pianogirl1193

After last night (my XABF showing up at my door high), today was a very hard day. He texted my roommate today to see if she wanted to smoke with him. I have talked to her about the situation... she is very understanding. She said definitely not, she respects me too much and doesn't want to support his addiction. She hardly ever even smokes! He is just looking for anyone to smoke with. He later texted her and asked if she still had a guys number to get some Aderall!!!!! (she had bought some once.....) I was shocked. My XABF has never used anything but alcohol and weed (he is veryyyyy addicted to the weed). I am so shocked (though I probably shouldn't be) that he is moving onto other sorts of drugs. This is just bad news.

First of all I was pissed. I wanted to call him and ask him what the f-ck he was thinking, that he was being so stupid and throwing away his life. I went out with my friends though (one of which is the roommate whom he texted) and they all convinced me not to do that. I am glad now, looking back at it. I don't want to give him any attention. My roommate never texted back, and she was also appauled he would ask such a thing.

Secondly, I am so sad for him. I think I just need to do some praying for him. He is in such a low spot, and honestly I don't know what he is going to do next. I am certain that he is driving around under the influence. I know that he has hurt me so badly.. but I still have empathy for him. Which I think is OK, but I can't let it dictate my life. I am having a really hard time not feeling guilty though for breaking up with him/not talking to him at all.

Third of all... I still miss him. He sent me an email tonight saying "Hey, it's valentines night and i just wanted to thank you for sharing your time with me for the past 2 years or so. I really appreciated having you as a friend. I think you are one of the most kind and caring people in the world. You are just oblivious at public shopping centers. I love you a lot and have been thinking about you a lot. I have been smoking some weed to compensate for the loss I am enduring. Maybe someday we could get coffee, but like you said it is too hard to be just friends. I felt quite lonely today."

I am not going to respond. In fact, I deleted it. I feel kind of bad but I don't think he deserves my time. He is making up excuses to use. I am enduring a huge loss and I am not getting high all day!!!

I actually had a good night though... I actually went out with some girl friends for a bit. It really helped to get my mind off things.

I'm just kind of curious what anyone thought that email was about? I don't know his motives for anything he does. I just can't understand any of it.

jerect

Email is a manipulation tactic.. He wants to keep you on a string so that he can come back anytime.. Most addicts never really disappear on their own.. They keep coming back... Best thing to do in this situation is to Block and walk.. Block his number, send his email to spam and initiate NC immediately... As long as you give him any kind of contact he will see that as a sign that he can stick around...

Don't worry about the meaning behind the email.. He's an addict, he's not going to make sense so no use trying to even decipher the meaning.. You will drive yourself crazy if you do

dollydo

I have found if you leave the door open that they will just keep walking back in. In fact, my exabf, still keeps pestering me after almost 5 years. He will get a new cell, text me, I block, he gets another, on and on it goes. Same goes for e's..he will get a new one...and guess who he e's? Me. I don't respond and I just keep blocking him.

Your ex is attempting to manipulate you, don't fall for his sweet words, they mean nothing, his actions tell you everything that you need to know.

tjp613

"You are just oblivious at public shopping centers."

Huh?? What the heck does that mean and WTF does it have to do with anything else he was saying??

laurie6781

This bothered me also. The first thing I thought of he is admitting to following
you and you didn't even notice. If in fact he is following you, that is considered
STALKING and is grounds for a Personal Protection Order.

The above is some great advice. Block, block, block him. I wouldn't be sur-
prised if sent you didn't respond to the 'sort of nice' email he will now go nasty
to try and get a response. Therefore, it is best to NOT read text messages
and emails, and delete any voice mails that get through.

Stay strong, I know it is hard, but every day that you stay 'no contact' it will
be just a teeny bit easier.

We are here for you and we are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

hello-kitty

Once you get some time and space between you and him and this break up you are going to realize how disturbing his behavior is.

My story - About three years ago I changed my phone number because my ex wouldn't leave me alone after I broke up with him. That was the best way for me (and for him) to move on. It stopped him from being able to manipulate my emotions.

Just recently he managed to get in touch with me and I foolishly gave him my new phone number. I foolishly fell for his lies and thought he was clean. We have a child together and for some reason I believed his BS about wanting a relationship with his son. Turned out he didn't. After one visit he started pulling a disappearing act so I pulled the plug on letting him be in his son's life. But the problem is now he has my new phone number.

Yesterday someone called me from a blocked number and played this Jack Johnson song over and over and over. My ex loves Jack Johnson so I was pretty sure it was him. Now I could look at his behavior as loving and romantic, and I could call him to see if it was him and reestablish contact and so on and so forth. That would be his opportunity to worm his way back into our lives. In fact, five years ago I probably would have fallen for his trick. But not now. Now I just really he is a drug addict trying to manipulate my emotions. Can you say creepy stalker?!

When I read your post, I see "creepy stalker" and manipulation all over it. The more distance and time you put between you and him, the more you will be able to see it too.

dasiydoc

I think his email was your ex feeling sorry for himself and being sincere at the time, but also probably he was hoping to get your attention and sympathy, hoping you would give him another chance.

I also think the" oblivious at the mall "comment was really meant to be “you obliterate the mall” meaning it in a cute way, that she is an awesome shopper who has a good time at the mall. I guess we all view things different based on our experiences, I dont see signs of stalker in the email.

pianogirl1193

I'm sorry I am at work so I don't have time for a long reply but I just wanted to clarify he did say "oblivious at shopping centers" just as a joke because whenever we'd go out I'd never pay very good attention to my surroundings, would be texting while walking and run into people, etc lol. Just his attempt to make a joke I guess? In the midst of a very serious time.. I guess you all are right, I probably shouldn't over analyze the email too much. It probably is just a ploy to manipulate my emotions although I think some of it was sincere. I'm glad I did not reply though! Was hard at first.

hello-kitty

Sometimes the difference between creepy stalker and a sincere, half-joking attempt to tug at your heart strings is a very fine line.... especially when that person is high on drugs.

Glad you did not reply. It gets easier with time. And all things become clearer.

pianogirl1193

I guess I'm still so ambivalent about letting him go and not talking to him that I can't see this as final. If I am being honest, in my mind I picture us eventually being in contact again (as friends, as lovers, as i don't know!) I know it is horrible and I really shouldn't think this way. He even said to my face that he has no intention of getting back together with me. So why on earth am I still thinking about him?! I know better! My heart and my head have never disagreed so much in my life. But the thing is, I don't know if I want to/am willing to block his number/ put his email as spam/ etc. I think part of me just likes the attention he is still giving me (even though it's not much). That's sick I know. But it's like in a weird way I still want him to text me......even though I know i can't text back. Does this make sense to anyone? I think this shows me how much work I have to do before I get into another relationship.

Anyway he did text me twice about a half hour ago. "hi" and "hello." I am going to be strong!!!!! He needs to know that his behavior is unacceptable to me and I am serious about what I say (say what you mean and mean what you say right? ...)

Thank you all so much for the support. I am so glad i have you all and this site to come to in tough times. I am definitely going to try to make it to an Al-Anon meeting this weekend!!! Hope everyone is well.

LoveMeNow

Just a thought - but could it be that you don't like the feeling of rejection or abandonment?? Are you working out something from your past through him?

In hindsight, I think I did that with a couple of past relationships but was so unaware of it at the time. I really waited a long time before I got married because I wanted to be sure. I thought I had changed and matured. However, I really never did any hard work on myself though. When my husband became "emotionally unavailable" because of his addiction, my "codieness" kicked into overdrive.

I can honestly say yes, I loved with him all my heart, and yes I wanted to save my marriage more then anything, however I can see now there were many other reasons why I tried so hard. Many of them had to do with me and my own fears and unresolved issues of abandonment.

jll657

Proud of you for sticking to your plan. Someone better suited to you will come along in time. Celebrate that you are not continually sucked into the addict manipulation.

pianogirl1193

"could it be that you don't like the feeling of rejection or abandonment?? Are you working out something from your past through him? "

LoveMeNow, I think you are on to something. I do love him but I also think being with him filled a void in me...some insecurity, loneliness, etc. I guess this probably has a lot to do with codependence? I used to honestly not be able to differentiate between me and him...we were one in the same. Without him I felt empty and not loved/worthy. I guess I'm getting better at this but I think I still have a lot of work to do.

"Celebrate that you are not continually sucked into the addict manipulation."

Jill657, wow, I didn't really think of that! It's been almost two weeks since we've been broken up and though it's really hard, I am glad that I am not being sucked into his manipulative ways. I already feel more free. Hoping it gets even better from here!

Thank you all so much for the replies!!!

jerect

Pianogirl, it does get better from here.. I PROMISE the longer you go NC the easier it gets and the more you heal.. I haven't had any kind of contact with my ex since Dec 23 and I can honestly say that I don't miss him anymore.. Don't get me wrong, I still hurt and I still have a sense of loss and failure especially since this was my second failed marriage but those are things that I have to work on and deal with myself and they have been much easier to deal with without him in the picture.. These past two months I have been busing myself with new projects.. ( currently trying to knit a blanket) cultivating female friendships, and probably spending way way to much money lol..

The other day a much older gentlemen asked me out for a drink and I accepted but told him I was just getting out of a bad marriage and was only interested in being friends.. the drink date went ok but afterwards he kept blowing up my phone asking me out again.. A few years ago I would have caved and found myself in a rebound relationship.. this time I just blocked his number from calling me because obviously he did not respect me or my wishes... don't know why i'm even writing this but I think it just proves that I have come a long way in my personal growth and boundaries...

work on yourself piano, you are young and have the world by its tail.. you deserve a healthy and happy relationship with someone that can give you what you need..

pianogirl1193

Wow jerect, that is awesome that you were able to just block him like that. I think i must have a lot of insecurities in myself because i feel like I would get with any guy that was interested in me, even if i wasn't interested in him! I mean maybe not right now...I am too sad about my ex and still have too many intense feelings for him. But you know what I mean... I have no self respect or boundaries. All i want is to be wanted and needed. I guess I really need to look at what I truly want in my future partner rather than just dating anyone that shows any interest.

EverHopeful721

I so know what you mean, pianogirl, about just wanting to be wanted and needed. I just keep saying that all I want is someone who wants all the love I have to give and will love me back. I guess what I have to realize is that until I learn how to do this in a healthy relationship, one where I don't feel like I have to sacrifice my OWN wants and needs and don't feel like I have to live for just making the other person happy, it's not going to happen. *sigh*

AnvilheadII

All i want is to be wanted and needed.

that validation comes from within....not from without. there will come a day when you will believe that you are wonderfully perfectly imperfect EXACTLY as you are. when being YOU is all you need to do. all that stuff you've been searching for OUT THERE, it's been inside YOU the whole time.