Last resort???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Independence
Posts: 6
Last resort???
Is it wrong to force someone into treament. My 20 year old son started experimenting when he was 13. We put him in a school for 18 months when he was 13, because he was acting so out of control( taking our vehicles, wrecking one of them) we were afraid for him. Then when he was seventeen it all started again. Last year he went to detox for 5 days and was better for about three months. Now he has been semi clean for 9 days, but I do not see it lasting. He is on opiates. We provide everything for him and gave him the choice of moving out or going to a rehab that works with the neurotrimitters and retrains your brain to help with relapse. Tomorrow is the day he has to either move or go to rehab. Will he get anything out of it if we force him?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Probably not, unless he is truly ready for recovery. If his only two choices are living on the street or going to rehab, he might choose rehab just to have a place to live. There's a good chance though, that it will just be a waste of money. Sorry you are dealing with this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Here's my take on that as a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic (22+ years).
You never know how or when the seed of recovery is planted. It may not grow and blossom for years, but it can be planted.
Chances are he isn't ready to quit yet, and I highly doubt that forcing him into rehab will have the effect you desire at this time. However, some small seed may be planted within him.
My personal experience was I went to rehab at age 28. I was literally days from death. I soaked it all up like a sponge because I was desperate to change my life.
I also got deeply involved in AA and NA after I was discharged.
To make a long story short, I relapsed after 4 years, and it was the most miserable painful two months that I was "out there."
Having experienced recovery and all the tools that went with it, it ruined my drinking/using again.
I couldn't go back to carefree denial like I was living before I ever entered rehab.
In between binges I was full of fear, guilt, and shame.
I knew what I had to do in order to save my life.
I drug my tired carcass up that long flight of stairs to my home group and started over again.
For me, at 20 years of age, there was no way I was remotely ready to admit I had a problem (and I had been a full-blown train wreck of an addict at 18).
I would highly encourage you to find local Naranon or Alanon meetings and attend at least 6 meetings. Alanon has been a lifesaver for me as I have a 35-year-old daughter in active addiction. It has given me a new way to live where her addiction does not dictate what I do in my life.
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent starter book and one that I always have handy.
There is a lot of good information at the top of this forum in the "sticky" topics. Read and educate yourself.
Hugs of support from the mama of one addict to another!
You never know how or when the seed of recovery is planted. It may not grow and blossom for years, but it can be planted.
Chances are he isn't ready to quit yet, and I highly doubt that forcing him into rehab will have the effect you desire at this time. However, some small seed may be planted within him.
My personal experience was I went to rehab at age 28. I was literally days from death. I soaked it all up like a sponge because I was desperate to change my life.
I also got deeply involved in AA and NA after I was discharged.
To make a long story short, I relapsed after 4 years, and it was the most miserable painful two months that I was "out there."
Having experienced recovery and all the tools that went with it, it ruined my drinking/using again.
I couldn't go back to carefree denial like I was living before I ever entered rehab.
In between binges I was full of fear, guilt, and shame.
I knew what I had to do in order to save my life.
I drug my tired carcass up that long flight of stairs to my home group and started over again.
For me, at 20 years of age, there was no way I was remotely ready to admit I had a problem (and I had been a full-blown train wreck of an addict at 18).
I would highly encourage you to find local Naranon or Alanon meetings and attend at least 6 meetings. Alanon has been a lifesaver for me as I have a 35-year-old daughter in active addiction. It has given me a new way to live where her addiction does not dictate what I do in my life.
"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent starter book and one that I always have handy.
There is a lot of good information at the top of this forum in the "sticky" topics. Read and educate yourself.
Hugs of support from the mama of one addict to another!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I agree with Freedom. If the expectation is that forcing him into rehab will fix his addiction, you'll likely be sadly disappointed. An addict will only stop when they are good and ready.....not a minute sooner.
BUT getting him into rehab may plant a seed that takes some time to germinate but at least you know the seed is there. It may not help him but it can help you feel that you've done all that you can for him. Then.....it'll be a matter of time.
Rehab didn't fix my son's addiction...it got worse after rehab.....and ran an ugly and very scary course. However, his time in rehab is when I began MY program of recovery (and it's been a long road.....I'm a slow learner.....lol). I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired and started working the program that I wished he would (my program is Nar-Anon/Al-Anon). It's working for me.
One more thought......my son's first in patient rehab was in 2006.......after that he did an IOP--intensive out patient--and another in patient. All spurred primarily by me. He is currently (as of right now) in a long term program that he checked himself into.......time will reveal more but he has many many friends with long term sobriety......he's seen it work. And now he's trying to work it himself.......I pray that he continues to do the hard work.
gentle hugs
ke
BUT getting him into rehab may plant a seed that takes some time to germinate but at least you know the seed is there. It may not help him but it can help you feel that you've done all that you can for him. Then.....it'll be a matter of time.
Rehab didn't fix my son's addiction...it got worse after rehab.....and ran an ugly and very scary course. However, his time in rehab is when I began MY program of recovery (and it's been a long road.....I'm a slow learner.....lol). I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired and started working the program that I wished he would (my program is Nar-Anon/Al-Anon). It's working for me.
One more thought......my son's first in patient rehab was in 2006.......after that he did an IOP--intensive out patient--and another in patient. All spurred primarily by me. He is currently (as of right now) in a long term program that he checked himself into.......time will reveal more but he has many many friends with long term sobriety......he's seen it work. And now he's trying to work it himself.......I pray that he continues to do the hard work.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Independence
Posts: 6
Thank you
I so appreciate all your honesty and advice. I do feel like this is a last resort for me to know I have done everything I possibly can to to give him the best chance. It will give me peace of mind. Because I can not live seeing him destory himself on a daily basis. I have been so depressed and this will also give me the time I need to get myself together. I want him to experience rehab as an adult. When we put him in the school at thirteen it was more of a prison then a rehab. A lot of those schools have been shut down. And I can say that some of the tools he learned were very helpful, and then others were very bad.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
If he's already been there, he knows who to call, what to do and where to go when he's actually ready to quit.
I would offer to pay for a couple of months at an SLE and if he messes up, they kick him out.
I would offer to pay for a couple of months at an SLE and if he messes up, they kick him out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 37
My boyfriend is in treatment and often says that he stopped bc he was ready. He couldn't stand lying anymore, waking up and having to figure out how he's gonna get money to buy more pills. He was tired of the lifestyle and the secrets. I think your son has to want to quit. I truly believe that the first part of recovery is admitting your problem and wanting it to end. I wish you luck 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I agree with everyone else here--he has to want recovery for himself. You can keep pouring money and energy into fixing him, but until he is really ready to embrace it on his own, it likely won't stick.
Stick to your plan but let him make the decision tomorrow. I recommend that you then start taking care of yourself--your own recovery--if you haven't already, so that whatever he decides, you are stronger and more serene, letting his decisions be wholly his to live with. Best wishes to all of you.
A very wise person once wrote here to me: give your daughter the dignity to live her own life. It really helped both of us immensely.
Stick to your plan but let him make the decision tomorrow. I recommend that you then start taking care of yourself--your own recovery--if you haven't already, so that whatever he decides, you are stronger and more serene, letting his decisions be wholly his to live with. Best wishes to all of you.
A very wise person once wrote here to me: give your daughter the dignity to live her own life. It really helped both of us immensely.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Continued from post above:
I will say this; money won't solve this problem so don't get taken to the cleaners by a high priced rehab. The free ones may be less likely to accept someone that is not clearly committed, particularly if they have a waiting list of people that do express a sincere interest in getting clean. Also, some programs require the person checking in to handle the process themselves, taking ownership and responsibility and showing commitment.
I will say this; money won't solve this problem so don't get taken to the cleaners by a high priced rehab. The free ones may be less likely to accept someone that is not clearly committed, particularly if they have a waiting list of people that do express a sincere interest in getting clean. Also, some programs require the person checking in to handle the process themselves, taking ownership and responsibility and showing commitment.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
I think that we can never truly tell what the outcome of treatment (willing / unwilling) will be. I think it probably has a higher success rate if a person embraces the opportunity from the start, however this does not mean enlightenment cannot come during a period of forced treatment. (A seed planted concept). My husband is in recovery, and the reason I found SR, but I will share something that helped me when thinking about recovery and the stages of change that he has gone through.
Understanding the Stages of Change from Changing for Good by James Prochaska SMART RecoveryŽ - Understanding the Stages of Change
Stage #1 Pre- Contemplation
Unaware of problems associated with behavior. Certain that the positives of the behavior out- weigh the negative. Not interested in change. Unwilling to change. No intention to change. #unaware #resistant
Stage#2 Contemplation
Becomes aware of problems associated with behavior. Ambivalent regarding positives and negatives. Explores the potential to change. Desires to change behavior but lacks confidence and commitment. #awareness #openness #Decision #commitment * Concludes that the negatives of the behavior out-weigh the positives and chooses to change behavior.
Stage #3 Preparation
Accepts responsibility to change behavior. Evaluates and selects techniques for behavior. Develops a plan. Builds confidence and commitment. #anticipation #willingness
Stage #4 Action
Engages in self-directed behavior change effort. Gains new insights and develops new skills. Consciously chooses new behavior. Learns to overcome the tendencies for unwanted behavior. #enthusiasm #momentum
Stage #5 Maintenance
Masters the ability to sustain new behavior with minimum effort. Establishes desired new behavior patterns and self-control. Remains alert to high- risk situations. Focus is on lapse prevention. Has changed behavior for six months. #Perseverence #Consolidation ....
*Lapse or Relapse This is an event, not a stage. May occur at any time. Personal distress or social pressures are allowed to interrupt the behavior change process. Temporary loss of progress which resumes at an earlier stage. Experience is educational to help prevent further recurrence. #danger #opportunity
Stage #6 Termination
Adopts new self-image consistent with desired behavior and lifestyle. Does not react to temptation in any situation. Expresses confidence and enjoys self-control. #Appreciates healthier and happier life.
**Most successful self-changers go through the stages three or four times before they make it through the cycle of change without at least one slip. Most will return to the contemplation stage of change. Slips give us the opportunity to learn**
Understanding the Stages of Change from Changing for Good by James Prochaska SMART RecoveryŽ - Understanding the Stages of Change
Stage #1 Pre- Contemplation
Unaware of problems associated with behavior. Certain that the positives of the behavior out- weigh the negative. Not interested in change. Unwilling to change. No intention to change. #unaware #resistant
Stage#2 Contemplation
Becomes aware of problems associated with behavior. Ambivalent regarding positives and negatives. Explores the potential to change. Desires to change behavior but lacks confidence and commitment. #awareness #openness #Decision #commitment * Concludes that the negatives of the behavior out-weigh the positives and chooses to change behavior.
Stage #3 Preparation
Accepts responsibility to change behavior. Evaluates and selects techniques for behavior. Develops a plan. Builds confidence and commitment. #anticipation #willingness
Stage #4 Action
Engages in self-directed behavior change effort. Gains new insights and develops new skills. Consciously chooses new behavior. Learns to overcome the tendencies for unwanted behavior. #enthusiasm #momentum
Stage #5 Maintenance
Masters the ability to sustain new behavior with minimum effort. Establishes desired new behavior patterns and self-control. Remains alert to high- risk situations. Focus is on lapse prevention. Has changed behavior for six months. #Perseverence #Consolidation ....
*Lapse or Relapse This is an event, not a stage. May occur at any time. Personal distress or social pressures are allowed to interrupt the behavior change process. Temporary loss of progress which resumes at an earlier stage. Experience is educational to help prevent further recurrence. #danger #opportunity
Stage #6 Termination
Adopts new self-image consistent with desired behavior and lifestyle. Does not react to temptation in any situation. Expresses confidence and enjoys self-control. #Appreciates healthier and happier life.
**Most successful self-changers go through the stages three or four times before they make it through the cycle of change without at least one slip. Most will return to the contemplation stage of change. Slips give us the opportunity to learn**
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