EverHopeful721

I'm new here and not sure I even belong. I wish I could say 'my boyfriend,' but I can't even call him that because he would never put a label on what we were. So since we weren't in a 'committed' relationship, that's why I feel awkward about posting. I just happen to be a person who is in love with an addict. Here's my story...

For the last 16 mths, I have been involved with a man who I felt sure was 'the one' for me. He's a friend of my brother's, so I've basically known him for 20 yrs (We never talked much, but we crushed on each other as kids, I've always thought fondly of him as an adult, etc.) My brother had mentioned that this guy had dabbled in cocaine in the past, but then again, so had my brother. But my brother didn't seem to think it was a major problem, even though he hadn't really seen or talked to his friend in recent years. Long story short, we went out and it was fireworks from the beginning - I fell head over heels for him right from the start and I made it clear that I wanted to try a relationship with him, that I'd rather try and have it not work than never try and always wonder.

Now, he lost both his parents within 2 months of each other 2 years ago, around the holidays and his birthday and understandably, he has not been able to recover from their passing. I got involved with him 10 months later, right before the 1-year anniversaries hit. And two months later was when I found out that he was very much using cocaine, probably moreso since his parents passed. But he's a fully functioning addict - holds down a job (he's a workaholic), has a house, follows a strict exercise regime - and he told me he only gets messed up on the weekends, but then is ready to go for the work week on Monday. Oh, and he had gotten a DUI right before I met him.

So we started seeing each other on a pretty regular basis and everything seemed to be going well - he even told me he loved me after 8 months and he absolutely knew that I was in love with him. He never asked to borrow money off of me, even though I offered because he always said he got so behind in his bills due to costs for his parents' medical care and then both funerals, etc. It never occurred to me that his cocaine habit could also be contributing to his money problems because he didn't seem to have a 'problem.' Like I said, he's fully functional.

However, this past December, his behavior turned very erratic and irrational, the few times I've seen him since then, his behavior was very standoffish. I've done research on the signs/symptoms of cocaine addiction and now it's all starting to make sense - the agitation, loss of appetite, awake and pacing during the night but then 'crashing' most of the day Sunday, nausea, cold sweats, telling me he feels like he can't breathe, mood swings, etc. The last time I saw him 6 weeks ago, he actually ended up asking me to leave after sex, but then told me not to take it personally, that it was him and he couldn't even explain it if he wanted to (and he started getting very agitated and confrontational, basically yelling at me). And I was like, well let me just sleep on your couch (I've done it before), it's the middle of the night, why are you acting like this?? And he told me he just wanted to be alone, didn't want anyone there when he woke up the next morning, that this is who he's become, someone who wants to be alone and it is what it is. But then he told me he still loves me and when I asked, "How can you say you love me when you're acting like this?" he started yelling "I'm not going to talk about this with you, I'm not getting into this right now" (that's his MO when he wants to avoid talking about anything serious with me) and then proceeded to start yelling at me to "Get the f*** out of his house" and "What don't you understand about please leave my house now??" that he just wanted to go smoke some weed and be alone. So I left.

I got a nice apology text from him a few days later saying that there was no excuse for his behavior, he didn't really remember much from that night, but he had been working a lot, no sleep and lots of alcohol (of course he just blames alcohol - never mentions the cocaine that he always does with the alcohol). So I wrote back that it was okay, I knew he didn't mean for it to sound the way it did and wasn't trying to purposely hurt me. So a few days later I sent a really positive text about wanting to see him and move past what happened, etc. No response. And it's not unusual for him to blow off some of my texts or for 2, 3 or 4 weeks to go by without hearing from him. That's the way he's been from the beginning and I conditioned myself to accept it (I know, I know - warning signs). So I let 5 weeks go by and texted again, asking how he was, that I care and I'm trying. And he sent back one of his nice texts with a smiley face, that he was good, but busy with work, etc. - but he didn't ask me over, which was another warning bell. So last Friday, I tried again, came right out and asked if I could see him and the text I got back was "Ummm, well! Been dreading to have to tell ya this but I started seeing someone."

As you can imagine, I was blindsided. I just didn't see this coming and I never responded. I've been crying ever since and I just don't understand what happened?? He knows I love him, how much I care about him and he even told me the last time I saw him that he still loves me!! So why did he break it off and so cruelly?? I thought I was safe taking a chance on him, because he always seemed so concerned with not wanting to hurt me. He even promised my brother in the beginning that he wouldn't hurt me, even if it didn't work out. I came right out and asked him the last two times I saw him if he wanted to stop seeing me and he said no, and then this??

I'm not even sure if there is another woman, or if he just knew that was the only way he could get me to stay away for good. Because I'm the one person in his life who doesn't use and who really loves him - all his 'friends' are users and they all hang out with him in a dive bar that is known for drug activity. I'm so afraid that he's on a self-destructive course and that something terrible is going to happen to him, but what can I do? He doesn't want me and I keep beating myself up, saying that maybe if I hadn't made it so easy for him, made him chase me instead of always dropping everything at the chance to be with him, or if I had stood up to him or opened my mouth instead of letting things go, maybe this wouldn't have happened. But he always kept me guessing, I never knew what the right thing to do was and I always felt like I was messing up with him, like the more I loved him, the more he resented me for it. And everyone keeps telling me, it's the cocaine, that's what it does, he's not even thinking clearly - but it doesn't help my broken heart. I just don't know if I can let him go, even though that's clearly what he wants. And everyone's saying, you're better off, you don't want to get involved with that, but how do I tell my heart that?? I love him and if I thought I could help him, I would. But he won't even admit he has a problem and has made it clear he doesn't want anything to do with me. The pain is so sharp that it takes my breath away - that's why I called off of work today, because I just couldn't drag myself out of bed and face the world today. It hasn't even been a week and there's a part of me that's praying I'll hear from him, but I doubt I ever will. That's it, its just over and I don't know how to pick up the pieces and move on. I feel like the tears will never stop...

I'm so sorry to go on and on, but it comforts me to see other posts on here and realize that I'm not the only one. Anyway, thank you for listening.

EnglishGarden

So many of us here have been where you are, and you will find no judgement here.

Try to hang on while all this pain passes through you. Take hot baths with epsom and sea salts, drink a lot of water, ask a friend to sit with you, take tea and crackers and some fruit.

Knowing he is a cocaine addict does not take away your pain and devastation. Yes, it is the inevitable outcome of relationship with an active cocaine addict: being forced out, one way or another, of his life. But knowing this information does not dissolve the pain.

When we have never known or experienced the level of cruelty addicts are capable of, it hits something very deep in us, some part of us that was innocent is completely destroyed. We are never the same. But that is Life as it really is: there is real darkness and it can come into our lives from the most unexpected places. When it does, it can quickly bring us to our knees.

But you will survive this. You will be changed by it, but you will survive. If in time you can reflect on this experience and see what lesson in it there may have been which you very much needed to learn, it will help you accept it as a necessary step in your growth. Those of us here who have been working on our betterment and growth look at our relationships with destructive people and we learn something about ourselves we needed to know and to change. We were never responsible for the abuses we suffered. But our choices were often influenced by old childhood wounds, or we made assumptions about people's motives which were based on our own projections and not on reality. And we had to look at ourselves over time and reflect.

We are glad you found SR and you can take strength from the many people here who will support you as you get well.

He will not tomorrow be any different than today. He is in active addiction and it's working for him. There is nothing but pain in his direction.

AnvilheadII

I made it clear that I wanted to try a relationship with him, that I'd rather try and have it not work than never try and always wonder.

you did try and it didn't work out. i'm very sorry for the pain you must feel right now. it's impossible to have a relationship with someone who doesn't want to have a relationship with us. he's a troubled individual with issues not the least of which is a drug problem. and a DUI.

it's not you. it's him. i know that's hard to comprehend right now, but give yourself some time. as you said it was never a committed relationship, at least for him. he's moved onto another uncommitted situation.

you deserve better.

EverHopeful721

Thank you, EG, for your very supportive response. It really hit home, and I appreciate the feedback.

You mentioned about the lesson I was meant to learn from this. That's what kills me - I prayed to God so many times, please don't let him be a tough life lesson for me, that I didn't understand the purpose of taking someone I had always thought highly of, who if I saw him on the street, I could hug him hello and ask how he's doing, someone my family has always thought of as an honest and genuine person and then have him turn out to be the opposite. I don't understand the purpose of that, why would God bring us together again after all these years, to have me think I've found the love of my life only to have that love cruelly ripped away??

I thought I was supposed to be the one to help him pick up the pieces after his parents passed, to show him that he can still have a happy life. I thought if I loved him enough that I could get through to him, if I showed him that after all of the pain and heartache he's endured in his life, someone actually cares and wants him to be truly happy, that he would want that for himself. But as you said, EG, he is in active addiction and at least for right now, it's working for him. And even if he really does love me, he doesn't love me enough to choose me over cocaine or his friends who use.

And also, as you said, the level of cruelty that he has resorted to, it has destroyed an innocent piece of me. I never believed he, of all people, would treat me like this, that even if it didn't work out, we would end it with the same level of respect for each other that we started with, and especially in light of our long history. But it's like he's not even the same person, like he's a Jekyll and Hyde. And whether he realizes it or not, he's also severed any ties of friendship that he had with my two older brothers, because of the way he ended it.

And what makes it even more confusing, is that he threw himself a big birthday party at the bar around Christmas and didn't invite me, but invited my brother. He never even mentioned the party to me, but must have known I'd find out. (That's when major warning bells started going off for me.) So my brother ended up not going, especially after he found out I knew nothing about it. Then, I found out on Friday after he dumped me, that he was just in my other brother's tattoo shop a few days earlier and made an appointment for tomorrow to get a tattoo touched up. Does he really think my brother is going to do his tattoo now and even more, why would you want someone whose sister you just dumped so badly to come near you with a needle gun?? It's just really got me confused and is sending off all kinds of warning bells that something is not right with him.

Now, it could be that he wanted to break it off with me a few months ago, but didn't have the guts to do it himself, so was going to approach the brother he was friends with about doing it for him and then when that brother didn't go to the party, he decided to approach my other brother, but in the meantime, just did it himself and maybe won't even show up tomorrow. But if he does show up, doesn't that show very irrational behavior/thinking?? You can't help but wonder if he actually wants to get beat up or yelled at because he feels so worthless and that he deserves it for treating me the way he did and is just on that path of self-destruction... Or maybe he wants to plead his case to someone to make them understand why he broke it off the way he did, but my brothers want nothing to do with him now and even said that he should be telling that to me, not them. And that's the thing, I gave him several opportunities to break it off right to my face and he never took them. Yes, it would have hurt and I would have cried and maybe he couldn't handle that, but the way he did it not only hurt me, it was like adding insult to injury, like I never mattered, like he never meant any of the things he said to me, just used me and tossed me aside when he was done. How does a person who everyone vouched for as being a stand-up, trustworthy guy suddenly turn into a person who would do that to someone who only ever wanted to love him and make him happy??

I am just so utterly confused and I'm having so much trouble wrapping my head around this. But thank you again, EG, for your kind words. Through SR, I feel like I have found a place of acceptance and support, which I so desperately need right now.

pianogirl1193

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It just hurts my heart to haer your story! I can relate in many ways to your story. I am just going through my first real breakup of my life though lol and so I don't really have much advice! Breakups are horrible no matter what. (I know you said you guys weren't technically "dating"...but you kind of were right? just without the label...)

It's so hard to move on and let go of the hopes and dreams you had with that person...but i really do think it is in your best interest. Don't think about i being 'forever' or the future too much...take things one day at a time. Just for today, know that you will survive. Do something nice for yourself. Since my breakup with my addict, I have been doing a lot of soul searching and self-discovery. Why did i let myself to be treated that way? It sounds like this man was nice to you some of the time but seriously, kicking you out of his place right after sex for no reason except that he wants to be alone and smoke weed? Is that how you want to be treated? You deserve love and respect, at all times. He just couldn't give you what you needed.

Do not blame yourself!!! Nothing you could have done would've prevented this. He is an addict. This is what addicts do. It has nothing to do with you really. You didn't cause it, you cant cure it, and you cant control it. Hammer that into your brain. It really is true. There is nothing you can do to change or protect him now..so all that really is left is you. How can you work on yourself to make you a better, healthier person?

I hope i gave you some things to think about. Again I am so sorry for your pain!!! Keep coming here to get support or just vent..it's a great place.

pianogirl1193

Again, there is a lot of irrational thinking there. Have you ever heard of the book "Women Who Love Too Much"? I just began reading it and it seems like something you would really benefit from...I'd encourage you to look into it!

EnglishGarden

If you haven't yet read the "Sticky" titled "What Addicts Do" on the opening page, please take a look at that. It will help a bit.

And on the blue bar at the top of the page, click "Blogs" then enter "Cynical One". One of our forum members posted a selection of excellent articles on relationships with addicts, addiction, codependency, etc. and if you read some of those, you will perhaps see there is a kind of syndrome, a pattern, which occurs in relationships involving addiction and this may help ease your confusion and shock.

I know just what you mean about resisting with all one's heart the notion that the person you love might be in your life as a lesson, and a very painful one. Praying it will not be so.

I think that what my painful experiences with addicts finally led me to know is how sacred is one's personal life, how sacred is one's home and family, and how great is our responsibility in choosing whom we invite in. I value the peace and security of my most intimate life today as never before.

Please do call a friend to come and sit with you if you feel too alone. That's what I always do when I am in emotional pain.

Let it go about him and the brothers and the why and wherefores. Addicts do not make choices from the higher brain, but from the primitive brain. And this means no empathy, no compassion, no conscience.

As was said above, you deserve better.

EverHopeful721

Thank you, AnvilheadII, for your words and support. You are right that it's hard to accept that it's him and not me. And yes, I was committed to him from the beginning, but now that I find out there's apparently someone else, I have to wonder whether or not that hasn't been happening the whole time... And yes, I tried to have a relationship with him, but he never really gave it an honest try. So again, how can you have a relationship with someone who doesn't want one with you? Even though he professed to me at the beginning that he didn't want to make me into a booty call, if I'm honest with myself, that's really what he essentially did the whole time. He never had any intention of trying at a relationship with me. Even the way he said "I'm starting to see someone." He didn't say "I'm seeing someone ELSE." To me, that says, "I'm seeing someone now, and that's not what I was doing with you. You were just sex." God, the signs were just all right in front of me, but I was so blind and dumb enough to believe him when he said he loved me...

EverHopeful721

Thank you, pianogirl, and I'm so sorry you are in a similar situation. Yes, I thought we were dating without the label, apparently he felt otherwise. I have been asked the same thing by a lot of people - Why do you feel you don't deserve to be treated better? Why are you willing to sacrifice your own happiness and what you want to satisfy someone else's immediate need/desire? And every time they ask, I don't have an answer - I don't know why. So I'm thinking of seeing a therapist to try to find the answer and to help me realize that, as AnvilheadII said, it was him, not me. I'm starting to see that while I gave everything to him, he gave me nothing in return. The second to the last time I went over, the only way I could get him to agree to see me was if I promised to 'not talk.' I mean, I could talk, say hello, whatever, but I had to promise to not talk about us or our relationship or anything he didn't want to talk about. And don't get me wrong, he never twisted my arm, I could have said no, but I wanted to see him, to be with him, even if only for an hour. I let him use me, so how can I blame him for doing so? But I really, really appreciate your words, and you have definitely given me some food for thought. And I am going to get that book, because that's always been me - I love too much, I get attached too easily, I romanticize the situation instead of seeing it for what it is and paying attention to the warning signs rather than brushing them off. And I don't know why or how to change that. Funny thing is, I have no problem standing up for other people and if it was one of my friends or family in my situation, I would have no problem giving them the same advice all you wonderful people have given me. But I just have a problem standing up for myself and believing that I deserve to be treated as well and as lovingly as I treat everyone else.

pianogirl1193

I am glad you are thinking about those things and considering seeing a therapist. I've been seeing a therapist for a long time now and I find it really helpful just to have someone to talk to. These things are important not only in this relationship but they will be important in future relationships also, so it is important that you work through those questions like you said. Keep thinking and posting! You are doing great.

EverHopeful721

EG, I read "What Addicts Do" last night right after I joined, and it really hit home. It was blunt but honest and it really opened my eyes to the behavior/thought process of an addict. I also read the one about 10 Signs It's Time to Go or something like that and a number of them clicked with me. I will check out those articles, as well.

As much as I want to believe he hasn't been a lesson, I'm fearing more and more that he was. I don't have any hope of hearing from him again, and I'm fighting the urge to reach out to him to say, hey, I know you have a demon on your back, but if and when you're ready to knock him off, I'll be here for you, but I'm afraid of further rejection and of sending him a signal that it's okay to continue to treat me like this. Plus, he won't even admit that he has a problem, so for me to send that message will just send him further into denial.

And you were right about making decisions from the primitive brain and no conscience, EG. My brother just called and told me that he got a text message from him excitedly confirming his tattoo appointment tomorrow - he's actually planning on showing up. I'm just shocked....it is finally sinking in that he doesn't care about what he did, how he used me and tossed me aside when he was done, lying to me the whole time. He doesn't care now and he never did, and he obviously is not thinking clearly to believe that my brother would be okay with his sister being treated like dirt and then still do his tattoo. Again, I'm just....speechless.

EverHopeful721

And now my anger is starting to set in. I've spent the whole day crying my eyes out over him, and here he is, going on about his life, not giving me a second thought! After his text breaking it off with me and no response from me, he never even bothered to text me again to say look, I'm really sorry I hurt you, are you okay?

Honestly, I have to admit that many times the thought went through my head, if something happened to me, if I was seriously hurt or died, would he even care?? Or would he just say, oh, that's a shame, she was a cool girl, we had some good times and then move on to the next one?? And again, I know that I should have paid attention to the signs and I feel embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I just let myself be used. If I'm wondering on a regular basis whether or not he would care if I was seriously or fatally injured or wondering why he could never call me when he was sober, then why did I keep going back?? It's like he was my drug or something. I knew this wasn't normal behavior, knew he was an addict and had a very dysfunctional background....he even told me that his last girlfriend, who dumped him right after both his parents died, told him that he "wasn't in the relationship with her." And as much as I wanted to villify her, saying she was a horrible person for leaving someone in a time of such dire need, I knew deep down that she was right. And maybe all the girls who've left him have seen the same thing. It's like he's emotionally stunted or something, like he doesn't know what to do with a good woman. He always painted himself as the victim, and bleeding heart that I am, I ate it right up. But he's the common denominator in all of this, so you have to start wondering...

And I don't mean to belittle what he has suffered in his life, because it's been a lot. But we all have baggage and are damaged in different ways and he just wasn't strong enough to deal with it, I guess, so he turned to drugs and alcohol at an early age, and with encouragement from his family and friends, to block it out and not have to deal with it.

And here he is, sending my brother a happy little text saying, "Looks like the bad weather was cancelled and I'm going to be able to keep my appointment tomorrow - wooo hooo!!!" Really?? Wooo hooo?? I know EG said they have no empathy, no compassion, no conscience and I've read other things, such as "What Addicts Do" which confirm this, but it just still blows my mind... He literally is just going on with his life, not giving me a second thought, and I'm here missing work and crying my eyes out - it's so unfair and it makes me so angry!

And now I'm half-afraid that I will hear from him after my brother texts him to not bother showing up for his appointment, but he will be hateful and accuse me of running to my brothers and telling them what happened. And I do feel like I'm breaking my word to him, because I told him in the beginning that this was between him and me, that it didn't have anything to do with my brothers and that if it didn't work out, I wasn't going to run to them and tell them what happened. But I meant if it didn't work out and we ended it the right way, with respect for each other - not the way he did it. And he knew that because he was the one who was so concerned in the beginning about the long history and friendship between our families and not wanting to ruin that. So what, did he want me to be loyal to him and lie about what he did, keep his dirty little secret from my brothers while he's free to lie about loving me and not wanting to hurt me? And I'm sorry, but unlike him, my family bands together and after feeling like he ripped my heart out of my chest, I was distraught and instinctively called my brothers to tell them what happened because I needed comfort from people who I know love me.

And I know I'm trying to rationalize the actions of a drug addict, and I apologize if it seems that it hasn't sunk in that there is no logic to their thoughts or actions... It's like on one hand, I know it but on the other, I can't understand it and feel the need to try to make sense out of it.

Not sure what I should do if he sends me an angry/nasty text... Part of me wants to use it as a chance to try to get through to him one last time, and part of me (the angry part that is now rearing its head) wants to lash out and say, well guess you're not the only one who can lie to people - you lied about loving me and not wanting to hurt me, I lied about not going to my brothers, how's it feel?? I'm already feeling very stressed and anxious about what tomorrow will bring...perhaps nothing. I just don't want to get an upsetting text from him while I'm at work, in case I fall apart.

Sorry for venting again, but thanks for listening.

EnglishGarden

If you need feedback, support as matters evolve....just post here and you will find people in recovery who can offer you good suggestions.

In recovery we learn that addicts hear what we do, not what we say. To have a conversation with an active addict in order to influence his thinking or his feelings is a futile act which will lead to disappointment and pain.

Many here will tell you that you have no influence on his thinking or his behavior and will never have influence. Addicts change their lives when they find themselves in a profound state of utter despair and crushing, absolute hopelessness. Losing a girlfriend is not usually a hard bottom for an addict. Losing close friends or family contact or reputation usually has no effect. In fact, from what I understand of addiction, an addict enters recovery and a new way of life only after a long series of painful failures and humiliations, when life has become so unbearable that he feels he has no choice but to seek recovery or to die. The founder of AA, Bill W., has written much on this dark night of the soul.

So as much as you wish to express yourself, to defend yourself, to this person, to do so will likely bring you no reward.

We also have found among our stories that it is very common for the addict to circle back, to show up again, weeks, months, years after the break-up, asking for a new go at relationship. It often happens just when we are back on our feet again and feeling we are over him. Then there he is at the door. One writer/counselor calls this "addict radar."

Your hopes may rise a bit, reading of this possibility, but please be aware that you will be stepping right back on the same rollercoaster with him and going yet again through the same kind of pain you feel tonight, if he has no long-term recovery (minimum one year). So do remember, SR is here. Al-Anon meetings are everywhere. You will do best if you get your head straight by connecting with people in recovery who know more about the dangers, should he loop back.

For now, it is best to stay away.

noanxtime

Hi behavior can be attributed somewhat to being an addict, however it applies just the same to someone who is just a genuine a$$hole.

RevivingOphelia

I am very surprised you are so surprised.

I feel terrible about your hurt, but really? A guy doesn't text you back for weeks (and this happened more than once?). Any man that is interested goes above and beyond to make a woman KNOW they are wanted. His not responding you says everything--uninterested in having a relationship with you.

Beyond the addiction, don't let someone treat you like this. Don't want someone who couldn't be bothered with you and doesn't reciprocate your feelings through actions.

Be strong.

bunkie65

Dear everhopeful;

I m so very sorry for the hurt your experiencing. No break up ever feels good espically one that is "one sided"! And when you add the heartache of addiction and codependency in the mix it feels almost unbareable!

The best experience I can share with you about loving an addict is get yourself involved in a 12 step nar anon or alanon program! This is what brought about life changing experience for me! It has allowed me to live and love with the ability to accept live on lifes terms! Understanding addiction as best as one can teaches us how to love ourselfs and the addict without being an enabler and taking care of ourself even if they continue to use! How to let go and let god, how to detach with love and find peace and serenity!
There is nothing wrong with loving someone and wanting a relationship with someone we love. It is more imporftant (in my opinion), to learn how to have a healthy relationship and takes care of our self first. Addiction is confusing and loving someone in active addiction is a very slippery road. Even the strongest of recovery can be and will be tested time and time again if one maintains contact with a active user. That is why so many choose no contact, for their mental, spirtual and emotional heath!

Try some meetings and focous on your well being and learn all you can about you! Give yourself the gift of recovery, from the effects of someone elses using, because it does effect us. I will pray for you and him..

God bless you and guide you

EverHopeful721

Yes, I know, RO. The signs were there in his actions from the beginning that he wasn't interested in having a relationship with me. But what I believed were his words, and then when he would want to see me, he always seemed so happy to see me, his face would light up and it was like no time at all had passed. And this was how he was from the beginning, so I naively chalked it up to him being hurt so many times and now being overly cautious, being a workaholic and always telling me he had to get to bed early to get up for work the next day. And so many people vouched for him to me, saying he's been through so much with his parents passing and being royally screwed over by the last girl....and I just never believed he would ever screw me over because of his friendship with my brother. My brother even said to him in the beginning, "If you're not serious about dating my sister, just say so, don't d*** her over." And he said, "I won't hurt her, even if it doesn't work out." So yes, I was stupid to believe the words and not look at what his actions were telling me. But I also believed him when he told me he had morals and that he would always be honest with me, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I just thought if he really didn't want to be with me, he would just say so, instead of stringing me along. One of my friends and I always thought, if he just wanted sex, he could get that anywhere, that he wouldn't use the sister of a lifelong friend and someone who he seemed so concerned about not hurting, just for sex and certainly not once he knew how I felt about him. But either due to the drugs, and maybe as noanxtime pointed out, also maybe due to just having turned into an a$$**** as an adult, he continued to string me along, because he knew how I felt about him and knew I would always come running when he wanted me to.

Thank you for the words of support. I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that he obviously didn't want a relationship with me and didn't mean anything he said to me, but it's a bitter truth to swallow about someone you always respected and trusted.

EverHopeful721

Thank you, bunkie65. I don't know much about codependency, but from the few things I've seen on here about it, I'm starting to think that I am guilty of it. I'm thinking it's the same thing as being an enabler, but not sure.

My brother said something yesterday that has stuck with me and makes me feel a bit better about the situation. He said, you represent rehab to him. He knew that to ever really be with you, he'd have to go to rehab and that is something he isn't interested in now and probably never will be. He didn't want to have to get clean to be with someone like me, because he already felt that I was too good for him (he told me that once during one of our fights, that I deserve better than him, and now I realize that it was probably one of the few times he actually being truthful with me and really believed what he was saying and I should have believed it instead of stubbornly saying 'That's not true, don't put yourself down like that!!'). I always felt his reluctance to be in a full-fledged relationship with me was due to him believing he wasn't good enough for me, because we grew up in two different worlds and his life has been nothing but one painful experience after another. So everyone who tells me that he's comfortable staying down in that painful, dysfunctional world because it's safe, comfortable and all he's ever known is absolutely right. I represent sobriety and the unknown and even if he thought in the beginning that he could give it a try, he obviously changed his mind along the way and decided to stay right where he is.

I don't believe I will ever hear from him again, or that he will circle back around to me. I think I was something that he knew he could never have permanently, yet he couldn't resist enjoying it for as long as he could. And even though I will always be sad for what could have been and that he wasn't strong enough or willing to explore that with me, there's nothing I can do but let him go and move on with my life. And like you, bunkie65, I will also be praying for him.

Fandy

This man had sex with you and then asked you to leave his bed and house in the middle of the night...HOW RUDE IS THIS BEHAVIOR??? don't allow anyone to treat you this way. Pity the poor woman he has picked up now, because i will bet the farm he does it again.

Kick him to the curb and relax...He doesn't deserve you. Learn to love and RESPECT yourself, you will have a better relationship with a good normal person soon....really, this guy sounds like a big self-centered jerk, don't waste your time trying to figure his selfish head out. boo-hoo, poor him, he probably plays this game of the "tortured soul" with every woman.

you have a loving family and can move forward when you see things in a different light.

EverHopeful721

Thank you so much, Fandy. Your words made me feel better and actually made me smile for the first time about the situation.

Yes, if it's someone new, it will not be long before she finds out what he's all about. But I think it's actually one of his exes from a long time ago, who happens to work at the bar where he hangs out and uses all the time. So if it's her, between having been with him before and being well aware of the drug activity that takes place in that bar, she is probably either willing to turn a blind eye to it or she engages in the same behavior. The sad thing is, she has a son and I would think she'd put the wellbeing of him ahead of her own wants and needs, but I guess not. One thing is for certain - he is not going to walk away from a 20+ year cocaine habit for anyone. From what I understand, sometimes he'll ease up on it, start eating again and taking better care of himself, but he always comes back to it. And yes, when I think of what my future would consist of if he had wanted to stay with me....just nothing but pain, darkness and negativity. And that is not, nor has ever been, who I am. I've lost myself somewhere along the way after getting divorced, but I'm determined to find that strong, happy woman again.

It's funny you mentioned about it all being about him and his 'tortured soul' and that's what made me smile. He does play the victim role very well and since I'm the type of person who always feels bad for people and wants to help make it better, he dished it out and I ate it right up. My brother has told me that that's how this guy's always been - it's always about him and his problems and how bad life has treated him. But he never cared to ask about my past, my problems, etc. He was always too busy lamenting about his own miserable life.

I thank God for my family and friends, as well as all of the new wonderful people I've met on SR. You guys here on SR don't even know me, yet out of the goodness of your hearts, care enough to try to help me through this, and I am so grateful for that.