He USED again, spent the night with me BEFORE he told me (again),. Then Cried (a lot)
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He USED again, spent the night with me BEFORE he told me (again),. Then Cried (a lot)
Mostly Im writing this because I need to let go of the frustration. My boyfriend and I went to his parents over the weekend. He decided to tell them about now being in treatment. We talked about the outcome before we went. That he could not control how they responded, and he felt he could handle whatever the result.
Here is the thing, it was mixed. His mom and dad (stepdad) were happy that he finally admitted he has a problem, and is getting help. They proceeded to lecture him about all the great things he has in his life, how hard he has worked to get where he is, how he has been on the brink of losing it all, and how worried they have been. They both hugged him and told him how proud they were of him. They asked if he needed anything from them. Overall it was supportive.
My boyfriend seemed to be relieved after all of it was done. I had to work on Sunday so he was alone for a big part of the day. Then he does it to me again ! Tells me the next morning he went out and got coke and did some lines while I was at work. And again, I did not suspect as we spent the night together & he didn’t tell me !!! Not until the next morning. What is it with him that he wants to tell me, but waits until the next morning ??
Im not really upset that he used. It does prove to me that he has more work to do in therapy, and he is not in control of his emotions. He says, and I believe he was triggered by the conversation with his parents, and coming clean with them & talking about his sessions with the dr.
I didn’t get angry with him, or lay on the guilt. But he was hit with extreme guilt because he had been clean for almost 3 weeks (I forget exactly how many days, I don’t count but have a general idea). Again, he cried about how screwed up he is. Again, he took the remainder of the coke and disposed of it. He says he is going to talk to his Dr about it today because he has an appointment.
None of this has derailed my normal activities, but obviously a crying boyfriend makes me feel sadness.
The thing I don’t understand and Im frustrated about is WHY does he wait to tell me.. ? Its not like he has to tell me I get that. But if he is going to tell me, why does he wait until AfTER we have been together all night? Is this some kind of weakness in our relationship where he is afraid to tell me, does he just have this need to get off and is afraid I will get mad at him BEFORE it happens? Or as a guy does he need to feel closer to me before he can be honest?
What worries me is that I am doubting myself and if Im supporting him in the right ways, something I don’t normally do. Or is this all on him?
Logically, I think its all on him. I have not changed, and I have been being supportive at a level I feel good about. he is not complaining about anything Ive done. This is all in my mind isnt it?
Here is the thing, it was mixed. His mom and dad (stepdad) were happy that he finally admitted he has a problem, and is getting help. They proceeded to lecture him about all the great things he has in his life, how hard he has worked to get where he is, how he has been on the brink of losing it all, and how worried they have been. They both hugged him and told him how proud they were of him. They asked if he needed anything from them. Overall it was supportive.
My boyfriend seemed to be relieved after all of it was done. I had to work on Sunday so he was alone for a big part of the day. Then he does it to me again ! Tells me the next morning he went out and got coke and did some lines while I was at work. And again, I did not suspect as we spent the night together & he didn’t tell me !!! Not until the next morning. What is it with him that he wants to tell me, but waits until the next morning ??
Im not really upset that he used. It does prove to me that he has more work to do in therapy, and he is not in control of his emotions. He says, and I believe he was triggered by the conversation with his parents, and coming clean with them & talking about his sessions with the dr.
I didn’t get angry with him, or lay on the guilt. But he was hit with extreme guilt because he had been clean for almost 3 weeks (I forget exactly how many days, I don’t count but have a general idea). Again, he cried about how screwed up he is. Again, he took the remainder of the coke and disposed of it. He says he is going to talk to his Dr about it today because he has an appointment.
None of this has derailed my normal activities, but obviously a crying boyfriend makes me feel sadness.
The thing I don’t understand and Im frustrated about is WHY does he wait to tell me.. ? Its not like he has to tell me I get that. But if he is going to tell me, why does he wait until AfTER we have been together all night? Is this some kind of weakness in our relationship where he is afraid to tell me, does he just have this need to get off and is afraid I will get mad at him BEFORE it happens? Or as a guy does he need to feel closer to me before he can be honest?
What worries me is that I am doubting myself and if Im supporting him in the right ways, something I don’t normally do. Or is this all on him?
Logically, I think its all on him. I have not changed, and I have been being supportive at a level I feel good about. he is not complaining about anything Ive done. This is all in my mind isnt it?
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Maybe he was high on coke and in his altered state of mind, telling you about it wasn't his first priority? It just goes to show you the stupid things people do (or DON'T do) while high. So sorry to hear of your troubles. You seem to be handling it very rationally, much credit to you in staying on the course. Hope things get better with treatment etc.
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i'm guessing you've never had sex while high on cocaine.....
why didn't he tell you?
1. still high, doesn't wanna wreck the buzz
2. still high, wants to get his rocks off
3. still high, and maybe can't get off without the dope anymore
4. not in the mood
5. following the saying that its easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission.
he ain't done yet. the crying and the displays of remorse are all very self serving. he's feeling sorry for himself. and i'd hazard a guess that he doesn't tell you every time....since you can't pick up on whether he's high or not, makes you a pretty easy mark.
this has NOTHING to do with you. his using isn't about YOU his recovery isn't about YOU. it's not for you to do or not do ANYTHING. except revisit the notion of a relationship with a still active user....
getting off that stuff is hard. way hard. and it can take a painfully long time. he continues to display zero respect for you by coming around when he's been using. and then getting the booty call. and then the next morning turning on the water works.
why does he do it?
cuz he can. cuz you let him, without any consequences.
why didn't he tell you?
1. still high, doesn't wanna wreck the buzz
2. still high, wants to get his rocks off
3. still high, and maybe can't get off without the dope anymore
4. not in the mood
5. following the saying that its easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission.
he ain't done yet. the crying and the displays of remorse are all very self serving. he's feeling sorry for himself. and i'd hazard a guess that he doesn't tell you every time....since you can't pick up on whether he's high or not, makes you a pretty easy mark.
this has NOTHING to do with you. his using isn't about YOU his recovery isn't about YOU. it's not for you to do or not do ANYTHING. except revisit the notion of a relationship with a still active user....
getting off that stuff is hard. way hard. and it can take a painfully long time. he continues to display zero respect for you by coming around when he's been using. and then getting the booty call. and then the next morning turning on the water works.
why does he do it?
cuz he can. cuz you let him, without any consequences.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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ok Im not Edward Cullen, so I have no clue why he waited to tell you. All I can tell you is what my BF says now that he's about 2 months sober. For him, telling me was a battle against accountability and feeding the addiction. Also, keep in mind that my guy would "work the program" and "confess his sins" just enough to make everyone would think he was "trying" when really it was just a manipulation to be able to keep using. Keep in mind... these are words from the horses mouth. I have been suspecting him of doing the same thing now, and he knows that, and also knows that only time will tell and show. Im not saying your BF is doing the same thing... but... cynical one told me that using looks like using, and recovery looks like recovery... she's right. good job on keeping your serenity. Its hard to do. trust me, I know.
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When I was a little girl growing up in the sticks in the South, going to the Baptist church down the dirt road, I came up with a great idea: I would do whatever I wanted to do and that night just ask Jesus to forgive me. I shared this idea with my best friend and we both did it. We got into all kinds of trouble during the day, told lies, broke the rules, and then at night asked Jesus to forgive us.
We were both six years old. It didn't work.
But we had intuited something important about abusing trust and thinking we would get away with it simply by confession and an expectation of "forgiveness" and understanding.
And I have to say that my experience with addicts in this regard has often been a kind of deja vu, because I forgave a LOT of unforgivable stuff when the addict showed what I thought was true remorse but really was only crocodile tears.
Daisy, you are a nice girl getting conned every day. I know you love him and want to stick with him. But please don't believe him anymore. You hurt yourself when you do.
We were both six years old. It didn't work.
But we had intuited something important about abusing trust and thinking we would get away with it simply by confession and an expectation of "forgiveness" and understanding.
And I have to say that my experience with addicts in this regard has often been a kind of deja vu, because I forgave a LOT of unforgivable stuff when the addict showed what I thought was true remorse but really was only crocodile tears.
Daisy, you are a nice girl getting conned every day. I know you love him and want to stick with him. But please don't believe him anymore. You hurt yourself when you do.
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Originally Posted by dasiydoc 
What is it with him that he wants to tell me, but waits until the next morning ??
Its probably multiple things, but definetly if he is high and using cocaine then he probably does have other things on his mind at the time... and also one of the downfalls of using for a lot of people are feelings of guilt, shame, loss of self esteem... makes it much harder to be honest with himself and you
Im not really upset that he used. It does prove to me that he has more work to do in therapy, and he is not in control of his emotions. He says, and I believe he was triggered by the conversation with his parents, and coming clean with them & talking about his sessions with the dr.
I think you have a good mindset, because it does take a long time for a person to recover. It doesnt sound like you are taking this lapse as being personal, or a overall failure in his recovery; and its not. But, dont forget that you still have options if the situation makes you unhappy.
What worries me is that I am doubting myself and if Im supporting him in the right ways, something I don’t normally do. Or is this all on him?
Logically, I think its all on him. I have not changed, and I have been being supportive at a level I feel good about. he is not complaining about anything Ive done. This is all in my mind isnt it?
If you feel good about what you are doing ,then stick with it. But I would suggest you re-evaluate every so often because sometimes we dont realize we are inching closer to what makes us uncomfortable. ?
Its probably multiple things, but definetly if he is high and using cocaine then he probably does have other things on his mind at the time... and also one of the downfalls of using for a lot of people are feelings of guilt, shame, loss of self esteem... makes it much harder to be honest with himself and you
Im not really upset that he used. It does prove to me that he has more work to do in therapy, and he is not in control of his emotions. He says, and I believe he was triggered by the conversation with his parents, and coming clean with them & talking about his sessions with the dr.
I think you have a good mindset, because it does take a long time for a person to recover. It doesnt sound like you are taking this lapse as being personal, or a overall failure in his recovery; and its not. But, dont forget that you still have options if the situation makes you unhappy.
What worries me is that I am doubting myself and if Im supporting him in the right ways, something I don’t normally do. Or is this all on him?
Logically, I think its all on him. I have not changed, and I have been being supportive at a level I feel good about. he is not complaining about anything Ive done. This is all in my mind isnt it?
If you feel good about what you are doing ,then stick with it. But I would suggest you re-evaluate every so often because sometimes we dont realize we are inching closer to what makes us uncomfortable. ?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Whenever I would use after a period of abstinence I'd feel incredible shame, remorse, and guilt. Those emotions inspired me to tell on myself in order to feel okay about myself. As soon as my loved ones told me "it was okay" I was off feeding the beast again. I didn't begin to get better until folks stopped enabling me or telling me it was "okay". I had to realize that I was the only one capable of helping me truly feel okay and I needed to have an honest desire to get better for me. That was a great first step, however it didn't stick until I started working a program of recovery. He needs to take action and he needs to do it for him, and only he'll know when he's ready. Hopefully jail is a part of his bottom. Stop telling him it will be okay and learn what his motives are from his actions - not his words. If he wants to get sober in jail, it's possible. I belong to several recovery groups who take meetings into prisons. I've met people who got and stayed sober in prison. I've even seen a couple of them, clean, on the outside. Addictions a b*itch. Keep coming back here, attend Al Anon, educate yourself but, most importantly, take care of you! Xxoo 
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I agree with Nowell. It does seem that his parent's acceptance gave him the "go ahead" to use again. It is almost like he was thinking, "they are forgiving & they will forgive again, so why to use again." Just a thought.
Best of luck to you.
Best of luck to you.
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Thanks everyone for your replies.
I am feeling ok with his progress because it has been less than a month since he made this decision, and started working with the doctor. I did a lot of reading on recovery and I knew when he started it would be a long process.
We talked about splitting up for a while because he also knew there would be ups and downs. The decision to stay was my choice.
I am a little confused about my feelings right now, I will admit this.
I think the main reasons he waited to tell me is because of the drug itself. And i know you all are trying to be tactful saying, he had other things on his mind. But your right.
I have to make it clear this was not a booty call. I dont do these. We spent the whole weekend together, and it was only that i had to work on Sunday for a while. While I was gone, he used, but he also cooked us dinner, and did laundry. He is not the type who hangs with his friends who use, or goes out to bars and stuff. He has a very normal, responsible life except for this habit which he hides very well. Ive been with him a year while he was using, and he has always been respectful, kind, loving, generous with me.
I didnt like that he used drugs, but it was invisible to me. My main concern was his health, and that this would progress where he cannot control it and he then he would get into problems with work or worse. I understand the comments about jail from your experiences, but I dont want him to end up in jail.
I guess what hurts, is that I know he does feel actual remorse and pain after he realizes he used and slipped up. But he hides all that from me until later. That feels kind of yucky. But at the same time, I think maybe after reading your replies the drug may have something to do with the delayed response in his emotions, being able to feel them, admit them.
Overall I think Im doing ok with things so far, but I still get frustrated and confused sometimes. That is when I will come here. Dont have anyone to talk to about this situation as none of our friends know, and right now we share most the same friends.
Thanks everyone for taking the time to read/reply to me.
I am feeling ok with his progress because it has been less than a month since he made this decision, and started working with the doctor. I did a lot of reading on recovery and I knew when he started it would be a long process.
We talked about splitting up for a while because he also knew there would be ups and downs. The decision to stay was my choice.
I am a little confused about my feelings right now, I will admit this.
I think the main reasons he waited to tell me is because of the drug itself. And i know you all are trying to be tactful saying, he had other things on his mind. But your right.
I have to make it clear this was not a booty call. I dont do these. We spent the whole weekend together, and it was only that i had to work on Sunday for a while. While I was gone, he used, but he also cooked us dinner, and did laundry. He is not the type who hangs with his friends who use, or goes out to bars and stuff. He has a very normal, responsible life except for this habit which he hides very well. Ive been with him a year while he was using, and he has always been respectful, kind, loving, generous with me.
I didnt like that he used drugs, but it was invisible to me. My main concern was his health, and that this would progress where he cannot control it and he then he would get into problems with work or worse. I understand the comments about jail from your experiences, but I dont want him to end up in jail.
I guess what hurts, is that I know he does feel actual remorse and pain after he realizes he used and slipped up. But he hides all that from me until later. That feels kind of yucky. But at the same time, I think maybe after reading your replies the drug may have something to do with the delayed response in his emotions, being able to feel them, admit them.
Overall I think Im doing ok with things so far, but I still get frustrated and confused sometimes. That is when I will come here. Dont have anyone to talk to about this situation as none of our friends know, and right now we share most the same friends.
Thanks everyone for taking the time to read/reply to me.
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Originally Posted by kthopkt
I agree with Nowell. It does seem that his parent's acceptance gave him the "go ahead" to use again. It is almost like he was thinking, "they are forgiving & they will forgive again, so why to use again." Just a thought.
Best of luck to you.
Best of luck to you.
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daisy...what concerns me more than anything is, well, ok, two things...one you know so very little ABOUT the drug and addiction AND you can't even tell when he's high or not. my concern is just how EASY it is for him to "snow" you so to speak. if he can get away with this, what's next?
are there ANY consequences for him for this? or is using AGAIN ok with you? and how many agains does he get? is illegal drug use in your home ok?
*please understand, i am among other things a former crack addict. as is my husband. we used together. i got to be at the end of his 20+ year run with coke, when the paranoia and all that creepy sh*t started and he'd freak out about windows and noises, and hide in the damn closet or stand there naked and sweating clutching the pipe. long long ago he was large in a charge and dealt the stuff and used heavily, WAY before we ever met, back in his 20's - and it all seemed manageable...for a while. until it wasn't.
are there ANY consequences for him for this? or is using AGAIN ok with you? and how many agains does he get? is illegal drug use in your home ok?
*please understand, i am among other things a former crack addict. as is my husband. we used together. i got to be at the end of his 20+ year run with coke, when the paranoia and all that creepy sh*t started and he'd freak out about windows and noises, and hide in the damn closet or stand there naked and sweating clutching the pipe. long long ago he was large in a charge and dealt the stuff and used heavily, WAY before we ever met, back in his 20's - and it all seemed manageable...for a while. until it wasn't.
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Lying is part of the addiction. He lies to you. He also has to lie to himself--oh, this will be the last time, I can control it, etc. he has to lie to cover that he uses an illegal drug. There is a lot of lying involved.
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I've got to agree with ((Anvil)) and the others. FWIW, I'm another recovering crack addict but have loved ones who are/were addicts.
After reading here for YEARS, I'm finally at the point where I don't CARE if they "fess up", I know enough about addiction to know the truth all along. Even before I knew about addiction (when I was with my XABF and not yet an addict), I learned about the "he's been drinking..at this point he will be wonderful, at this point he will be an azzhole".
I also know if I hadn't been forced to deal with consequences of my own addiction, I'd be either dead or in prison.
The only person we can take care of is US. It took me a lot of time to figure that out, seeing as how I knew addiction inside and out. Guess what, I STILL can't control what someone else does.
I suggest you think about what YOU want from life. Do you want to be wondering, every time you guys have a great night..."was he high?" It's really not about when he tells you. I was filled with remorse and shame every time I used, but it didn't keep me from continuing to use.
Just a little insight from another who's been on both sides of the addiction fence. TBH, the codie side has been a lot harder to deal with, but I AM, thanks to everyone here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
After reading here for YEARS, I'm finally at the point where I don't CARE if they "fess up", I know enough about addiction to know the truth all along. Even before I knew about addiction (when I was with my XABF and not yet an addict), I learned about the "he's been drinking..at this point he will be wonderful, at this point he will be an azzhole".
I also know if I hadn't been forced to deal with consequences of my own addiction, I'd be either dead or in prison.
The only person we can take care of is US. It took me a lot of time to figure that out, seeing as how I knew addiction inside and out. Guess what, I STILL can't control what someone else does.
I suggest you think about what YOU want from life. Do you want to be wondering, every time you guys have a great night..."was he high?" It's really not about when he tells you. I was filled with remorse and shame every time I used, but it didn't keep me from continuing to use.
Just a little insight from another who's been on both sides of the addiction fence. TBH, the codie side has been a lot harder to deal with, but I AM, thanks to everyone here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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I totally get that he is a functioning addict, but that doesn't make it ok... here is my ESH I know your BF is not the same person as mine but wow... they are so similar.
He held his job, paid his bills, went to school, helped around the house, didn't start out as a recreational user. Everything sprawled out of control during his recovery from a horrific car accident. He is an accomplished pianist with numerous awards from all over the world. He led the music at our church. He taught our kids piano, loved our mentally ill son anyway... the list goes on and on... BUT... he tells lies, he can be very selfish. drugs can be expensive, and he spent money on himself instead of
saving for Disneyland while I went without for the kids trip. He lies some more, he would always have money for "guys night out" but never for our date nights... I know you probably don't have children involved so its different... but what about you? I know you aren't setting yourself up as a booty call. You obviously have more class than that, but I tested my guys motives by removing the booty for awhile, it was the only way for me to know that he stayed for me. maybe you might consider taking that away for just a little while? and see how he responds? If he loves you he will stick around without complaining even if you don't put out, ya know? Its nice to get rid of kissing and snuggles and whatnot for me, it helps me clear my head, and check his motives... JMHO
He held his job, paid his bills, went to school, helped around the house, didn't start out as a recreational user. Everything sprawled out of control during his recovery from a horrific car accident. He is an accomplished pianist with numerous awards from all over the world. He led the music at our church. He taught our kids piano, loved our mentally ill son anyway... the list goes on and on... BUT... he tells lies, he can be very selfish. drugs can be expensive, and he spent money on himself instead of
saving for Disneyland while I went without for the kids trip. He lies some more, he would always have money for "guys night out" but never for our date nights... I know you probably don't have children involved so its different... but what about you? I know you aren't setting yourself up as a booty call. You obviously have more class than that, but I tested my guys motives by removing the booty for awhile, it was the only way for me to know that he stayed for me. maybe you might consider taking that away for just a little while? and see how he responds? If he loves you he will stick around without complaining even if you don't put out, ya know? Its nice to get rid of kissing and snuggles and whatnot for me, it helps me clear my head, and check his motives... JMHO
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Originally Posted by Lily1918
I totally get that he is a functioning addict, but that doesn't make it ok... here is my ESH I know your BF is not the same person as mine but wow... they are so similar.
He held his job, paid his bills, went to school, helped around the house, didn't start out as a recreational user. Everything sprawled out of control during his recovery from a horrific car accident. He is an accomplished pianist with numerous awards from all over the world. He led the music at our church. He taught our kids piano, loved our mentally ill son anyway... the list goes on and on... BUT... he tells lies, he can be very selfish. drugs can be expensive, and he spent money on himself instead of
saving for Disneyland while I went without for the kids trip. He lies some more, he would always have money for "guys night out" but never for our date nights... I know you probably don't have children involved so its different... but what about you? I know you aren't setting yourself up as a booty call. You obviously have more class than that, but I tested my guys motives by removing the booty for awhile, it was the only way for me to know that he stayed for me. maybe you might consider taking that away for just a little while? and see how he responds? If he loves you he will stick around without complaining even if you don't put out, ya know? Its nice to get rid of kissing and snuggles and whatnot for me, it helps me clear my head, and check his motives... JMHO
He held his job, paid his bills, went to school, helped around the house, didn't start out as a recreational user. Everything sprawled out of control during his recovery from a horrific car accident. He is an accomplished pianist with numerous awards from all over the world. He led the music at our church. He taught our kids piano, loved our mentally ill son anyway... the list goes on and on... BUT... he tells lies, he can be very selfish. drugs can be expensive, and he spent money on himself instead of
saving for Disneyland while I went without for the kids trip. He lies some more, he would always have money for "guys night out" but never for our date nights... I know you probably don't have children involved so its different... but what about you? I know you aren't setting yourself up as a booty call. You obviously have more class than that, but I tested my guys motives by removing the booty for awhile, it was the only way for me to know that he stayed for me. maybe you might consider taking that away for just a little while? and see how he responds? If he loves you he will stick around without complaining even if you don't put out, ya know? Its nice to get rid of kissing and snuggles and whatnot for me, it helps me clear my head, and check his motives... JMHO
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
daisy...what concerns me more than anything is, well, ok, two things...one you know so very little ABOUT the drug and addiction AND you can't even tell when he's high or not. my concern is just how EASY it is for him to "snow" you so to speak. if he can get away with this, what's next?
are there ANY consequences for him for this? or is using AGAIN ok with you? and how many agains does he get? is illegal drug use in your home ok?
*please understand, i am among other things a former crack addict. as is my husband. we used together. i got to be at the end of his 20+ year run with coke, when the paranoia and all that creepy sh*t started and he'd freak out about windows and noises, and hide in the damn closet or stand there naked and sweating clutching the pipe. long long ago he was large in a charge and dealt the stuff and used heavily, WAY before we ever met, back in his 20's - and it all seemed manageable...for a while. until it wasn't.
are there ANY consequences for him for this? or is using AGAIN ok with you? and how many agains does he get? is illegal drug use in your home ok?
*please understand, i am among other things a former crack addict. as is my husband. we used together. i got to be at the end of his 20+ year run with coke, when the paranoia and all that creepy sh*t started and he'd freak out about windows and noises, and hide in the damn closet or stand there naked and sweating clutching the pipe. long long ago he was large in a charge and dealt the stuff and used heavily, WAY before we ever met, back in his 20's - and it all seemed manageable...for a while. until it wasn't.
Right now there are no consequences that I force on my boyfriend if he decides to continue his use of drugs, or for the slips he has had while trying to stop. I have never felt like I should use our relationship to try manipulate, control, pressure him. I feel like the will to stop has to be something that he wants to do for himself. I do think that I have a right to alter our relationship if his drug use has a negative impact on me. This is where it gets tricky though (at least in my mind). When he uses cocaine, it is usually in a very controlled way, and I cant always tell. His behavior doesn’t change very much, usually when I can tell it is because I will notice a change in the dilation of his eyes, he will get slightly more arrogant attitude, he will have more energy (especially noticeable when I know he should be tired based on his day), and last he will often have a greater interest in sex (but he does not change his usual format !) I guess what Im trying to say is he doesn’t behave badly, or do things that I can hold out & say this is hurting me, making me angry, making me feel like Im being disrespected. Like the other day when he used, he cooked us a nice dinner, did laundry, and was just watching tv when I came in.
He does know however that I wont put up with crap from him, and he knows that if his behavior changes and I become unhappy then I will end our relationship. He also knows that I wont protect him at work (we work together) if he gets high when he is on the job. In fact, he knows that I will turn him in if I think it is necessary. He also knows that right now Im not ready to settle down and have a family, but when I am then I wont have drugs in the home even if it is invisible to us.
Maybe that is not enough, I have been giving it thought the more I read here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Things can go fairly smoothly as you describe, daisy, as long as the addiction is not being threatened, as long as you do not come between him and his drugs in any way.
We tell ourselves we won't put up with xyz, but then when the time comes to walk away because putting up with xyz has become unbearable, it is a very painful and confusing experience.
But the additional pain often comes from what the addict says to us when he decides we are in the way of his drugs. It is amazing how addicts know just where to slice us in the soft underbelly. They say things to us about ourselves which take a long time to recover from because somehow the addict knows just what words will kill us.
I just want you to know--ahead of time--that when this happens to you, what he says about you will not be true and what he does to you you will not deserve. We are often completely unprepared for rejection by a drug addict, and when it happens, it devastates.
For now, things are acceptable and none of these painful events are happening to you. But when they do start happening--for there are no happy outcomes to relationships with active drug addicts--do not forget that whatever he says to you, it is the drugs talking, getting you out of the way.
We tell ourselves we won't put up with xyz, but then when the time comes to walk away because putting up with xyz has become unbearable, it is a very painful and confusing experience.
But the additional pain often comes from what the addict says to us when he decides we are in the way of his drugs. It is amazing how addicts know just where to slice us in the soft underbelly. They say things to us about ourselves which take a long time to recover from because somehow the addict knows just what words will kill us.
I just want you to know--ahead of time--that when this happens to you, what he says about you will not be true and what he does to you you will not deserve. We are often completely unprepared for rejection by a drug addict, and when it happens, it devastates.
For now, things are acceptable and none of these painful events are happening to you. But when they do start happening--for there are no happy outcomes to relationships with active drug addicts--do not forget that whatever he says to you, it is the drugs talking, getting you out of the way.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Daisy...
No. He did it to himself. Addiction is an incredibly self-seeking illness, and I can guarantee you that when he uses, he's not thinking, I'm gonna do this to Daisy. He's sick. You can't personalize it that way.
My hope for you is that you reach a point where you accept that he is beyond help to anyone and everyone but God. And in that acceptance, you do what you need to do to become healthy and whole, even if he is still using.
Best,
ZoSo
Then he does it to me again !
My hope for you is that you reach a point where you accept that he is beyond help to anyone and everyone but God. And in that acceptance, you do what you need to do to become healthy and whole, even if he is still using.
Best,
ZoSo
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