Separated for only a month and already checking out a dating site???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Massachusetts (south shore)
Posts: 125
Separated for only a month and already checking out a dating site???
I know that I can only make the final decision to divorce or not divorce. I have been married for so long (25 years), and only separated from my addict hubby for one month. He is currently in recovery and supposedly clean for 9 months now...but I still think he is a pathological liar...and I just don't think I want to "try again" to get the trust back.
My heart feels for my husband mostly, but my head thinks that if I go back, things will be good for 6 months, a year or longer...then another bomb will drop, and I will find him lying again. I found myself on a "relationship site" tonight checking out profiles of other men. What is wrong with me?
My heart feels for my husband mostly, but my head thinks that if I go back, things will be good for 6 months, a year or longer...then another bomb will drop, and I will find him lying again. I found myself on a "relationship site" tonight checking out profiles of other men. What is wrong with me?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 82
There is nothing wrong with you. I have been separated from AH for 9 months. First it was perscription drugs, alcohol and now he has progressed onto crack. 2 arrests for possession. I too went onto the dating sites a couple of months ago, just to see what it was like. It is part of realizing you have to move on. I filed for divorce last month. While I wish there was some miracle cure....I knew deep inside there wasn't. I feel the exact same things you are....could it get better, would I trust again, would I want to go through all this stuff again? My answer was no. You will know when it is time for YOU.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
your confused sweetie. the box that held your life just got over turned and dumped out all over the floor. 25 years is a good chunk of time! sheesh.
if you don't trust him, you won't trust him. yes people can EARN our trust but once they violate that IMHO it's nearly impossible to get back. fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
you don't have to do ANYTHING about it today. i'm not sure that a dating site is the best idea, but hey, maybe it helps you see there is MORE to life than just.....him. i'm not sure another HIM is conducive at the moment....this is your life now to recreate however you feel best!!! isn't that kind of cool?
I mean I adore hank, my husband, but should he ever not be here i'm not sure i'd have QUITE so much Green Bay Packer décor in my living room??? not that I don't love the Pack, but it's probably not my chosen motif.
you get to start with a clean canvas now and paint the story of your life.
if you don't trust him, you won't trust him. yes people can EARN our trust but once they violate that IMHO it's nearly impossible to get back. fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
you don't have to do ANYTHING about it today. i'm not sure that a dating site is the best idea, but hey, maybe it helps you see there is MORE to life than just.....him. i'm not sure another HIM is conducive at the moment....this is your life now to recreate however you feel best!!! isn't that kind of cool?
I mean I adore hank, my husband, but should he ever not be here i'm not sure i'd have QUITE so much Green Bay Packer décor in my living room??? not that I don't love the Pack, but it's probably not my chosen motif.
you get to start with a clean canvas now and paint the story of your life.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You can be whole without having a man, another cannot fill the void you feel. Happiness is garnered from the inside out. Why not take this time to find the real you and get yourself healthy?
Sending support your way.
Sending support your way.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Last year, when I separated from my husband, I looked too. I guess a part if me wanted to see what else was out there. But I think I was really trying to fill the void and desperately trying not to think about him. It was also just another way for me to avoid working on me.
I realized a good date would of distracted me from me and a bad date would make miss him more. So I finally decided I had no choice to look in the mirror and do what I needed to do. I needed to find me and my own happiness from within again. I had to work my own recovery as my first priority.
I am glad I made the right decision. I am glad I wasn't so desperate or needy to seek comfort from another man. I am also glad I didn't betray my marriage, my vows or my morals. Despite how confused I had become, I am glad I stayed true to my own core values.
I realized a good date would of distracted me from me and a bad date would make miss him more. So I finally decided I had no choice to look in the mirror and do what I needed to do. I needed to find me and my own happiness from within again. I had to work my own recovery as my first priority.
I am glad I made the right decision. I am glad I wasn't so desperate or needy to seek comfort from another man. I am also glad I didn't betray my marriage, my vows or my morals. Despite how confused I had become, I am glad I stayed true to my own core values.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
Last year, when I separated from my husband, I looked too. I guess a part if me wanted to see what else was out there. But I think I was really trying to fill the void and desperately trying not to think about him. It was also just another way for me to avoid working on me.
I realized a good date would of distracted me from me and a bad date would make miss him more. So I finally decided I had no choice to look in the mirror and do what I needed to do. I needed to find me and my own happiness from within again. I had to work my own recovery as my first priority.
I am glad I made the right decision. I am glad I wasn't so desperate or needy to seek comfort from another man. I am also glad I didn't betray my marriage, my vows or my morals. Despite how confused I had become, I am glad I stayed true to my own core values.
I realized a good date would of distracted me from me and a bad date would make miss him more. So I finally decided I had no choice to look in the mirror and do what I needed to do. I needed to find me and my own happiness from within again. I had to work my own recovery as my first priority.
I am glad I made the right decision. I am glad I wasn't so desperate or needy to seek comfort from another man. I am also glad I didn't betray my marriage, my vows or my morals. Despite how confused I had become, I am glad I stayed true to my own core values.
This is the longest I've gone without being in some kind of relationship for over 20 years... Sure I was lonely at first but now I've packed my schedule so full that I have to carve out time to work on myself.. Which I do because that's my number one priority.. It's quite liberating to break out that tool box and fix something yourself when it breaks..and it's awesome just being ok with being alone...
My disaster date earlier this year taught me a lot of valuable lessons about boundaries and about just being true to me...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
In treatment programs for codependency it is often prescribed that the codependent remain celibate for a minimum one year after the break-up of a relationship with an addict. I believe the thinking is that the codependent has been so programmed to focus on someone other than herself, and to receive validation from someone other than herself, that she feels empty inside without an object on which to fix her attention (a new romantic partner). And there is something wrong with us when we have to go looking for that.
This is a time of great transformation, personal distress, and emotional disorder in your life, and that makes it a very bad time to honestly and clearly connect with another person. If you are scanning dating sites, most people on those are looking either for committed partnership (which you are not prepared for at this time) or sex (which is another word for exploitation).
When our partner is taken away from us by the consequences of Life, it is a very good time to make friends, real friends, for we have often been unavailable or uninterested in true friendships while we were partnered with a crazy person.
My friendships grew in depth and quantity when I found myself alone after the break-up with an addict. And I am so grateful. There are healthy ways to have relationships, and developing genuine friendships with safe people is a great way to experience what it is like to be completely oneself--no games, no control.
This is a time of great transformation, personal distress, and emotional disorder in your life, and that makes it a very bad time to honestly and clearly connect with another person. If you are scanning dating sites, most people on those are looking either for committed partnership (which you are not prepared for at this time) or sex (which is another word for exploitation).
When our partner is taken away from us by the consequences of Life, it is a very good time to make friends, real friends, for we have often been unavailable or uninterested in true friendships while we were partnered with a crazy person.
My friendships grew in depth and quantity when I found myself alone after the break-up with an addict. And I am so grateful. There are healthy ways to have relationships, and developing genuine friendships with safe people is a great way to experience what it is like to be completely oneself--no games, no control.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Great Lakes
Posts: 84
I'm a little behind you. Acoa husband of 25 yrs moved out several weeks ago and started going to acoa meetings, then finally today admitted in the marriage counseling that he was abusive. But he wants to move back in, he wants to "come home" and has said he doesn't care if we don't want him back at this time;'we can leave if we don't like it.'
I don't know about recovery but to me it seems like this is still all about him and he's not respecting my need for space. He's still angry and he's still trying to control me, even bargaining with me about money to bribe me to let him come back. Am I being super stubborn? We both own the house so of course he can come home if he wants to, it's not like that, but I feel if he's sorry and he's trying to change, that should be followed up with some awareness that my situation has been pretty traumatic. I think his default is to blame me (and verbally and emotionally abuse me) when he gets angry or stressed and moving back in right now, after three weeks of meetings, is just asking for trouble.
I don't know about recovery but to me it seems like this is still all about him and he's not respecting my need for space. He's still angry and he's still trying to control me, even bargaining with me about money to bribe me to let him come back. Am I being super stubborn? We both own the house so of course he can come home if he wants to, it's not like that, but I feel if he's sorry and he's trying to change, that should be followed up with some awareness that my situation has been pretty traumatic. I think his default is to blame me (and verbally and emotionally abuse me) when he gets angry or stressed and moving back in right now, after three weeks of meetings, is just asking for trouble.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
In treatment programs for codependency it is often prescribed that the codependent remain celibate for a minimum one year after the break-up of a relationship with an addict. I believe the thinking is that the codependent has been so programmed to focus on someone other than herself, and to receive validation from someone other than herself, that she feels empty inside without an object on which to fix her attention (a new romantic partner). And there is something wrong with us when we have to go looking for that.
This is a time of great transformation, personal distress, and emotional disorder in your life, and that makes it a very bad time to honestly and clearly connect with another person. If you are scanning dating sites, most people on those are looking either for committed partnership (which you are not prepared for at this time) or sex (which is another word for exploitation).
When our partner is taken away from us by the consequences of Life, it is a very good time to make friends, real friends, for we have often been unavailable or uninterested in true friendships while we were partnered with a crazy person.
My friendships grew in depth and quantity when I found myself alone after the break-up with an addict. And I am so grateful. There are healthy ways to have relationships, and developing genuine friendships with safe people is a great way to experience what it is like to be completely oneself--no games, no control.
This is a time of great transformation, personal distress, and emotional disorder in your life, and that makes it a very bad time to honestly and clearly connect with another person. If you are scanning dating sites, most people on those are looking either for committed partnership (which you are not prepared for at this time) or sex (which is another word for exploitation).
When our partner is taken away from us by the consequences of Life, it is a very good time to make friends, real friends, for we have often been unavailable or uninterested in true friendships while we were partnered with a crazy person.
My friendships grew in depth and quantity when I found myself alone after the break-up with an addict. And I am so grateful. There are healthy ways to have relationships, and developing genuine friendships with safe people is a great way to experience what it is like to be completely oneself--no games, no control.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
I only have been separated for 8 months and still see a lot of him mostly
because we have a little girl together. I also have been trying to support him some
now that he is clean though I am starting to think it just gives him hope that we will get
back together someday which is not my intention.
I have no desire to meet anyone else but then I am with my 3 year old all the time
right now.
I attend a single mom meeting (not related to Alanon or anything like that, just single
moms getting together to discuss single mom stuff) and most women have it as a
priority to meet someone else,even if they haven't been separated all that long.(Mind
you most of these women might not have codependency issues).There is some
discussion about dating sites. I don't think that it's wrong that you've looked at
a dating site (though I also think you need some time alone) I would even encourage
you to make a list of things you would like in a new partner. I just did a bit of a list
earlier and I find it very interesting, my list doesn't sound anything like my EX.
Caring, loving, loves the outdoors, adventurous,likes to travel, able and willing to cook, easy going, loves to learn new things (languages,skills..)...Wow, that's only a bit of it and not anything like my EX.
because we have a little girl together. I also have been trying to support him some
now that he is clean though I am starting to think it just gives him hope that we will get
back together someday which is not my intention.
I have no desire to meet anyone else but then I am with my 3 year old all the time
right now.
I attend a single mom meeting (not related to Alanon or anything like that, just single
moms getting together to discuss single mom stuff) and most women have it as a
priority to meet someone else,even if they haven't been separated all that long.(Mind
you most of these women might not have codependency issues).There is some
discussion about dating sites. I don't think that it's wrong that you've looked at
a dating site (though I also think you need some time alone) I would even encourage
you to make a list of things you would like in a new partner. I just did a bit of a list
earlier and I find it very interesting, my list doesn't sound anything like my EX.
Caring, loving, loves the outdoors, adventurous,likes to travel, able and willing to cook, easy going, loves to learn new things (languages,skills..)...Wow, that's only a bit of it and not anything like my EX.
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