KLM

Well as my AH is out on another bender, and has spent all of our money, I wish I had taken the advice of the people on these boards and left or kicked out my AH alot sooner than now. He left at 10 pm tonight with no warning although I had a hunch he was craving crack all day.
He hasn't used for about a month and ill admit. He manipulated me once again.
I got sucked in.
Detach detach detach

dollydo

He is a binge user, that was what my exabf was.....in the beginning. This is a progressive disease left untreated, he will get worse.

What are you doing for you? Attending Naranon meetings? Read Codependent No More and Women Who Love Too Much?

You had stated that you wouldn't live with an addict...so..now what? Do you really want to live in the poor house all your life? If not, do something about it, get an account in your name only, don't give him your pin number, don't give him the card, if you are going to stay with him, at least get your financial life on tract.

I am sorry, but his path should be very predictable by now, he is not in recovery.

lizwig

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Sounds like you know you made some mistakes and the only thing you can do with those mistakes is let them help you make firmer boundaries for yourself. It's okay...you are human. This is how we learn our limits. We have to reach our own rock bottom as well. Perhaps you weren't there before, maybe you aren't even there yet. The most constructive thing you can do is work on you. I'm sorry he has dissappointed you...yet again. Sending strength your way....

AnvilheadII

can ya hear me now?

today is the only day you can do anything about. you know what you know and nothing changes if nothing changes.

said gently, but manipulation takes two. (unless we are dealing with children, the elderly or the mentally infirm). so somewhere along the way you bought in to what he was selling.

i agree with dolly, NOW is the time to start a plan that will assure the safety of the finances and prevent him from doing any further damage. he's been in "control" long enough, eh?

blueholly

KLM,
That is not fun to deal with. I would have to agree with the above advice. You need to stash some $ for yourself. Just in case. I don't know if you have kids. But I do. And I stashed every penny I can get my hands on. If he gives me $ I don't spend it all and have about 4 diffrent hiding places... Including my dads house. He has the majority of my $. Even if it is $2.00 here and there. You never know. It could get you through if you needed. I have had to break in to my stash a number of times. To pay for things like my kids meds. Didn't make me happy... but im sure glad I had it!

KLM

Too late... the bank account is empty

AnvilheadII

do you work? or are you reliant upon his income? sorry i don't know the whole back story.

KLM

I work.. and we have our own bank accounts however I do not make enough money to pay for all of the vehicles, toys, camper,visas etc.

AnvilheadII

then i might suggest you take some serious steps TODAY to protect yourself. i'm pragmatic so i find it hard to equate BROKE with having all kinds of "toys and cars" in the driveway. that's pretty useless stuff if you can't even pay the regular living expenses. i strongly suggest you get some legal counsel so that you understand your situation and what you can do legally to protect yourself from HIS BS. and i'd be making some hard and fast decisions regarding finances, lifestyle, living arrangements etc.

but that's just me.

zoso77

Rule #1: If his lips are moving, he's lying.

Rule #2: When in doubt, see Rule #1.

shinebright7

(((hugs))) KLM Sorry hun. I can imagine how awful you're feeling. You're going to be okay though. You are a smart and creative human being and you have a lot going for you in spite of your husband's actions and how they have affected you. I believe in you. Lean into the support that you have and trust in your Higher Power. xo

KLM

I just found out hes been putting hash oil on the end of his cigarettes the whole time hes been off work. Feels like someone just punched me in the gut. Guess I shouldnt be so shocked. He is an addict after all.

AnvilheadII

hash oil should be the least of your worries! i don't mean to make light but there IS a huge difference between hash and crack. sounds like he doesn't much care what it is and as long as it might get him high.

you aren't gonna like this, but it's worse than you know. at some point you won't care to know any more, cuz insane is just well insane.

nothing changes if nothing changes. are you ready to make changes?

LoveMeNow

KLM, I understand that "need" to know. I honestly believed the more I knew the easier letting go would become. Like a light bulb would go off and I would say "OK, I am done, I have had enough." For me, it didn't work that way. The more I learned about the insanity of his actions, it only continued to make ME sicker. I was trying so hard to make sense of something so illogical, so insane.

What I have learned is that I will never understand, it will ever make sense because it is not mind to understand. I could barely understand me and how and why I had allowed the unacceptable to become acceptable.

I needed to put the focus back on ME because I am the only thing I could change. I had to ask myself some very hard questions and it wasn't easy. I needed help and support. Anvil is so right...nothing changes if nothing changes.

supportforme

So sorry you are going through this. I didn't listen for many years...and in the end this disease almost took me and my kids down with him.. in the end... The fear of staying outweighed my fear of leaving. Protect your self and get yourself help. You will need it.. Praying for you..

lesliej

crack is evil
13 months ago I decided I no longer wanted crack in my life...
so I walked away from the man I loved
he was a binge user, and I couldn't stand it
crack sucks the life out of everything it touches
it isn't fair, but we all have the choice
it's been a long year, a lot of heart ache, a lot of healing, a lot of relief, some doubt...

Pema Chodron (a buddhist monk who writes amazing things seemingly related to recovery) wrote this reflection on facebook today "hope is the other side of the coin to fear" that, in essence, hope can be as bad as fear. that we should make the effort to detach from hope...and live in acceptance.

thinking of you. you are not alone. I hope you find a way to free yourself from the nightmare of crack

lesliej

ABANDON HOPE (AND FEAR)

Hope and fear is a feeling with two sides. As long as there’s one, there’s always the other. This is the root of our pain. In the world of hope and fear, we always have to change the channel, change the temperature, change the music, because something is getting uneasy, something is getting restless, something is beginning to hurt, and we keep looking for alternatives.

In a nontheistic state of mind, abandoning hope is an affirmation, the beginning of the beginning. You could even put “Abandon hope” on your refrigerator door instead of more conventional aspirations like “Every day in every way I’m getting better and better.”
(From Pema's book When Things Fall Apart.