Want To Share: A Year to the Day...
 

Well, more like 52 weeks to the day tomorrow, my AGF pulled what she pulled. This post is meant for members and guests who are new to us and may be struggling with the hows, or whys, or whats...

...or with denial...

++++++++

My AGF was always dramatic. There was always something going on with her. But by the time I got into Al Anon in November 2011 during a time we were estranged, and started listening to the stories of others, I started to recognize that my reactions to that drama wasn't helping the situation. And it was weird, because I finally understood that there was nothing I could do or say to change the behavior of my AGF. It finally clicked. I got it.

So by the time she wanted to get back together in December of 2011, the way I responded to her histrionics had changed. I was a lot more hands off than I was before. One night on my way to a meeting, she called me, ranting and raving about a situation regarding her children. And instead of indulging her, I pointed out that if she had already predetermined an outcome, then that's what would happen. Instead, I encouraged her to take a more proactive, positive approach to this situation.

There was stunned silence on the other end of the phone.

And in hindsight, that was the beginning of the end. And I mean the real end. I wasn't enabling her anymore. If she came over my house and hadn't eaten all day, I wouldn't cook for her anymore or drop what I was doing to take her out. I treated her like an adult.

My denial came in the form of I forgot she was Borderline. I looked at the addiction side of her and didn't pay attention to the Borderline stuff. And on one Wednesday morning in mid-January, she dropped the bomb while I was at work. She sent me a picture of her and her new boyfriend from "the fellowship"...

...my heart quickened. I was pacing the corridors with my iPhone, pacing in the cafe, stunned, angry, devastated...shaking at the magnitude of her betrayal when she gleefully admitted to f**king two other men...


++++++++

Fortunately, I have really good people in my life. The first full day afterwards, I was in shock. But I realized that I no longer loved her. That was it. I got tested for STD's (which came back clean). When my drummer called me and we talked about what happened, it made me realize how lucky I was to have him and the other guys in the band in my life. We were really a fraternity that got off on playing together. They were there for me. And when I went to bed that night, I thought to myself, well, I've still got that.

By the time the second morning rolled around, I had decided enough was enough and I was going to get through this and get back to my life. I wasn't going to allow this to sink me. She had set me free. Now, it was just a question of getting back to my feet and living again.

It was then I really reached out to God. Because the pain in the beginning was pretty severe, and I couldn't shoulder it on my own. So I prayed for help. I thanked Him for the things he'd given me. And I made the decision to pray for my AXGF, because she was sick. Sicker than sick, really. And God was there. He listened, and the weight of all that pain really did lift by a bit.

I also recognized that my denial regarding her characterlogical makeup really bit me in the you-know-what. I knew what she was, yet I ignored what I knew and went forward just hoping for the best, believing we could get through all of this. "Fantasyland"...that's where I went. I knew better, and I got whacked. The big takeaway I got from that was thus: if your alarms are going off, you better listen to them.

++++++++

So, it's 52 weeks later. I'm more grateful of the things and the people that are in my life than any other time. Even just having a night like this past Saturday, when I can light a fire in my fireplace, pour a glass of a 10 year old single malt scotch, turn on the NFL playoffs, grab one of my 9 guitars, and log some time on the couch, is a gift. Because I better understand and appreciate how quickly things can change. No, I don't take anything for granted anymore. Ever.

ZoSo

You have become an even stronger person over the course of the last year. Be proud of yourself. And Thanks for all your advice and support on the forums. You have def helped me and others out, I left my AXBF 4 months ago when he dropped the bomb on me. it's been hard, but each day I'm more thankful that I'm no longer with him. I will be ok :).
Wishing you continued happiness! The girl that ends up with you will be very lucky, you deserve the best.

And GO RAVENS!!

You must be so glad you never married this woman, had kids or any financial obligations with her. She really did you a favor showing who she was and what she was capable doing so quickly. That in itself is a real blessing!

the best lessons come so ever strangely dressed hey? who would have thought you would have admitted that your exgf sending you a pic of her and another guy would have been a good gift. one im sure you could even thank her for.

glad life is doing so well for you.

Zoso- thanks for sharing. This is a reminder of where it all started for me as we joined at about the same time one year ago now. My XABF relapsed 2.5 years ago. 2 years and 3 months ago I set a boundary I was not ready to enforce. I took the first step and I moved out of our house where we had been living together for 6 months and at this time we had only been in a relationship for 1 year. After thousands of miles between us, over 2 years, periods of no communication, multiple "relapses" on my part, and a lot of ups and downs- I realize that this disease, left untreated, really does only lead down a road to "hell."

With a lot of Al-anon,working a program, therapy, SR, reading, writing, friends, family, yoga, meditation, prayer, music, self-love and reflection- I know am at a point where this is no longer destroying me. I have chosen to rip my band aid off really slow. That's a very old habit of mine because I am the overly responsible codependent type that used to believe that my love for him could save him and love would prevail/conquer all- that's what he used to say.

He is a gifted word smith and I see that his actions rarely follow his promises. Participating in this dance left me feeling dizzy, crazy, confused, and heart broken. I almost lost my identity. I did not know who I was anymore or who I wanted to be. I even felt guilty for any happiness, success and accomplishments. Weird stuff. But I learned to love in a way that meant giving everything and receiving very little reciprocation. Life became superficial and I yearned to connect on a deeper level. I started to long for the intimacy we never had and then I relapsed when I returned home. Only to find that my fantasy was nothing more than that- just a fantasy. Oh yes, he still looked the part but everything else I had painted about him was not real. Sure he had his moments and those were the moments I craved.

Everyday I get stronger. Some days are hard. It is getting easier. The big thing for me now is staying proactive and positive like you said. I too fortunately have so many outlets and ways to release. But I realize I gave 3 good years and I still long for true partnership. At this point, I could not imagine what being in another relationship would look like and I pray that my heart could possibly love again.

In the meantime, I keep coming back until the last hair stuck to the band-aid is ripped off. For all those out there- I wish I had the strength to just rip it off in one swift action but I didn't and so I repeated patterns and not much changed- except me. He sits on the ledge of relapse once again and I am not there to clean up the mess or prevent his fall because I can't. I pray to just keep doing the next right thing. Thank you Zoso for your continued strength and simple words of wisdom that have helped so many people here.

Congrats as well as thanks for the helpful and promising words! Your strength shines through.

52 weeks and you have become a new person , when the right lady enters your life I have a feeling she is gonna be one lucky lady.

Great job your an inspiration.

My AH also was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder many years ago and I too often forget that.

One of the things that kept me stuck was that fleeting glimpse now and again of the wonderful man AH could be. Only, he couldn't keep it going for any length of time and his true character came out. The "wonderful" could have all been an act just to manipulate me, to get what he wanted out of me. Typical behavior for someone with BPD.

I really need to have relationships with people that don't need "figuring out".

Continued peace and happiness, Zoso!

It's a pleasure to know you Zoso...

Your posts are an inspiration, and also a reminder, that we do not heal overnight. It takes soul searching and educating our selves about addiction, enabling, etc. to heal.

As hard as it was, I should have left my EXAH much sooner than I did. As you have pointed out, there is life (a good life if we want it) after leaving the addict behind.

(((huggs and blessings)))

I agree

congrats to you & your HP for you the journey you have walked and made it thru ~

thank you for sharing it with us here on SR - it has encouraged many ~

I remember when you first came here, Zoso, and although you were already on your way to a better place I have watched you grow this past year. You are such an inspiration to everyone here. You walked through your pain and came out the other side wiser for the journey.

Thank you for sharing you story here. You are a beacon of hope for the Newcomer and an inspiration to all of us who have struggles with letting go.

Hugs

Hi, guys...

Sorry I haven't responded earlier in the day. Work is pretty crazy right now.

I very, very much appreciate all of your kind words. I guess, when all is said and done, I'm a survivor, and I flat out refuse to give anyone the power to knock me down for good. Not my AXGF, not anyone. So, yeah, work's crazy, but that's a lot more fun than getting a text from a Borderline/Addict at work. :)

God Bless,
ZoSo

Hello Zoso...long time! I thought about you in the last couple of days because there was a cartoon on facebook with a Zoso t-shirt...and then of course Jimmy's birthday today! Listened to Ocean on the way to work.

I joined a little over a year ago myself. It was November when I had my ex pack his things. He suffered from bipolar as well as crack addiction. Now...with just under a year (MY last "relapse" was a date with him on Valentines Day when he got out of bed with me to go use...) away from him I have gained so much clarity. So much becomes revealed...so cliche, but so true. My heart holds compassion and prays for his recovery...but no longer with the desperate yearning that he be in recovery so that we can be together. Trust is gone. Attraction is gone. With time away from the woven strands of illusion, those whispery gossamer threads of promise and hope that held my heart bound to the possibility, what is left is reality.

The reality is pretty tragic. Of course for every person who suffers with addiction there is hope. But it has to be THEIR hope, I really believe that. As a person in love with an addict the enabling can be so deeply insidious that it is almost invisible. Or is it denial?

It seems by your post that you might still feel resentment for her sick behavior. I am sorry that happened to you. I hope that with more time it fades away...hurt human beings hurt people...

XO ZOSO Happy Anniversary.

My story is strikingly similar to yours, unfortunately. I was an enabler to my AGF for a few months, she pulled all the crazy BPD manipulative stunts, Said she took a bunch of pills to get my to come over. Lied about everything and anything to protect her addiction, used my to smuggle heroin across state lines without my knowledge. Its Crazy what they are capable of. Finally I had enough and kidnapped her and dropped her off at her fathers doorstep in another state (codependent I know) She went to rehab so it was the last "chance" in my mind to get the girl I "loved" as a normal girl. Things were going great I thought, she was working her recovery and being normal and sweet. I went to see her many times, But found out one time she was doing shrooms with her rehab friends. So I did what I thought was the responsible thing (codependant anyway) I told the rehab counselor and her father what was going on. So she was restricted from seeing her rehab friends, she totally blamed me and went off on me, saying I ruined her recovery quack quack quack. she manipulated me and made me feel AWFUL for ratting her out, turns out she was ******* one of the guys from sober living behind my back anyway. This all happened about 2 months ago. You can't rehab BPD, the stunts these people are capable of is amazing. I actually just got a text saying "Hi, I love you" from her. More manipulation right? I am mostly disgusted with her at this point, and concentrating solely on myself. I realize I can't live with the manipulation and craziness, and am in the early process of detaching myself, easier because she is still out of state working her recovery. Our entire relationship lasted 2 years, it was very intoxicating in the beginning, she only showed mild signs of having a temper and not taking responsibility for her failures, the surface of the BPD. It has been an awful, awful road, I wouldnt wish it upon my worst enemy. I'm looking forward to remembering what it is like to be normal, and interact with Normal people.

(OT) I can't believe Page is 69 today...

When I play acoustic guitar, I tune it up to play "The Rain Song" and I drift off into bliss.

Thanks for the kind note. :)

ZoSo

Borderline Personality Disorder is...well, I don't have to tell you, RedBaron. You know what it's like to deal with someone with BPD, and then when you convolve the addiction side of it, it's very, very difficult.

The biggest help for me was whenever I went down a road, trying to figure my AXGF out, I answered my questions thusly: Because She's Borderline. And in her case, an opiate loving Borderline.

I think of being physically intimate with her all those times and I cringe. When she dropped the bomb, I had this need to fumigate my house and take a five hour shower with all sorts of chemicals, just to wash the filth away. Whoever ends up with her better buckle up, because he's in for a hell of a ride...

ZoSo

Wow...thank you...thank you very, very much.

Yep, Mine was a heroin smoker, just a shame really, It's the hardest lesson I ever had to learn. Her telling me "I love you" went from making me feel awesome, to making me feel sick in the course of a year. I've just lived my entire life thinking there was good in every person, thinking you could fix something if you just tried hard enough. Her family was so normal, and sooo many people that just know her on the surface, think she is an amazing, loving person. I and her XBF of 8 years are the only ones that really know her, and when I met her, she never had anything good to say about her XBF, it was all his fault, ect ect, gigantic red flag now I see. Its amazing that they can cheat on you, and somehow make you feel guilty about it? Mine had the unique ability to lie about something, and then base her reality around that lie, and her interactions(aka fights) with you, as if it were true. BPD is awful, coupled with opiates, a nightmare. Expert manipulator, liar, and user. It really can turn your life upside down as long as you think you are dealing with a normal person, you ask yourself, Is it me? did I really do something wrong? Once you figure out she really is just mentally sick, its a weight off your shoulders, you don't have to think and make yourself crazy "why did she throw something at me?" "Why did she hit me" "Was I wrong to set my boundry?" "Is it me?" "Why would she cheat on me?" "Does she really not love me?" "Why doesn't she treat me with respect?" "Why doesnt she treat me like I treat her?" It all just boils down to, She has a personality disorder, you don't NEED to answer all those questions individually, the one answer is right infront of you.

They don't have boyfriends, or husbands, They have Victims, and I refuse to be one anymore.