Defunk

I've posted here a few months ago, when my boyfriends drug problems popped up for the first in our relationship, he's been using off and on for years and years.

But any way, I've noticed for the past 3 days he's been high, nodding off, confused, not making any sense, etc. Pretty my much ruined my three days off work, and last night at 3am, I was sick of dealing it. I hate that he tries as hard as he can to act "normal", when we are hanging out, so I don't get mad at him. I hate that he lies about being on anything, at all. Usually if we're hanging out watching television, and he's nodding off, i'll just sit there quietly, pissed off, and not say anything. But last night was different, I demanded answers, and a confession, and I told him I refuse to be around him when he's high. I didn't care about a single thing that came out of his mouth, I wanted him to leave, immediately (at 3am). And that felt good, really good.

But in the middle of me kicking him out, he insisted on "explaining" himself, and claiming that I don't understand where he's coming from, I am making every thing worse because i'm not going to naranon/alanon. He goes to meetings (supposedly), working of his first step, has a sponsor. So some how its all my fault. And I am aware its not my fault, didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it. But where the hell does he get off attacking me and what I do with my life, when his addiction is HIS, not ours, but his and his alone. He tried to tell me I was taking his using personally. And I promptly said "like hell I am, you're acting ******, I don't want to deal with it, bottomline". How is that taking it personal?

I just don't know how to get through to him, if nothing else is. I know he's just an addict, and they do ****** things. But, heck, its annoying as hell.

Is refusing to be any where near him when he's high wrong? Or the right thing to do? It feels completely right to me.

Okay, i'm just blabbing now. I guess I needed to vent. Any advice or ideas, or similar stories would help a bunch. thanks guys!

Defunk

**The other weird thing, I know going to Al-anon or Nar-anon will help me understand, and know its not my fault, and have a peace of mind with it. But how does that help if he's still using. I'm not just going to deal with it? I'm not going to stop being pissed off if he come over to hang out, and hes high and annoying me the whole time.

dollydo

If he using he is not in recovery, he is just playing lets pretend, possibly to throw you off tract. They are masters at deflection, hence his statement about making everything worse by not going to Naranon. His recovery is his to manage, to accomplish, unfortunately, he does not appear to be in recovery.

I think that meeting were helpful to me, for me, my meetings had nothing to do with my ex's recovery, he had his job to do and I had mine. I accomplished mine...him...nope. As far as I know, he is still addicted. I believe that he will die an addict, his choice, not mine.

Set your bounderies, say what you mean and mean what you say, a boundery that is not enforced only makes everything worse, it gives all the power to the addict and they will
take advantage of it at every turn.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

dollydo

That's where enforcing your bounderies come in, if he is stoned, he is not welcome in your space, he will have to leave..No, is a complete sentence.

supportforme

Defunk - I'm sorry your dealing with this. The best thing you can do is go with your gut and take care of you. I listened to the lies and manipulation (while he was nodding and preaching recovery at the same time for many years. I became as sick as the addict. The best advice I can give is to focus on you and your recovery. Whether it's a meeting or personal therapy whatever works for you. Addiction is a progressive and cunning disease. If we allow it, it will take us down right along with the addict. His recovery is just that - HIS. Please get yourself help.

crazybabie

You seem to feel meetings will be helpful for you and I agree the program works if you work it. We learn how to be happy if the addict is using or not and so, so, many other things in meetings.

Defunk

Yeah, I guess I need to realize that there is a huge difference between his recovery, and mine own. His is only his, and mine is only mine. He needs to realize that too.

I just don't know how many chances I can to give him before he gets it. And how long until he realizes I have nothing to do with his sobriety. I feel like at any chance he gets, he makes it about me. And when I argue that idea, he tells me I don't understand and I'm not listening.

I have a really short fuse when it comes to hearing the same bull**** over and over and over again. But of course i'm the ***hole, and its my fault.

It upsets that he feels like we will never be okay, unless I go to al-anon. Even if i was going, he's still be getting high. I guess he thinks i'll stop being irritated by him. Or i will be "okay" with it, or I will stop paying attention to him using? I dont get it.

LoveMeNow

He is just manipulating you. Blame shifting, deflection, lying, and denying are all used to protect and sustain his addiction!

Wesley423

As an addict in recovery I can tell u if he is deflecting and blaming u then he's not in recovery. In my addiction I lost my wife who was my best friend. At the time it just didn't matter. When she left it was my wake up call. I could either own my addiction and do something about it or die. I chose to own it and work at recovery. I can honestly say that if she hadn't gone I would be dead. So for my dumb*** it took losing the most important thing in my life before I could change. I'm not telling u to leave. I'm just telling u what it took for me. I hope u find the answer that's best for u. Good luck and god bless!! Your pal in recovery...Wes...

Maylie

How typical that he is trying to blame the relationship problems on the fact that you are not going to meetings, when his using is the problem.

He wants you to "understand", but there isn't anything to understand, you have decided you do not want to deal with an active addict. That is your choice, it has nothing to do with not understanding him.

It sounds like you have a really good handle on his addiction being his and his alone. He wants to share the burden with you, wants to wrap you up in the addiction and make you feel like it is your fight to fight also. Stick with your gut and your logic and don't let him pull you into "We'll get through this...(this = his addiction). Really, HE needs to get through it, and you have the choice to wait until he does, or step away from the situation.

Have you thought about stepping away from the situation for awhile?

Defunk

Thank you Maylie, that helped a bunch.

I think that is the next best step for me, stepping away from the situation.

I kicked him out last night, haven't spoken to him, or tried to contact him since.

Next time I talk to him, I'm going to tell him I probably won't be around much for awhile.

Its frustrating because in march, I need to find a new place to live, I was supposed to move in with him, but there is no way that can happen.

MLH2282

Good for you! I'm glad you chose to step away from the situation with your ABF. I have come to learn that DISTANCE is one of the most beneficial things when dealing with an addict. I also think you should definitely find a place of your own. In my experience, living together makes detaching so much more difficult.

Keep your head up, and stick to your guns!

dollydo

"Its frustrating because in march, I need to find a new place to live, I was supposed to move in with him, but there is no way that can happen."

Yes, I agree, please don't move in with him, you will be living in a self-imposed prison with invisible bars. It will be a 1000% more difficult to let go, and your peace of mind? Well, IMO there will be none. Been there, done that...never again, I pass.

RedBaron5

This post is highly intelligent and correct. He is playing games with you and is nowhere close to a real recovery if this is how he is acting. It sounds like you have a very good grip on what is going on, set your boundaries and stick to them. Going to alanon and naranon will help you recognize the signs of a true recovery and when he is just manipulating you.

MiSoberbio

I agree with what most everyone is saying here, especially that you should rethink your plans to move in with him. It doesn't mean that you'll never have a relationship, but he's obviously NOT ready at this point. Living with a person in active addiction is exhausting, maddening, frightening, numbing, and soul-crushing. Your home should be a place of peace and rejuvenation for you.

However, I'd like to add my 2¢ about Nar-Anon/Al-Anon... Your posts reflect a lot of anger and frustration, about your BF, the situation, his addiction (and the deceit and manipulation that come with that), and your inability to make things work the way you think/feel/want them to work. I sense that you find much of boyfriend's behavior to be unacceptable, but are unwilling to examine your own part in all this. While you are 100% NOT responsible for his addiction or his behavior, you ARE responsible for your own decisions and actions... and anger.

In my groups (I've been going to Nar-Anon for a little over 2 years), I've heard the phrase "put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror." It's not easy to do when one is being bombarded with addict crazy-making, but it's very necessary (at least it has been for me.) Basically, anyone other than a trained professional who DOESN'T turn away from an addict once the curtain has been pulled back needs to do some serious work on boundaries, self-esteem, and childhood trauma. This work is not done quickly, it requires dedication, honesty and a willingness to change, but it has rewards that will help you in every aspect of your life, not only in regards to your boyfriend.

It's unlikely that you'll be able to do such work on your own. A personal therapist sometimes helps tremendously, but the support and wisdom that you'll find in Nar-Anon or Al-Anon should not be ignored, in my opinion.

kmangel

It sounds to me from your posts that you are not okay with his using drugs. He is a drug addict doing what drug addicts do. You either have to deal with it by living with it, or move on from it.

Nar-Anon would be helpful to you if you decide to continue to be in a relationship with your AB. The group would help you make peace with being second to your boyfriend's drug addiction.

It's time now (since you told him to leave) to discover what it was about him that drew you to him in the first place. Either learn to live with him as an addict or remain separated from him. Your choice. If you decide to not be in a relationship with an addict, then that may take your own personal therapist to unravel so that you don't find yourself in the same situation again sometime down the road.

blackandblue

The hardest step I took after my XABF relapsed was packing all of my things and moving out. It hurt so much I thought I might cry myself to death. For some reason, the danger did not phase me. That is scary. I had become addicted to my addict to the point where I would put myself in danger just to be with him. That is the truth. Living with an active addict is dangerous period. That is the point where I realized I was getting dragged down. I had some loved ones help me get out. And I only got out because I finally admitted I needed help. Which eventually turned into Al-anon, SR, counseling, etc. Also reconnecting with the people and things I love in life.

Life gets so serious being around an addict all the time and as loved ones of addicts/codependents we also tend to forget how to have fun or find joy in life. There is no togetherness or intimacy in an addictive relationship. There is only intensity and separation. It's all about them and the divide that is between us is so great and we cannot reach them. I wish this was not true but it is. There is nothing we can do for addicts. Well that is not entirely true. There are two options.

1. Stay and tolerate and accept the destructive reality of an addictive relationship.

2. Leave and let go of the rope and start our own recovery.

I have repeated both more times than I would like to admit throughout the last 3 years. What I have come to see is that my love for him does not really help him or me for that matter. My love for myself helps me and in turn it might help him. It sucks to admit that we have to get out of our own way and also get out of their way. Our staying might be the one thing preventing them to hit bottom. Otherwise if we stay, we are contributing to the disease. The 3 Cs are huge for me right now.

I know my ex is teetering on relapse. And all I can do is pray. He is not now nor never was my responsibility. I am fighting a lot of desire and urges to be with him for the sake of my own sanity and also out of respect so that he may find his own recovery without me. This is a tough pill to swallow but my only other option is to continue to enable him and to destroy my life in the process. The best choice is often the most difficult. It hurts but I know it will get better.

You already know what you are going to do. Just be prepared that the reality of living with an addict is always the same. Your situation is no different than the rest of ours here. Finding an awesome therapist and support group has been my saving grace. Blessings.

mstrust

our situations are very similar, defunk... our addicts sound as though they could be the same person. you are out and i am still in. please, take the others' advice and do NOT move in with him. i did that and it's part of why i feel so stuck. and it's MY place. i am grateful i at least didn't marry mine or have any children. i also feel slightly ashamed because i have even less reason to feel tied to this yet i still do. i have no place to give you advice or recommendations. i hope, like it does me, it helps you to know you aren't alone.

Defunk

You all are amazing. Just sayin'.

blackandblue

You are amazing too! That's what you and the rest of us are here to remember. God or HP or whatever made us that way. We just have to find that inside and show it to the world when we are ready. All we can do is "the next right thing" for ourselves and for others. That's what this crazy ride called life is all about. I'm sure trying. We all share one thing. We all want love but we keep giving it to people who are incapable of handling it with care. We'll get there and everyone here will love you no matter what you decide. Seriously though, if you want some serious messages of resolve to move on with life- read Zoso's posts! Sorry to put you on the spot Zoso but I think everyone would agree. Everyone is pretty awesome on here but its also nice to see it from the point of view of cutting the cord with dignity and grace.