MiSoberbio

This was the beginning of my recovery: really admitting that even though I may feel something so strongly, something that feels so "right" to me, those feelings may be the result of something operating inside of me on a very deep level that isn't "right." Once I started to critically reconsider the SOURCE of my feelings, I started to be able to TRUST my feelings again.

It doesn't mean that there isn't love between me and my partner, nor does it mean that a relationship is impossible (although it's not guaranteed) –*it means that I have to be vigilant with my own recovery, and my recovery depends on healthy, honest decision-making.

mstrust

wow. just wow. i have a lot of digest. a lot to think about. some of these things i've already been working on for quite awhile but i get only so far and then slip. just today i thought, i take two steps forward and ten back.

i think my rage comes from a lot of things. and i know it originates within me and that the solution here is not to get HIM to fix it for me any more than HIS solution lies within me. i know he won't change if he doesn't really want to. and i know i need to protect myself. it's becoming more and more clear and i feel in some ways i am being taught a lesson again and again because there are bits i just haven't learned yet.

i come from a family that is emotionally distant. where more negative was focused on than positive. where i felt disliked and disregarded. my first "real" relationship was abusive and i didn't know any better. my second was the same story, totally different type of guy. i've been through almost every bad circumstance in relationships i can think of and i've put up with way more than anyone ever should. i believe a lot of my rage comes directly from that...from allowing all of that to happen to myself and not being stronger and allowing the damage to pile up...from being so starving for affection and "love" but not ever having seen it except on television and in movies, and we know how those situations are. my parents showed no love toward each other either. i thought again and again i wished they would just get divorced because they didn't even seem to like each other never mind love each other.

i also feel a strong sense that i NEED justice. that i must NOT be made a fool of or allow anyone to treat me like i'm stupid... yet that is all this one is doing. all he has done. i know i've been/am being used. i know justice is going to come from me setting myself free from this and nowhere else.

i'd like to believe somewhere inside i am making progress even if the circumstances haven't changed all that much. i can't keep hurting myself this way, i know that.

thank you so much for taking so much time to write that response. it's obvious you're speaking from experience and you know exactly what it's like to be where i am. i'll be keeping all of this in mind and taking it with me, mssoberbio...

Vale

The hardest thing...after all the effort,tears,money,frustration---is to realize
it was all for naught.And was from day 1.

Hard pill to swallow.

hello-kitty

It's naught for naught.

Life is a journey not a destination, and you (we all) are exactly where we need to be right now to get to where we are going.

But we have to let go of the heavy anchors of our past or our bad choices in order to move forward. We have to do that for ourselves. No one else can do that for us. And just because it's "hard" and "scary" doesn't mean it's not worth it or it can't be done. We need to be courageous and take charge of our own lives if we want to find happiness. If we feel paralized or stuck, we need to work on a solution for that. It's about being rigorously honest with ourselves and figuring what to do to have the life we want. And I'm not talking about what an addicted loved one needs to do (or stop doing) in order for us to be happy and fulfilled. I'm talking about us, individually - What do YOU need to do in order to have a better, happier, satisfying and love-filled life - the life you deserve? And what is your plan for getting there?

anond

Not to make light of your situation, but this really gave me a chuckle.
Talk about your HP giving you the timely message you needed!

Vale

>>>>>>>I'm talking about us, individually - What do YOU need to do in order to have a better, happier, satisfying and love-filled life - the life you deserve? And what is your plan for getting there?<<<<<<<<

To answer your 2 questions,Hello-Kitty:

1.No contact

2.Way past planning stage.Plan was executed as planned,post action
assessments are in.....mission accomplished!

pisceshippie

Mstrust I could have been the one writing everything you did....except mine is my husband and we have a little girl. I understand so much the feeling of going crazy and "attacking" verbally out of anger, disappointment and disgust. It seems like love should be enough...love for us. I feel like my husband has picked opiates (started w pills now heroin) over me. I've put a tracker on his phone, I'm following him, I'm searching pockets
.....insanity.
Right now I'm in the bedroom while he is withdrawing (day 2) in the other room. I'm so angry I could scream but I'm also proud he is at least attempting to beat this. But he has done it before and it only lasted a couple months.
One thing different this time that may help you. I have decided that instead of going crazy thinking he may be using again down the road....im going to just drug test him every couple weeks. May help him to not use and will keep me from always wigging out on him for being late or doing anything that suggests he is back on it. I found a $20 test at WalMart that does opiates, cocaine, meth, etc. One thing he will never do to me again is convince me in crazy. If it's positive....he can't lie his way out of it.

outtolunch

I was once the Queen of Truthers.
Looking back, I think I became obsessed with the truth as a way of validating my role in the whole situation and staying stuck.

For me, codependency is a disease of my ego. Really sick stuff.

outtolunch

Drug testing a partner usually leads to mutual resentment and does not work.

Any addict worth their salt can game a DIY at home drug kit.Saving clean urine and/or acquiring urine from other sources is common stuff in addict land.

Pissing clean at 8 does not mean one is clean and sober at 9.

A hair follicle test is a far more accurate read of the situation, over time. It's also more costly. Regardless, if a test comes up dirty, then what? He denies it or owns it and the cycle of promices begins once again.

Playing parole officer/warden is best left to the professionals.

mstrust

i've actually found urine in my freezer that mine saved in case he got tested at his doctor's office. it can be beat. they lie their way out of everything and anything.

pisces...mine said he went through withdrawal all week. i don't believe it at all. no sign of it but for maybe one hour one day when i was around. unreal. he "offered" to take a test and pee in front of me and all that. yesterday i said, ok, i want you to take the test--just to see. suddenly he had been just "trying to make a point"...and he literally said, "f**k you" to me.

i can't trust a word. and i'm working hard on understanding the truth-seeking is my own issue. trying to get ok with not having "proof" outside my own instinct. and i do believe that i want to be validated with it, outtolunch...and it is not at all healthy, you're right.

mstrust

hi guys. i just woke up from a dead sleep with a feeling of anxiety. he's been on the couch all week and i've been in the bedroom, as i've mentioned. i got up after debating it for a little while, and went out to see if he was at least ok. he was passed out, sitting up, out cold, basically...but very much alive. i found a cigarette pack with a bottle cap in it with residue from oxy 30s. he HAS been shooting up meds and has NOT been in withdrawal. i'm not sure where the pills came from and i really don't much care. and he is STILL trying to lie about whatever he thinks will make this less awful than it is.

well, i wanted truth. i got it. something wanted to wake me up. something made me go out there. now what do i do with it. i have to be up in another few hours to go to work. i knew it, i knew it, i knew it.

trust your gut, always...that is a big lesson learned here, among a few others that will become more clear over time. i'm oddly calm. i think i'll make less and less sense if i try to say any more tonight. i think i'll have a snack and get back to sleep. wish me luck and good sense, please... and thank you all again. do not know what i would do without this forum, without you guys who all know exactly what this feels like...

Vale

Most of us are very capable and competent people
.......once we know the name of the game.

Good luck to you.SR will always be there for you.

Momzo

Omg! I am going through the same situation! I just posted about it under the 'vampire' thread. Please read it. I felt like you the past 6 months...I was so mad at him. Obsessed with his lies. Trying to get the truth out of him...for what? It did nothing but take any energy I had out of me. The past 2 months I knew I had to let him go. I would come home and be so tired of fighting with him, I'd just go read or watch tv in the bedroom and he would pass out on the couch. I understand how you feel. I still feel torn, but I need to save myself...and so do you. I believe that the only thing I did to help save him was to kick him out. That was my ONLY option since he denied having any problems and yes, he too would say I'm crazy. I'm crazy for staying with him and falling in love with him. I think I feel in love with someone I saw in him...the someone who would disappear when he was under the influence, which was daily. Sorry for the long drawn out reply. My heart goes out to you sweetie. Love love love yourself ❤

mstrust

i saw your post and i replied...i feel without any ability to give advice. i can't take my own right this minute. it's nice to know we're not alone, i think... thank you for your reply. not long or drawn out at all. much appreciated.

Momzo

Unfortunately, I have. I smack him in the arm or push him when I know he is lying to me. I apologize later to him...there's no excuse for violence. He would drive me to my breaking point. We had our last blow out fight last Friday, that's when I told him he has to move out. I said that many times before and didn't follow through. Saturday morning I calmly told him why we need to break up. Yes..I cried too. Unfortunately, he didn't take all of his stuff so he will be back.

I would get so mad because I couldn't change him...or fix him..or help him. Maybe that's why you are acting like that?

I'm hugging you right now:ghug3 We will get through this.