Supporting my boyfriend
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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Supporting my boyfriend
I have been reading through this site for awhile and figured now is the time for me to post...
My boyfriend has been working on his recovery for a year now. When I met him, he was still in the very early stages of his recovery. He had about 10 months clean when he began secretly abusing Suboxone, resulting in another stint in rehab. He got out of rehab a little less than a month ago and has been living in a 3/4 house since. He seems to be doing well with his recovery so far. He got a job and goes to several meetings a day. I am very proud of him for this.
The issue I am having currently is with communication. He doesn't talk to me. Before he went to rehab, he asked me if I still wanted to be with him and I said yes. When he got out of rehab, I was afraid he might want to take a break so he could work on himself so I asked him if he still wanted to be with me. He said he still wanted to be together. However, we RARELY speak. He will text me "Goodnight, love you" before he goes to be but that's it. I am fine with taking a step back and just be his friend while he works on himself if that's what he wants but I need him to communicate that to me. He needs to tell me this so I can understand. We still have not had an honest conversation since he left for rehab almost 2 months ago. He never calls me, even when he says he will. If I text him, he will respond but will never initiate a conversation with me. When I did get him on the phone to try and talk about things, he told me that him and I are clearly on different pages about all of this but said nothing other than "I really don't know what to tell you right now". That's the problem!! How can we be on the same page when he tells me nothing?? All I want is to support him in the best way I can but I don't know what that is. I'm tired of being in the dark about this whole thing. I did not get to see him or speak to him while he was in rehab because girlfriends weren't aloud. The same rule applies to his new house. No girls aloud. I feel like somehow I've been turned into the enemy. I don't do drugs, hell, I don't even drink! I'm not pressuring him to skip meetings to hang out with me... I just want a phone call! What is so bad about that?
I guess what I'm looking for is some insight into all of this. The only person I have to talk to that even remotely understands my relationship with him is his mom but I get the feeling that, even though her and I have a great relationship, she would rather us not be together right now.
This turned into much more of a rant than I wanted but I just need answers. I wish they were coming from him but that isn't happening so can someone help me understand what is going on? I'm just so confused. I know I need to be working on myself right now but it's really hard when I have no idea what is even happening in my own relationship.
My boyfriend has been working on his recovery for a year now. When I met him, he was still in the very early stages of his recovery. He had about 10 months clean when he began secretly abusing Suboxone, resulting in another stint in rehab. He got out of rehab a little less than a month ago and has been living in a 3/4 house since. He seems to be doing well with his recovery so far. He got a job and goes to several meetings a day. I am very proud of him for this.
The issue I am having currently is with communication. He doesn't talk to me. Before he went to rehab, he asked me if I still wanted to be with him and I said yes. When he got out of rehab, I was afraid he might want to take a break so he could work on himself so I asked him if he still wanted to be with me. He said he still wanted to be together. However, we RARELY speak. He will text me "Goodnight, love you" before he goes to be but that's it. I am fine with taking a step back and just be his friend while he works on himself if that's what he wants but I need him to communicate that to me. He needs to tell me this so I can understand. We still have not had an honest conversation since he left for rehab almost 2 months ago. He never calls me, even when he says he will. If I text him, he will respond but will never initiate a conversation with me. When I did get him on the phone to try and talk about things, he told me that him and I are clearly on different pages about all of this but said nothing other than "I really don't know what to tell you right now". That's the problem!! How can we be on the same page when he tells me nothing?? All I want is to support him in the best way I can but I don't know what that is. I'm tired of being in the dark about this whole thing. I did not get to see him or speak to him while he was in rehab because girlfriends weren't aloud. The same rule applies to his new house. No girls aloud. I feel like somehow I've been turned into the enemy. I don't do drugs, hell, I don't even drink! I'm not pressuring him to skip meetings to hang out with me... I just want a phone call! What is so bad about that?
I guess what I'm looking for is some insight into all of this. The only person I have to talk to that even remotely understands my relationship with him is his mom but I get the feeling that, even though her and I have a great relationship, she would rather us not be together right now.
This turned into much more of a rant than I wanted but I just need answers. I wish they were coming from him but that isn't happening so can someone help me understand what is going on? I'm just so confused. I know I need to be working on myself right now but it's really hard when I have no idea what is even happening in my own relationship.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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hello and 
He got out of rehab a little less than a month ago
something under 30 days out of treatment. after what, 28 days IN treatment? said gently....give the guy a break. it sounds like he is deeply involved right now with meetings and other recovery based activities. he's putting all his energy into fighting what ultimately is a life or death battle.
if you want to support his recovery, give him the room to recover.
you want him off drugs? then let him DO this.
you want was in his best interests? then let him find his way.
He got out of rehab a little less than a month ago
something under 30 days out of treatment. after what, 28 days IN treatment? said gently....give the guy a break. it sounds like he is deeply involved right now with meetings and other recovery based activities. he's putting all his energy into fighting what ultimately is a life or death battle.
if you want to support his recovery, give him the room to recover.
you want him off drugs? then let him DO this.
you want was in his best interests? then let him find his way.
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Thank you for your honest replies. Since our one phone conversation I did realize that he needs his space and I am giving it to him. It has been hard to understand everything that he has been going through without any of his input but I am really trying--that is where my anger is coming from.
I can tell you that I knew very little about addiction until he entered rehab this time. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into when I met him but I have realized how wrong I was. This has been quite the experience for me, as it is for everyone that goes through something like this. I must say though, this website has really been a wonderful resource during this time. I thank you all for sharing your stories and listening to mine.
I can tell you that I knew very little about addiction until he entered rehab this time. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into when I met him but I have realized how wrong I was. This has been quite the experience for me, as it is for everyone that goes through something like this. I must say though, this website has really been a wonderful resource during this time. I thank you all for sharing your stories and listening to mine.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Nebraska
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yeah to me it sounds like he wants/needs space but for some reason won't say that to you? I guess giving it to him regardless is the best answer. Maybe just tell him "I really love and care about you but I'm going to give you space to work on your recovery for now." I would be pretty confused also if my BF said he wanted to stay together and yet hardly ever communicated with me. When my BF was in rehab and in the halfway house, we talked on the phone probably once a day for at least a few minutes.
Sorry you are going through this!
Sorry you are going through this!
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One particular sober house that my son was in did not allow ANY communication with ANY females at all for the first 90 days. This house may have a similar rule or he is closely following the guidance of his counselors and/or sponsor. He is also likely to be struggling with depression and it will take time for him to regain his emotional balance.
I understand how difficult this must be for you. You have a choice, of course, whether or not to remain in such a relationship. If you do, please realize that this is how it goes with addicts sometimes....or most times. If you decide to stay and support him, please realize that it's an ongoing roller coaster and relapse is possible at any time. If you stay, you should do so with eyes wide open. I'm not trying to be negative...just real.
I understand how difficult this must be for you. You have a choice, of course, whether or not to remain in such a relationship. If you do, please realize that this is how it goes with addicts sometimes....or most times. If you decide to stay and support him, please realize that it's an ongoing roller coaster and relapse is possible at any time. If you stay, you should do so with eyes wide open. I'm not trying to be negative...just real.
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I actually had a really long, productive conversation with his mom this morning. She was very surprised that he has not fully communicated his need for space to me. He has told her that he needs some space from our relationship and made it seem to her that I understood that as well. That is not the case. The most he has ever told me is that "I still want to be together but I need to work on myself to be any good for us." That gives me no closure or understanding of the state of our relationship. I'm not sure if he is afraid I will leave him if he tells me he needs some time but I have told him many times that I believe in him and I'm not going anywhere. Above anything, I care about him as a person. His recovery is more important than me being able to call him my boyfriend right now. If we are meant to be together, then we will be when the time is right. These are the reasons I want to talk to him. I want him to know that I understand, that's all.
I am going to visit him tomorrow. Hopefully we can sort things out.
I am going to visit him tomorrow. Hopefully we can sort things out.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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you stated you NOW KNOW he needs/wants space and yet you are going to see him tomorrow so you can....talk about it and sort things out.
there's a bit of a disconnect there, BB89. you want him to know you understand??
GIVE.HIM.SPACE.
it sounds like you are perhaps the one worried about letting go?
there's a bit of a disconnect there, BB89. you want him to know you understand??
GIVE.HIM.SPACE.
it sounds like you are perhaps the one worried about letting go?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
my heart goes out to you because I am in a season of space as well. where does your fear come from? mine is that he will find recovery and not choose me after going to hell and back. Being clingy all goes back to my insecurities and has nothing to do with him. If you can somehow teach yourself that you are the best thing since sliced bread, then the separation won't hurt so much? why? because you know he will come back to you, and if he doesn't then there's better out there than him. just my two cents
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AnvilheadII, of course I am having trouble letting go. That's not what I want to do at all. He is my best friend. That is not something that is easy to let go of. I know that he needs his space and that is what I have been and intend to continue giving him. The point of me going to see him tomorrow is nothing other than both of us getting the necessary closure from all of this. I am not pressuring him to see me, I was invited. This will be the first true conversation we will have had to set boundaries for each other and our relationship. For me to be able to respect his boundaries, I need to know what they are. Up until now, I have followed the boundaries that I think he needs/wants without knowing what they truly are. I can't do that forever. And yes, I want him to understand what I am thinking and feeling just as I want to know his thoughts and feelings.
Lily1918, my heart goes out to you as well. This is not a situation I wish for anyone. It is a very painful experience. I also fear that my boyfriend will not choose me at the end of all of this. I fear that while he is growing as a person, we will grow further and further apart. That scares me to death. I try to remind myself that if we are meant to be, this will all work out in the end but the fear is always lurking. I have chosen to keep those fears to myself as I do not want to add any more stress on him at this time.
Lily1918, my heart goes out to you as well. This is not a situation I wish for anyone. It is a very painful experience. I also fear that my boyfriend will not choose me at the end of all of this. I fear that while he is growing as a person, we will grow further and further apart. That scares me to death. I try to remind myself that if we are meant to be, this will all work out in the end but the fear is always lurking. I have chosen to keep those fears to myself as I do not want to add any more stress on him at this time.
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He is my best friend. That is not something that is easy to let go of.
no one is asking you to let go. if he's your best friend, the person you care most about, then letting him go to live in Antarctica because that has always been his dream should get a YES vote.
he's not gone away...he just needs time to get this recovery thing down. might he change and grow away from you? YES. and if he does, and if you TRULY want what is best for him......you will cheerfully support that. because you respect and honor his decisions.
no one is asking you to let go. if he's your best friend, the person you care most about, then letting him go to live in Antarctica because that has always been his dream should get a YES vote.
he's not gone away...he just needs time to get this recovery thing down. might he change and grow away from you? YES. and if he does, and if you TRULY want what is best for him......you will cheerfully support that. because you respect and honor his decisions.
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Well, I saw him yesterday and we talked for quite awhile. We both put everything out on the table and were honest with each other. Things went really well. We both decided it's best that we remain friends during this time for both our sakes. I feel really good about this. I finally have the piece of mind I have been waiting for. He is doing so well and I am so proud of him. I know things will work out the way they are meant to in the end.
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