blueholly

So, I just want to say this up front and make myself clear. This was my own personal experience! I don't want to discourage anyone!

For those of you who don't know. Short history. I just left my AH (meth) about a week ago.

So I went to my first NA meeting tonight. I was kinda hoping to get some encouragement. I mean I am trying real hard to work on my problems. Codie, who knows what else... So I go to this meeting and I am immediately upset. It is like sitting in a room full of my husbands. Only these people are not in total denial. Like, they tell there stories and, I am like that's him. That's us... And they all tell these stories like it never ends. It is a 30 year struggle. The wrong person comes along and boom they use. Timing is wrong and boom they use... I realized that it is a life's work to stay clean, but, maybe i don't realize. Any way. It was like being at a funeral. I cried the whole time! I saw my husband in every face! AND, then I think how can I ever trust him?? How can I not go through life with the thought that he could always fall off and use again. Even ten years from now!!

And they say... "come back, come back." I am sorry it was like shear torture.. I just don't know what to say. I feel like there is no hope for him/us.

IDK... I'm just sad and discouraged at this point...

Please someone who has been to meeting help me out here!

lesliej

oh dear...
NA is for the addict...
nar anon or al anon if for the codependent. very very different!
our focus needs to turn toward ourselves...the only way for us to heal and to find peace and happiness is to find our own path toward well being...
whether the addict is using or not! yes, seriously! seriously!!

when you find your way to an al anon or nar anon meeting and are welcomed there...and you go a few times and give it a chance...you will begin to understand.

I'm sorry you ended up at the wrong meeting...
find the right one!

blueholly

I hope I find the right one to. I guess I thought I you could substitute? Apparently not.

I will look for al anon or naranon. Thanks for the point in the RIGHT direction!

cynical one

It's too soon.

This is one of the reasons in the past I've strongly suggested to NOT go to NA meetings until we are more settled in our own recoveries.

Don't take what you heard tonight as the way it always is at every meeting, because it's NOT.

Work the recovery you wish he would work, and then in six months or a year try an OPEN NA SPEAKER meeting.

LoveMeNow

Blueholly, I think it is a good idea to sit through a few NA meetings as well in the future. In the beginning, I remember feeling much like you. But I have also heard some powerful speakers with some long term recovery that gave me hope.

Have you read on the KCI.org site? It is is specifically related to meth addiction issues.

DesertEyes

Hello BlueHolly,

I am so sorry you are sad and discouraged. Addictions do that, they just wear people down.

Yes, I've been to meetings and experienced exactly what you describe. For me, the reason is that when I walk into a meeting with my heart filled with fear, everything I see is negative.

I was raised by alcoholics. I decided at a very young age I would never have anything to do with somebody "like them". I married a wonderful lady who had _no_ addiction of any kind, not in her or in any family member. We had a fairy tale marriage for almost 20 years. Then she became very ill, spent two years in the most horrible pain.

Then a pharmacist walked into the District Attorneys office and we found out the HMO had been dispensing expired chemotherapy. We switched my wife to a different hospital, got her fresh meds, and in just a few weeks she was in full remision.

Except she _liked_ the pain pills. I don't need to tell anybody here what it's like being married to a pill-addict.

That marriage ended.

How can I ever trust _any_ woman again? How can I know that whoever I find won't some day have some horrible disease and become an addict?

I found my answer in meetings of al-anon. My answer is that trusting _her_ is the problem. It's not _her_ responsibility to make the world a fairy tale. Nor is it mine. The only thing I can trust in this world is my Higher Power. As long as _I_ stick close to my recovery, as long as I stay true to what I believe in, then the world will do what it has always done and I will be able to survive and overcome.

Holding on to that belief I went and found another lovely woman. Not a pill addict, but a food addict. We both did our best for 5 wonderful years, and then her addiction got the best of her.

Today I struggle with my own, nasty health issues. I've been bouncing across the country trying to stay employed. The world is doing what it has always done, but I see no reason to give up. Today the sunrise was fabulous, I put in a good day at work, went for a walk around the block before dinner, and am going to watch the stars out my window as I fall asleep.

There's a charming young lady at one of my meets. She keeps agreeing to go out for coffee, and then chickens out at the last minute. I have no idea what the future will bring, I have learned that I cannot trust the future. But that's no reason to give up on today.

Don't give up, BlueHolly. Don't give up on _you_. I almost did, several times. Just keep coming back to SR, and perhaps try some different meetings. Us folks here on SR won't give up on you, we believe in you because we know exactly how deep that pain is. The pain will go away. You will find your way. Perhaps not right this minute, but you will. Just like the other 100,000 peeps here on SR found their way.

Mike

Lily1918

I can totally relate to this thread because I am a double winner and feel the exact same way when I go to either meeting. Sure, Im "just a pothead" but still...

al anon sounds like a safe place for you, or nar anon.

hugs.

deeker

WE stay clean one day at a time. I only have today. No guarentees. I work dailly for my recovery and if I keep doing what has worked for me today , tomorrow. I should be successfull tomorrow too.

Yes people do relapse. People also put effort into their recovery and stay sober for years. There are no guarantees in life. We could be hit by a bus tomorrow. I would suggest you live your life one day at a time and not worry about tomorrow or 10 years from now.

I am powerless over what other people do. I am only responsible for what I do. I can't change people, I can't get anyone clean. When you realize that you don't have to fix anyone , you will gain a lot more peace in your life. I think maybe you need to go to a Nar-anon meeting not NA.

You will learn how to detach and no matter what happens with your significant other, you will learn how to cope without his actions determining your personal happiness. NA is for the addict not the spouse of the addict.

shinebright7

hugs blueholly! I can imagine that was really hard to sit in on.

Definitely agree with the others to look for the Al- versions of the meetings. You will be sitting with your peers in those groups.

I am sooo glad to have my Al Anon meetings. They are really helping me big time.

Keep us posted when you find one, k?

Kindeyes

Well......people kept telling me to go to an NA meeting. I wouldn't go. I wanted to go when I was ready. I wanted to understand my motives for going. I waited until I had a couple of years of recovery under my belt (in Nar-Anon) and had completed my own 12 step work (round one) before I walked through the doors of an NA meeting.

I had a very different experience. I saw hope there. I saw people. I didn't see addicts. I saw people struggling and I saw people conquering. I saw people succeeding. I saw people fighting their demons. I saw people who weren't afraid of dying and going to hell because they'd already been there.

I'm glad I waited a couple of years before going to an open NA meeting.....if I'd gone too soon......I would have just seen addicts.

gentle hugs
ke

GuideMe

I think it is great that you got to experience that. It gives you an idea of what your husband is going to struggle with for the rest of his life, and what you will need to understand/expect if you so choose to stay with him. There are healthy meetings and there are sick meetings. Both are good to go to, to an extent. I am the addict and I have felt exactly what you have described to the T. But, the fact is, addiction aside, we are all one bad decision from a life changing event. You should really stick to the Nar-Anon meetings until you yourself have some solid recovery. Then, ask around and find some healthy NA meetings to attend and I assure you, they will give you hope. Serious HOPE. Try and find a speaker meeting next time. Those for me are the most inspiring meetings/times I've ever had in my life. But first and most of all, work on your recovery and happiness. It is the only way you will regain your sanity again and possibly find each other once more.

With Love and Blessings,
GuideMe.

Hanna

When I have attended I feel humble gratitude that I haven't walked in those shoes. I go with my brother sometimes and am just so happy to have that opportunity, proud of him, amazed there is a support network like this, and I feel the strength of the people there.

Such a different experience for a sibling than for a spouse. He wasn't my partner and I never had to rely on him. His using didn't effect me In the same way.

Hugs,
Hanna

zoso77

I would encourage you not to go to NA and instead go to Nar Anon or Al Anon. Those meetings are for those who have been affecting by a loved one's addiction. If you go to AA or NA in the emotional state you're in, you'll get triggered, and you don't need that right now.

Best,
ZoSo

blueholly

WOW, I can tell you, I got something out of each and every one of your post. I guess didn't realize the Nar/Al were that different. That meeting about put me under! So, I am glad to regain some hope from all of you!

And it is a very good thing to know the difference. I do need support... Just like I get here...
I wanted to get some help with the 12 steps... as with school, many years ago I am not very good at studying on my own...

I do want to "fix" me also.... So I will definitely find a nar/al today!!

Hanna

I didn't realize you had not been to al/nar yet.
Yes! Very different experiences and al/nar is where we can get support for ourselves.

Sunshine2

Blueholly, I don't think anything ever happen by accident. Maybe you needed this to really face the long road ahead for your AH. There are so many stories of hope from ex-addicts too. I often read on the Substance Abuse forum to remind myself what God is capable of.

Tears are never wasted, they have a way of letting go of fear and pain in ways we don't always notice. As every said, go to alanon and start working on you. That is the only one you have control over.

deeker

There are also Nar anon and Ala non speaker meetings. Wives who shared how they were able to move on and able to compeltely detach from the addict or alcoholic yet still live with them. You learn a way of not letting his spiritual pollution affect your life.

You will really find a lot of hope at Ala non.

JMFburns

blueholly,

I just wanted to share, the first time I went to a NarAnon meeting it was very hard for me - kinda depressing. But about 3 months later I was sooo much further into my enabling my son, sooo sick myself, crazy thinking and crazy acting. That led me right back into the same NarAnon meeting I had been to. Those people helped to save my life. They listened, they understood what I was going through, they helped me turn the focus from my son to myself. They saved me from my life of insanity.

Good luck finding an AlAnon or NarAnon meeting for yourself.