XABF moving on after 2 weeks!!! Who does that?!
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XABF moving on after 2 weeks!!! Who does that?!
I don't know what I am looking for out of this post, I am just really struggling and need to vent.
It has been 2 weeks since i broke up wtih my ABF. I have kind of failed at the NC thing...i mean it's been OK but we've texted a few times. Anyway tonight we were texting..just catching up, how are you, blah blah blah. I asked him if he was moving on...that i guess this could be good for us to explore the world on our own, meet other people, etc. He said he didn't want to talk about it with me. (i should've left it at that..i kept going
) so i was like, really? Are you talking to someone? have you slept with someone already? (remember, we've only been broken up 2 weeks...we were together 2 years, we've only had sex with eachother!!!) So he said he thought i really needed to take a step back, etc. I ended up getting really...curious and jealous so i started calling him, texting begging for him to pick up. I needed to know. Finally on like the 4th call he answered. I am really glad he did.
Although I got answers that I didn't really like, I'm glad we talked. He said he is kind of moving on, because I said we wouldn't be able to get back together for at least 6 months (i don't think he knows how to not be in a relationship... must have his own codie issues.) That who knows, maybe in the future we will end up together. He didn't say any of this explicity but I gathered that he is talking to/seeing another girl already. He hasn't slept with her... which made me feel a little better, but i know he will. I know i didn't need to know these things...i should've respected his boundaries...but the crazy in me came out.
it just doesn't make sense to me. How does one move on so quickly after 2 years with somebody? I asked him if he ever really loved me, he said definitely, he still does. I do believe him. I guess it just hurts that it seems so easy for him to just go to the next girl. I did ask if she smokes weed...she doesn't so that's good! (That's his DOC). Also, he says he's been clean for a week which I really believe, so I am really proud of him. But it's like, really? Right when I leave you get your **** together? I know that's often what it takes...but I wanted him when he got better! I know i'm being irrational though... he isn't better! it's been a week! i'm sure he would come back to me if I said he could! But i just know that would be a horrible idea.
i'm glad we talked. I guess we are on the same page...spend some time apart and then we'll see what happens in the future. Maybe we will end up together in a year, maybe we will both have found new people. It still really hurts me to think of him with somebody else.
Like, I can't stop crying about it!!! I am such a jealous person. I even asked him who it was...he said i wouldn't know her.
I just don't understand. do a lot of guys move on this quicly? is it probably just a rebound? is it because he doesn't know how to be on his own? I guess it's probably a combination. The problem is that I'm making it about me... and the fact that I'm not good enough. I guess I need to alter my thoughts greatly.
any support would be awesome. I am in a pretty sad place.
It has been 2 weeks since i broke up wtih my ABF. I have kind of failed at the NC thing...i mean it's been OK but we've texted a few times. Anyway tonight we were texting..just catching up, how are you, blah blah blah. I asked him if he was moving on...that i guess this could be good for us to explore the world on our own, meet other people, etc. He said he didn't want to talk about it with me. (i should've left it at that..i kept going
) so i was like, really? Are you talking to someone? have you slept with someone already? (remember, we've only been broken up 2 weeks...we were together 2 years, we've only had sex with eachother!!!) So he said he thought i really needed to take a step back, etc. I ended up getting really...curious and jealous so i started calling him, texting begging for him to pick up. I needed to know. Finally on like the 4th call he answered. I am really glad he did.Although I got answers that I didn't really like, I'm glad we talked. He said he is kind of moving on, because I said we wouldn't be able to get back together for at least 6 months (i don't think he knows how to not be in a relationship... must have his own codie issues.) That who knows, maybe in the future we will end up together. He didn't say any of this explicity but I gathered that he is talking to/seeing another girl already. He hasn't slept with her... which made me feel a little better, but i know he will. I know i didn't need to know these things...i should've respected his boundaries...but the crazy in me came out.
it just doesn't make sense to me. How does one move on so quickly after 2 years with somebody? I asked him if he ever really loved me, he said definitely, he still does. I do believe him. I guess it just hurts that it seems so easy for him to just go to the next girl. I did ask if she smokes weed...she doesn't so that's good! (That's his DOC). Also, he says he's been clean for a week which I really believe, so I am really proud of him. But it's like, really? Right when I leave you get your **** together? I know that's often what it takes...but I wanted him when he got better! I know i'm being irrational though... he isn't better! it's been a week! i'm sure he would come back to me if I said he could! But i just know that would be a horrible idea.
i'm glad we talked. I guess we are on the same page...spend some time apart and then we'll see what happens in the future. Maybe we will end up together in a year, maybe we will both have found new people. It still really hurts me to think of him with somebody else.
Like, I can't stop crying about it!!! I am such a jealous person. I even asked him who it was...he said i wouldn't know her. I just don't understand.
do a lot of guys move on this quicly? is it probably just a rebound? is it because he doesn't know how to be on his own? I guess it's probably a combination. The problem is that I'm making it about me... and the fact that I'm not good enough. I guess I need to alter my thoughts greatly.any support would be awesome. I am in a pretty sad place.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
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It's not you it's him... Your no longer enabling him so he's found someone who will.. It's what addicts do.. My EXAh and I have only been divorced for two months and I've heard through the grapevine ( I hate small towns sometimes) that he's moved on as well... I'm looking at it as he is now someone else's problem..
Block that number piano girl.. Block it and walk away.. It will make healing and moving on easier for you and right now it's YOU that matters... Every time you call and beg him to pick up makes you look desperate.. Nothing is more unattractive to a man or anyone then desperation..
Love is so subjective.. An addict cannot love anyone because they so not love themselves..
Your young and you've escaped what would have been the biggest heartache of your life by breaking up with your addict, even though right now I'm sure you think this is the biggest heartache.. Trust me if you would have kept him around your life would have been hell.. And I think you know that because you broke up with him... You will find a love one day piano one that will make this relationship seem small in comparison... Just work on you sweetie and BLOCK his number and go complete NC.. It works, it really does..
Block that number piano girl.. Block it and walk away.. It will make healing and moving on easier for you and right now it's YOU that matters... Every time you call and beg him to pick up makes you look desperate.. Nothing is more unattractive to a man or anyone then desperation..
Love is so subjective.. An addict cannot love anyone because they so not love themselves..
Your young and you've escaped what would have been the biggest heartache of your life by breaking up with your addict, even though right now I'm sure you think this is the biggest heartache.. Trust me if you would have kept him around your life would have been hell.. And I think you know that because you broke up with him... You will find a love one day piano one that will make this relationship seem small in comparison... Just work on you sweetie and BLOCK his number and go complete NC.. It works, it really does..
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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hey girl, I feel your pain Im still new so if someone further in recovery contradicts please please please listen to them but heres what I would say if we were chillin on my couch eating a gallon of icecream 
I would say its not you, its him, and then I would contradict and say its not him its the drugs. I know not everybody likes metaphors, I guess what Im trying to say is that I think he loved that you enabled him. every addict "loves" thier enabler. But once you stop enabling, the "love" is gone. Some say the drug is like the mistress they cheat on us with. I get that, but really, the few addicts in recovery I have mentioned this comparison to told me Its more like the drug is the wife, the one they will always choose over the chick on the side... so imagine, you were with a married man and said Im done waiting around, divorce your wife and come back in 6 months when its finalized. Hes gonna think No way!!! that's my wife! I built my life with her and string you along for as long as he can until you're sick and tired of it. then he moves on to the next mistress. The wife and kids get the first financial priority, and loyalty. I know it sux. I always liked to think of the drugs as the mistress, but in my reality he had crowned the drug Queen Heroin, and sure he tossed me some presents and good times, but in his heart... there was no room for me. but this new girl is selling herself short. I wouldn't go though the hell she's in for in exchange for anything. hugs to you I hope you feel better soon.
edited to add: even in recovery... she is Queen Recovery... and I still would have to be on the back burner... you don't want to be on the back burner in anyone's life. Jerect is right. block the calls, its easier. I just had to do this with my sober guy... NC. it sux but only at first, I promise. I haven't gone completely NC, but I friendzoned him hardcore. If he ever relapses. nope. nada. zilch. blocked. find me with 6 months sober on a Sunday mornin. He knows where Ill be right down to which pew.
Im still new so if someone further in recovery contradicts please please please listen to them but heres what I would say if we were chillin on my couch eating a gallon of icecream I would say its not you, its him, and then I would contradict and say its not him its the drugs. I know not everybody likes metaphors, I guess what Im trying to say is that I think he loved that you enabled him. every addict "loves" thier enabler. But once you stop enabling, the "love" is gone. Some say the drug is like the mistress they cheat on us with. I get that, but really, the few addicts in recovery I have mentioned this comparison to told me Its more like the drug is the wife, the one they will always choose over the chick on the side... so imagine, you were with a married man and said Im done waiting around, divorce your wife and come back in 6 months when its finalized. Hes gonna think No way!!! that's my wife! I built my life with her and string you along for as long as he can until you're sick and tired of it. then he moves on to the next mistress. The wife and kids get the first financial priority, and loyalty. I know it sux. I always liked to think of the drugs as the mistress, but in my reality he had crowned the drug Queen Heroin, and sure he tossed me some presents and good times, but in his heart... there was no room for me.
but this new girl is selling herself short. I wouldn't go though the hell she's in for in exchange for anything. hugs to you I hope you feel better soon.edited to add: even in recovery... she is Queen Recovery... and I still would have to be on the back burner... you don't want to be on the back burner in anyone's life. Jerect is right. block the calls, its easier. I just had to do this with my sober guy... NC. it sux but only at first, I promise. I haven't gone completely NC, but I friendzoned him hardcore. If he ever relapses. nope. nada. zilch. blocked. find me with 6 months sober on a Sunday mornin. He knows where Ill be right down to which pew.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Pianogirl one week sober? he is not sober! i have read one of the post on Cynical One blog about satadiums of using. so use, then came down and then even up to 5-7 days when you dont feel craving and you think its ok. he will do the same to new girl what he has done to you. theres nothing you should miss.
tho i undesrand you, i want my XABF back for some reasons. i still got hope he will get himself together and well be happy again. but each day all thoes dreams are more and more blury for me
tho i undesrand you, i want my XABF back for some reasons. i still got hope he will get himself together and well be happy again. but each day all thoes dreams are more and more blury for me
I'm no angel!
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He has found a new enabler, that is what they do. His true love is his DOC, not my rules, just how it works with addiction.
Go no contact, he is your ex, E X P A N D on that, he has moved on, so should you.
I am sorry that you are hurting, this too shall pass, be patient, get out with your friends, take this time to work on you, read Codependent No More, read about Obsessive Behavior
and how to overcome it, get healthy so that next time you will not repeat your mistake.
Go no contact, he is your ex, E X P A N D on that, he has moved on, so should you.
I am sorry that you are hurting, this too shall pass, be patient, get out with your friends, take this time to work on you, read Codependent No More, read about Obsessive Behavior
and how to overcome it, get healthy so that next time you will not repeat your mistake.
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Location: Atlanta
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I agree with the above - he's just found a new enabler.
I'm an RA and a recovering codie. XABF#1 (I have 3...slow learner!), the guy I spent over 20 years with, the one that I turned to drugs to "deal with"? Well, haven't seen him in YEARS, heard from a mutual friend a while back that he was married.
At first I dove back into codie-land...what was wrong with ME that he didn't marry ME? Why was he sooo against marriage, but now is married?
Luckily, I came here and got regrounded. I also sat down and thought about what she got when she married him (I know her). I soon realized she got exactly what I don't want any more. He's still a "functioning alcoholic", she's still a 100 times more a codie than I ever was.
She can have him. My mutual friends are SO happy that I'm living life, working my recovery, etc. I finally decided he couldn't HANDLE the person I am in recovery. I will no longer put my dreams aside to keep a man, or anyone else for that matter, in my life.
Yes, it hurts, but the pain doesn't last and you will get past this.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm an RA and a recovering codie. XABF#1 (I have 3...slow learner!), the guy I spent over 20 years with, the one that I turned to drugs to "deal with"? Well, haven't seen him in YEARS, heard from a mutual friend a while back that he was married.
At first I dove back into codie-land...what was wrong with ME that he didn't marry ME? Why was he sooo against marriage, but now is married?
Luckily, I came here and got regrounded. I also sat down and thought about what she got when she married him (I know her). I soon realized she got exactly what I don't want any more. He's still a "functioning alcoholic", she's still a 100 times more a codie than I ever was.
She can have him. My mutual friends are SO happy that I'm living life, working my recovery, etc. I finally decided he couldn't HANDLE the person I am in recovery. I will no longer put my dreams aside to keep a man, or anyone else for that matter, in my life.
Yes, it hurts, but the pain doesn't last and you will get past this.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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I always wondered the same how is it so easy for them to move to the next person, then it hits me, they just found someone new who will enable them until they to fall "victim" and then they would move to another and the cycle continues. I know its easier to say than to do but NC….its only going to refresh wounds if u keep in contact with him. Who cares if he found someone else, you just need to feel sorry for that other girl and pray for her, be glad it isn't you. I know my ex is most likely seeing someone else its been 4 weeks we broke up, but I am happy I would have to worry each time his phone goes off wondering is that another woman, or when he is on the internet is he talking to someone. When he says he has to work late not having to worry if he is out with someone else. Let the new girl handle all that. Its not you…think about it this way…its his lost to have lost you because you maybe to good for him. 
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i'd suggest that he has never been that emotionally invested in his "relationships" and it's not so much about being WITH someone as it is to simply have someone to be with. not everyone takes relationships as life or death serious. you two are in fact broke up, he has every right to live his life however he deems fit.
heck way back when my 1st husband left, that weekend i borrowed my mom's corvette, drove out to a friend's house that was having a party, cut one out of the herd and to be blunt, got laid. it was my big "i'll show YOU, pal!" moment.
i'm hearing a whole lotta "HE SAYS" stuff and you seem to be buying it hook line and sinker. he said he was never with anyone else while with you. he says he and the new gal haven't had sex yet. he says he's been clean a whole week.
right now you've been given the opportunity to look at your own stuff - the jealousy (been there!), the obsession (been there too!), and the magical thinking that he's going to get all better and come racing back. get things resolved within yourself and your entire outlook will change!
heck way back when my 1st husband left, that weekend i borrowed my mom's corvette, drove out to a friend's house that was having a party, cut one out of the herd and to be blunt, got laid. it was my big "i'll show YOU, pal!" moment.
i'm hearing a whole lotta "HE SAYS" stuff and you seem to be buying it hook line and sinker. he said he was never with anyone else while with you. he says he and the new gal haven't had sex yet. he says he's been clean a whole week.
right now you've been given the opportunity to look at your own stuff - the jealousy (been there!), the obsession (been there too!), and the magical thinking that he's going to get all better and come racing back. get things resolved within yourself and your entire outlook will change!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
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How does one move on so quickly after 2 years with somebody?
The more you ruminate on the "whys" and the "hows", the more nuts you'll go. And think about it for a moment: what makes you think that he won't do the same thing to someone new after X amount of time?
All addicts are capable of is the superficial parts of relationship, especially sex. Once they have to be accountable to someone or be relied upon, they can't do it.
So, I would encourage you to think in these terms: you're now free of him, and you have a chance to heal and to do some serious work on yourself so that you can stand on your own without him or anyone else. Whatever he does, he does, and the only person paying the price for that is him.
Work on you.
Best,
ZoSo
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Posts: 1,691
I had a similar experience when I left my husband. That same night he contacted his ex girlfriend...and this was after telling me that he was going to do everything that he needed to do to save our marriage and our family.
He didn't expect me to find out about contacting his old GF but I did....his explanation was that it helped him to deal with his pain and she meant nothing to him. He just wanted to numb the pain.
Addicts don't have relationships, they take hostages. A lot of people move on quickly because they don't won't to deal with the sadness, uncomfortable feelings, and grief that the end of a relationship bring.
I hope that you know that this is a reflection on him and not on you or your relationship. I know that it still hurts though....it hurt me when it happened to me.
It did help me though in the long run because I know that I don't want to be involved with someone that handles relationships that way.
He didn't expect me to find out about contacting his old GF but I did....his explanation was that it helped him to deal with his pain and she meant nothing to him. He just wanted to numb the pain.
Addicts don't have relationships, they take hostages. A lot of people move on quickly because they don't won't to deal with the sadness, uncomfortable feelings, and grief that the end of a relationship bring.
I hope that you know that this is a reflection on him and not on you or your relationship. I know that it still hurts though....it hurt me when it happened to me.
It did help me though in the long run because I know that I don't want to be involved with someone that handles relationships that way.
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I'm going to start by saying sorry this is so long! Wanted to respond to everyone. Don't have to read the whole thing. 
jerect, I know i should block my number but I can't bring myself to do it! I mean I erased it from my phone.. I am vowing not to initiate any contact. But if he contacts me more than a few times, I know i'll have a hard time not responding. I guess my whole perspective just needs to change. I honestly keep hoping he will get sick of this girl and come back begging for me!!! WHY?! I broke up with him!!! And he would surely accept if i took him back right now!!! I think I just wish he would fight for me. But unlike me, he is taking my "6 month to a year" statement as truth.. which is good because I need to keep my word. He is actually following my boundaries and keeping me accountable more than I am...
Lily1918, wow... how true. you are right, i don't think i was ever top priority in his life.. while he really was mine (i mean school and family was up there too.) he simply doesn't have room in his heart to love me (or anyone.) that's a good way to put it.
Stucna.... ha so true. one week? i mean i don't want to downplay it! it it really a great accomplishment for him and i hope he stays on this good path. I just feel like maybe he would... this time was different since both me and his parents cut him off. He is really having to figure it out on his own now...maybe it could've been rock bottom? But how would I know. And even if it was, he would really need time to work his recovery, on his own.
Dollydo, thank you for your reply. I should move on. I've never really heard of "obsessive behavior." is that a real thing? I'll look into it. After reading some of cynical one's blogs, I have realized that I was addicted to this relationship and am highly codependent. I never considered how sick I was myself...
Impurrfect, I hope the pain does end! Thank you. That is exactly how I was feeling....why aren't I good enough? It's just lies though. It's not really about being good enough...it's about both of us being sick!
Broken101, " I would have to worry each time his phone goes off wondering is that another woman, or when he is on the internet is he talking to someone. When he says he has to work late not having to worry if he is out with someone else." that is so true. Although my boyfriend never actually cheated on me, i did find him talking to girls over facebook or text a few times (more than friendly.) I did not trust him....it would be impossible for me to be in a healthy relationship with him.
At the same time, i think, he was never THAT bad to me. I mean yeah he lied to me..but he was never mean to me, definitely never abused me, never blamed me for his addictions, etc. But lying.......that is a dealbreaker right? Relationships are built on trust!!!
AnvilheadII, I would totally just go get laid if I could! haha I really miss having sex. I seriously almost invited my EX to come over just for sex! Probably a bad idea... but honestly since he was the only guy I've ever been with, I don't think I could do it! Also, I think I am too emotional... I don't think I know how to have sex without it meaning something. So i guess I shouldn't do that! But you said "get things resolved within yourself and your entire outlook will change!" I definitely believe that but i just don't know how to go about "getting things resolved" or working on myself. I do have a therapist i see biweekly... and I've been going to al-anon. I feel better when I go, but I don't feel like I get any permanent solutions. I haven't worked any of the steps either though so I don't know. What do you think?
Zoso77, thank you so much for the response. I should be glad to work on myself! Why can't being single be a good thing? It can be an awesome thing! But then I think about him...and his new girl...and then
. But you are right, he's just doing what addicts do, if this "relationship" turns into anything besides sex or whatever it is, i'm sure he will do the same thing to her.
lightseeker, Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Yes, it hurts a lot. I hope I will be able to move on.
But everything you guys said is right. I think i may print this out and read it every time I'm struggling with this (which is like all day right now lol). I know i should be thankful that he is not my problem anymore..that i should feel bad for the new girl... that I desperately need to work on myself. Because it's all true. But my heart says something entirely different, you know? I guess it's time to listen to my brain.....
jerect, I know i should block my number but I can't bring myself to do it! I mean I erased it from my phone.. I am vowing not to initiate any contact. But if he contacts me more than a few times, I know i'll have a hard time not responding. I guess my whole perspective just needs to change. I honestly keep hoping he will get sick of this girl and come back begging for me!!! WHY?! I broke up with him!!! And he would surely accept if i took him back right now!!! I think I just wish he would fight for me. But unlike me, he is taking my "6 month to a year" statement as truth.. which is good because I need to keep my word. He is actually following my boundaries and keeping me accountable more than I am...
Lily1918, wow... how true. you are right, i don't think i was ever top priority in his life.. while he really was mine (i mean school and family was up there too.) he simply doesn't have room in his heart to love me (or anyone.) that's a good way to put it.
Stucna.... ha so true. one week? i mean i don't want to downplay it! it it really a great accomplishment for him and i hope he stays on this good path. I just feel like maybe he would... this time was different since both me and his parents cut him off. He is really having to figure it out on his own now...maybe it could've been rock bottom? But how would I know. And even if it was, he would really need time to work his recovery, on his own.
Dollydo, thank you for your reply. I should move on. I've never really heard of "obsessive behavior." is that a real thing? I'll look into it.
After reading some of cynical one's blogs, I have realized that I was addicted to this relationship and am highly codependent. I never considered how sick I was myself...Impurrfect, I hope the pain does end! Thank you. That is exactly how I was feeling....why aren't I good enough? It's just lies though.
It's not really about being good enough...it's about both of us being sick!Broken101, " I would have to worry each time his phone goes off wondering is that another woman, or when he is on the internet is he talking to someone. When he says he has to work late not having to worry if he is out with someone else." that is so true. Although my boyfriend never actually cheated on me, i did find him talking to girls over facebook or text a few times (more than friendly.) I did not trust him....it would be impossible for me to be in a healthy relationship with him.
At the same time, i think, he was never THAT bad to me. I mean yeah he lied to me..but he was never mean to me, definitely never abused me, never blamed me for his addictions, etc. But lying.......that is a dealbreaker right? Relationships are built on trust!!!
AnvilheadII, I would totally just go get laid if I could! haha I really miss having sex.
I seriously almost invited my EX to come over just for sex! Probably a bad idea... but honestly since he was the only guy I've ever been with, I don't think I could do it! Also, I think I am too emotional... I don't think I know how to have sex without it meaning something. So i guess I shouldn't do that! But you said "get things resolved within yourself and your entire outlook will change!" I definitely believe that but i just don't know how to go about "getting things resolved" or working on myself. I do have a therapist i see biweekly... and I've been going to al-anon. I feel better when I go, but I don't feel like I get any permanent solutions. I haven't worked any of the steps either though so I don't know. What do you think?Zoso77, thank you so much for the response. I should be glad to work on myself! Why can't being single be a good thing? It can be an awesome thing! But then I think about him...and his new girl...and then
. But you are right, he's just doing what addicts do, if this "relationship" turns into anything besides sex or whatever it is, i'm sure he will do the same thing to her.lightseeker, Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Yes, it hurts a lot. I hope I will be able to move on.
But everything you guys said is right. I think i may print this out and read it every time I'm struggling with this (which is like all day right now lol). I know i should be thankful that he is not my problem anymore..that i should feel bad for the new girl... that I desperately need to work on myself. Because it's all true. But my heart says something entirely different, you know? I guess it's time to listen to my brain.....
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by pianogirl1193 
I'm going to start by saying sorry this is so long! Wanted to respond to everyone. Don't have to read the whole thing.
jerect, I know i should block my number but I can't bring myself to do it! I mean I erased it from my phone.. I am vowing not to initiate any contact. But if he contacts me more than a few times, I know i'll have a hard time not responding. I guess my whole perspective just needs to change. I honestly keep hoping he will get sick of this girl and come back begging for me!!! WHY?! I broke up with him!!! And he would surely accept if i took him back right now!!! I think I just wish he would fight for me. But unlike me, he is taking my "6 month to a year" statement as truth.. which is good because I need to keep my word. He is actually following my boundaries and keeping me accountable more than I am...
Lily1918, wow... how true. you are right, i don't think i was ever top priority in his life.. while he really was mine (i mean school and family was up there too.) he simply doesn't have room in his heart to love me (or anyone.) that's a good way to put it.
Stucna.... ha so true. one week? i mean i don't want to downplay it! it it really a great accomplishment for him and i hope he stays on this good path. I just feel like maybe he would... this time was different since both me and his parents cut him off. He is really having to figure it out on his own now...maybe it could've been rock bottom? But how would I know. And even if it was, he would really need time to work his recovery, on his own.
Dollydo, thank you for your reply. I should move on. I've never really heard of "obsessive behavior." is that a real thing? I'll look into it. After reading some of cynical one's blogs, I have realized that I was addicted to this relationship and am highly codependent. I never considered how sick I was myself...
Impurrfect, I hope the pain does end! Thank you. That is exactly how I was feeling....why aren't I good enough? It's just lies though. It's not really about being good enough...it's about both of us being sick!
Broken101, " I would have to worry each time his phone goes off wondering is that another woman, or when he is on the internet is he talking to someone. When he says he has to work late not having to worry if he is out with someone else." that is so true. Although my boyfriend never actually cheated on me, i did find him talking to girls over facebook or text a few times (more than friendly.) I did not trust him....it would be impossible for me to be in a healthy relationship with him.
At the same time, i think, he was never THAT bad to me. I mean yeah he lied to me..but he was never mean to me, definitely never abused me, never blamed me for his addictions, etc. But lying.......that is a dealbreaker right? Relationships are built on trust!!!
AnvilheadII, I would totally just go get laid if I could! haha I really miss having sex. I seriously almost invited my EX to come over just for sex! Probably a bad idea... but honestly since he was the only guy I've ever been with, I don't think I could do it! Also, I think I am too emotional... I don't think I know how to have sex without it meaning something. So i guess I shouldn't do that! But you said "get things resolved within yourself and your entire outlook will change!" I definitely believe that but i just don't know how to go about "getting things resolved" or working on myself. I do have a therapist i see biweekly... and I've been going to al-anon. I feel better when I go, but I don't feel like I get any permanent solutions. I haven't worked any of the steps either though so I don't know. What do you think?
Zoso77, thank you so much for the response. I should be glad to work on myself! Why can't being single be a good thing? It can be an awesome thing! But then I think about him...and his new girl...and then . But you are right, he's just doing what addicts do, if this "relationship" turns into anything besides sex or whatever it is, i'm sure he will do the same thing to her.
lightseeker, Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Yes, it hurts a lot. I hope I will be able to move on.
But everything you guys said is right. I think i may print this out and read it every time I'm struggling with this (which is like all day right now lol). I know i should be thankful that he is not my problem anymore..that i should feel bad for the new girl... that I desperately need to work on myself. Because it's all true. But my heart says something entirely different, you know? I guess it's time to listen to my brain.....
jerect, I know i should block my number but I can't bring myself to do it! I mean I erased it from my phone.. I am vowing not to initiate any contact. But if he contacts me more than a few times, I know i'll have a hard time not responding. I guess my whole perspective just needs to change. I honestly keep hoping he will get sick of this girl and come back begging for me!!! WHY?! I broke up with him!!! And he would surely accept if i took him back right now!!! I think I just wish he would fight for me. But unlike me, he is taking my "6 month to a year" statement as truth.. which is good because I need to keep my word. He is actually following my boundaries and keeping me accountable more than I am...
Lily1918, wow... how true. you are right, i don't think i was ever top priority in his life.. while he really was mine (i mean school and family was up there too.) he simply doesn't have room in his heart to love me (or anyone.) that's a good way to put it.
Stucna.... ha so true. one week? i mean i don't want to downplay it! it it really a great accomplishment for him and i hope he stays on this good path. I just feel like maybe he would... this time was different since both me and his parents cut him off. He is really having to figure it out on his own now...maybe it could've been rock bottom? But how would I know. And even if it was, he would really need time to work his recovery, on his own.
Dollydo, thank you for your reply. I should move on. I've never really heard of "obsessive behavior." is that a real thing? I'll look into it.
After reading some of cynical one's blogs, I have realized that I was addicted to this relationship and am highly codependent. I never considered how sick I was myself...Impurrfect, I hope the pain does end! Thank you. That is exactly how I was feeling....why aren't I good enough? It's just lies though.
It's not really about being good enough...it's about both of us being sick!Broken101, " I would have to worry each time his phone goes off wondering is that another woman, or when he is on the internet is he talking to someone. When he says he has to work late not having to worry if he is out with someone else." that is so true. Although my boyfriend never actually cheated on me, i did find him talking to girls over facebook or text a few times (more than friendly.) I did not trust him....it would be impossible for me to be in a healthy relationship with him.
At the same time, i think, he was never THAT bad to me. I mean yeah he lied to me..but he was never mean to me, definitely never abused me, never blamed me for his addictions, etc. But lying.......that is a dealbreaker right? Relationships are built on trust!!!
AnvilheadII, I would totally just go get laid if I could! haha I really miss having sex.
I seriously almost invited my EX to come over just for sex! Probably a bad idea... but honestly since he was the only guy I've ever been with, I don't think I could do it! Also, I think I am too emotional... I don't think I know how to have sex without it meaning something. So i guess I shouldn't do that! But you said "get things resolved within yourself and your entire outlook will change!" I definitely believe that but i just don't know how to go about "getting things resolved" or working on myself. I do have a therapist i see biweekly... and I've been going to al-anon. I feel better when I go, but I don't feel like I get any permanent solutions. I haven't worked any of the steps either though so I don't know. What do you think?Zoso77, thank you so much for the response. I should be glad to work on myself! Why can't being single be a good thing? It can be an awesome thing! But then I think about him...and his new girl...and then
. But you are right, he's just doing what addicts do, if this "relationship" turns into anything besides sex or whatever it is, i'm sure he will do the same thing to her.lightseeker, Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Yes, it hurts a lot. I hope I will be able to move on.
But everything you guys said is right. I think i may print this out and read it every time I'm struggling with this (which is like all day right now lol). I know i should be thankful that he is not my problem anymore..that i should feel bad for the new girl... that I desperately need to work on myself. Because it's all true. But my heart says something entirely different, you know? I guess it's time to listen to my brain.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((pianogirl)) - When I was with the 1st XABF, I half-heartedly tried to commit suicide a few times as I thought I couldn't LIVE without him.
Guess what? Not only am I living without him, I am THRIVING! Something I never expected.
I know you don't believe you will ever get to that point, but it happened to me and so many others here.
I'd suggest you keep reading/posting here. I came here, long before my join date (as a lurker) as an A. I found my home in the F&F forums. *I* used to numb the pain of that first XABF and I will do whatever I have to, to never let someone else push me to that point.
Yes, I had my issues...I was a codie with a capital C. I read here, and read some more. I found support from people who got me.
You will get all of this, too. I promise, sweetie, the pain you're feeling won't last forever and there will come a time when you wonder "WTF was I thinking?!?!?"
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Guess what? Not only am I living without him, I am THRIVING! Something I never expected.
I know you don't believe you will ever get to that point, but it happened to me and so many others here.
I'd suggest you keep reading/posting here. I came here, long before my join date (as a lurker) as an A. I found my home in the F&F forums. *I* used to numb the pain of that first XABF and I will do whatever I have to, to never let someone else push me to that point.
Yes, I had my issues...I was a codie with a capital C. I read here, and read some more. I found support from people who got me.
You will get all of this, too. I promise, sweetie, the pain you're feeling won't last forever and there will come a time when you wonder "WTF was I thinking?!?!?"
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 129
jerect, I'm not really sure what I'm "afraid" of... I guess just losing him. Like I said, I still desire for him to text me. I still want him back, even though I know I shouldn't! I still have the mystical fantasy that he will get well in the future and we will get back together. I just don't know. I feel like I'm not ready for this, like I wasn't prepared. My thoughts are so crazy. One minute I am thinking, hey, I'm going to be okay, I don't need him in my life. The next minute I am sobbing, thinking I should just give up and take him back. I know I can't do that. I won't. But i sure do want to. This is literally the hardest thing I have ever done. I feel like when I am posting here or venting to friends, I am just complaining. I hope that's not how I come off. You all give such good advice...and I know what you say is truth. But in my heart I feel so different.
Impurrfect, I did think last night and today how it would be so much easier if I could just go away, be dead. I am not saying I am going to do it. I am not in danger...I am safe (just for the record!). But it definitely crossed my mind. And it shocked me, because I have had those thoughts before but it has been many years. It is so scary to feel that way. I can't believe I consider my life to be not worth living over a lost relationship. Scratch that...I don't think it's not worth living. I honestly believe I am a good person and have much to offer the world. But I just feel so unable to live it...like this is all just too much. It's like you said, I feel like I can't live without him. And now that I hear he is moving on, living just fine without me, it makes it 100 times worse. How long did it take until you finally started feeling better? And how did you get there? Just by distracting youreslf and being around people, or did you also do some work on yourself, such as going to counseling or al-anon meetings? Everyone tells me that it will get better but I don't know how.
I cried so hard today I thought I was going to pass out. I think today was epecially hard because i missed my medicines last night (anti-depressants) and I have been out of my routine because we had this "snow storm." Now that I am home in my own environment, I am feeling a bit better. I hung some more post it notes on my wall next to my bed saying things like "I am lovable", "I will be happy again", and "I am good enough". Hopefully reading these every morning and night will help me.
Thank you both for continuing to support me. It was a really hard day. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. I have a friend taking me to breakfast, then I have to work 8 hours (Lame) and then another friend asked me to hang out after work! So i feel that it might be an okay day...as long as I keep my mind off my EX and whatever he is doing......
Impurrfect, I did think last night and today how it would be so much easier if I could just go away, be dead. I am not saying I am going to do it. I am not in danger...I am safe (just for the record!). But it definitely crossed my mind. And it shocked me, because I have had those thoughts before but it has been many years. It is so scary to feel that way. I can't believe I consider my life to be not worth living over a lost relationship. Scratch that...I don't think it's not worth living. I honestly believe I am a good person and have much to offer the world. But I just feel so unable to live it...like this is all just too much. It's like you said, I feel like I can't live without him. And now that I hear he is moving on, living just fine without me, it makes it 100 times worse. How long did it take until you finally started feeling better? And how did you get there? Just by distracting youreslf and being around people, or did you also do some work on yourself, such as going to counseling or al-anon meetings? Everyone tells me that it will get better but I don't know how.
I cried so hard today I thought I was going to pass out. I think today was epecially hard because i missed my medicines last night (anti-depressants) and I have been out of my routine because we had this "snow storm." Now that I am home in my own environment, I am feeling a bit better. I hung some more post it notes on my wall next to my bed saying things like "I am lovable", "I will be happy again", and "I am good enough". Hopefully reading these every morning and night will help me.
Thank you both for continuing to support me. It was a really hard day. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. I have a friend taking me to breakfast, then I have to work 8 hours (Lame) and then another friend asked me to hang out after work! So i feel that it might be an okay day...as long as I keep my mind off my EX and whatever he is doing......
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
You are going through the emotions of grieving.. The day I received my signed divorced papers led me Into a deep depression.. I didn't eat, I cried all day for a few weeks and I just wanted to stay in bed.. I knew I had done the right thing by divorcing my ex but the pain of the loss was still there and it was a lot more painful then I imagined.. I got my dr to put me on some anti depressants for a few months to get me over the hump and its done wonders for me.. I'm happy now, mellow, well maybe too mellow but at least I'm able to start processing things in a healthy way...
I know you hold on to this fantasy of getting back together with him but you have to let it go... Try an experiment of blocking his number and his Facebook etc for just two weeks and see how you feel in two weeks and during those two weeks really work on you, go out with your friends, attend some meetings and journal... In two weeks time asses the situation and maybe challenge yourself to keep the block on for an additional two weeks.. Pretty soon you will find that your life will be just fine without him.... I promise :-)
I know you hold on to this fantasy of getting back together with him but you have to let it go... Try an experiment of blocking his number and his Facebook etc for just two weeks and see how you feel in two weeks and during those two weeks really work on you, go out with your friends, attend some meetings and journal... In two weeks time asses the situation and maybe challenge yourself to keep the block on for an additional two weeks.. Pretty soon you will find that your life will be just fine without him.... I promise :-)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 129
Wow, it sounds like you cried even more than I did...and you really are getting through it? I just can't imagine a time when I will be OK, on my own... but I long for that time. My friend sent me something really cute today... it says "Your boy can’t truly love you unless he first falls in love with the one who made your heart. Don’t give something as valuable as your heart away to a boy who has no clue how to care for it. Jesus, on the other hand, made your heart, so give it back to him. You can’t go wrong with a man who already sacrificed his life for you." I mean it's a little religious-y for anybody who may not believe in God/Jesus, but I really love it! So true. I think i'm going to really try to work on my relationship with myself and God during this time.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: United States
Posts: 118
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
heck way back when my 1st husband left, that weekend i borrowed my mom's corvette, drove out to a friend's house that was having a party, cut one out of the herd and to be blunt, got laid. it was my big "i'll show YOU, pal!" moment.
I like your style.
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Trust is a complex issue in a relationship. In my experience, once it is gone there is usually no reason to try and confirm whatever suspicion made it go away. The relationship is poisoned and it is better to walk away.
I think you have received good advice here. One additional perspective, in your OP you stated you were "...curious and jealous so i started calling him, texting begging for him..." and "...but the crazy in me came out." This is were you should focus your attention as this will be detrimental to any future relationship, with an alcoholic or not. Block him, walk away, and focus on you for a while.
Just my two cents...
I think you have received good advice here. One additional perspective, in your OP you stated you were "...curious and jealous so i started calling him, texting begging for him..." and "...but the crazy in me came out." This is were you should focus your attention as this will be detrimental to any future relationship, with an alcoholic or not. Block him, walk away, and focus on you for a while.
Just my two cents...
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by pianogirl1193
Wow, it sounds like you cried even more than I did...and you really are getting through it? I just can't imagine a time when I will be OK, on my own... but I long for that time. My friend sent me something really cute today... it says "Your boy can’t truly love you unless he first falls in love with the one who made your heart. Don’t give something as valuable as your heart away to a boy who has no clue how to care for it. Jesus, on the other hand, made your heart, so give it back to him. You can’t go wrong with a man who already sacrificed his life for you." I mean it's a little religious-y for anybody who may not believe in God/Jesus, but I really love it! So true. I think i'm going to really try to work on my relationship with myself and God during this time.
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