bigbrosKeeper

@Justfor1, my brother was an authorized user on the account and had a card with his name on it. She sent it to him when he was still in Florida, after his last crack binge/manic period (in 2009) to use for psychiatrist and counselor appointments. Up till last Wednesday, he hadn't abused it at all, in fact, we forgot he had it, as since he moved up here with me in April, he's had health insurance (through Mass Health) and had low copays that I gave him cash to cover, and he hadn't used it at all.

I still consider it stealing though, as it was given to him with the express instruction that it was only to be used for psych/medical appts. Had I remembered he still had it, I would have gotten it back from him after he screwed up the first time up here (a few days before the big binge). The card is shut off now, and he's not an authorized user on the new account/replacement card.

devastated

Hello, I'm so sorry you are going through this heartache. I can relate to all you're trying to do to help because I did it for years and years with my son.

Don't let him bully you into thinking this is your fault...he knows it's not, but in order to keep you doing for him he has to keep you in control.

Best thing for you to do is to tell him you love him, and pray he gets the help he needs. Tell him he is no longer welcome in your home until he gets clean. Then LET HIM GO! You have to do whatever you can to take care of yourself. He is making the choices, not you. You have to make the choice to LET HIM GO.

The only way they get better is when they get so far down and so tired of being sick and tired with no place to go. that they look for help.

Believe me they know what buttons to push to keep us feeling guilty! Can't tell you how many times my son would call and tell me he was going to kill himself 'cause he had no money to buy food. Food! Yeah right! Silly me would fall for it every time. Don't be like me and wait 30 years to come to the realization that we can't change anyone but ourself.

Prayers and hugs heading your way,
Devastated

Ann

When my grown son used crack, he stole everything he could get his hands on. He played the "I'm clean" card when he wasn't, he used tears and remorse to win his way back into our home, and he "promised" to stay clean...a promise he couldn't keep for himself let alone us.

It never worked out well, not once, and even today he is not allowed in our home.

It cost me tens of thousands of dollars to learn my lesson, I pray your lessons cost you less.

If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here. But we can love them at a safe distance and not become their victims. Sadly, that's the reality of addiction, especially crack addiction.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Hugs

interrupted

This is your and your husband's house, and you have the right to enforce your boundaries. In fact, it's actually the most loving and selfless thing you can do, anything else is just helping him kill himself. It's kind of you to help your ill father, but he doesn't get to decide what YOUR boundaries are for YOUR house. At first my family thought I was acting hard and abrasive, unloving, and that I "forgot where I came from" with regard to my not allowing my sister in my home. I think they are starting to realize that their method isn't working, and maybe your dad will, too. Or maybe he won't. It doesn't matter. You enforce your boundaries to protect yourself, and protect and nourish the beautiful relationship that you have built with your husband - a man who must have the patience of a saint.

helpme33

Same with my 34yo AS, I had been conned for months by him and his gf, telling me he was homeless and hungry. I found out they were just using my money to party after I had to call the police to stop her harrassment. One of them (or both) also hacked into my email during the same time.

Now he is threatening suicide and telling me it will be my fault, and that he will steal and go to prison since I will not help him in his time of need. Telling me it was I that was harrassing gf. A lot more very nasty things.

I finally reached my rock bottom. My son has become a person I do not trust and I do not want to be around. I made sure he had my number to call collect when he is serious about getting help. He started using and was out of control at a very young age. I'm tired and I plan to enjoy the rest of my life in peace.

There are FREE places for them to go to - but until they want help there is nothing you can do.

It is sad for me that my relationship with my son has come to this - but I can no longer take the stress - or the harrassment.

Good for you that you already realize you are codependent and an enable - that is a good step in the right direction. It took me many years to get ot that point.

(((huggs and blessings for us all)))

bigbrosKeeper

My brothers attitude did change by yesterday morning. I am skeptical, but he did get up on his own, didn't argue when I said "no" when he asked to drive (with me in the car, he knew I wasn't going to let him take the car on his own). After his IOP, he told me he enjoyed it, showed me a flyer for a sober new years party he'd like to attend, told me about his individual counseling appt next thursday to hopefully get on another residential program waiting list, etc.

When we got home, he did the dishes, thanked me for taking him, then spent the evening talking with my dad and watching tv.

I know not to fully trust him - but I also know that if he continues on this course of compliance/rehab, that eventually I will have to give in a little. He knows I won't give him cash for anything. If he needs something from the store, I go and get it, etc.

My dad thinks I should let him take a car on Monday to the IOP, just not his own (meaning my brothers), as that is financed and half in my mothers name. My dad offered his vehicle, which is an old, almost junker, that nothing is owed on. I haven't decided yet if I want to do that - it is a major pain in the a$$ for me to take him, as it's so far away, and I have to find something to do for 3 hours while he's in there; however, I don't want to put the temptation in my brothers hands to wander off on his own. I guess I'll figure it out by Monday, either way.

Had another weird/upsetting incident happen last night that I will address in another post (wasn't involving my brother).

crazybabie

IMO, your still trying to control , there is a difference in boundaries and controlling.

Your comment: I don't want to put the temptation in my brothers hands to wander off on his own. I guess I'll figure it out by Monday, either way.

There is temptation everywhere I can't tell you to let your brother drive your dads truck only you can decide that but how is this a boundary?

Some here their boundaries are things like
I will not live with anyone in active addiction
I will not engage in phone conversations wit anyone in active addiction
I will not allow anyone else to drive my car
I will not give or loan money to anyone in active addiction etc...

zoso77

Let me rephrase this. You don't trust him. Period.

If his lips are moving, he's lying. It's as simple as that. When you strip away all the drama and BS, you essentially have two choices: stay engaged with a sick person, or allow him the dignity to make his own mistakes and fall on his face.

Ann's post above should serve as fair warning, should you choose to pay attention to that. Use your heart, not your heart.

Best,
ZoSo

bigbrosKeeper

@crazybabie, you are probably right - that is a bit controlling. I guess I'm looking at it as "if something happens, I'll have to clean up the mess, deal with insurance, deal with my parents and them being upset", etc. Plus, yeah, I'm trying to "make sure" he doesn't fall off the wagon. I need to realize that's not my place, other than for the boundaries I set up for myself and my home. If my dad wants to allow him to take his car, then I shouldn't try to interfere. As far as my AB's car, that one I will step in on as my moms credit is on the line for that, and until my brother proves he is serious about being clean, she doesn't want him driving it.

@zoso77 - I do understand what you are saying, but I also have seen my brother in recovery before, which did last for 3 years. Today, he came and talked to me a bit again about his IOP. He was concerned because they called and said he's supposed to be paying a $10 co-pay per day (5 day a week IOP), and he doesn't have any income. I told him I would cover it, but only by calling them directly and putting it on my cc or going in to pay for it myself. I will not give him cash for it, he knows that.

I feel I have to believe him on some things - until proven otherwise, especially since he's been here 24/7 since I picked him up from the detox (other than when he was at his IOP on Friday, which I brought him to and picked him up from). For the moment, he's clean. He did delete the dealers number from his phone and put him on the blocked list in front of me - I know he can change that at any time, but I didn't ask him to, he did it on his own.

It may all be wishful thinking, I know - but there are cases of people actually wanting to recover and truly trying.

crazybabie

It may all be wishful thinking, I know - but there are cases of people actually wanting to recover and truly trying.

Your brother may be one of those people your family is in my prayers.

bigbrosKeeper

Thank you, crazybabie. I am trying hard not to fall in to "terminal uniqueness" - and luckily, I also have my husband who helps me avoid being as codie as I can be - he is very blunt and to the point on the matter. As Interrupted said, he does have the patience of a saint, but he is also very realistic about the situation. He has reached his limit on helping my brother, and has let it be known that if he relapses, that's it - my brother will not be welcome here at all.

As much as I love my parents, brother, etc. I love my husband more, and will not let any of the above put my marriage in jeopardy. We have traveled a long, hard road together - we married in 94, divorced in 98, and got back together in 2009. We remarried in 2010, and neither of us has ever been happier. It's amazing what age and wisdom can do for a relationship. He's in a career he loves and our relationship is strong. We have a very drama free life, go on vacations a few times a year, and enjoy a very quiet and comfortable existence. I wont let my family destroy that.

My husband has no problem with my dad being here, he knows my dad is unable to live on his own any more (he's 80 and has major health problems). He even understands my brother coming up here, but wont tolerate him using drugs. And unlike me, my husband has no problems telling either of my parents that it's not ok for them to pressure me in to putting up with my brother when he's using. We talked about it after this last episode/detox - and he said that if my brother doesn't stay on his recovery course, he has to leave, period. No excuses. It helps me be strong.

I'll be attending the nar-anon meeting in chat on Wednesday night

crazybabie

see you Wednesday night.