i am a mess
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 95
i am a mess
my friend encourage me to go NC, i did for one week to start with. begining was ok, i didnt bother, read some books, relax. but at the end i end up feeling like a total crap. crying, thinking and crying again. so i called him after one week and he... turned off his phone. and it made me just more depressed.
i feel like a total mess, it just realise me how badly codependent i am, tho i thought i can deal with it. and i dont knwo what to do now, again
i feel like a total mess, it just realise me how badly codependent i am, tho i thought i can deal with it. and i dont knwo what to do now, again
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I am sorry, that is why no contact is so very important. All you can do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward.
Reread Codependent No More. And perhaps these books: Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwwod, Codependency Recovery by Robert Burney and Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody.
Do something special for you today, you deserve it!
Reread Codependent No More. And perhaps these books: Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwwod, Codependency Recovery by Robert Burney and Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody.
Do something special for you today, you deserve it!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by stucna 
my friend encourage me to go NC, i did for one week to start with. begining was ok, i didnt bother, read some books, relax. but at the end i end up feeling like a total crap. crying, thinking and crying again. so i called him after one week and he... turned off his phone. and it made me just more depressed.
i feel like a total mess, it just realise me how badly codependent i am, tho i thought i can deal with it. and i dont knwo what to do now, again
i feel like a total mess, it just realise me how badly codependent i am, tho i thought i can deal with it. and i dont knwo what to do now, again
sorry you are feeling so down today. Cant find a Big Hug Smiley face, but this one is sort of, I have no idea what it is, but maybe it will make you smile for a second...
Are you still out of town with your family and friends?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Everywhere
Posts: 28
I have my moments of weakness as well! I've only been out of the relationship for a week. I do NOT want to look back. I do believe I need help though. Does anyone know if Nar-Anon meetings cost money? I looked into one place where I went with him to his drug counseling meeting one time and it costs $50 dollars a session.. Yikes.. I pay my own bills and such! Not sure what to do!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Stucna,
Part of this is your pain from being treated in a hateful way. It shocks, it hurts, and it confuses us, for we have also had loving moments with the addict and we just cannot make sense of the sharp shift, from kindness to cruelty. It knocks us off our feet.
And part of it is what can happen when we go no-contact: sometimes all that does is set us up, we watch the hours tick by, the days go by, and we ask, "Why hasn't he contacted me, to make things right, to save the relationship?" We lose our power, we give him power and control, and believe me, he enjoys having power. Addicts get a high from dominating other people. He's busy chasing the drug high, but when the girlfriend he abused calls him up crying and needy, he gets a buzz off that, too.
Take the long view. Tell yourself this is addiction you are dealing with, it is dark and poisonous to life, and tell yourself that you are going to stay away from it for now. Just for now. You will step back, take a deep breath and the long view, and you will no longer try to control or maneuver this situation because it is addiction and you are no match for that.
Every day make a decision to get healthy and to leave the rest up to your Higher Power. These stories with addicts are never a straight line and some of these stories have twists and turns that go on for years.
But it is always your choice to get healthy, to carefully select what kind of people you invite into your life, and to develop to your highest potential.
Stay away from the addict. He is not seeking a relationship right now. It gets in his way.
You are going to make it through this. It is painful and exhausting for you. But every day you must choose which way you will go: so do all you can to get well.
Part of this is your pain from being treated in a hateful way. It shocks, it hurts, and it confuses us, for we have also had loving moments with the addict and we just cannot make sense of the sharp shift, from kindness to cruelty. It knocks us off our feet.
And part of it is what can happen when we go no-contact: sometimes all that does is set us up, we watch the hours tick by, the days go by, and we ask, "Why hasn't he contacted me, to make things right, to save the relationship?" We lose our power, we give him power and control, and believe me, he enjoys having power. Addicts get a high from dominating other people. He's busy chasing the drug high, but when the girlfriend he abused calls him up crying and needy, he gets a buzz off that, too.
Take the long view. Tell yourself this is addiction you are dealing with, it is dark and poisonous to life, and tell yourself that you are going to stay away from it for now. Just for now. You will step back, take a deep breath and the long view, and you will no longer try to control or maneuver this situation because it is addiction and you are no match for that.
Every day make a decision to get healthy and to leave the rest up to your Higher Power. These stories with addicts are never a straight line and some of these stories have twists and turns that go on for years.
But it is always your choice to get healthy, to carefully select what kind of people you invite into your life, and to develop to your highest potential.
Stay away from the addict. He is not seeking a relationship right now. It gets in his way.
You are going to make it through this. It is painful and exhausting for you. But every day you must choose which way you will go: so do all you can to get well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 95
Thanks Daisydoc 
i have to go back to London on thursday and i really dont want to right now. as reality is not helpfull as well my friend called me couple days ago that shes got room for me, so i wont be homeless anymore, yay. the thing is this room is awesome, but its in the same building he is working in. so he will be behind the wall all the time.
i always wanted to travel and my friend texting me everyday now to go to him to... australia. i really want to!
EnglishGarden thanks so much. thats so true. things changed so fast that i just not getting it, one day he told me he loves me and never want to lose me, next day he told me off. i cant even describe how lost i feel now. Seriosuly everything happened in 3 weeks time! its pretty ironic. he was trying so much when i didnt know about addiction and when he told me, said he will work on it and... he got into i dont care about anything mode.
no matter how much i learn about addiction, his behaviour is so irrational that it still suprise me.
i have to go back to London on thursday and i really dont want to right now. as reality is not helpfull as well my friend called me couple days ago that shes got room for me, so i wont be homeless anymore, yay. the thing is this room is awesome, but its in the same building he is working in. so he will be behind the wall all the time.
i always wanted to travel and my friend texting me everyday now to go to him to... australia. i really want to!
EnglishGarden thanks so much. thats so true. things changed so fast that i just not getting it, one day he told me he loves me and never want to lose me, next day he told me off. i cant even describe how lost i feel now. Seriosuly everything happened in 3 weeks time! its pretty ironic. he was trying so much when i didnt know about addiction and when he told me, said he will work on it and... he got into i dont care about anything mode.
no matter how much i learn about addiction, his behaviour is so irrational that it still suprise me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by stucna
Thanks Daisydoc
i have to go back to London on thursday and i really dont want to right now. as reality is not helpfull as well my friend called me couple days ago that shes got room for me, so i wont be homeless anymore, yay. the thing is this room is awesome, but its in the same building he is working in. so he will be behind the wall all the time.
i have to go back to London on thursday and i really dont want to right now. as reality is not helpfull as well my friend called me couple days ago that shes got room for me, so i wont be homeless anymore, yay. the thing is this room is awesome, but its in the same building he is working in. so he will be behind the wall all the time.
You are going to be ok Stucna. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and take care of yourself first. I hope you have a good trip home tomorrow. Will be thinking about you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Their actions and words are always hurtful because of how random and sudden their attitude and demeanor can change. We have to just remind ourselves they aren't rational and they aren't capable of caring about anything or anyone besides themselves and their DOC.
It might not feel like it right now, but he is doing you a favor by shutting off his phone. A week isn't a long enough time to re-group and get in a better place emotionally and he has made it so that you have no choice but to keep with the no contact and keep working on yourself. Most addicts shut off phones to switch the power balance. He couldn't handle you not speaking to him so he made it so that when you decided to talk to him now he would be the one in control by having his phone off. Don't play into the game, he expects you to panic and come crawling back to him. Instead, stand up for yourself and instead of worrying about his phone being off, work on yourself and get healthy.
All you need to worry about is getting through today. You can do this, and even though it will be an odd living arrangement, at least you will have a place to stay. You will get through this and if you keep working at it, you will come out the other side a completely different person emotionally and spirtually.
It might not feel like it right now, but he is doing you a favor by shutting off his phone. A week isn't a long enough time to re-group and get in a better place emotionally and he has made it so that you have no choice but to keep with the no contact and keep working on yourself. Most addicts shut off phones to switch the power balance. He couldn't handle you not speaking to him so he made it so that when you decided to talk to him now he would be the one in control by having his phone off. Don't play into the game, he expects you to panic and come crawling back to him. Instead, stand up for yourself and instead of worrying about his phone being off, work on yourself and get healthy.
All you need to worry about is getting through today. You can do this, and even though it will be an odd living arrangement, at least you will have a place to stay. You will get through this and if you keep working at it, you will come out the other side a completely different person emotionally and spirtually.
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