lightseeker

I'd recommend reading, rereading, and even saving English Gardens last post. It's dead on. Although it's easy to believe that you will call him out on his stuff and not cover up for him, things can change before you even know that they have changed.

I know that you have probably heard the analogy of the frog in the hot water....a frog thrown into a pot of hot water will hop right out, one that is placed in cool water and then has the heat turned up will stay because the water will heat up without them being aware of the situation. That is how living with an addict is.....

I totally agree that as long as you are not getting in the way of his drug use that you are "safe". I, too, told my then ABF....as long as you don't do it around me and it doesn't affect our relationship then it's your business. I had a WHOLE lot to learn about addiction at that point. I didn't realize that there were huge lies and manipulations going on the whole time. I assumed that because I was open, accepting and honest that he would be open with me. I was wrong.

I can tell you care for this man a lot and that you feel confident that you can stop the relationship if his drug use "gets out of hand". I've now realized that the only drug use that I will tolerate is none.

I hope that you will continue to read, learn, and seek your own answers. I also would really recommend getting involved in Alanon or Naranon. Those organizations saved my life.

Maylie

I know that is it hard to realize how life consuming addiction is when things are going good. It gets very easy to think "my addict has it under control".

For example, I am a recovered heroin addict. When I first started doing drugs, I thought that I had it all under control. I was able to get more accomplished, I always got good grades in college, I got into law school, I always held down a job, and being on drugs allowed me to do things that I didn't want to to like clean, run errands, do homework, etc. I thought that heroin didn't have any negative aspects at all. Then I started to need more and more and instead of making me more productive, I found that if I ever found myself without the drug I would get so sick I couldn't even get out of bed. Once I started getting sick without the drug, the only thing I did all day was make sure I had enough drugs. Sure I still worked, but I spent a weeks paycheck in a day or two. Sure I went to school, but that was only because I had enough drugs. I quickly found myself in a tangle of lies, stealing, manipulation, and a never ending hunt for drugs. In the end, drugs will always get the best of the addit. No one has a happy ending with drugs unless the drugs are taken out of the picture.

Stick to your guns. I would warn you that there are prob. a ton of lies besides using. One of the biggest tricks addicts have up their sleeves is admitting to using the night before when really there are a million other lies going on.

I know it is hard to see the negative while he is making dinner, cleaning, and being nice. I just had to share my little story because no one is immune from the neg. consequences from drugs. I came from a great family, had a 4.0 in college, and started law school all while being a heroin addict. Just because my live appeared to be under control, doesn't mean it was.

Keep taking care of you

dasiydoc

Thank you English Garden. I really feel your words.

I think you misunderstood what I was referring to Zoso, when I said he did it to me again...His drug use has nothing to do with me. It's not about him slipping up and using while he is in treatment either. That's his to own also.

It is the fact that be decides to tell me, wants to tell me that he slipped up, But waits until after we spend a romantic night together. And then he tells me what he did and gets all emotional. I mean he is not even obligated to tell me in the first place. I am happy he feels comfortable sharing with me though.

I realize now however, he waits because he is under the influence of the drug, and it takes so many hours for it to wear off, then all these emotions hit him. I don't know why I did t realize that before. It helps for me to understand that.

I am healthy Zoso. I have a good life. I have a great career and it's going well. Good relationships, great family, I'm focused on my future goals, and right now my boyfriend is not messing with any of that. I understand where your coming from and reading your post has been very helpful because I don't want my education /career to get derailed. I don't want to look back in a year and say what did I let happen to my life. Reading here has really highlighted that point for me. I am responsible for my life, there's no playing victim for me.

dasiydoc

Maylie,

Thank you for your post. It has been very helpful to me, and I appreciate you sharing your story. It sounds a lot like things my boyfriend has relayed to me. He has finished college and is working in a program for his career. He has a lot of hours, and sometimes working at night. Lots of pressure, sort of like still being in school. When I met him it was through work. We became friends among a whole group, and then became friends on a more individual basis. It stayed that way for months, and this is when he admitted to me that he used cocaine. It was when we were talking about dating, and taking things to a different level. I had no idea, and don’t think I would have figured it out for a long time if he hadn’t told me. He said that he started on weekends, and that he used several times a week at that point. He has never had any real trouble over using, but there were issues with money with his parents.

Ive known him now for over a year, and about two months ago – he came to me one day and said that he thought he had a real problem with the cocaine. He said that he had been trying to stop on his own for a couple of months and each time he would get anxious, depressed and start up again.he said he had been using everyday. I didn’t even know he was trying to stop. This is when he told me that he wanted to get some help, and kick it for good. Then he started researching the best treatments for cocaine. He wa bringing in all kinds of stuff to read. He would talk to me about some of it, ask my opinion, ask me to read things, etc. I had no problem with that because he was only asking for feedback you know. That is when I found SR. I had been doing some reading on my own and it brought me to this site.

It has taken him a long time to actually get started on treatment. He decided to go with a doctor who does addiction medicine. It was very hard for him to begin this, and I am very proud of him for taking that step. To me it is obvious he is doing it for himself and I think this gives him the best chance. He knows that he does not want to live dependent on a drug. He also knows he has to work through some personal issues, and learn how to control his emotions without the help of this drug. He is worried also about his career, and he knows it will never be what he wants if he cannot stop the drugs. He knows it will progress and ruin his life.

This may not make sense, but now he seems to really be opening his eyes and I think he is afraid. He is seeing what he did to himself, and it really brings him down. And when he slipped these two times, it is bringing out all these feelings of being a failure. He is not used to failing at things and I think it is a mix between making him want to work harder, and making him want to curl up in a ball.

I do think he can change his life and become healthy and drug free. It will take time, and for me right now Im more concerned that he continues with therapy and works on his issues, than focusing on his slipping up. He was using everyday, and in the last month he has used twice. It is true that he may have not told me other instances, but I mean I don’t feel like he has to tell me. He knows and that is all that matters.

Im very happy to hear your story, and know that you and your boyfriend are both in recovery now. I keep coming back here to SR to read because almost everyday I find something that I can use to help me in some way.