livinginthenow

Hello,
All comments and suggestions are welcomed!!!!
Please help me....
My father is an active crack user for over 30 years.... I lost my close cousin to an overdose last feb.... and I was married to a crack addict...we are divorced now...but I have been with him seven years total...he has been on crack for about five and a half of those years....I have caught diseases from him, physical abuse, mental,emotional. He has stolen fm me ..and I have been in the hospital(4 days) for abuse.....
Obviously, I am beyond a codependent....I have been in counseling, narraon,coda....they are all very helpful!!!
I have been going on and off with my abf for years...
Recently broke up for 3 months when I learned he was back using and blew 20 grand on crack.
Took him back and he was back using after a month and a half....
That's when he stole from me. I told him to leave and never return.
I blurted out the only thing I will do is drop him to rehab immediately! To my surprise he agreed...ten days ago...
Dropped him off and was hopeful...since then, I have discovered more missing items from my house...I am so angry...he called and I was mad...he asks as if everything is explainable because he was sick!!!! Hell...if this is anything like before he still is sick!!! And I'm just plain sick and tired of this!!!
Yesterday my dad was supposed to pick my mom up from the doctors and he didn't...(they
are 25 yrs divorced...mother is remarried...just needed a favour). She thought something was wrong with him...so I drove to his house and waited fir him....sure enough he comes riding down the street with a young girl in the car...he hops out and strolls over to me like a twelve yr old boys and claims he had a drink...he is 66 with health problems. I left...by the time I made it home I had several messages fm abf furious because I didn't visit him...
So I am in the process of getting ready to visit him now!
I know its a good that he is in recovery...but I am soooooo sick of this....after reading stories online I feel like I'm wasting my time and there is no hope....
I do care ..but I am getting older..what about my life???
I just want to move to the other side of the country....
I don't know how to support him any longer.
Rehab seems like a joke.
There's nothing but drug addicts in detroit...
He was so bad to me..why should I even give a damn?
But I do....his family doesn't care..maybe I shouldn't either...
I know I should've drawn the line yrs ago....should I now? (Now that he in treatment..I stuck it out this far).....
I have so much resentment towards him....that can't be good.
If I new it would be over I would stick it out.....bit there will never be a guarantee even after 20 yrs of sobriety...help..this cannot be my reality....I was a model fm ny to ca when I net him....I still model...but the feeling is gone....my spirit is draining...pls help me....nowhere to turn...I no one understands....

neferkamichael

Livinginthenow, if I were in your situation, I would move on, get as far away from all that as I possibly could. Rootin for ya.

livinginthenow

Thank you....

least

He's shown quite plainly that he can't be trusted. Why let your heart and your trust be broken again? I'd move on if it were me.

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here.

I'm not only a recovering crack addict, I'm a recovering codependent and SR has been a huge help in both my recoveries.

I encourage you to read/post through this forum: Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

It's full of loved ones who are dealing with a loved one who's an addict.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

RDBplus3

livinginthenow,

Walk away and never look back. Do you know what happened to Lot's wife in the Bible when they left Sodom and she looked back? Do not take or make phone calls. Cut it clean and start reinventing yourself. Trying to Love and Hug a rabid dog only gets you bit, sick, or dead.

YOU have the control in this situation, and you only have control over YOU. Get involved in a local church. Do move to another City. Change your phone number. Cut it clean NOW. NEVER look back. Pray and meditate. Start reinventing yourself now. It may seem impossible, but an old cliché is true, a journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step.

I am confident, YOU can be a NEW YOU!

deeker

Do you ever get into the steps in Nar anon. U need to take care of yourself. Do u have a sponsor. U r powerless over him and you need to understand why you are letting this continue to happen to you. Goin to meetings regularly?

Your abf needs to consistently do what he needs to do to get and stay clean and that should be his thing not yours. If he is affecting your life so bad then don't let him come home. Then you will see if he really wants to get and stay sober. If he takes that little extra action to stay clean without you and goes into a sober living home,halfway house etc. If he doesn't then he may not be ready. This is just my opinion.

amsterdampoe

Sounds tough but you should get away while you can. I hope there are no kids involved. Sounds like you have your own issues to deal with outside of drugs. Most people with a good self esteem would not put up with what you have. Find someone with something to contribute and start a new life.

livinginthenow

Walking away seems like I am abandoning him...I have abandonment issues....
Maybe that's why its so hard...
I should leave even though he is in rehab????
I thought that was hope?

least

Let him finish rehab, get out, and stay clean for a time before you even consider taking him back. I wouldn't do it simply because I was in a similar situation and took him back and things got worse. Once bitten, twice shy.

visch1

Hi and welcome. Many have found taking the above suggestions is a practical solution for the long term. All we can do is fix ourselves and sometimes that's a large enough job never mind trying to do the impossible. We've had to recover for ourselves to make it work. A good support group is so helpful even while hearing things we don't want to hear. BE WELL

trikyriky

Prayers coming your way. God Bless

livinginthenow

Thank you both...I am going to start attending meetings regularly.

Mizzuno

I would not worry about his man for now. He is in rehab. You need to take care of you. If you are sick of it, and cant not do it any longer then it is time for you to walk away. Take care of yourself. Tell this man, who is angry with you for not visiting, that you are taking care of yourself.
Do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself.
You can do this.

chrisb245

nar anon or ala non might help you a ton. I have a wife that I have made so sick. She hates me but wont leave. I'm her drug and she gets off on trying to control everything. I pray that she will walk through the door someday.

neferkamichael

I have caught diseases from him, physical abuse, mental,emotional. He has stolen fm me ..and I have been in the hospital(4 days) for abuse.....

Livinginthenow, do you just like punishment or something? Come on now, I'd say get off a sinking ship, please.

OxyMaddened

Okay, reread what you wrote with only the truly pertinent parts of it remaining......and there is your answer right there. If nothing else sticks with you, remember this...an addict will only stop when THEY want to...and even IF they want to, it's still difficult at best, when they ARE motivated to stop from within (and not from the threat of incarceration or other external factors).

Re-read the above again and again until it sinks in, that you must take care of YOU, and not pretend you have to subject yourself to continual financial, emotional, physical and mental abuse. YOU are worth something. Since you said that you model, well even if you can no longer get modeling jobs, keep in mind your physical attractiveness keeps doors open to you in many fields that aren't available to most....so there is absolutely NO reason why you cannot just take off for other parts of the country and start your life anew without being the doormat for addicts the rest of your life.

Start fresh.......let others be responsibile for themselves. People can not and will not learn self-reliance and responsibility if they have others to lean on, or steal from, or abuse. Don't allow this to continue any longer. Be the change you seek, and eliminate these people from your life.....the alternative is to continue, ad nauseum, with the same experiences forever.

livinginthenow

no I do not like punishment...ten yrs ago I would've bet a million bucks I would not be in this situation today....
But thank you everyone!!!!
I see I have abandoned myself....trying to be there for him...
I have to reclaim my life somehow...
I do think I have battered womens syndrome.... its real...
But, it looks like I need to get back in counselling myself..

livinginthenow

.
thank you oxy...
I will reread....
I can't keep going on like this...

Mizzuno

You can reclaim your life and dont look back. You have many resources available to you. Use the tools from CODA that you have learned and reach for the stars. This is your time to do what is right for you.