Im new here, please listen
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Double Six,
Glad you are still reading the forum. It is important so you don't create your own version of reality, which we all do in isolation with an addict.
About using a gas card to allow her to fuel up for work (mentioned earlier): unfortunately, though it seems a reasonable alternative to giving an addict money for fuel, many addicts get around the card maneuver. An addict lingers at the gas pumps, someone pulls in for gas, the addict offers the driver $30 of gasoline with addict's card in return for $20 cash. So the addict gets $20 cash. The other driver is happy about getting 30 dollars of gas for 20.
Cutting off her money will just make her more of a creative liar and manipulator. If she isn't in recovery, she is in active addiction. And there is no controlling her getting the drug by any means.
You are very concerned about her emotional fragility and her inability to cope with real life and you think this is why she using heroin.
An inability or unwillingness to cope with life or a need to medicate unmanageable feelings may have led to her first picking up heroin.
But TODAY she uses heroin because the chemistry of her brain has been permanently altered. She uses heroin because she has grown new dopamine receptors in her brain which now create an uncontrollable compulsion to use. She has LOST CONTROL. And she uses heroin because physically her body and mind will go into a state of acute chaos and pain without it--the very opposite of the euphoria she experiences on it. The issue of emotional fragility, or of being bored at home, or of having no career....those issues are not compelling her to use. They are RECOVERY issues. Today she has only USING issues.
You are wrong to trust her to be responsible with the children after school. If she continues to use heroin, her tolerance levels will increase. She will need more of it and more often. It is very common for active heroin addicts to use 6 times a day. That morning score you mention will not be sustainable if she continues to use. She will need more and more frequently.
So please make a plan which will protect your children from being left alone with her. On this you will need to really be vigilant.
Glad you are still reading the forum. It is important so you don't create your own version of reality, which we all do in isolation with an addict.
About using a gas card to allow her to fuel up for work (mentioned earlier): unfortunately, though it seems a reasonable alternative to giving an addict money for fuel, many addicts get around the card maneuver. An addict lingers at the gas pumps, someone pulls in for gas, the addict offers the driver $30 of gasoline with addict's card in return for $20 cash. So the addict gets $20 cash. The other driver is happy about getting 30 dollars of gas for 20.
Cutting off her money will just make her more of a creative liar and manipulator. If she isn't in recovery, she is in active addiction. And there is no controlling her getting the drug by any means.
You are very concerned about her emotional fragility and her inability to cope with real life and you think this is why she using heroin.
An inability or unwillingness to cope with life or a need to medicate unmanageable feelings may have led to her first picking up heroin.
But TODAY she uses heroin because the chemistry of her brain has been permanently altered. She uses heroin because she has grown new dopamine receptors in her brain which now create an uncontrollable compulsion to use. She has LOST CONTROL. And she uses heroin because physically her body and mind will go into a state of acute chaos and pain without it--the very opposite of the euphoria she experiences on it. The issue of emotional fragility, or of being bored at home, or of having no career....those issues are not compelling her to use. They are RECOVERY issues. Today she has only USING issues.
You are wrong to trust her to be responsible with the children after school. If she continues to use heroin, her tolerance levels will increase. She will need more of it and more often. It is very common for active heroin addicts to use 6 times a day. That morning score you mention will not be sustainable if she continues to use. She will need more and more frequently.
So please make a plan which will protect your children from being left alone with her. On this you will need to really be vigilant.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Please keep in mind Doublesix, the drugs will scream louder then any child can. Right now she needs that drug, like we need air. In her addict mind, it becomes a life or death decision when continuing to use.
Please find a way to protect your children. Right now, her only priority is to protect and sustain her addiction.
Please find a way to protect your children. Right now, her only priority is to protect and sustain her addiction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: wokingham, berkshire
Posts: 11
Ive been of the forum for a while trying to cope with something unimaginable.
I really thought things had got as bad as they could get until I found out that one of my children is not mine. I am absolutely devastated and am not sure how im getting through the day at the moment.
Standing back from all this, she is just bad news and i need to get away. The trouble is I dont even know how. I cant leave the children so what can I do? If I threatened to kick her out she would never go. Even if I did how would I hold down a job, pay the mortgage fully on my own and pay childcare? The sums dont add up. I need to find out if there is help for single dads in the UK, although I suspect there isnt any.
I guess we could file for separation, sell the house, go our separate ways and then I apply for custody of the children. Even then I am going to have to prove I can do it on my own (despite the fact she is an addict). I still dont see how it can work financially. Sure I would have to pay maintenance in the short term, which would really kill me knowing its all getting smoked.
She has totally wrecked my life and also my kids. I cannot believe i did not walk away.
I really thought things had got as bad as they could get until I found out that one of my children is not mine. I am absolutely devastated and am not sure how im getting through the day at the moment.
Standing back from all this, she is just bad news and i need to get away. The trouble is I dont even know how. I cant leave the children so what can I do? If I threatened to kick her out she would never go. Even if I did how would I hold down a job, pay the mortgage fully on my own and pay childcare? The sums dont add up. I need to find out if there is help for single dads in the UK, although I suspect there isnt any.
I guess we could file for separation, sell the house, go our separate ways and then I apply for custody of the children. Even then I am going to have to prove I can do it on my own (despite the fact she is an addict). I still dont see how it can work financially. Sure I would have to pay maintenance in the short term, which would really kill me knowing its all getting smoked.
She has totally wrecked my life and also my kids. I cannot believe i did not walk away.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: wokingham, berkshire
Posts: 11
They are 3 and 5. The 5 year old is getting to the age where she is starting to pick up on things, she knows somethings wrong.
To be honest, right now I cant bear to be in the house with her, she makes me feel sick. I just want to get away from all this.
Its not fair on me or the kids to have our lives ruined.
To be honest, right now I cant bear to be in the house with her, she makes me feel sick. I just want to get away from all this.
Its not fair on me or the kids to have our lives ruined.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
It will change your life, but it won't ruin your lives if you don't allow it.
On the good side, them being small might give you more time to control any damage and begin a life that will be healthy and positive for them.
What is her current demeanor? Is she willing to leave or have you not discussed it? Does she have any place she can go asap to give you both some breathing room? Can you take a few days off work?
Do take time to feel all these emotions - you will likely go through the 7 stages of grief and it is best (in my opinion) to let yourself have time to grieve.
You don't have to take action today unless she is endangering the kids. Can you start making a list of your options? For instance, getting her out and having someone help with childcare in exchange for room and board? Do you have family around that can help? Friends or neighbors with kids that might help with childcare in exchange for you helping them with their kids on the weekends?
Again, sorry this is happening. You will get through it and things will be better some day.
On the good side, them being small might give you more time to control any damage and begin a life that will be healthy and positive for them.
What is her current demeanor? Is she willing to leave or have you not discussed it? Does she have any place she can go asap to give you both some breathing room? Can you take a few days off work?
Do take time to feel all these emotions - you will likely go through the 7 stages of grief and it is best (in my opinion) to let yourself have time to grieve.
You don't have to take action today unless she is endangering the kids. Can you start making a list of your options? For instance, getting her out and having someone help with childcare in exchange for room and board? Do you have family around that can help? Friends or neighbors with kids that might help with childcare in exchange for you helping them with their kids on the weekends?
Again, sorry this is happening. You will get through it and things will be better some day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: wokingham, berkshire
Posts: 11
I am so angry at the moment.
I have come down pretty hard with not giving in to her demands for money lately. We had an agreement with her brother that she gives him her wages (or some of it) and then releases it on a weekly basis. I did not enforce this, its something they came up with.
Anyway she comes to me this morning for money to put in the car, so i tell her straight, no more money from me and I dont care what its for. We had a row, she goes off running to her brother, obviosly feeding them a sob story about how I am being horrible.
So now they are angry at me!
I had this a few weeks ago with a friend of hers. When I was upset about little my girl not being mine (just found out a few weeks back) I was accused of not being adult about it and how I need to get over my insecurities and how my little girl is better of without me! Its just unbelievable. Her friend is not an addict iether so I would assume would be sane to at least see my side.
I just dont know whats wrong with the world right now. How on earth can i be the villan in all this? WTF have I done? I feel like I have to justify everything i do.
She must do a damn good job of maniplualting people emotionally that somehow I am the bad one. I am the one who has stuck there through thick and thin and its getting turned back on me.
I feel like this is so wrong and unfair.
has anyone else had this?
The only reason I cant think is that I am 5 years ahead of them in dealing with this. I have been through trying to help over and over. They are just starting out on their crusade to help the poor little victim.
Sorry had to vent today.
I have come down pretty hard with not giving in to her demands for money lately. We had an agreement with her brother that she gives him her wages (or some of it) and then releases it on a weekly basis. I did not enforce this, its something they came up with.
Anyway she comes to me this morning for money to put in the car, so i tell her straight, no more money from me and I dont care what its for. We had a row, she goes off running to her brother, obviosly feeding them a sob story about how I am being horrible.
So now they are angry at me!
I had this a few weeks ago with a friend of hers. When I was upset about little my girl not being mine (just found out a few weeks back) I was accused of not being adult about it and how I need to get over my insecurities and how my little girl is better of without me! Its just unbelievable. Her friend is not an addict iether so I would assume would be sane to at least see my side.
I just dont know whats wrong with the world right now. How on earth can i be the villan in all this? WTF have I done? I feel like I have to justify everything i do.
She must do a damn good job of maniplualting people emotionally that somehow I am the bad one. I am the one who has stuck there through thick and thin and its getting turned back on me.
I feel like this is so wrong and unfair.
has anyone else had this?
The only reason I cant think is that I am 5 years ahead of them in dealing with this. I have been through trying to help over and over. They are just starting out on their crusade to help the poor little victim.
Sorry had to vent today.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 59
I have heard that opiate addictions are excruciatingly difficult to control. What a horrible situation for all of you.
If you have a way in the UK to have her declared incompetent, that might be the way to go. Difficult for you and the children, I know, but I have no doubt that it will be far more damaging to allow her to remain in their lives.
I wish you all the best. I know it is heartbreaking.
If you have a way in the UK to have her declared incompetent, that might be the way to go. Difficult for you and the children, I know, but I have no doubt that it will be far more damaging to allow her to remain in their lives.
I wish you all the best. I know it is heartbreaking.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
When we get between the addict and their DOC, we become the enemy. It's just how it works. And yes.....they can spin a tale of woe to others that make us look like monsters. It's what addicts do....and they do it well.
There are three people in this scenario who deserve to live their lives without the insanity of addiction....you and those two little kids. She's a big girl.....and, in theory, can take care of herself. Perhaps one of those people she is bamboozling will take her in.....they'll figure things out quickly when their world becomes unmanageable due to her addiction.
It's always heartbreaking when children are involved......you and your family are in my prayers.
Usually......we don't really have problems........we just have solutions that we don't like.
gentle hugs
ke
There are three people in this scenario who deserve to live their lives without the insanity of addiction....you and those two little kids. She's a big girl.....and, in theory, can take care of herself. Perhaps one of those people she is bamboozling will take her in.....they'll figure things out quickly when their world becomes unmanageable due to her addiction.
It's always heartbreaking when children are involved......you and your family are in my prayers.
Usually......we don't really have problems........we just have solutions that we don't like.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 157
Doublesix,
I am very new here also. So I don't want to advise you either way. I will tell you though, when I found this board a week ago it has changed my life! I thought I was alone and no one knew what this was like to live in this craziness. I will tell you, LISTEN to these people! They know what they are talking about. They can give you comfort.
I am sorry that you are dealing with this. It is very hard to make a decision on what to do when she is the mother of your children. Maybe you will find help and some peace here. I hope.
My best to you and your kids
I am very new here also. So I don't want to advise you either way. I will tell you though, when I found this board a week ago it has changed my life! I thought I was alone and no one knew what this was like to live in this craziness. I will tell you, LISTEN to these people! They know what they are talking about. They can give you comfort.
I am sorry that you are dealing with this. It is very hard to make a decision on what to do when she is the mother of your children. Maybe you will find help and some peace here. I hope.
My best to you and your kids
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Doublesix - I also just recently joined this forum and it is a LIFE SAVER!
Keep coming back and venting and sharing your experiences and asking questions. Read as much as you can and soak it up. There is so much we can learn about ourselves and the nature of addiction that can help us take better care of ourselves and help us stop feeling so crazy and upset all the time. We can even start feeling GOOD! Hang in there. xo
Keep coming back and venting and sharing your experiences and asking questions. Read as much as you can and soak it up. There is so much we can learn about ourselves and the nature of addiction that can help us take better care of ourselves and help us stop feeling so crazy and upset all the time. We can even start feeling GOOD! Hang in there. xo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I feel like I have to justify everything i do.
only if you give them that much power over you. really, consider the source, is THEIR opinion of any importance whatsover??? are they living YOUR life? no. rise above. maybe do some "housecleaning" regarding who you let rent space in your head.
and by all means, VENT.
only if you give them that much power over you. really, consider the source, is THEIR opinion of any importance whatsover??? are they living YOUR life? no. rise above. maybe do some "housecleaning" regarding who you let rent space in your head.
and by all means, VENT.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Warrior, Alabama
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by February13 
Do not leave your children alone with her. Not while you go grocery shopping, not while
you go to the dentist, not while you go to work. I know this is very inconvenient but
you have to protect them.This is also the advice I got from our doctor when I discussed
my ex's addiction with him.
Please do attend Alanon meeetings (you might even find one that offers childcare!).
Read the book. Talk to other people. Figure out what is right for you.
you go to the dentist, not while you go to work. I know this is very inconvenient but
you have to protect them.This is also the advice I got from our doctor when I discussed
my ex's addiction with him.
Please do attend Alanon meeetings (you might even find one that offers childcare!).
Read the book. Talk to other people. Figure out what is right for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: wokingham, berkshire
Posts: 11
The simple act of being able to post on this forum and to read the responses is a huge help.
This forum, counselling, yoga, close friends and family are what is keeping me sane right now.
I am currently seeking advice in terms of where I stand legally and also what benifits I am eligble for if I am to do this alone.
This forum, counselling, yoga, close friends and family are what is keeping me sane right now.
I am currently seeking advice in terms of where I stand legally and also what benifits I am eligble for if I am to do this alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: wokingham, berkshire
Posts: 11
Have been absent for a while. I cant believe how much has happened over the last few months.
She went abroad for a while in an effort to get clean and came back having met some guy who she has developed a relationship with. She even told me she loved him and that he understood more about her than I ever did! The truth is he understands **** all about her. Still hard to take though when your living in the same house and are married.
Then I find out about some other dealer guy that she has been knocking around with and there are rumors there as well.
On top of all this I have had to deal with totally unreasonable behavior, running down the street after me as i go to work, phoning me and harassing me while i'm at work for money, threatening me she will tell the police I have hit her.... the list goes on and on.
She has manipulated her family into hating me and seeing me as a nasty bully who is hindering her recovery. Its my fault she cant get better living with a monster like me.
One good thing is that social services now know everything and are heavily involved. They have stated she cant leave with the children.
I'm in a tough spot now. I cannot continue living like this and nor can the children. But she wont leave. I have to seek legal advice now as what my options are.
She went abroad for a while in an effort to get clean and came back having met some guy who she has developed a relationship with. She even told me she loved him and that he understood more about her than I ever did! The truth is he understands **** all about her. Still hard to take though when your living in the same house and are married.
Then I find out about some other dealer guy that she has been knocking around with and there are rumors there as well.
On top of all this I have had to deal with totally unreasonable behavior, running down the street after me as i go to work, phoning me and harassing me while i'm at work for money, threatening me she will tell the police I have hit her.... the list goes on and on.
She has manipulated her family into hating me and seeing me as a nasty bully who is hindering her recovery. Its my fault she cant get better living with a monster like me.
One good thing is that social services now know everything and are heavily involved. They have stated she cant leave with the children.
I'm in a tough spot now. I cannot continue living like this and nor can the children. But she wont leave. I have to seek legal advice now as what my options are.
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