bluebelle

I think RABF's lies coincided with the return of addictive thinking. One of the things he lied about was that he started using tobacco again. I don't think he has to tell me everything. I know we are individuals and have our own things going on in our heads. He claims he doesn't tell me things if he thinks it's going to start a fight. I have told him many times that I would fight less about it if he was honest in the first place. My grandfather used to smoke cigarettes, and we would all act like we didn't know. Supposedly, the family believed that if he had to sneak it, he would smoke less. It was a huge game between him and the family--him smelling like cigs, my grandmother asking him about it--him denying it--us knowing anyway. I guess I just don't want to perpetuate that kind of life where everyone knows what's going on, but they won't talk about it.

lightseeker

Hi Bluebelle....I'm sorry for your struggles and the circumstances of your situation.

I'm saying this in the gentlest way and I hope that comes through.....the update that really concerns me is not the one on him, but the one on you. What are you doing for your recovery?

Years ago, a wise counselor told my now ex husband and myself that the ONLY way that our relationship had a chance of surviving was if we BOTH worked a strong recovery program....not just him. I did, he didn't....our relationship did not survive just like she predicted.

I know that working your own program is time consuming but it's worth it. It would help you to keep the focus on YOU and not him and how he is doing. I know that you want him to do well and be "okay" and work a program. Are you willing to do the same things that you are asking him to do?

I agree that the only way to have a relationship is to have a basic trust between you. That is difficult with addiction. I found that until I worked my own program that I was easily swayed and deluded by his lies. Once trust is broken, it is hard to rebuild. I've found that when trust is broken that the first place I have to rebuild trust is with myself. I have to learn that I can trust myself to take care of me when someone betrays me. Only you can decide how many times to work through betrayal...but until you trust yourself to take care of you I'm betting that you will never be able to trust him.

I hope that this hasn't come across as too harsh. One of the greatest gifts that I gained from recovery is to keep the focus on me and not take "his"inventory and recount where he was in his addiction/recovery. That is none of my business. The only thing that I ultimately can control is not whether someone else is sober - it's whether I want to live in an environment with distrust.

I hope that you will go to some meetings. There is nothing that says you have to talk...it's fine to just say that you are there to listen and just pass. Gentle hugs...

bluebelle

I don't think you are being harsh at all. I guess I feel like I am working some kind of program? I have worked through some of the steps (on my own), I read books, exercise, meditate, etc. By program do you mean something more formal like groups? I've had counselors/psychiatrists in the past. Most of that work had to do with issues about my family, etc. I think you are right. The issue goes down to more than just RABF. I'm sure there is a trust issue with myself as well, although I don't quite understand it. I seem to be having a lot of trouble letting go and letting God lately. I seem to be holding on tightly trying to control outcomes--even though I know that doesn't work.

hello-kitty

Yes. I lied when I was using so I could keep using. And when I wasn't in recovery, I lied to myself and others so I could go use. Lying is always a choice. But I knew that if I lied I was on my way to using, so I stayed honest with myself and others.

And when I was committed to staying clean and sober I quit lying. I learned that I needed to do that from other clean and sober recovering addicts. I learned that in order for ME to get and stay clean and sober I had to work a program and I had to be rigourously honest with myself and with other people (except in the case where it might hurt someone else).

By program of recovery, yes I mean I attended formal meetings for a while. I also got very involved with a terrific support group on the internet. I surrounded myself with people who did not use drugs. I gave up the people, places and things that reminded myself of drugs. I underwent a complete mental and spiritual transformation AND that included being honest with people. Everyone noticed the difference. Of course, I also didn't have that much of a reason to lie anymore, since I was done using drugs, I didn't have anything to hide and I wasn't trying to protect my addiction.

That said, I didn't appreciate anyone digging up my past behavior and asking me questions about it. I didn't want to talk about it. It was painful and it disgusted me and I wanted to leave it in the past. And if someone had point blank asked me a question about what I did while I was using and I didn't want to answer them I might have lied because it was none of their business. I shared with my support groups but I didn't share with everyone. Especially people who hadn't been there and done that.

That said. Your boyfriend is going to do what he is going to do and you can't control him. And trying to figure out the truth about whether he is using or not is going to drive you nuts. I found it was much easier to set boundaries surrounding behaviors. Like:

I will not knowingly accept lies as truth. I will walk away from conversations that I don't believe.
I will not allow people to be disrespectful to me. I will leave the situation.
I will not allow someone I SUSPECT is on drugs in my house. I will ask that person to leave and if they do not I will call the police.

But it's important to be willing to follow through on your boundaries otherwise they are just empty threats and they make a situation worse. There are some great books out there about setting boundaries in relationships. If you are struggling with boundaries you may want to read one.

Henry Cloud has a great series or just go to Amazon and google "boundaries". I'm sure you can find something that might be helpful and move you towards person serenity.

bluebelle

Those are good. I have a book on boundaries saved for Kindle. I do not allow drugs in the house. I've made that very clear, and I don't think RABF has broken that (in 3 years). There was a time when I allowed pot use and participated in smoking it. After I found out the extent of RABF's pain pill use, I changed my belief on the pot. I realized it was making me depressed. It was clear to RABF and I that he needed to be sober from all substances--not just his DOC. Our lives have changed. There was a time where we went out and partied every weekend.

I guess I just don't know when someone is lying to me? I guess I can suspect it, but I'm not necessarily sure. I find out later. IDK. I was feeling stressed last night, and wanted to search his things. It took me awhile to focus on my breathing and just watch TV. I realized that if there was more to be revealed, it would happen at the right time. I can't rush these things. What would it prove for me to search his things? It is more unhealthy behavior by myself. It shows me being dishonest. Do I want to sneak around and lie???

I think I handled the latest issue pretty well. He was really wanting advice about what to do about his problems with his psychiatrist. I wouldn't say anything, and he kept pressing me. I finally said that he was smart, and I knew he would figure it out. That's when he started calling an old counselor and called around to other treatment programs. I refuse to be anyone's counselor/psychiatrist, etc. I've worked in helping professions (classic codie), but I'm not doing that for my family/RABF. My AM put me in that position most of my life, and I refuse to participate. I remember screaming at my mom onetime, "I can't help you! You need a psychiatrist!" Not the best approach, but it was a moment where I started pulling away from that role.