Heartbroken and Confused
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Location: NJ
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he is taking up WAY TOO MUCH SPACE and TIME in your head...close the door and open a window for some fresh air and attitude. who CARES about his old/new GF??? poor choices for both of them....spending every night in a bar, how sad is that?
His "gasp, I am the victim, poor me"! game is old and annoying..He is NOT the only person in the world whose parents have died.
I assure you that you CAN and WILL do better. start taking care of YOURSELF, put your wants and needs FIRST....and stop dwelling on this garbage, he is a little frog in a little puddle....you need to get into the OCEAN.
His "gasp, I am the victim, poor me"! game is old and annoying..He is NOT the only person in the world whose parents have died.
I assure you that you CAN and WILL do better. start taking care of YOURSELF, put your wants and needs FIRST....and stop dwelling on this garbage, he is a little frog in a little puddle....you need to get into the OCEAN.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Thank you, Fandy. My mom says the same thing, stop trying to figure out his reasons for doing what he did. The point is that he did it and all I can do is deal with how it affects me and where to go from here. And several people have said the same thing, that it's going on 3 years since his parents passed, and although he can still mourn them and miss them, he's got to get on with his life instead of using it as a crutch to excuse his behavior.
Thank you so much for your wonderful words of strength and encouragement - they make me smile.
Thank you so much for your wonderful words of strength and encouragement - they make me smile.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
So a new, disturbing development.....I think I'm a love addict. I read an article about it on SR last night, and it has bothered me ever since. Mainly because I was already blaming myself, but now even moreso.
What if it wasn't him and his cocaine habit and his commitment issues? What if it was ME the whole time?? What if I drove him away because I loved him too much and he just couldn't take it? I tried to give him his space, never pressured him, let him control when and how often we saw each other....but again, maybe that was just all wrong. Maybe I should have stood up for myself and called him out on things more. But I never wanted to rock the boat with him. He always kept me guessing and I never knew what the right thing to do was.
I mean, part of me realizes that he just never wanted a relationship with me, that he just wanted sex and the signs were all there, even though he was telling me he loved me and that I knew him better than anyone. But the other part of me is saying that it was my fault and if I had handled it differently, maybe he would have wanted to try with me.
This is not a good day for me - my mind is going 100 miles a minute and I feel like I'm going to lose it, that I can't bear the weight of the guilt I feel. I feel like it's ALL MY FAULT.
What if it wasn't him and his cocaine habit and his commitment issues? What if it was ME the whole time?? What if I drove him away because I loved him too much and he just couldn't take it? I tried to give him his space, never pressured him, let him control when and how often we saw each other....but again, maybe that was just all wrong. Maybe I should have stood up for myself and called him out on things more. But I never wanted to rock the boat with him. He always kept me guessing and I never knew what the right thing to do was.
I mean, part of me realizes that he just never wanted a relationship with me, that he just wanted sex and the signs were all there, even though he was telling me he loved me and that I knew him better than anyone. But the other part of me is saying that it was my fault and if I had handled it differently, maybe he would have wanted to try with me.
This is not a good day for me - my mind is going 100 miles a minute and I feel like I'm going to lose it, that I can't bear the weight of the guilt I feel. I feel like it's ALL MY FAULT.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 129
I might respond more later because I don't have a lot of time now but OMG! Do my blame yourself!!! Yes, you may be a love addict. I am finding that I probably am too. After reading that thread I also was like "oh shoot, I answered yes to almost all of those!" So I understand. I just want to say that while you may be a love addict and have self esteem/commitment issues, he is an addict. You are both sick in a way. But you being different wouldn't have made any difference to him. Actually, he probably would've been even less interested because you wouldn't have accepted his bad behavior or enabled him. If you weren't a love addict, you probably would have gotten yourself out of this relationship a long time ago because you knew it wasn't quite right.
What I'm trying to say is that what happened with him is not your fault at all. But, I think this experience gives you a good look at what you need to work on in yourself. I would say that includes learning to love and respect yourself, learning to trust yourself, and learning not to accept unacceptable behavior/treatment from people who are supposed to love you and lift you up.
Hope my response wasn't too confusing haha my thoughts were kind of jumbled!!! Do you journal? Lately I've been journaling a lot and it has really been helping me to process an work through things
What I'm trying to say is that what happened with him is not your fault at all. But, I think this experience gives you a good look at what you need to work on in yourself. I would say that includes learning to love and respect yourself, learning to trust yourself, and learning not to accept unacceptable behavior/treatment from people who are supposed to love you and lift you up.
Hope my response wasn't too confusing haha my thoughts were kind of jumbled!!! Do you journal? Lately I've been journaling a lot and it has really been helping me to process an work through things
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Thank you, PG. I thought the same thing, that we both have our own issues and addictions, so even if we would have continued to enable each other, it never would have been a healthy relationship and that's not what I want in my life.
And you gave me a new perspective on something that I've been struggling with and is tied into my whole "maybe if I had acted differently" hang-up. From what I've heard from different people, most if not all of his other relationships were with women who were either 'psycho' or 'b*tches' (his words) or women who were too demanding, etc. and they always fought. So in my mind, I keep telling myself if I had acted more strongly, not let him get away with stuff, even if it resulted in more fights, maybe he would have wanted to stay, because he's obviously attracted to these kinds of women. But now that I've put it into words, I realize how ridiculous that thinking is... I'm not that kind of woman and why would I want to be? Further, why would I want to be with someone who WANTS that kind of woman/relationship?? I know his parents always fought growing up, he told me they loved each other but they hated each other, and my brother said his mom was kind of a 'psycho,' so I see why he's attracted to these types of women - it's what he knows and what he's comfortable with. The last guy I dated was the same way. But it's not who I am. I'm more the always-smiling/laughing, cheerfully optimistic, doesn't need drugs or alcohol because she's high on life kind of woman. I shouldn't be willing to change myself to try to get someone to love me. As you and everyone else has said, I need to be myself and the right man will love me for who I am. So thank you for that, PG. You've clicked a little lightbulb in my head that says, "Stop being so ridiculous and thinking destructive thoughts like this!!"
And you're probably right, that it would have just ended sooner if I had acted differently. He probably only kept me around as long as he did because I DIDN'T ever say anything about his behavior/habits. And you hit the nail on the head about if I wasn't addicted to loving him so much, I would have gotten out of there a long time ago because I knew it wasn't right. And I can tell you EXACTLY what night that would have been - the night I discovered that he was very much using cocaine. When he pulled that little plastic baggie out of his pocket and I saw the white powder in it, I felt sick to my stomach. I want upstairs to the kitchen while he gave his 'friend' the blow that his friend had asked for, and I thought about just leaving right then and there. I thought to myself, what am I doing?? How did I get involved with someone who uses coke when I NEVER would have in the past?? It's only our third date, I can walk away before I get in too deep. But in the minute it took for those thoughts to race through my head, he came upstairs, grabbed me and gave me MY drug - HIM. And I let him kiss all those warning signals out of my head for good. If only I had left that night....
I don't exactly journal. But before he broke it off with me, in the last month, I started typing letters to him, getting my frustrations out and saying things I had been holding in all these months but knew I would never say to his face. And it did make me feel better. I should keep doing it.
Thank you for this post, PG - it wasn't confusing at all. I can't even tell you how much it helped me to type the part about the night I discovered he was using, to see it in writing - very powerful.
And you gave me a new perspective on something that I've been struggling with and is tied into my whole "maybe if I had acted differently" hang-up. From what I've heard from different people, most if not all of his other relationships were with women who were either 'psycho' or 'b*tches' (his words) or women who were too demanding, etc. and they always fought. So in my mind, I keep telling myself if I had acted more strongly, not let him get away with stuff, even if it resulted in more fights, maybe he would have wanted to stay, because he's obviously attracted to these kinds of women. But now that I've put it into words, I realize how ridiculous that thinking is... I'm not that kind of woman and why would I want to be? Further, why would I want to be with someone who WANTS that kind of woman/relationship?? I know his parents always fought growing up, he told me they loved each other but they hated each other, and my brother said his mom was kind of a 'psycho,' so I see why he's attracted to these types of women - it's what he knows and what he's comfortable with. The last guy I dated was the same way. But it's not who I am. I'm more the always-smiling/laughing, cheerfully optimistic, doesn't need drugs or alcohol because she's high on life kind of woman. I shouldn't be willing to change myself to try to get someone to love me. As you and everyone else has said, I need to be myself and the right man will love me for who I am. So thank you for that, PG. You've clicked a little lightbulb in my head that says, "Stop being so ridiculous and thinking destructive thoughts like this!!"
And you're probably right, that it would have just ended sooner if I had acted differently. He probably only kept me around as long as he did because I DIDN'T ever say anything about his behavior/habits. And you hit the nail on the head about if I wasn't addicted to loving him so much, I would have gotten out of there a long time ago because I knew it wasn't right. And I can tell you EXACTLY what night that would have been - the night I discovered that he was very much using cocaine. When he pulled that little plastic baggie out of his pocket and I saw the white powder in it, I felt sick to my stomach. I want upstairs to the kitchen while he gave his 'friend' the blow that his friend had asked for, and I thought about just leaving right then and there. I thought to myself, what am I doing?? How did I get involved with someone who uses coke when I NEVER would have in the past?? It's only our third date, I can walk away before I get in too deep. But in the minute it took for those thoughts to race through my head, he came upstairs, grabbed me and gave me MY drug - HIM. And I let him kiss all those warning signals out of my head for good. If only I had left that night....
I don't exactly journal. But before he broke it off with me, in the last month, I started typing letters to him, getting my frustrations out and saying things I had been holding in all these months but knew I would never say to his face. And it did make me feel better. I should keep doing it.
Thank you for this post, PG - it wasn't confusing at all. I can't even tell you how much it helped me to type the part about the night I discovered he was using, to see it in writing - very powerful.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 167
Originally Posted by Fandy 
he is taking up WAY TOO MUCH SPACE and TIME in your head...close the door and open a window for some fresh air and attitude. who CARES about his old/new GF??? poor choices for both of them....spending every night in a bar, how sad is that?
His "gasp, I am the victim, poor me"! game is old and annoying..He is NOT the only person in the world whose parents have died.
I assure you that you CAN and WILL do better. start taking care of YOURSELF, put your wants and needs FIRST....and stop dwelling on this garbage, he is a little frog in a little puddle....you need to get into the OCEAN.
His "gasp, I am the victim, poor me"! game is old and annoying..He is NOT the only person in the world whose parents have died.
I assure you that you CAN and WILL do better. start taking care of YOURSELF, put your wants and needs FIRST....and stop dwelling on this garbage, he is a little frog in a little puddle....you need to get into the OCEAN.
Good Evening, Everhopeful, I wanted to stop by and check in. I hope your week-end was great and that you are feeling a little better tonight (Well, I sure hope so!) Anyway, Have a wonderful night,
Sandrine
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Hi, Sandrine and thanks for checking in. My weekend had some 'touchy' moments - was pretty tearful yesterday and a bit today, but it was better than last weekend and that's a start. With each day that passes, I hope to grow a bit stronger, although I know I will still have those moments to deal with. I hope your weekend was wonderful and that you have a great week ahead!!
My weekend had some 'touchy' moments - was pretty tearful yesterday and a bit today, but it was better than last weekend and that's a start. With each day that passes, I hope to grow a bit stronger, although I know I will still have those moments to deal with. I hope your weekend was wonderful and that you have a great week ahead!! Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Hi Everhopeful - I can feel your pain as I read your post. I have read through other members replies to you. The likes of Englishgarden and team write brilliantly and nobody puts it better than Englishgarden's reply to your post. It does not help at all right now - but one day this pain will end. And you will wake up thankful that you are 'out of this relationship'. TRUST me. Perhaps a little thought that can ease the pain - is that you have not been 'dumped' by a beautiful, loving, caring 'best friend' who loves you guy. You have been 'dumped' by an addict. Addiction is cruel and filled with darkness and lies. It will take you down a path you could never have imagined in your darkest nightmares. Believe me! I stayed on that path - listening to everyone here on SR - but believing my addict was unique. That our love was unique (we have been close friends and in a relationship in various degrees for over 15 years!) - but cocaine has shattered our bond/ love / friendship EVERYTHING. The addiction progresses. The lies increase and intensify until you are left doubting everything - and the tragic part - is you begin to doubt yourself. Some of my posts / threads go back July 2012 - but look them up under 'Search' - especially my post "liar, liar, Range Rover on fire'.... read the brilliant advice given to me from everyone here.... as even though I was in a serious relationship with 'H' - what he said to me, the behaviour, is very similar to your story.....
Take it one day at a time... and keep posting and reading here on SR....
Take it one day at a time... and keep posting and reading here on SR....
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Thank you, Lara. It has definitely helped to get so much support and advice from everyone here at SR. I can't even imagine how much harder it would be if I didn't have such a network of people who understand exactly how I feel. Even though I have the support of my family, it's been kind of touchy with one of my brothers, the one who was best friends with him growing up. Although my brother has been supportive overall, there has also been a 'bite' to his words, such as when he tells me that I'm dumb for not seeing the signs in front of my face, for believing words over actions, that I basically 'gave myself over' to him and let him know it was okay to use me sexually, etc. And believe me, I'm not trying to play a 'victim' here. Yes, I did give myself over sexually, because I loved him and for me, sex and love go hand in hand, plus that was what he wanted from me and I wanted to give him whatever he wanted, even if it was at the expense of forfeiting my own wants/needs and lastly, because that was the ONLY area in which he gave himself to me freely, during sex. So maybe I was dumb and blind and naive...but I also loved him and he knew it and manipulated that love to satisfy his own needs. And I know part of my brother's frustration is because he feels bad about what happened, plus he lost a friend (even though they hadn't really hung out in years), but beating me up over it and making me feel like it's all my fault isn't really helping me.
Aside from that, yes I need to remember that this guy is NOT who he used to be, nor as wonderful as I made him out to be in my own head. And I am starting to realize, from reading other posts here, that I am lucky to be getting off this crazy roller coaster ride now, even if it wasn't by my choice.
Lara, I'm so sorry that you've gone through something similar, in a seriously committed relationship, no yet - but it also comforts me to realize I'm not alone. and I will definitely check out your posts. Thank you very much for your kind, supportive words.
Aside from that, yes I need to remember that this guy is NOT who he used to be, nor as wonderful as I made him out to be in my own head. And I am starting to realize, from reading other posts here, that I am lucky to be getting off this crazy roller coaster ride now, even if it wasn't by my choice.
Lara, I'm so sorry that you've gone through something similar, in a seriously committed relationship, no yet - but it also comforts me to realize I'm not alone. and I will definitely check out your posts. Thank you very much for your kind, supportive words.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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because I loved him and for me, sex and love go hand in hand,
well actually no they don't. sex is sex...it can be part of a loving relationship, but it can also just be.....sex. LOVE is way more than that...it's an almost indefinable intimacy that transverses the physical plane. with true healthy love when we GIVE of ourselves, we don't come away less than. healthy love empowers instead of diminishing. each party is equal to the other. neither would ask for nor accept that which the other did not give freely.
so we live and we learn. some lessons are tougher than others. some are downright painful. and can become like an old injury that tells us when we've overdone it.
well actually no they don't. sex is sex...it can be part of a loving relationship, but it can also just be.....sex. LOVE is way more than that...it's an almost indefinable intimacy that transverses the physical plane. with true healthy love when we GIVE of ourselves, we don't come away less than. healthy love empowers instead of diminishing. each party is equal to the other. neither would ask for nor accept that which the other did not give freely.
so we live and we learn. some lessons are tougher than others. some are downright painful. and can become like an old injury that tells us when we've overdone it.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Thank you, AHII for the reminder and much-needed clarification. I will try to remember this.... My morning has gone from feeling numb to a whole flood of emotions washing over me again, as stated in my 'venting' thread. Having a tough time right now, but will try to find my way back to my path of recovery as soon as I can. Thank you for the support.
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