i'm a mess and i need help...
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
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Leaving would be painful. Humans are hard-wired to avoid pain at all costs. You are simply doing what humans do -- avoiding pain. So go easy on yourself!
LMN has it right...... only when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving will you finally be ready. It may take several attempts and that's OK. That's what we humans do.
We're here for you either way 'cause we have ALL been in your shoes. (((hugs)))
LMN has it right...... only when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving will you finally be ready. It may take several attempts and that's OK. That's what we humans do.
We're here for you either way 'cause we have ALL been in your shoes. (((hugs)))
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by mstrust 
i get the point, but also disagree fully that he does not have a problem. it's just that his problem is technically NONE OF MY BUSINESS. it's HIS to fix. and MY problem is MINE to fix. i really thought i was getting a handle on this. i really did. i was eating right, exercising, staying caught up at work, i am in therapy and i was making serious progress...and then when the promise of change was dangled in my face i took the bait and that's all it takes to find yourself in full relapse, as some of you have so eloquently put it.
i think i've been pretty honest about my issues in my posts and my role in my own demise. i am not denying that i am f**ked. i know i am. and i know beating myself up is not helping anything. i can see my wasted energy and time flowing down the drain as i watch and think, oh f**k...there, i've done it again... i know now i have to pick myself BACK up and move forward but the problem with self-infliction of so many wounds is that you end up slightly immobile for a little while. at least that's how i feel.
one thing i can say is that my tolerance is shrinking. my ability to withstand this is nearly gone. my hope is just about killed. i hope what this is is a gearing up phase for me to finally just say i've had it. and mean it.
thank you all for your responses. i am not trying to disguise or minimize at all the fact that i'm a nutjob right now.
i think i've been pretty honest about my issues in my posts and my role in my own demise. i am not denying that i am f**ked. i know i am. and i know beating myself up is not helping anything. i can see my wasted energy and time flowing down the drain as i watch and think, oh f**k...there, i've done it again... i know now i have to pick myself BACK up and move forward but the problem with self-infliction of so many wounds is that you end up slightly immobile for a little while. at least that's how i feel.
one thing i can say is that my tolerance is shrinking. my ability to withstand this is nearly gone. my hope is just about killed. i hope what this is is a gearing up phase for me to finally just say i've had it. and mean it.
thank you all for your responses. i am not trying to disguise or minimize at all the fact that i'm a nutjob right now.
I hope you know how strong you are, you honesty screams strong.
Try if you can to hand it over. When I learned to hand it over, it was so freeing.
I never really started contemplated that handing it over was key, I read something about here one night , it's all I thought about the next day, I hadn't handed it over yet. Now I hand everything over, I need a break.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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tears... you guys are awesome. thank you so much for not making me feel like an idiot. thank you so much for all the words of support and advice. i walked in the woods this afternoon to try to clear my head, get some air, some distance, some time alone with my dog.
it seems like the hardest thing for me to let go of is my desire to have "the truth"...and understand why that might be and i don't at the same time. i mean, i KNOW ENOUGH OF THE TRUTH...why do i need more??? why does it matter? is it because i feel like he thinks i'm a fool and thinks he has put one over on me?? SO WHAT IF HE DOES?? he hasn't put anything over on me. i know what i know and that needs to be enough. i need to be enough.
...forrest gump is one of my all-time favorite movies, by the way...thank you...
it seems like the hardest thing for me to let go of is my desire to have "the truth"...and understand why that might be and i don't at the same time. i mean, i KNOW ENOUGH OF THE TRUTH...why do i need more??? why does it matter? is it because i feel like he thinks i'm a fool and thinks he has put one over on me?? SO WHAT IF HE DOES?? he hasn't put anything over on me. i know what i know and that needs to be enough. i need to be enough.
...forrest gump is one of my all-time favorite movies, by the way...thank you...
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by mstrust
tears... you guys are awesome. thank you so much for not making me feel like an idiot. thank you so much for all the words of support and advice. i walked in the woods this afternoon to try to clear my head, get some air, some distance, some time alone with my dog.
it seems like the hardest thing for me to let go of is my desire to have "the truth"...and understand why that might be and i don't at the same time. i mean, i KNOW ENOUGH OF THE TRUTH...why do i need more??? why does it matter? is it because i feel like he thinks i'm a fool and thinks he has put one over on me?? SO WHAT IF HE DOES?? he hasn't put anything over on me. i know what i know and that needs to be enough. i need to be enough.
...forrest gump is one of my all-time favorite movies, by the way...thank you...
it seems like the hardest thing for me to let go of is my desire to have "the truth"...and understand why that might be and i don't at the same time. i mean, i KNOW ENOUGH OF THE TRUTH...why do i need more??? why does it matter? is it because i feel like he thinks i'm a fool and thinks he has put one over on me?? SO WHAT IF HE DOES?? he hasn't put anything over on me. i know what i know and that needs to be enough. i need to be enough.
...forrest gump is one of my all-time favorite movies, by the way...thank you...
You know the truth, that's all that matters, whether he knows it or not is not in your hands.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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have any of you behaved as badly as i am?? do you ever let your anger get the best of you?? i slam doors. i yell. i am relentless. i am repetitive. he's in withdrawal in my living room and i'm making it harder on him by being this way... and that makes me feel the worst about myself.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Mistrust, I was such a "truth seeker" - like a pit bull with a bone. The lies made me nuts!! I just wanted the TRUTH!!!!!!!! Even when I knew the truth, I wouldn't stop until I MADE him tell me.
I don't why I was like that, I just know that I could never live like that again. It was crazy making for me.....but I was a willing participant. Try not to make yourself sick! Just accept that an addict has a very hard time with the truth, its all about protecting their addiction.
I don't why I was like that, I just know that I could never live like that again. It was crazy making for me.....but I was a willing participant. Try not to make yourself sick! Just accept that an addict has a very hard time with the truth, its all about protecting their addiction.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Originally Posted by mstrust
have any of you behaved as badly as i am?? do you ever let your anger get the best of you?? i slam doors. i yell. i am relentless. i am repetitive. he's in withdrawal in my living room and i'm making it harder on him by being this way... and that makes me feel the worst about myself.
One day I realized that the main source of crazy making in my life was ME. My AH was just doing his "normal" thing that addicts do. It was me, the so-called "sane" one who was doing the raving.
Why do we do it? I think we are trying to get the A to validate our feelings and they frankly don't care about us or our feelings. It is all about the next fix.
We get better when WE do better. No matter what the A is doing.
Take care!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by mstrust
have any of you behaved as badly as i am?? do you ever let your anger get the best of you?? i slam doors. i yell. i am relentless. i am repetitive. he's in withdrawal in my living room and i'm making it harder on him by being this way... and that makes me feel the worst about myself.
That statement keeps me calm now when I feel my top popping. In fact, when I can stay super calm while all he77 is breaking loose around me, I'm the only one who appears to be sane. lol
Be gentle with yourself. Most of us have been where you are. Most of us have done the backslide. We're all human. Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 167
hey there,
my 16 year old son is the addict in my life. i can only speak for me, but i am a relentless "truth seeker" because the search for it--and the anger i release in the search--makes me feel in control of a situation that is uncontrollable.
searching for and demanding "the truth" makes me feel less powerless. but the moment i accept my powerlessness, i grow stronger.
i've got a ways to go with my acceptance. for me, at least, it's a process. right now, i am searching for "the truth" about me, since i am the only person whose behavior i can control.
not gonna lie. it's hard.
my 16 year old son is the addict in my life. i can only speak for me, but i am a relentless "truth seeker" because the search for it--and the anger i release in the search--makes me feel in control of a situation that is uncontrollable.
searching for and demanding "the truth" makes me feel less powerless. but the moment i accept my powerlessness, i grow stronger.
i've got a ways to go with my acceptance. for me, at least, it's a process. right now, i am searching for "the truth" about me, since i am the only person whose behavior i can control.
not gonna lie. it's hard.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
I've absolutely been where you are and done what you've done. I obsessed over trying to make him admit what I knew was the truth. It's a long and painful road that we travel. We all reach different points in this journey to move forward to save ourselves and sometimes we take a few steps back. That's why I come here, when I take my steps back, I need the strength and support to move me ahead. Take care of you - you deserve it. One of my 1st steps was asking myself why am I asking him a question when I know he's going to lie. Even if he doesn't lie, I probably won't believe him so why try to figure out the "truth". Eventually, I realized that I had to step back b/c all I was accomplishing was making myself crazy. I had to find a way to let it go and go by his actions alone. I wish you all the best. Hang in there - we are all walking with you
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
>>>>>>have any of you behaved as badly as i am??<<<<<<
ALL OF US,mstrust.......(all of us).
You think you are unique? You aren't.Nothing especially 'bad' about you at all.
Sorry to burst your 'special' bubble!
ALL OF US,mstrust.......(all of us).
You think you are unique? You aren't.Nothing especially 'bad' about you at all.
Sorry to burst your 'special' bubble!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Posts: 369
thank you for bursting my special bubble!!! i am told over and over by him how awful i am and i start to think sometimes, am i the only one who gets this pi**ed off?? am i the only one who loses it and does ALL the wrong things?? you know all the things the addicts say about US to deflect...and how frustrating it can be when, yes, those things are true, i am being awful, but that changes NOTHING about the rest of this situation.
i just told him to get out. i came home from work and he is so obviously NOT in withdrawal...and then he disappeared into the bathroom for the same amount of time he does when i know he's shooting up. i found blood drips on the floor. his pupils all constricted. NO SIGN of withdrawal. he denies it. i told him leave. tell the truth or leave. if you want help and want to be honest, i'm here. i love you. i'm not dealing with the lies anymore. so he left. texted me how wrong i am, said the situation has "made me crazy" and i'm 100% wrong. i really am going with my gut on this one. i'm not wrong. i can't deal with this.
i've never been more happy to not be unique in my life.
i just told him to get out. i came home from work and he is so obviously NOT in withdrawal...and then he disappeared into the bathroom for the same amount of time he does when i know he's shooting up. i found blood drips on the floor. his pupils all constricted. NO SIGN of withdrawal. he denies it. i told him leave. tell the truth or leave. if you want help and want to be honest, i'm here. i love you. i'm not dealing with the lies anymore. so he left. texted me how wrong i am, said the situation has "made me crazy" and i'm 100% wrong. i really am going with my gut on this one. i'm not wrong. i can't deal with this.
i've never been more happy to not be unique in my life.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
One time in particular, my son did something very, very stupid...a pretty serious crime in this day and age. All the facts were in front of me and just so obvious. Both my husband and I (and almost everyone else) knew he did it.
My son was 12 and asked me "Mom, how could you ever think I could do something like that? Do you really think I am capable of doing something that stupid? It really hurts me that you have such little faith in me. That would hurt our whole family and you think I could do that?? That just makes me mad at you and Dad."
I actually started to have doubts when ALL the facts were so obvious. Later, my son's therapist laid in to me and told me if my son thought that his little speech worked on me, I just empowered him more. I so desperately wanted to believe he didn't do it that I almost couldn't see the facts right before my very eyes.
Guess what?? My son did it. He was charged and expelled from the 7th grade.
Stay strong, don't doubt yourself, the facts are right before your very eyes. You dont need him to tell the truth. YOU KNOW IT!!
My son was 12 and asked me "Mom, how could you ever think I could do something like that? Do you really think I am capable of doing something that stupid? It really hurts me that you have such little faith in me. That would hurt our whole family and you think I could do that?? That just makes me mad at you and Dad."
I actually started to have doubts when ALL the facts were so obvious. Later, my son's therapist laid in to me and told me if my son thought that his little speech worked on me, I just empowered him more. I so desperately wanted to believe he didn't do it that I almost couldn't see the facts right before my very eyes.
Guess what?? My son did it. He was charged and expelled from the 7th grade.
Stay strong, don't doubt yourself, the facts are right before your very eyes. You dont need him to tell the truth. YOU KNOW IT!!
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"I so desperately wanted to believe he didn't do it that I almost couldn't see the facts right before my very eyes."
yes! that's exactly it. i have let him tell me anything, no matter how little sense it made because he told it with such conviction, i would think after a while, ok...maybe i am a little crazy thinking this way...maybe i am an a**hole for thinking he could possibly do what i think he did. i didn't want to believe that he would, a. do the thing i knew he lied about, or b. make up such ridiculous nonsense while seeming to not feel bad about it at all.
looking back, i have seen so many other times when this has happened and i didn't get it at the time...i've become angry in retrospect about it regardless of the fact that the anger i feel is hurting no one but me...it's how i've felt. now i'm not dealing with it. i just don't have it in me.
by the way, driving to work today, thinking about all of this and wondering what the heck is going on, a truck passed me in the other lane. license plate: QUACK.
yes! that's exactly it. i have let him tell me anything, no matter how little sense it made because he told it with such conviction, i would think after a while, ok...maybe i am a little crazy thinking this way...maybe i am an a**hole for thinking he could possibly do what i think he did. i didn't want to believe that he would, a. do the thing i knew he lied about, or b. make up such ridiculous nonsense while seeming to not feel bad about it at all.
looking back, i have seen so many other times when this has happened and i didn't get it at the time...i've become angry in retrospect about it regardless of the fact that the anger i feel is hurting no one but me...it's how i've felt. now i'm not dealing with it. i just don't have it in me.
by the way, driving to work today, thinking about all of this and wondering what the heck is going on, a truck passed me in the other lane. license plate: QUACK.
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our lives have revolved around what his medication state is for this whole relationship. and i've been a willing participant...a hopeful, but willing, participant. not a victim, i am done with the whole victim thing. i make choices just like he does. i can choose that this life with this addict dictated by how many pills he does or doesn't have is not working for me. and it isn't.
he is still texting me i'm wrong, i'm insane...he hasn't done anything...i'm still saying, stop lying, i know you are lying.
he is still texting me i'm wrong, i'm insane...he hasn't done anything...i'm still saying, stop lying, i know you are lying.
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he is still texting me i'm wrong, i'm insane...he hasn't done anything...i'm still saying, stop lying, i know you are lying.
time to take care of yourself mstrust. if you don't no one will.
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Keep trusting your gut, but keep working on yourself and looking hard in the mirror, as well. You know when he is using and when he is not -- trust what you feel -- you don't need to have him tell you (and lie). But beyond trusting yourself and what you feel, think about why you need to know if he's using, why you need him to ADMIT it, when you already know that he's using. Something is making you very uncomfortable, so much so that you're acting irrationally (that's how I interpret what you've written here), and THAT makes you even more uncomfortable.
As I see it (based on my own similar experience), you've got two separate issues that are working in tandem on you: (1) you are living in an unacceptable situation, and (2) you've got some deep-rooted "characteristics" that are currently making it nearly impossible for you to change the nature of the situation and live in a healthy way. In my opinion, to address both issues, you first need to step back and let him sink or swim. He is actively using -- not only substances, but YOU, as well. He is consuming you, and you are permitting it to occur. Step back, protect yourself, and let him figure out what he wants...
I assume that you had hoped for something else to occur, such as a relatively smooth recovery with a minimum of change/damage to your relationship, but that is not what's happening, from what I gather. He's got to get serious about his recovery – otherwise, it's just an active addiction with a little more lying sprinkled on top. You need some distance in order to clear your head of the insanity. He needs to leave, and then, if he can show you with time and ACTIONS that he is, indeed, working on his recovery and not using (neither substances nor you), you can begin to let him back into your life (cautiously).
Your boyfriend's addiction will cause him to lie about everything – he will lie about lying – and you will only dig yourself deeper into the hole you're already in, which he has nothing to do with. Why is there such rage inside of you? What brought you to the point where you allow someone to twist you up into an angry knot?
In my case, I allowed my partner to do things to me, in terms of emotional abuse and physical violence, that I would never, ever allow anyone else to do to me. And I would be filled with rage over his treatment of me, over his lying, his manipulation, his silent treatment, his non-sensical stories. So, why did I allow that? Why didn't I protect myself? Why did I react with rage, but then permit the same treatment over and over again? I'm still working on an answer for that, but I've come a long way and understand that I felt uneasy and angry because it was completely unhealthy – it was going AGAINST HEALTH.
Our bodies and our psyches tell us when something is wrong (i.e., not healthy). I once put my hand on the hot coils of an electric stove, and after that one time I have never done that again.... but I permitted, time and time again, emotionally damaging (and occasionally physically damaging) treatment from my partner while he was in active addiction. Why did I do that?
I'm writing this to you because your partner is not making you crazy -- he is not responsible for your rage. You say that he has a problem... bueno, sure, he has a substance addiction and he's screwing up everything in his life. But that's his life, and he can screw it up if he likes. The consequences will be his to deal with, but as long as you align yourself emotionally with his addiction (and his recovery) you are willingly going along for the ride. But deep down inside you know that's not healthy, and something is making you feel very uncomfortable about it. So then there's rage.
Now is the time to let him be and to look at yourself honestly and lovingly. In my case, I needed to understand (among other things) how growing up in a family with an addict father shaped me and made me think that my partner's attitudes were acceptable. Your story is unique and you may discover other things about yourself, but I can assure you that in your process of self-discovery you will begin to understand the source of your rage, and learn to respond to uncomfortable situations with more helpful, healthful options.
Finally, everything I've said is only my opinion, based on my experience. I make no judgement, other than how I see things. I'm not saying that you should turn your back on this man (although you may ultimately choose to do so) -- what I *am* saying is that he needs to figure himself out, and you really can't help him with that, and that you need to work on yourself, as well, for your own good (health).
Big hugs from Argentina. I truly hope you begin to feel better.
As I see it (based on my own similar experience), you've got two separate issues that are working in tandem on you: (1) you are living in an unacceptable situation, and (2) you've got some deep-rooted "characteristics" that are currently making it nearly impossible for you to change the nature of the situation and live in a healthy way. In my opinion, to address both issues, you first need to step back and let him sink or swim. He is actively using -- not only substances, but YOU, as well. He is consuming you, and you are permitting it to occur. Step back, protect yourself, and let him figure out what he wants...
I assume that you had hoped for something else to occur, such as a relatively smooth recovery with a minimum of change/damage to your relationship, but that is not what's happening, from what I gather. He's got to get serious about his recovery – otherwise, it's just an active addiction with a little more lying sprinkled on top. You need some distance in order to clear your head of the insanity. He needs to leave, and then, if he can show you with time and ACTIONS that he is, indeed, working on his recovery and not using (neither substances nor you), you can begin to let him back into your life (cautiously).
Your boyfriend's addiction will cause him to lie about everything – he will lie about lying – and you will only dig yourself deeper into the hole you're already in, which he has nothing to do with. Why is there such rage inside of you? What brought you to the point where you allow someone to twist you up into an angry knot?
In my case, I allowed my partner to do things to me, in terms of emotional abuse and physical violence, that I would never, ever allow anyone else to do to me. And I would be filled with rage over his treatment of me, over his lying, his manipulation, his silent treatment, his non-sensical stories. So, why did I allow that? Why didn't I protect myself? Why did I react with rage, but then permit the same treatment over and over again? I'm still working on an answer for that, but I've come a long way and understand that I felt uneasy and angry because it was completely unhealthy – it was going AGAINST HEALTH.
Our bodies and our psyches tell us when something is wrong (i.e., not healthy). I once put my hand on the hot coils of an electric stove, and after that one time I have never done that again.... but I permitted, time and time again, emotionally damaging (and occasionally physically damaging) treatment from my partner while he was in active addiction. Why did I do that?
I'm writing this to you because your partner is not making you crazy -- he is not responsible for your rage. You say that he has a problem... bueno, sure, he has a substance addiction and he's screwing up everything in his life. But that's his life, and he can screw it up if he likes. The consequences will be his to deal with, but as long as you align yourself emotionally with his addiction (and his recovery) you are willingly going along for the ride. But deep down inside you know that's not healthy, and something is making you feel very uncomfortable about it. So then there's rage.
Now is the time to let him be and to look at yourself honestly and lovingly. In my case, I needed to understand (among other things) how growing up in a family with an addict father shaped me and made me think that my partner's attitudes were acceptable. Your story is unique and you may discover other things about yourself, but I can assure you that in your process of self-discovery you will begin to understand the source of your rage, and learn to respond to uncomfortable situations with more helpful, healthful options.
Finally, everything I've said is only my opinion, based on my experience. I make no judgement, other than how I see things. I'm not saying that you should turn your back on this man (although you may ultimately choose to do so) -- what I *am* saying is that he needs to figure himself out, and you really can't help him with that, and that you need to work on yourself, as well, for your own good (health).
Big hugs from Argentina. I truly hope you begin to feel better.
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