bigbrosKeeper

I am a horrible person for kicking my brother out of the house yesterday. He just called me a strew of names and said some very hurtful things to me. My dad believes I am happy about kicking out my ABro. My dad lives here, so it's hard to escape the criticism and condemnation. He started in with "well, according to the law, you have to give him 30 days notice to move out, and you only gave him 10 minutes".

I have told my brother since before he moved here last April that if he used, brought drugs in to my home, had a dealer come to my home, etc, that he would have to leave. I have given him several chances to get help, some he actually followed through on, but the basic rules still stand. Even yesterday, I told him I wouldn't make him leave if he agreed to check himself in to the ER for help. He chose not to get help.

I can't make my father see that this was all my brothers choice, and that my life is not going to be disrupted anymore by my brothers addiction. The things my dad said to me this morning had me in tears, and I don't know what to do. Part of the reason my brother refused hospitalization yesterday is because my father doesn't believe in NA, rehabs, etc - his ego wont let him accept that his son is powerless over drugs.

nancylee

Do NOT give your father power over you to make you feel badly. You have already done more than enough for your brother, disrupting your whole life for a drug addict. If your father is that worked up about your brother, he can either let him stay with him, or rent an apartment for him. You are giving your father way too much say in this. You are an adult with a husband, you do not need your father's approval anymore. He sounds like he is a bully to you, so I would totally avoid him after telling him that it is his turn now.

Hang in there, you are definitely doing the right thing.

Hugs.

Taking5

Don't give in to your father, but from a legal standpoint, he is most likely correct. A good friend owns a house and he got a roommate on a month to month lease for one bedroom in the house, and regular eviction processes still apply. If he can proved he lived there - voting registration, drivers license and mail are all easy ways to do this - then you have to evict him even if he is a charity case. Sad but true.

Whatsit

You are not, repeat, not a horrible person for kicking him out; you did exactly the right thing!

I also have an AB, and my parents (now deceased) were his codependents, too, and I did things that they did not like. In your shoes I would do exactly what you did, but I understand how hard it is to have your dad say things that hurt your feelings terribly. Your dad is not accepting that HE is powerless over his son's addiction; I think it is really hard for dads because they're supposed to be able to fix everything, and they end up feeling like failures.

Your brother has choices, and he is not powerless; he just can't overcome it on his own and needs competent help to manage his addiction. You did the right thing and removed one of his escape routes.

Good work, and hang in there.

bigbrosKeeper

It is my husband's and I's home, my father moved in the same time as my brother. My father has only a small social security check and cannot afford to live on his own (he's 79), as well as many health issues. Unfortunately, my father is an alcoholic that hasn't had a drink in nearly 3 years because he almost bled out from esophagial varicies. He quit on his own (out of fear for his life), but he never saw himself as an alcoholic, even though he was drinking an average of 2 liters of vodka a day, not exaggerating - he seriously drank that much. I think it was his drinking that turned me off to alcohol at a very young age, unfortunately, my older brother, and my 2 much younger half brothers (from my fathers second marriage) were more or less raised by him, and got the addictive behaviors of him.

I thank my lucky stars, the universe, God, whoever, that I was raised by my mother who didn't drink or use drugs. All 3 of my brothers have addiction problems - the 26 year old is addicted to heroin and more or less lives on the streets of San Francisco, the 18 year old is heavy in to pot and ketamine, then my 50 year old brother (the one I kicked out) with crack - and all 3 are alcoholics - though my older brother doesn't drink anymore because of bleeding ulcers.

I know that legally I could be made to keep my brother here, but I'm hoping it doesn't come to that. He didn't spend the night on the street or sleeping in the car, he supposedly stayed with a woman he met from AA meetings, but I don't know how much I believe thats where he met her. It doesn't matter though, I cannot let him back here - period. If I am forced to legally, I don't know what I'll do - I know I'm right morally though.

Thank you all for listening and giving feedback/support.

Whatsit

I don't know how you can legally be required to let your brother stay in your house. Depending on the laws in your state, you may have to go through due process and evict him on the basis that you found drugs and paraphernalia. He might not want you to do that, since that would land him in jail.

Depending on the laws in your state, you and your husband could be charged with aiding and abetting or obstructing justice if you don't throw him out, and you are putting yourselves and your father in danger in the event that his dealer comes looking for him.

Your safety and sanity come first.

bigbrosKeeper

@cynical one, I am not ready to take that step - my husband is, but he also knows and understands that I just am not prepared to do that. Though he (my husband) did say if my dad didn't stop with the verbal assaults, he would do it. This morning was rough, but things have calmed down a bit - at least on that situation. I'm not sure if my father is behaving out of pity, but I'll take the respite regardless.

I have had to have 2 of my cats put down within the last 10 days (one was done tonight), needless to say, my stress level is pretty high right now as with the one that we had to send to the rainbow bridge tonight, we were not prepared for as she was young (5 years old), and up till last week, acting perfectly healthy. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to us, her abdomen was full of an inoperable/incurable cancer My baby we lost last week we were kind of prepared for, as he had been faltering for a while and was feline aids positive, so we always knew we were on borrowed time. I am a bit numb right now.

Hanna

You are surely going through some awful things. So glad you found SR because m the support here can help you get through this painful time.

What you did with respect to your brother was the right thing.

It may be time to look into options for your Dad. HUD housing, or other assistance with a new place to live, perhaps? It could be healthier for him as well as you and your husband.

Sunshine2

Your father does not understand what your brother requires to get better. If you are forced to give your brother 30 days notice, you could always let the police know about the drugs and he can spend his notice period in jail.

chicory

Bigbroskeeper,

I am so sorry for all you are going through, it must be very hard. Letting your little furbabies go is not easy to deal with, and I wish you peace. You did well in caring for them and making their journey to the Bridge as safe and painless as possible. my sympathies to you, and a big hub.

I understand your situation and I applaud you for taking a strong stand, and taking care of yourself, your family and home. and overall, the best thing that you could do for your brother. That took courage and strength. Stay strong, and as others said, he is not going to want to go to the police and let them in on what his problems are.

HopefulmomtoD

I'd say your father has a lot of nerve, lol. He's living in your house and thinks he can tell you what to do ? You are in a tough spot, but did the right thing about your brother. No one has to live in their own home being abused nor exposed to drugs/addict behavior.

EJG123

I'm sorry for your situation and I hope your dad gets over it sooner rather than later. Maybe you can distance yourself until he calms down.