Im new here, please listen
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: wokingham, berkshire
Posts: 11
Im new here, please listen
Hi,
its taken some courage to sign up and post here, so here goes.
Seven years ago i met a wonderful girl. We fell in love, but within our first year i realized something was wrong. I could not figure it out as when we were together things were great. But she was always late, always had to pop off sooner than expected and generally seemed distant at times. I was convinced she was having an affair. I pushed her on it, she denied any affair but told me she was in trouble. She broke down and told me a story about owing people money. This much was true but she did not tell me what for.
Some more time passed and one day it all came out. One of her friends contacted her mum and then her mum told what was going on. I was pretty shocked at what i was hearing, but i know this is crazy, i was relieved that she was not having an affair.
I gave her an ultimatum and said the only chance she had was to get on a recovery program, which she did. She was put on methadone but the next year was pretty tough with its ups and downs. I basically saw her hit the bottom and it was pretty horrendous. Things spiraled downwards and she lost her job which she loved. She then began to stabilize and managed to pick herself up and get a part time job and she was doing ok. Then she fell pregnant. We were both shocked as she has PCOS and was told by her doctors she could not conceive naturally (this is actually true and not a lie she span me). I was prepared to stand with her through this. I know she was using on and off through the pregnancy which disgusted me though.
Our beautiful baby was born, we moved to a better area and things were on the up. She was and still is a wonderful natural mother. We had a 2nd child, again, she was using on and off but she seemed generally stable, still working, money seemed ok.
About 5 months ago i noticed it, asking for money for shopping, money to get fuel in the car... I began to find foil in the back of the car, under the sofa and i pressed her on it. Denial, denial, denial. We would go for days without talking, then i would come round, things would be good again, then we would argue about money or i would find something again. It came to a head on Christmas Eve. I had a phone call from the police saying she had been caught smoking in a car park. She was taken in and given a caution. I had my mother staying with us over Christmas so I had to fabricate a story about dangerous driving. The kids were asking where Mummy was, with me having to lie (they are 3 and 5yrs old). Completely ridiculous.
As part of the caution she was supposed to go to the station and book an appointment with a drug clinic which she did not. Yesterday the police turned up at 3PM in the afternoon with a warrant for her arrest. I had to leave work early to look after the kids while she went down the station again. Our house is right on the school road, so all the Mums were having a good look at the police car in the driveway...
Up until now i have been hiding the problem for her until i broke this week. I have told her brother and also her mum that she is using again, so they know everything.
She no longer denies using, she cant as she has been caught, but she denies the extent. I know for a fact its every day now.
I have recently started to see a counseller who has given me some good advice. I have basically been enabling the habit due to covering for her and also giving her money. I am getting harder with her over the money and refused it this morning. She became hysterical and would not let me leave the house for work. She was angry, tried to hit me and then begged me to stay. I told her i needed to go to work and to phone her support worker. She did actually phone her.
She has recently re-engaged with the drug recovery service which is promising, but i know there is a long way down from here. I have to get tough and refuse money. I know its likely she will lose her current job when she cant afford to put money in the car anymore.
I am scared what is going to happen as she cant try to give up while looking after 2 children. She simply cant cope without it. But I cant go on with her using anymore.
I dont know where to go from here. I flip from wanting to leave and trying to get custody of the children to wanting to stay and support her through it. I just dont know if i have the strength to do this again, watching her destroy herself but this time with the children watching.
Sometimes I wake up and think how the hell did i get here. Im in so deep and its partly my fault for accepting her and the addiction she comes with.
its taken some courage to sign up and post here, so here goes.
Seven years ago i met a wonderful girl. We fell in love, but within our first year i realized something was wrong. I could not figure it out as when we were together things were great. But she was always late, always had to pop off sooner than expected and generally seemed distant at times. I was convinced she was having an affair. I pushed her on it, she denied any affair but told me she was in trouble. She broke down and told me a story about owing people money. This much was true but she did not tell me what for.
Some more time passed and one day it all came out. One of her friends contacted her mum and then her mum told what was going on. I was pretty shocked at what i was hearing, but i know this is crazy, i was relieved that she was not having an affair.
I gave her an ultimatum and said the only chance she had was to get on a recovery program, which she did. She was put on methadone but the next year was pretty tough with its ups and downs. I basically saw her hit the bottom and it was pretty horrendous. Things spiraled downwards and she lost her job which she loved. She then began to stabilize and managed to pick herself up and get a part time job and she was doing ok. Then she fell pregnant. We were both shocked as she has PCOS and was told by her doctors she could not conceive naturally (this is actually true and not a lie she span me). I was prepared to stand with her through this. I know she was using on and off through the pregnancy which disgusted me though.
Our beautiful baby was born, we moved to a better area and things were on the up. She was and still is a wonderful natural mother. We had a 2nd child, again, she was using on and off but she seemed generally stable, still working, money seemed ok.
About 5 months ago i noticed it, asking for money for shopping, money to get fuel in the car... I began to find foil in the back of the car, under the sofa and i pressed her on it. Denial, denial, denial. We would go for days without talking, then i would come round, things would be good again, then we would argue about money or i would find something again. It came to a head on Christmas Eve. I had a phone call from the police saying she had been caught smoking in a car park. She was taken in and given a caution. I had my mother staying with us over Christmas so I had to fabricate a story about dangerous driving. The kids were asking where Mummy was, with me having to lie (they are 3 and 5yrs old). Completely ridiculous.
As part of the caution she was supposed to go to the station and book an appointment with a drug clinic which she did not. Yesterday the police turned up at 3PM in the afternoon with a warrant for her arrest. I had to leave work early to look after the kids while she went down the station again. Our house is right on the school road, so all the Mums were having a good look at the police car in the driveway...
Up until now i have been hiding the problem for her until i broke this week. I have told her brother and also her mum that she is using again, so they know everything.
She no longer denies using, she cant as she has been caught, but she denies the extent. I know for a fact its every day now.
I have recently started to see a counseller who has given me some good advice. I have basically been enabling the habit due to covering for her and also giving her money. I am getting harder with her over the money and refused it this morning. She became hysterical and would not let me leave the house for work. She was angry, tried to hit me and then begged me to stay. I told her i needed to go to work and to phone her support worker. She did actually phone her.
She has recently re-engaged with the drug recovery service which is promising, but i know there is a long way down from here. I have to get tough and refuse money. I know its likely she will lose her current job when she cant afford to put money in the car anymore.
I am scared what is going to happen as she cant try to give up while looking after 2 children. She simply cant cope without it. But I cant go on with her using anymore.
I dont know where to go from here. I flip from wanting to leave and trying to get custody of the children to wanting to stay and support her through it. I just dont know if i have the strength to do this again, watching her destroy herself but this time with the children watching.
Sometimes I wake up and think how the hell did i get here. Im in so deep and its partly my fault for accepting her and the addiction she comes with.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Hi Double six. I'm new here myself but wanted to say "welcome" and I'm sorry for what has brought you here. I'm hesitant to throw advice around but am confident you will find a lot of good solid support here. We all understand your frustration and angst. Please keep looking through the site...you' 'll be amazed at the common thread. I wish you strength and peace from "across the pond"'.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I dont know where to go from here. I flip from wanting to leave and trying to get custody of the children to wanting to stay and support her through it. I just dont know if i have the strength to do this again, watching her destroy herself but this time with the children watching.
Take a good read around, especially the "sticky" threads at the top of this forum and you'll find a lot of helpful information.
If your children are ever unsupervised under her care, they ARE in danger now and I think you should think seriously about that. She cannot take care of herself right now, you simply cannot trust her to responsibly take care of your children.
Whatever you decide to to, we support you here. We've all been where you are at one time, trying to save our loved one and destroying our own lives in the process. It doesn't have to be like that. I pray things will get better for you soon.
Welcome to SR. It's a wonderful place here where you are among friends who understand.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
In Al-Anon, this is called the Merry Go-Round of Addiction. The circular ride continues because of denial. Welcome to SR. It's very good you are reaching out to a recovery forum as well as seeing a counselor.
Here in the States, children will be removed from the custody of a mother in active drug addiction for the simple reason they are in danger of abuse and neglect. It is very very hard for the spouse of an addict to believe that the addict would ever endanger their beloved children. But it is because the spouse refuses to accept that probability that the courts have to step in and do what is right for the protection of the children.
She does not get to be more important than your children. She does not get to come first in the family. She is living a secret life and likely has been using far longer than you think. And she has betrayed all of you. She abandons the children and you every time she gets high. You wonder if you should leave her. But she separated from you emotionally a long time ago. Do not believe her histrionics. What she is really worried about is any change in the status quo, because that means her drug life gets more complicated for her.
So you have to pull yourself up and break the pattern. You have to change the status quo in a DRAMATIC fashion. Addicts hear what we do, never what we say. And you could keep your babies on a very dangerous merry-go-round throughout their childhood. What child on earth deserves to be robbed of the one place which should be safe and stable: the family home?
Gather support from other people in recovery there and they can help you set boundaries and stick to them. They can help you stop the merry-go-round of crisis, reconciliation, honeymoon, crisis, reconciliation, honeymoon, crisis......Your addict wife will scream and cry and threaten. But she does not come first anymore.
Things will initially get worse when an addict loses control of her enabling spouse. But it is the only chance, the ONLY chance that your story could have a positive outcome.
Here in the States, children will be removed from the custody of a mother in active drug addiction for the simple reason they are in danger of abuse and neglect. It is very very hard for the spouse of an addict to believe that the addict would ever endanger their beloved children. But it is because the spouse refuses to accept that probability that the courts have to step in and do what is right for the protection of the children.
She does not get to be more important than your children. She does not get to come first in the family. She is living a secret life and likely has been using far longer than you think. And she has betrayed all of you. She abandons the children and you every time she gets high. You wonder if you should leave her. But she separated from you emotionally a long time ago. Do not believe her histrionics. What she is really worried about is any change in the status quo, because that means her drug life gets more complicated for her.
So you have to pull yourself up and break the pattern. You have to change the status quo in a DRAMATIC fashion. Addicts hear what we do, never what we say. And you could keep your babies on a very dangerous merry-go-round throughout their childhood. What child on earth deserves to be robbed of the one place which should be safe and stable: the family home?
Gather support from other people in recovery there and they can help you set boundaries and stick to them. They can help you stop the merry-go-round of crisis, reconciliation, honeymoon, crisis, reconciliation, honeymoon, crisis......Your addict wife will scream and cry and threaten. But she does not come first anymore.
Things will initially get worse when an addict loses control of her enabling spouse. But it is the only chance, the ONLY chance that your story could have a positive outcome.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
Doublesix - I'm so sorry you are going through this. It took me years and the police showing up at my door questioning whether "I" was endangering my children when my exAH was arrested before I realized that everything that English Garden said above is spot on...BTW - I'm not an addict but I have spent many years enabling my exAH and hiding his addiction from my boys. Please get yourself help and keep your children safe.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Sometimes I wake up and think how the hell did i get here. Im in so deep and its partly my fault for accepting her and the addiction she comes with.
I commend you for finding the courage to share your story with us. That's not an easy thing to do. But you're amongst friends here. Some us of are where you are. Others have moved on without the addict in their lives. And some of us are somewhere in between, trying to figure out how to get through the day.
I'm guessing since you've been a member since December, you've read a lot of posts and perhaps the sticky notes at the top of our home page. So, I will leave you with this:
Do you want to be part of the problem, or part of the solution?
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: new york
Posts: 5
Double Six
I completely understand where you are coming from. It's a very hard thing to deal with. I've been in denial for a long time about my husbands problem. I am also trying to find a way to deal with it. Hopefully we can help each other out.
I completely understand where you are coming from. It's a very hard thing to deal with. I've been in denial for a long time about my husbands problem. I am also trying to find a way to deal with it. Hopefully we can help each other out.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
Dear Double6,
I too have children and their father was and is an addict! I know your pain, frustration, fear, uncertainty, confusion, anxiousness and all the ups and downs of feeling helpless! Im truly so very sorry you have been subjected to this "tornado" called addiction! Im even more saddened that your innocent children, not only don't have a "mother" but are living in pure chaos and madness! This is how "normal" is for them and this is so sad! They can't get up and leave, they can't develop as they should, their lives become interrupted. Their ability to survive this becomes a way of life, because they know nothing else! As they continue to grow up in this and are exposed to this enviornment they stay "stuck" in a survival mode way of life! This will has, begun a life patteren for them this is their "normal"! No child should be forced to live in a damaging, unhealthy enviornment which is generated by fear and confusion! You may think because they are "little" they don't understand or know, and partly true! But the are being effected everyday they live in active addiction enviornmentss. Please believe me when I say they are being effected in ways that you can't see yet!
Now breath deeply and take a look at what can you do to protect your children first and then you!? That has got to be number one! There is hope for all of you! Someone one has to put those kids first and provide a safe and loving enviornment for them and not just when the addict has a day of "im sorry"! She is sick, and her sickness makes everyone around her sick; kids included! If someone had a life threating illness and they only way to keep from gettting other people sick is to get treatment and did not would you make your kids live there with them knowing they will adventually get sick? I hope your answer would be no! This is the same with their mom! Until she gets "treatment" she will continune to infect everyone she coomes into contact with!
Alanon and naranon offer help to to famlies and loved ones of addicts! Please go to one of them and see if they can help you, help yourself and kids!
My dear man, know that you are doing the best you can with what you know to do. You may not have been aware if the seriousness of what happens in active addiction to everyone involved! Now you have an awareness and have to accept this before you take action! These programs will give you tools to do what you need to to! You will adventually find strength, clarity and courage to change what you can! You! Living with the problem of addiction distorts our thinking and we try to force solutions we have no power over. Our lifes become unmanageable.
I know that what I said is probably scary sounding and it is a scary place to be, but life can get better for you and your kids if you choose that. Same for your loved one, if she chooses it, her life can get better!
I know you love your kids and so does their mom. But love wont change things, nothing changes unles something changes! Someone has to take a stand and make a commitment to a better life with support and help it can change things!
Put things into perspective and first things first! 1st The welfare of the kids! 2nd getting help, which you have taken steps in that direction, coming here and counseling, now get yourself involved in a program that teaches you about enabling and addiction and teaches you how to take care of you so you and how to heal from the effects of addiction.
Your in the right place, and searching for answers and help and that's a start and the beginning of your recovery. Keep searching keep pushing forward, don't look back and be patient with yourself. Reach out to a power greater than yourself, a god of your understanding and let him lead you and guide you. I promise you if you have the willingness to surrender and get help things will change. How? That's between you and God! But as you go forward step by step little by little you will figure it out! It will be revealed to you aand you will find the courage to change the things you can!
These are just my experiences and opinions from my personal journey. Take what you like if anything at all and leave the rest! I say these things to you with love and respect! I have been there right where you are today. And I found hope and found courage and strength and began to change what I could me! Im a different person today, a healthier person. Spiritually, mentally, and emotionally and so are my kids! I had to work to get that and be honest, really honest with myself and take a look at me! Heal, feel the pain and let it go! Im not perfect and never will be but im a whole lot better than I was and I have peace in my life! A 12 step alanon program helped me to do this and the God of my understaanding and the people that have lived with and through the effects of addiction!
I will be praying for you and your kids and their mom!
I too have children and their father was and is an addict! I know your pain, frustration, fear, uncertainty, confusion, anxiousness and all the ups and downs of feeling helpless! Im truly so very sorry you have been subjected to this "tornado" called addiction! Im even more saddened that your innocent children, not only don't have a "mother" but are living in pure chaos and madness! This is how "normal" is for them and this is so sad! They can't get up and leave, they can't develop as they should, their lives become interrupted. Their ability to survive this becomes a way of life, because they know nothing else! As they continue to grow up in this and are exposed to this enviornment they stay "stuck" in a survival mode way of life! This will has, begun a life patteren for them this is their "normal"! No child should be forced to live in a damaging, unhealthy enviornment which is generated by fear and confusion! You may think because they are "little" they don't understand or know, and partly true! But the are being effected everyday they live in active addiction enviornmentss. Please believe me when I say they are being effected in ways that you can't see yet!
Now breath deeply and take a look at what can you do to protect your children first and then you!? That has got to be number one! There is hope for all of you! Someone one has to put those kids first and provide a safe and loving enviornment for them and not just when the addict has a day of "im sorry"! She is sick, and her sickness makes everyone around her sick; kids included! If someone had a life threating illness and they only way to keep from gettting other people sick is to get treatment and did not would you make your kids live there with them knowing they will adventually get sick? I hope your answer would be no! This is the same with their mom! Until she gets "treatment" she will continune to infect everyone she coomes into contact with!
Alanon and naranon offer help to to famlies and loved ones of addicts! Please go to one of them and see if they can help you, help yourself and kids!
My dear man, know that you are doing the best you can with what you know to do. You may not have been aware if the seriousness of what happens in active addiction to everyone involved! Now you have an awareness and have to accept this before you take action! These programs will give you tools to do what you need to to! You will adventually find strength, clarity and courage to change what you can! You! Living with the problem of addiction distorts our thinking and we try to force solutions we have no power over. Our lifes become unmanageable.
I know that what I said is probably scary sounding and it is a scary place to be, but life can get better for you and your kids if you choose that. Same for your loved one, if she chooses it, her life can get better!
I know you love your kids and so does their mom. But love wont change things, nothing changes unles something changes! Someone has to take a stand and make a commitment to a better life with support and help it can change things!
Put things into perspective and first things first! 1st The welfare of the kids! 2nd getting help, which you have taken steps in that direction, coming here and counseling, now get yourself involved in a program that teaches you about enabling and addiction and teaches you how to take care of you so you and how to heal from the effects of addiction.
Your in the right place, and searching for answers and help and that's a start and the beginning of your recovery. Keep searching keep pushing forward, don't look back and be patient with yourself. Reach out to a power greater than yourself, a god of your understanding and let him lead you and guide you. I promise you if you have the willingness to surrender and get help things will change. How? That's between you and God! But as you go forward step by step little by little you will figure it out! It will be revealed to you aand you will find the courage to change the things you can!
These are just my experiences and opinions from my personal journey. Take what you like if anything at all and leave the rest! I say these things to you with love and respect! I have been there right where you are today. And I found hope and found courage and strength and began to change what I could me! Im a different person today, a healthier person. Spiritually, mentally, and emotionally and so are my kids! I had to work to get that and be honest, really honest with myself and take a look at me! Heal, feel the pain and let it go! Im not perfect and never will be but im a whole lot better than I was and I have peace in my life! A 12 step alanon program helped me to do this and the God of my understaanding and the people that have lived with and through the effects of addiction!
I will be praying for you and your kids and their mom!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....you've found a great place with a lot of caring people who understand what it's like to love someone who is addicted.
EnglishGarden said so much with that one sentence.
I'm glad you told the family about it. Hiding the truth simply helps her protect her addiction. That was a huge step in not participating with her anymore to protect her addiction.
Keep coming back. Keep posting and reading. If you can, find a face to face support group. It helps.
gentle hugs
ke
Addicts hear what we do, never what we say.
I'm glad you told the family about it. Hiding the truth simply helps her protect her addiction. That was a huge step in not participating with her anymore to protect her addiction.
Keep coming back. Keep posting and reading. If you can, find a face to face support group. It helps.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: wokingham, berkshire
Posts: 11
I dont have much time to respond as im working right now.
All i can say to everyone who has replied so far is thankyou so much for your words, your understanding and your wisdom.
The counselling I am getting is addiction specific so i am getting good advice. The funny thing is i new i was enabling anyway, but i needed to be told it for me to be able to act upon it.
Next step is stopping the money. This is going to bring huge challenges to all of us. That means no money in the car for fuel, which she requires for work. She should be paying for that out of her fuel allowance, not me. I am going to tell her what the rules are going to be. Once her money is gone, she cant work, she loses the job. Terrible to watch, but anything else is enabling, right? Its almost like me ringing up her employer and telling all and watching her get sacked. So this will be hard.
All i can say to everyone who has replied so far is thankyou so much for your words, your understanding and your wisdom.
The counselling I am getting is addiction specific so i am getting good advice. The funny thing is i new i was enabling anyway, but i needed to be told it for me to be able to act upon it.
Next step is stopping the money. This is going to bring huge challenges to all of us. That means no money in the car for fuel, which she requires for work. She should be paying for that out of her fuel allowance, not me. I am going to tell her what the rules are going to be. Once her money is gone, she cant work, she loses the job. Terrible to watch, but anything else is enabling, right? Its almost like me ringing up her employer and telling all and watching her get sacked. So this will be hard.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
Do not leave your children alone with her. Not while you go grocery shopping, not while
you go to the dentist, not while you go to work. I know this is very inconvenient but
you have to protect them.This is also the advice I got from our doctor when I discussed
my ex's addiction with him.
Please do attend Alanon meeetings (you might even find one that offers childcare!).
Read the book. Talk to other people. Figure out what is right for you.
you go to the dentist, not while you go to work. I know this is very inconvenient but
you have to protect them.This is also the advice I got from our doctor when I discussed
my ex's addiction with him.
Please do attend Alanon meeetings (you might even find one that offers childcare!).
Read the book. Talk to other people. Figure out what is right for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Money … working she makes her own so she can choose to put fuel in her car or not. That will all be on her. You can not take away the money she earns.
Rules…take a huge step back and think boundaries.
Boundaries they are for you about you. I would involve her highly in setting them up in terms of the house and the children. Put her in the conversation, allow her to speak and without much coaching. Ask her what she can do to help herself. Ask her what can be done to ensure the safety of the children. She should be involved. And if you walk in spouting you must or I will, she will tune you out.
I did this here. I call it respect, just because my husband was an addict didn‘t mean he was unaware of what was most important.
Mean what you say, and say what you mean. Do not make any boundary that you know you can not at this time follow through with.
Boundary one should be …. I will work a strong program of recovery for myself because that is most important to insure I am talking care of me and my children. I am no good to anyone if I don‘t.
Boundary two should be … she is a grown woman and has all the capabilities of finding her way. I will stay on my side of the street and allow her the dignity of saving herself.
From there remember your boundaries can not have anything attached that will be a if I do this she will get well, if I do this it might stop her from using. When one wants to use they will find a way, keeping her away from money will not stop her, nothing will stop anyone who wants to get high. Anyone desperate enough can find a high within minutes and never leave their home.
Enabling in a nut shell, removing someone from the consequences of their actions by continuing to rescue, fix, smooth over, hide and cushion the natural progression of the situations they put themselves in. this doesn’t mean you run out and tell on her, you just let her have to deal with what she gets herself into.
You are not her savior, nor her jailer, nor her babysitter and she doesn’t need any of the following. Curb any need around to snoop or police her activities.
She doesn’t use at you. Don’t take it personal.
Do not react, each reaction is a dead giveaway of where you are struggling, where you won’t follow through and actually teaches the addicts in our lives to get smarter in terms of using and in covering it up.
And the lies…the lies you are telling yourself will be way more important than any lie ever told to you.
Find acceptance, let her go ( which has nothing to do with staying or leaving ) that would be a gift to you and her. If you can really work some recovery program that will be as well, to both of you. You just can’t say I won’t enable, you have to change your behavior as much as she does. You have to find your why’s, why you are as you are. She isn’t the only sick one in the house, addiction is a family disease and with good reason.
Take good care.
Rules…take a huge step back and think boundaries.
Boundaries they are for you about you. I would involve her highly in setting them up in terms of the house and the children. Put her in the conversation, allow her to speak and without much coaching. Ask her what she can do to help herself. Ask her what can be done to ensure the safety of the children. She should be involved. And if you walk in spouting you must or I will, she will tune you out.
I did this here. I call it respect, just because my husband was an addict didn‘t mean he was unaware of what was most important.
Mean what you say, and say what you mean. Do not make any boundary that you know you can not at this time follow through with.
Boundary one should be …. I will work a strong program of recovery for myself because that is most important to insure I am talking care of me and my children. I am no good to anyone if I don‘t.
Boundary two should be … she is a grown woman and has all the capabilities of finding her way. I will stay on my side of the street and allow her the dignity of saving herself.
From there remember your boundaries can not have anything attached that will be a if I do this she will get well, if I do this it might stop her from using. When one wants to use they will find a way, keeping her away from money will not stop her, nothing will stop anyone who wants to get high. Anyone desperate enough can find a high within minutes and never leave their home.
Enabling in a nut shell, removing someone from the consequences of their actions by continuing to rescue, fix, smooth over, hide and cushion the natural progression of the situations they put themselves in. this doesn’t mean you run out and tell on her, you just let her have to deal with what she gets herself into.
You are not her savior, nor her jailer, nor her babysitter and she doesn’t need any of the following. Curb any need around to snoop or police her activities.
She doesn’t use at you. Don’t take it personal.
Do not react, each reaction is a dead giveaway of where you are struggling, where you won’t follow through and actually teaches the addicts in our lives to get smarter in terms of using and in covering it up.
And the lies…the lies you are telling yourself will be way more important than any lie ever told to you.
Find acceptance, let her go ( which has nothing to do with staying or leaving ) that would be a gift to you and her. If you can really work some recovery program that will be as well, to both of you. You just can’t say I won’t enable, you have to change your behavior as much as she does. You have to find your why’s, why you are as you are. She isn’t the only sick one in the house, addiction is a family disease and with good reason.
Take good care.
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: The Middle Distance
Posts: 197
Doublesix, I am sorry for what your family is going through and my heart goes out to you. You are right; it does take courage to post. I am also new here to posting. I have gotten a lot of great feed back and support here and I see that you have also.
My daughter is a heroin addict so I know the ups, downs, spirals, etc. of addiction. For addicts and for those who love them. She lives in another city now and I haven't seen her in a while. I miss her but I know her only chance of ever recovering is to live independently and make her own decisions. So that's my story.
I'm grateful to for the support that I've gotten from many of the aforementioned in this post; AlAnon, Sober Recovery, etc and a selection from one of the AlAnon books called "Courage to Change" came to mind when I read your post. I copied it to read every time I doubt that enabling my daughter in any way will help her. It won't and on top of that it makes me crazy. The selection is from December 8 and I changed the word "alchoholic" to "addict" to personalize it for myself.
"The image of an avalanche helps me to give the addict in my life the dignity to make her own decisions. It is as though her actions are forming a mountain of drug related troubles. A mound of snow cannot indefinitely grow taller without tumbling down; neither can the addict's mountain of problems."
"Al-Anon has helped me to refrain from throwing myself in front of the addict to protect her, or from working feverishly to add to the mountain in order to speed its downward slide. I am powerless over her using drugs and her pain. The most helpful course of action is for me to stay out of the way!"
"If the avalanche hits the addict, it must be the result of her own actions. I'll do my best to allow God to care for her, even when painful consequences of her choices hit full force. That way I won't get in the way of her chance to want a better life." Courage to Change - December 8
My daughter is a heroin addict so I know the ups, downs, spirals, etc. of addiction. For addicts and for those who love them. She lives in another city now and I haven't seen her in a while. I miss her but I know her only chance of ever recovering is to live independently and make her own decisions. So that's my story.
I'm grateful to for the support that I've gotten from many of the aforementioned in this post; AlAnon, Sober Recovery, etc and a selection from one of the AlAnon books called "Courage to Change" came to mind when I read your post. I copied it to read every time I doubt that enabling my daughter in any way will help her. It won't and on top of that it makes me crazy. The selection is from December 8 and I changed the word "alchoholic" to "addict" to personalize it for myself.
"The image of an avalanche helps me to give the addict in my life the dignity to make her own decisions. It is as though her actions are forming a mountain of drug related troubles. A mound of snow cannot indefinitely grow taller without tumbling down; neither can the addict's mountain of problems."
"Al-Anon has helped me to refrain from throwing myself in front of the addict to protect her, or from working feverishly to add to the mountain in order to speed its downward slide. I am powerless over her using drugs and her pain. The most helpful course of action is for me to stay out of the way!"
"If the avalanche hits the addict, it must be the result of her own actions. I'll do my best to allow God to care for her, even when painful consequences of her choices hit full force. That way I won't get in the way of her chance to want a better life." Courage to Change - December 8
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 52
I'm Very sorry for your situation. Sadly I am in the exact same as you . I can tell you, though, how u deal with gas money for my AH.
I'm not sure where you live but here at our gas stations we have gift cards we can buy for fuel only. Every week I reload the card with enough gas money to last a week. He would go through a lot of gas because that is where he would use; in his car driving all over the place.-
Also until you decide what you are going to do , I would open up your own private bank acct that she has no access to. Hide your checks, debit card and credit cards.
I'm not sure where you live but here at our gas stations we have gift cards we can buy for fuel only. Every week I reload the card with enough gas money to last a week. He would go through a lot of gas because that is where he would use; in his car driving all over the place.-
Also until you decide what you are going to do , I would open up your own private bank acct that she has no access to. Hide your checks, debit card and credit cards.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: wokingham, berkshire
Posts: 11
Oh this is tough.
One scenario is this. She earns her own money, she has the choice to do what she wants with this (or does she, does an addict have a choice?). But what this means is that she works part time and does not earn that much. Out of this has to come fuel money and the agreement is that she gets the food for the house. I would say in the current climate and given our situation that its hard even without an addiction. There is simply no spare cash to feed an addiction like this.
So after 1 to 2 weeks she comes asking for money. Normally i fuel up the car but now I see this is enabling, just indirectly. If there is no money left, tough, its a consequence of her actions. She will lose her job, tough, consequence of her actions. I can no longer go on supporting this.
I need to sit down and talk to her about this sensibly, no lecturing, just this is how it is.
I guess I know whats coming when i change tact like this and its not nice. Maybe its easier to enable than watch someone fall apart mentally and physically right in front of you.
She has actually said she wants to stop, but she needs to get her meds sorted first, which is fair enough i suppose. I think she does want to stop, but she is simply not strong enough for it. There is temptation everywhere.
The thing i always come back to is she uses because she cant cope emotionally. So how can someone just stop when there is nothing to replace it with. We all need positive feedback in our lives to nourish our souls. How can an addict with no career and no coping mechanisms be expected to recover, sitting alone all day in the house? Counselling once a week is not going to be enough. Everyone who says they are there for support are never there because they have their own lives. Im just trying to see it from her side.
One scenario is this. She earns her own money, she has the choice to do what she wants with this (or does she, does an addict have a choice?). But what this means is that she works part time and does not earn that much. Out of this has to come fuel money and the agreement is that she gets the food for the house. I would say in the current climate and given our situation that its hard even without an addiction. There is simply no spare cash to feed an addiction like this.
So after 1 to 2 weeks she comes asking for money. Normally i fuel up the car but now I see this is enabling, just indirectly. If there is no money left, tough, its a consequence of her actions. She will lose her job, tough, consequence of her actions. I can no longer go on supporting this.
I need to sit down and talk to her about this sensibly, no lecturing, just this is how it is.
I guess I know whats coming when i change tact like this and its not nice. Maybe its easier to enable than watch someone fall apart mentally and physically right in front of you.
She has actually said she wants to stop, but she needs to get her meds sorted first, which is fair enough i suppose. I think she does want to stop, but she is simply not strong enough for it. There is temptation everywhere.
The thing i always come back to is she uses because she cant cope emotionally. So how can someone just stop when there is nothing to replace it with. We all need positive feedback in our lives to nourish our souls. How can an addict with no career and no coping mechanisms be expected to recover, sitting alone all day in the house? Counselling once a week is not going to be enough. Everyone who says they are there for support are never there because they have their own lives. Im just trying to see it from her side.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
What is it she is addicted to? is it crack? Heroin? Meth?
Chances are she would need a program and possibly a treatment centre if she wants to
quit and it would be hard but you cannot make her quit...
Are the kids ever alone with her?
If they are do you have a way to change that?
Do you know if she ever goes and score with the kids?
Do you think whoever sells her the stuff is ever in your home with your kids?
I have a three year old and I have been thinking about your post a lot, I hope your kids
are safe.
Chances are she would need a program and possibly a treatment centre if she wants to
quit and it would be hard but you cannot make her quit...
Are the kids ever alone with her?
If they are do you have a way to change that?
Do you know if she ever goes and score with the kids?
Do you think whoever sells her the stuff is ever in your home with your kids?
I have a three year old and I have been thinking about your post a lot, I hope your kids
are safe.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 178
It doesn't seem like you are even considering separation at this point but maybe you can google single parents and your area and see what resources are available, like childcare subsidies and that kind of stuff.Just to have an idea of what's out there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: wokingham, berkshire
Posts: 11
Its Heroin.
She is on a methadone program but in all honesty she has been left to drift. Of course, she was not exactly proactive with keeping up the meetings or counselling.
Yes the kids are alone with her after school but i do know the routine very well. Kids drop off in the morning, score, done for the day. On rare occasions where she is stressed, its score again when out at work in the evening. So she never goes with them anywhere. As far as i can see she keeps the two things separate. I would say she has been a functioning addict for a long time, but it is starting to slip now.
I would say if she has used in the day, she is entirely normal, you would have no idea. Its if she has not had any its not a pretty sight. Thats what is worrying me about putting a stop on the money. I know whats coming, but i am not sure how to handle the kids. There is support from the family on two days a week, but what about the other three when i am out at work.
It does not seem fair on the kids for me to change the balance like that. I need to plan some care somehow.
She is on a methadone program but in all honesty she has been left to drift. Of course, she was not exactly proactive with keeping up the meetings or counselling.
Yes the kids are alone with her after school but i do know the routine very well. Kids drop off in the morning, score, done for the day. On rare occasions where she is stressed, its score again when out at work in the evening. So she never goes with them anywhere. As far as i can see she keeps the two things separate. I would say she has been a functioning addict for a long time, but it is starting to slip now.
I would say if she has used in the day, she is entirely normal, you would have no idea. Its if she has not had any its not a pretty sight. Thats what is worrying me about putting a stop on the money. I know whats coming, but i am not sure how to handle the kids. There is support from the family on two days a week, but what about the other three when i am out at work.
It does not seem fair on the kids for me to change the balance like that. I need to plan some care somehow.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: wokingham, berkshire
Posts: 11
As far as i can tell there are no subsidies for anything in the UK, if you have a reasonable income, regardless of your situation. We get child benefit like everyone else, but thats it.
There may be something through the drug recovery programme, i know they have volunteers that help vulnerable people.
There may be something through the drug recovery programme, i know they have volunteers that help vulnerable people.
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