Awesome post!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Awesome post!
With permission, I reposting this here. It was originally posted by ReflectingOnMe on F&F of Alcohols side.
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You Don't Miss Him
It doesn’t take much to miss him: a song, a movie, a TV show. Maybe it’s a friend mentioning his name, or seeing or meeting someone who shares his name. The pain is almost unbearable.
The “him” I speak of is the man you used to be in a relationship or the man who you hoped to be in a relationship with. But he’s no longer in your life in the way he used to be. You still think you genuinely feel love for him, despite the fact that he’s no longer a major part of your life for a reason: he is a jerk. He hurt you, probably repeatedly. And you know in your heart of hearts that you have no business ever having a relationship or probably even having any sort of friendship with him. But you still miss him a lot–even if he was and is bad for you.
You’re tightly holding onto the memories of this man despite the fact that you know that it’s time to move on. You miss him more than you can clearly express, you think of him all the time, and your heart aches at the thought of not having him near.
Of course, the problem with missing someone with whom you have an unhealthy relationship is that it leads to re-engagement with that person–which is the last thing you need. But you’ve probably texted him or called him, more than once. And you probably regretted it soon after you’ve done it. You can’t just help yourself, can you? Every bit of progress you’ve made in an attempt to gain a healthy distance from him goes straight back to zero.
If given any chance, you would take him back in a second; you hope that one day, he can turn around and admit, “I screwed up, you are what I need in my life.”
Which brings me to my point: this guy you miss so much, he doesn’t really exist.
Yup. That man you miss so much, the man you wish could hold you again, the man whose physical presence you crave, isn’t really real.
You may be saying, “Wait a minute! I was in a very real relationship, what do you mean he didn’t exist?”
What you’re missing is the idea of him, not who he really was and is.
You’re missing the version of a man that you constructed in your head. You created this version of him to fulfill a need. It could be a need to solve the problems of men in the past. It could be an unrealistic obsession with the “perfect guy.” It could be an obsession with unavailable men. Early on in your relationship or friendship, this guy somehow did things that you’ve always wanted a man you’re in a relationship to do and somehow said all the right things and that is what you end up being biased towards. He also seemingly managed to avoid doing things that men in your past did to hurt you emotionally or made you feel uncomfortable. And as soon as you witnessed this “good” behavior, you latched on to it. Box checked; this guy might be the one. You ignore all the bad stuff and hang on to the romantic fantasy of him feeding you nice lines.
But all these positive traits are the components you piece together to create this image of this guy, who wasn’t actually a good guy or at least not the man for you. And it’s that constructed version of him that makes you ache, that makes you hurt. It’s the version you miss so much. It’s the version that makes you wonder how you are ever going to find a guy like him again. You can’t imagine that another guy like him, with all his unique qualities, could exist.
The creation/idea you thought you were with, the guy you miss so much actually treated you horribly, made you cry, made you feel lonely. But you don’t think as much about those horrible moments when you are thinking of him, do you?
The parts of him that you do miss don’t really involve the negative. Rather, it’s about the idyllic. It’s about little moments with him that were so amazing; you can just close your eyes and go back to them and feel incredibly happy and then incredibly sad.
Whenever you should be reminding yourself that this guy hurt you, disappointed you, you do just the opposite. The man you managed to create, who doesn’t really exist, pops up. He’s smiling, he’s making you feel special, he’s the one who makes you feel invincible. “The idea” of him comes roaring back and sets you further behind in your progress to properly move on.
Nighttime is the worst, isn’t it? The anxiety runs high. Nothing can seemingly soothe the frustration, anger, sense of loss. Being alone is painful, but even being with your friends is equally tension-filled.
It’s enough to make you want to throw something against the wall, “Why can’t I just stop re-engaging, why can’t I just move on, why can’t I stop missing him? Why can’t I make this go away?”
You’re not going to stop missing “him” until you first acknowledge that he was never really there to begin with.
He was just a ghost.
From the Current Conscience
Blog by Yashar
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You Don't Miss Him
It doesn’t take much to miss him: a song, a movie, a TV show. Maybe it’s a friend mentioning his name, or seeing or meeting someone who shares his name. The pain is almost unbearable.
The “him” I speak of is the man you used to be in a relationship or the man who you hoped to be in a relationship with. But he’s no longer in your life in the way he used to be. You still think you genuinely feel love for him, despite the fact that he’s no longer a major part of your life for a reason: he is a jerk. He hurt you, probably repeatedly. And you know in your heart of hearts that you have no business ever having a relationship or probably even having any sort of friendship with him. But you still miss him a lot–even if he was and is bad for you.
You’re tightly holding onto the memories of this man despite the fact that you know that it’s time to move on. You miss him more than you can clearly express, you think of him all the time, and your heart aches at the thought of not having him near.
Of course, the problem with missing someone with whom you have an unhealthy relationship is that it leads to re-engagement with that person–which is the last thing you need. But you’ve probably texted him or called him, more than once. And you probably regretted it soon after you’ve done it. You can’t just help yourself, can you? Every bit of progress you’ve made in an attempt to gain a healthy distance from him goes straight back to zero.
If given any chance, you would take him back in a second; you hope that one day, he can turn around and admit, “I screwed up, you are what I need in my life.”
Which brings me to my point: this guy you miss so much, he doesn’t really exist.
Yup. That man you miss so much, the man you wish could hold you again, the man whose physical presence you crave, isn’t really real.
You may be saying, “Wait a minute! I was in a very real relationship, what do you mean he didn’t exist?”
What you’re missing is the idea of him, not who he really was and is.
You’re missing the version of a man that you constructed in your head. You created this version of him to fulfill a need. It could be a need to solve the problems of men in the past. It could be an unrealistic obsession with the “perfect guy.” It could be an obsession with unavailable men. Early on in your relationship or friendship, this guy somehow did things that you’ve always wanted a man you’re in a relationship to do and somehow said all the right things and that is what you end up being biased towards. He also seemingly managed to avoid doing things that men in your past did to hurt you emotionally or made you feel uncomfortable. And as soon as you witnessed this “good” behavior, you latched on to it. Box checked; this guy might be the one. You ignore all the bad stuff and hang on to the romantic fantasy of him feeding you nice lines.
But all these positive traits are the components you piece together to create this image of this guy, who wasn’t actually a good guy or at least not the man for you. And it’s that constructed version of him that makes you ache, that makes you hurt. It’s the version you miss so much. It’s the version that makes you wonder how you are ever going to find a guy like him again. You can’t imagine that another guy like him, with all his unique qualities, could exist.
The creation/idea you thought you were with, the guy you miss so much actually treated you horribly, made you cry, made you feel lonely. But you don’t think as much about those horrible moments when you are thinking of him, do you?
The parts of him that you do miss don’t really involve the negative. Rather, it’s about the idyllic. It’s about little moments with him that were so amazing; you can just close your eyes and go back to them and feel incredibly happy and then incredibly sad.
Whenever you should be reminding yourself that this guy hurt you, disappointed you, you do just the opposite. The man you managed to create, who doesn’t really exist, pops up. He’s smiling, he’s making you feel special, he’s the one who makes you feel invincible. “The idea” of him comes roaring back and sets you further behind in your progress to properly move on.
Nighttime is the worst, isn’t it? The anxiety runs high. Nothing can seemingly soothe the frustration, anger, sense of loss. Being alone is painful, but even being with your friends is equally tension-filled.
It’s enough to make you want to throw something against the wall, “Why can’t I just stop re-engaging, why can’t I just move on, why can’t I stop missing him? Why can’t I make this go away?”
You’re not going to stop missing “him” until you first acknowledge that he was never really there to begin with.
He was just a ghost.
From the Current Conscience
Blog by Yashar
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
Funny how post like this come to me when I need it. I am really struggling this week, I found out my AXH moved out of the state this weekend, to work somewhere else but my son will not tell me where. So I called my x. after over a year of NC, and he was nice and I was so scared. The excuse was, I got a statement from his retirement account and since I don't know where he is going I just told him I have it. He has changed, he was nice and it makes me mad that he is finally sober and I miss him, and I wonder why he left our relationship of 17 years, why he did not give ME the time to recover like I did and waited for him.
My therapist said I am following him with my empty bucket so he can fill it for me...he moved on and I am stuck!!! and yes it hurts like hell.
The sad thing is that my fiance is everything I wanted my X to be, so why am I still chasing my X??
Is it an illussion? Is his recovery real? Did he ever love me? How can he just moved on after all the promisses!! He told me I was his last..but has been many after me. Why do I care?? Over 3 years going to alanon and therapist and I feel I am going backwards.
My therapist said I am following him with my empty bucket so he can fill it for me...he moved on and I am stuck!!! and yes it hurts like hell.
The sad thing is that my fiance is everything I wanted my X to be, so why am I still chasing my X??
Is it an illussion? Is his recovery real? Did he ever love me? How can he just moved on after all the promisses!! He told me I was his last..but has been many after me. Why do I care?? Over 3 years going to alanon and therapist and I feel I am going backwards.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
:,l thank you. this is tough to swallow. I've always said I love Dr. Jeckle and if only Mr. Hyde would go away then it would be ok. Im struggling even more now that he is working recovery. thank you thank you thank you for reminding me that he hurt me, and his addiction is no excuse. and yet I am a hypocrite because I am not going to write him a dear john letter. just trying to be honest. Im not breaking up with him right now. I only pray and am trying to get strong during the separation to not cancel my personal plans to go on a date, and to not neglect my friends for him. this may be a bad idea in many ways, but Im just trying to be honest.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 30
Much needed post! I left my xabf 5 months ago and I keep thinking of this fantasy. Yes we had many laughs and he was nice, but he also hurt me pretty bad and we had many wth is going on days too. I didn't know about his addiction he hid it from me, lied so much looking back. He got arrested and a couple days later was like I can't move forward. This post is great bc this is exactly what I keep doing thinking of the "good" and thinking if I stayed I will just see good.
But reality is recovery is hard too right? For those of you involved with one. My ex and i have had no contact for months but I know he's in rehab and therapy. But still..I must accept reality. I spent weekend crying for him..why! Like my post from December ..he said that he is angry I left him, if I loved him I would have stayed. I'm stronger than letting that statement get to me, I know it's not true.
Thanks for post
But reality is recovery is hard too right? For those of you involved with one. My ex and i have had no contact for months but I know he's in rehab and therapy. But still..I must accept reality. I spent weekend crying for him..why! Like my post from December ..he said that he is angry I left him, if I loved him I would have stayed. I'm stronger than letting that statement get to me, I know it's not true.
Thanks for post
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Lily, I felt the same way at first. (My codependent thinking). Now I realize 2 healthy, whole people make a healthy, whole relationship. It's not about the time for me anymore, its about the quality. 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 72
wow that was amazing... brought a few tears to my eyes... My Ex is in rehab for the next 5 months he's sounding like he's doing well. (for now) Hopefully for ever, that's when the true strength needs to come in... for me that is, to not do exactly what this post just described... thank you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 168
I hurt because I realize I was in love with an illusion. My ex has an amazing body, good looks but is the bumdest looser ever. He goes around telling women he studied physiology in college but he works for metal company making minimum wage, and these dumb girls believe him. But I was in love with his body, the idea that he could be the father of my child ( I tried for 2 years to get pregnant wanted a baby so desperately and he got me pregnant twice) he even told me when we breaking up he is the smartest con artist, criminal I will ever know and that if he didn’t want me to find out he cheated on me then I would never, but idiot left all his emails and the other girls text on his phone. So much for being smart. But you are right I never think about all the pain he caused I always think about how special he made me feel during the times I was pregnant.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Im feining again. needed to express it. so I came to this post and it helped a little. "it does not do to dwell on dreams Harry, and forget to live." ~ J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone. I am like Harry. I sit in front of the mirror that shows my hearts desire. "many men have wasted away in front of it" I am Wendy waiting by the window for Peter to come home. Peter Pan did come home from neverland, but Wendy was a very old woman by then.... thank you for this post. thank you.
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