I know it's up to me, but help or advice would be nice.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
[QUOTE=Defunk;3762938
But in the middle of me kicking him out, he insisted on "explaining" himself, and claiming that I don't understand where he's coming from, I am making every thing worse because i'm not going to naranon/alanon. [/QUOTE]
Hi Defunk. Welcome to the not so 'Merry'-go-round of addiction. It is a vicious cycle of abuse, manipulation, lies, more lies, pain, tears, remorse, begging for forgiveness followed by a top up of more lies.
If I had known all of this, REALLY understood this, when I met H over fifteen years ago, gorgeous, handsome, smiling - over that beer - looking at the most beautiful sunset in the world - I would have tossed my beer over the balcony, called for the moon to bring on the night - and walked away!
But a little too late 'as she cried waving her wooden leg'!
So here we all sit on SR - doing our best to support each other via our keyboards - a thousand miles apart. And this is what I have to share with you - for whatever it is worth.
Most sane people in this world, and the wise veterans of SR - would tell you to run for your life. Get out. Go NO CONTACT. As you have all the power in the world to stop the insanity this VERY instant. Tell him to go. Tell him you chose LIFE. Infact you don't owe him any explanation. For I have learnt this about addiction / recovering addicts / relapse - all the same blah blah.
An addict sleeps, dreams and is constantly occupied with thoughts of drugs, no drugs, or just simply thoughts about themselves - and nobody else. They are the most selfish creatures on earth. And HIGHLY manipulative. They can read you like a book. H knows me so well. H has a 6th sense. He knows when I have reached my end of a particularly bad 'episode'. For as I am about to walk - he comes in with a swoop, says all the right things, gifts etc etc and lifts me up, flashes a smile, and we start the dance again.
What makes you reach that place when you finally say 'enough'?? I don't honestly know. But there are skills we can acquire and daily practices to help us reach that place quicker. Working on ourselves is the only hope. And truly practising putting boundaried in place - and enforcing them. Truly believing that you deserve more. Truly wanting to be the primary dancer, the lead actor in YOUR life - not playing second, not dancing in the wings to your addict - or not dancing at all. For that is the tragedy of addicition. Yes, some might say that a life of an addict is no life at all - but the addict is 100% living life as he or she choses. Yet we, the non addicted 'loved' one is not living at all. We are pulled along, like I see the oxen in Zanzibar, with a rope tied around the nose - trudging through mud, and crap and all that stuff whilst overburdened with a heavy load.
Yet unlike the oxen, we have a choice. We can heal and walk away.
But why then do we stay. I have asked myself this question a million time. We stay because we are not ready to leave. It is as simple as that. So stay if you wish, but don't stay, living with false hope. Don't stay lying to yourself. Don't stay waiting to be rescued. Don't stay watching the addict. Don't stay waiting for the addict to heal. Don't stay believing this is what you are worth. Don't stay waiting for the smile, the tender kiss, the promise of happiness. Only stay if you can live alongside the addict. Only stay if you can smille and be happy WITHOUT the addict. only stay if you have 100% your OWN life. Your OWN friends. Your OWN plan. Only stay if you can truly be YOU even with an addict sucking the life out of you. Only stay if there are no children whose lives will be affected forever. Only stay if that addict, addicted or not, in recovery or not, TRULY supports YOU and is there for you every step of the way. Only stay if the addict in your life is the FIRST person you can rely on - call on - in your desperate need.
And God forgive me here - but I don't believe there is an addict on earth who can promise us anything - let alone the last dance.
But in the middle of me kicking him out, he insisted on "explaining" himself, and claiming that I don't understand where he's coming from, I am making every thing worse because i'm not going to naranon/alanon. [/QUOTE]
Hi Defunk. Welcome to the not so 'Merry'-go-round of addiction. It is a vicious cycle of abuse, manipulation, lies, more lies, pain, tears, remorse, begging for forgiveness followed by a top up of more lies.
If I had known all of this, REALLY understood this, when I met H over fifteen years ago, gorgeous, handsome, smiling - over that beer - looking at the most beautiful sunset in the world - I would have tossed my beer over the balcony, called for the moon to bring on the night - and walked away!
But a little too late 'as she cried waving her wooden leg'!
So here we all sit on SR - doing our best to support each other via our keyboards - a thousand miles apart. And this is what I have to share with you - for whatever it is worth.
Most sane people in this world, and the wise veterans of SR - would tell you to run for your life. Get out. Go NO CONTACT. As you have all the power in the world to stop the insanity this VERY instant. Tell him to go. Tell him you chose LIFE. Infact you don't owe him any explanation. For I have learnt this about addiction / recovering addicts / relapse - all the same blah blah.
An addict sleeps, dreams and is constantly occupied with thoughts of drugs, no drugs, or just simply thoughts about themselves - and nobody else. They are the most selfish creatures on earth. And HIGHLY manipulative. They can read you like a book. H knows me so well. H has a 6th sense. He knows when I have reached my end of a particularly bad 'episode'. For as I am about to walk - he comes in with a swoop, says all the right things, gifts etc etc and lifts me up, flashes a smile, and we start the dance again.
What makes you reach that place when you finally say 'enough'?? I don't honestly know. But there are skills we can acquire and daily practices to help us reach that place quicker. Working on ourselves is the only hope. And truly practising putting boundaried in place - and enforcing them. Truly believing that you deserve more. Truly wanting to be the primary dancer, the lead actor in YOUR life - not playing second, not dancing in the wings to your addict - or not dancing at all. For that is the tragedy of addicition. Yes, some might say that a life of an addict is no life at all - but the addict is 100% living life as he or she choses. Yet we, the non addicted 'loved' one is not living at all. We are pulled along, like I see the oxen in Zanzibar, with a rope tied around the nose - trudging through mud, and crap and all that stuff whilst overburdened with a heavy load.
Yet unlike the oxen, we have a choice. We can heal and walk away.
But why then do we stay. I have asked myself this question a million time. We stay because we are not ready to leave. It is as simple as that. So stay if you wish, but don't stay, living with false hope. Don't stay lying to yourself. Don't stay waiting to be rescued. Don't stay watching the addict. Don't stay waiting for the addict to heal. Don't stay believing this is what you are worth. Don't stay waiting for the smile, the tender kiss, the promise of happiness. Only stay if you can live alongside the addict. Only stay if you can smille and be happy WITHOUT the addict. only stay if you have 100% your OWN life. Your OWN friends. Your OWN plan. Only stay if you can truly be YOU even with an addict sucking the life out of you. Only stay if there are no children whose lives will be affected forever. Only stay if that addict, addicted or not, in recovery or not, TRULY supports YOU and is there for you every step of the way. Only stay if the addict in your life is the FIRST person you can rely on - call on - in your desperate need.
And God forgive me here - but I don't believe there is an addict on earth who can promise us anything - let alone the last dance.
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