Enabling and entangled

Old 02-26-2013, 11:21 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Enabling and entangled

I saw my ex yesterday. He couldn't order Video on demand from his cable company because his bill was overdue. I knew his bill was overdue, not just his cable bill in fact but hydro, phone and credit card as well. He asked me to write cheques to pay all those and even though I had told myself I wouldn't do it again I grabbed his cheque book and the pile of mail, went through it all and wrote the cheques.
It is his money. He is well-off. He is just very dysfunctional and dyslexic.
(And a heroin addict though he is possibly clean right now)

Now our agreement is that I can use a secondary credit card to pay for groceries and for things for our daughter. If the credit card is maxed out than I guess I lose that. I could try to get child support but honestly he gives me more than I would get.

I keep wondering how wrong is it for me to do this for him.
I guess it feels kind of wrong but at the same time it doesn't seem like that
big a deal.
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Old 02-27-2013, 01:09 AM
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Join Date: May 2012
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I don’t think it is a big deal helping him make out his bills, unless it is a big deal to you. I mean is it enabling? Its not enabling drug use, or deviant behavior. But, I guess it really depends on how far down you want to drill. If your thinking its enabling him to avoid adult responsibilities, or facing an issue regarding coping with his dyslexia, etc.

I know you are not living together at present, but you do share a daughter. I think because of that you will always have your lives entwined to some degree. Often in relationships one person will handle specific duties maybe because they enjoy it more than the other person, or they are just more efficient at it, etc. The ideal is that both people know what is going on, and can handle whatever comes along on their own if need be. The proverbial “getting hit by a bus” scenario.

It sounds like the financial situation is however mutual. He is providing you with resources above what would be deemed appropriate if it was handled through the courts. And in return, you are helping him in weaker areas. Just do what feels right for you, and dont overthink and drive yourself crazy.
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