Want To Share: A Year to the Day...
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
They don't have boyfriends, or husbands, They have Victims, and I refuse to be one anymore.
ZoSo
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
You must be so glad you never married this woman, had kids or any financial obligations with her. She really did you a favor showing who she was and what she was capable doing so quickly. That in itself is a real blessing!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by zoso77
....My AGF was always dramatic. There was always something going on with her...
....she dropped the bomb...
And God was there. He listened, and the weight of all that pain really did lift by a bit.
.... I knew what she was, yet I ignored what I knew and went forward just hoping for the best, believing we could get through all of this....
++++++
So, it's 52 weeks later.... I'm more grateful of the things and the people that are in my life than any other time. Even just having a night like this past Saturday, when I can light a fire in my fireplace, pour a glass of a 10 year old single malt scotch, turn on the NFL playoffs, grab one of my 9 guitars, and log some time on the couch, is a gift. Because I better understand and appreciate how quickly things can change. No, I don't take anything for granted anymore. Ever.
ZoSo
....she dropped the bomb...
And God was there. He listened, and the weight of all that pain really did lift by a bit.
.... I knew what she was, yet I ignored what I knew and went forward just hoping for the best, believing we could get through all of this....
++++++
So, it's 52 weeks later.... I'm more grateful of the things and the people that are in my life than any other time. Even just having a night like this past Saturday, when I can light a fire in my fireplace, pour a glass of a 10 year old single malt scotch, turn on the NFL playoffs, grab one of my 9 guitars, and log some time on the couch, is a gift. Because I better understand and appreciate how quickly things can change. No, I don't take anything for granted anymore. Ever.
ZoSo
You must have been devastated - but equally a very strong person as you immediately got off the wheel. Yet so many of us here still keep on tolerating this destructive behaviour - addicts having affairs etc etc. A tough question - but why do you think you got on with your life, started to heal, so much quicker than some of us here on SR (myself included).
I too have a wonderful family, friends, successful business, and strong faith in God - yet I am still on this wheel and even though going 'no contact' - still have a long way to go.
I admire your honesty, self reflection, faith, strength and love for all of us here.
Thank you Zoso!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by blackandblue
He is a gifted word smith and I see that his actions rarely follow his promises. Participating in this dance left me feeling dizzy, crazy, confused, and heart broken. I almost lost my identity. I did not know who I was anymore or who I wanted to be. I even felt guilty for any happiness, success and accomplishments. Weird stuff. But I learned to love in a way that meant giving everything and receiving very little reciprocation. Life became superficial and I yearned to connect on a deeper level. I started to long for the intimacy we never had and then I relapsed when I returned home. Only to find that my fantasy was nothing more than that- just a fantasy. Oh yes, he still looked the part but everything else I had painted about him was not real. Sure he had his moments and those were the moments I craved.
.
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Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Lara,
Because I chose to. It's that simple. Why?
The one thing I told my AXGF I would never tolerate was her being unfaithful. And when she did what she did, that simply was that. And it was weird, because one would think that I would still have feelings for her. No, when she did what she did, whatever I felt for her died at that moment.
The deal I had to cut with myself was accepting that the pain of betrayal would be, at times, severe. And I just accepted it and dealt with it as best I could.
The other thing I had to acknowledge was by allowing her back into my life the month before, I made a very big mistake. Because I knew what she was -- an addict and a Borderline -- and I didn't pay proper attention to the latter. What Borderlines hate are boundaries. And all the stuff that I've learned in Al Anon -- detaching with love, not enabling, allowing the addict the dignity to make her own mistakes -- is stuff that she hated. Because she wanted to be enabled. She wanted me to be coupled to her and to feel what she felt. And when I didn't "go there" anymore, she did what she did to "get back" at me.
I know this is a complicated answer. But, the bottom line is after her stunt, I simply stopped wanting to have her in my life. I was done. And whatever level of unemotional discomfort I had to endure at the beginning was preferable to having anything to do with her.
ZoSo
A tough question - but why do you think you got on with your life, started to heal, so much quicker than some of us here on SR (myself included).
The one thing I told my AXGF I would never tolerate was her being unfaithful. And when she did what she did, that simply was that. And it was weird, because one would think that I would still have feelings for her. No, when she did what she did, whatever I felt for her died at that moment.
The deal I had to cut with myself was accepting that the pain of betrayal would be, at times, severe. And I just accepted it and dealt with it as best I could.
The other thing I had to acknowledge was by allowing her back into my life the month before, I made a very big mistake. Because I knew what she was -- an addict and a Borderline -- and I didn't pay proper attention to the latter. What Borderlines hate are boundaries. And all the stuff that I've learned in Al Anon -- detaching with love, not enabling, allowing the addict the dignity to make her own mistakes -- is stuff that she hated. Because she wanted to be enabled. She wanted me to be coupled to her and to feel what she felt. And when I didn't "go there" anymore, she did what she did to "get back" at me.
I know this is a complicated answer. But, the bottom line is after her stunt, I simply stopped wanting to have her in my life. I was done. And whatever level of unemotional discomfort I had to endure at the beginning was preferable to having anything to do with her.
ZoSo
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