past also that I'm only sharing with God
period
and
deep down inside I'm sure that my wife would wish not to hear about them
and
I wish not to know about her deep (dark) secrets
what we did in the past is in the past
why look back -- let's look forward
onehigherpower
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
I think you have a good attitude. We cant change the past, we can only look to the future. Some things we just have to let go, in order to move forward; it’s a state of mind. I went through marriage counseling with my husband, and one of the things I learned was that we both had to take it slow, and we both had to sort out our issues and make peace with the things we had done during his time of active addiction. We both made a lot of mistakes. Communication was important for us, but it had to be done in a slow and safe way. If there are things you don’t want to talk because they are too dark, too emotional for you then I would try to talk to the counselor about it in private, and then be honest with your husband about areas that are too difficult. But one thing I learned, sometimes things we imagine regarding the other person can almost be worse than knowing what really happened. And sometimes if we hold something back, later on it begins to bubble up within us, but then we feel isolated with it, and worried about coming forward later. Things like a joint account, I think this is something to wait on until he is equally providing, and then maybe there are two accounts, at least for a while. One that is set aside to meet the needs of the family (so that bit of saftety is assured), and the other for extra money or wants. That could be shared jointly (to built trust back).
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 30
As a parent I wouldn't want your husband on the trip with my child. Maybe you could explain to your daughter that now's not a good time and instead all go for an ice cream or something (save the larger chunk of money)
Where did he get the $40 for the bills?
Where did he get the $40 for the bills?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: new york
Posts: 78
i honestly think that he will be okay for the trip,i will be there too (they pay for the bus drivers get in) we have never ever seen him high. if youre saying that you wouldnt trust him to go because he might get high there,that didnt cross my mind for once, i dont think he would take some drugs and get high there, its more like he had a separate life with the drugs ....he never used around us .... he would dissapear and go get high . like i would wake up in the middle of the night and he wouldnt be here.... or he would go "help a friend" while we waited for him for hours to come back before dying easter eggs
.... stuff like that. not this year though he was in rehab this easter, and quite frankly if he dissapears in the future, I think we will just dye the eggs as planned without him, or decorate the tree, or even sing happy birthday ... stuff like that. cant wait on him forever like we had in the past... im learning that much.
so im not worried about the trip, the only way i would worry is if he didnt show up for it as that is usually a red flag .
looking back, i know a few things to look for . listen to my intuition, if he starts to constantly fight with me to get out of the house, if he starts dissapearing for hours at a time, if he starts losing weight, thats where i would think he was using again. those were the things i shouldve noticed before but just got sucked into that anger dance and tried to live up to his expectations which were impossible but just some things he was saying to be able to get out of the house ...
i can look at this a little clearer now if i take the time to step back , and if im still confused i can come here and ask for insight...
and im glad for that.
the 40 dollars he got for working on someones car, he actually made 80 but gave 20 to his mom ( yes he owes her money) and kept 20 for his gas and cigarettes. like he talks to me without me asking where he got it or what he is going to do which is totally different from what he used to do. the communication has gotten better, and maybe eventually the trust will come back a while from now
.... stuff like that. not this year though he was in rehab this easter, and quite frankly if he dissapears in the future, I think we will just dye the eggs as planned without him, or decorate the tree, or even sing happy birthday ... stuff like that. cant wait on him forever like we had in the past... im learning that much.
so im not worried about the trip, the only way i would worry is if he didnt show up for it as that is usually a red flag .
looking back, i know a few things to look for . listen to my intuition, if he starts to constantly fight with me to get out of the house, if he starts dissapearing for hours at a time, if he starts losing weight, thats where i would think he was using again. those were the things i shouldve noticed before but just got sucked into that anger dance and tried to live up to his expectations which were impossible but just some things he was saying to be able to get out of the house ...
i can look at this a little clearer now if i take the time to step back , and if im still confused i can come here and ask for insight...
and im glad for that.
the 40 dollars he got for working on someones car, he actually made 80 but gave 20 to his mom ( yes he owes her money) and kept 20 for his gas and cigarettes. like he talks to me without me asking where he got it or what he is going to do which is totally different from what he used to do. the communication has gotten better, and maybe eventually the trust will come back a while from now
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