bluebelle

You are grieving, and that is part of the process. Back in college, I had a long-term boyfriend (4 or 5 years off and in). When we broke up, I couldn't imagine being anywhere without him. Everywhere I went reminded me of him. I even cried at the grocery store because we always went shopping together. I thought that feeling would last forever.

I started keeping a journal, which really helped me. I could rant in there because I was so upset. He had also quickly gotten involved in another relationship. It was interesting, because after awhile, I could look back at my journal and see that I was getting better. I thought I was still upset, but I could see I was a little less devastated as time went on. I started building a new life without him. I did things with friends, and did some things I hadn't done because he wouldn't have enjoyed it. (Like long-distance bicycle trips--he didn't like to ride).

I also worked with a counselor, who helped me get perspective on the situation. I stayed in contact with my ex for a little while, but eventually that stopped. The contact was making me jealous, and making me compare myself to the other women. I was still involved in his drama, at that point. It got easier once I was able to completely let go.

Please be gentle with yourself. The pain will get better. It is natural for you to cry and feel pain. When you can, spend time with friends or doing fun things for yourself. As you build fun new memories in your life, each day will get better.

pianogirl1193

jazzfish, trust is a big part of relationships, i agree, and without it relationships just go bad. That is very true. I really do have a lot to work on before i get into another relationship..... thank you so much for your reply!

Lily1918, that quote is awesome! love it...have never heard it before. I would like to find somebody who has some faith in God or the desire to learn more or become closer to Him. Thank you!

bluebelle, thank you sooooo much for sharing your experience! your quote so reminds me of me! I can't really go anywhere without things reminding me of him...it sucks. I hadn't thought about doing things on my own that I have been wanting to do but he was never really interested in (more yoga, meetings, church groups perhaps?) I have definitely been spending a ton of time with my family and friends so that has been really nice to have their support! I am not really "in contact" with my EX, but I haven't gotten to the point where I'm convinced I need to block him from calling/texting me or anything (which i feel guilty about bc everyone on here keeps telling me to do it and I can't bring myself to do so! I feel like a failure...I'm sorry everyone! Maybe i will do it soon....). i did unfriend him on FB because I found myself obsessed with checking his page (even though he is rarely on it.)

He did text me tonight around dinner time asking if I was home.....really weird. I said no, why? And never got a response. So it must not have been that important. He probably wanted to come over to have sex (which honestly i would possibly accept.. i miss it so much but I know I can't do it because I have too many feelings...i would end up crying when it was over.) I'm tempted to text back, ask him why he texted me but I know I need to avoid that!!! He is clearly moving on, I need to also. I haven't seen him in almost 2 weeks....and in the past 3 weeks I've seen him for a total of like 5 minutes. I think it is getting easier....i'm getting used to being alone. It's not so bad. Thank you everyone for reading my long posts!!!

CrossFox

Pianogirl, I can totally relate to what Impurrfect's experience, and yours - not being able to stop the spiraling thoughts and feelings of not good, pretty, sane enough for some alcoholic guy. I too had to sever contact and avoid restaurants and coffee shops so that I wouldn't accidentally see his face and lose traction.

It didn't help that I felt like a stage five loser because the alcoholic former flame and his GF/now wife are both (I found this out without trying) waay more educated and wealthy and worldly than me. But here's the thing Pianogirl, if you acknowledge that you need help and support and then get it, then you're out of this guy's league, peroid, no matter how charming and attractive and accomplished a catch the rest of the world thinks hims to be. No, getting professional help and group support is not about one upmanship, but let's point out the bright side.

Not long ago I was in my house with binoculars, as I often am, watching some birds hunt for food about a quarter of a mile away. I noticed some hikers, recognizing one of them as the alcoholic ex-flame that I mentioned above. It was him and his now wife! Well I'm guilty of crouching behind the breakfast table and watching for a few minutes, because I could hardly believe my eyes as it had been several years since I'd come across him. Anyway, without boring you with the play by play, their body language told a sad, familiar story.

Instead of old feelings of pining for him, I just wondered why his beautiful, accomplished partner would not only put up with him, but allow herself to look so pathetic while doing it.

Alcoholics are out for themselves. I wouldn't get jealous Pianogirl. The boring, time tested advice works and preserves your dignity: no contact - don't look him up on social media, avoid places where you might run into him, don't try to get grapevine updates - go cold turkey and get your emotional needs met from healthy sources. I think going to a support group such as Al-Anon and Relationships Anonymous has MANY benefits.

pianogirl1193

Cross Fox, I bet you are glad you broke things off when you did rather than continue the unhealthy relationship. It is interesting the different response you had as it was years later...guess it makes sense. Thank you for your reply. I guess right now I'm just really trying to accept that people move on and get into new relationships. It's normal. It was both of our first real relationsip and I think we both had this fantasy that we would be together forever, high school sweethearts. I need to let go of that fantasy...Yes, it happens for some people, but not too many. I'm becoming more open to the idea of also meeting new guys, although I know I shouldn't jump into anything too quickly.. I did go to an Al-Anon meeting tonight and it was great.

CrossFox

At the time, I was just sure that there was something fundamentally wrong with me that this man had glimpsed, and I was sure that he & his fabulous partner lived fabulously doing fabulous things. I guess they do, but it was enlightening to see this guy - still a drinker and cheater as far as I know - treat his gf/wife exactly the same way that he treated me. I remember how it felt.

If someone's in an addictive pattern and not addressing it, I don't think it matters how awesome you are; not how gorgeous, accomplished, desirable or likable, and it does not matter how "in tune" you are with the addict. It hurts, but it's true.

EverHopeful721

I hung some more post it notes on my wall next to my bed saying things like "I am lovable", "I will be happy again", and "I am good enough". Hopefully reading these every morning and night will help me.

I like this idea, pianogirl and I think I may try the same thing. Also, I am still in the stage of greatly missing sex with my addict - I feel so superficial for thinking like this, but that's actually the only really great thing he ever gave me and shared with me so freely, lol. You are a few weeks ahead of me - PLEASE tell me it gets easier and that I won't miss having sex with him forever!!

And I still find myself missing him most of the time....when I hear certain songs, watch certain movies, go to certain places....sometimes places I never even went WITH him, but like if I'm grocery shopping on a Sunday, I find myself thinking of him in the grocery store, because I know that's when he does HIS grocery shopping. Ugh, it's just awful sometimes, the way it twists my heart. But I'm trying to work through....as soon as that wave of pain hits, I try my best to push it down and block him from my thoughts. Some days I'm more successful at it than others, though.... :/