BoxinRotz

Why is he at YOUR house? Why isn't he at his house? Are you two together or seperated?

FeelingGreat

Ouch Lath! When this started as a query about tidying up a home, I thought '50/50, depends'. But as you have revealed more information it's starting to look like an abused 'spouse' situation.
If I'm following this correctly, your partner and you were (are) living separately, you are raising the children, but are still expected to clean up after him? Maybe his family is very traditional, but why would you do his housework (& cooking?) if you are separated? And why is he now back at your place?
His family seems like a huge drain on your morale and reading between the lines they might bully him as well. He abusive reaction to you not going sounds like he is scared of them.
I'm not sure where you are geographically, but can you seek some professional support and perspective? Do you have your own family around? Or friends you can talk to? You sound very much alone.

Anaya

You might want to follow the same way (no contact) with the rest of those who don't support you and tear you down.

I am sure you have your hands full with your children and other responsibilities and don't need the negativity from his family spewed at you; that drama and negativity takes time and energy away from your efforts to provide a healthy and stable environment for you and your kids.

I think the poster above, who described the relationship with the negative family members as toxic, has a point.

Stay strong! We are here for you.

tbeit

My family is very much like this to my wife everything is her fault. We had to go no contact if we wanted our relationship to work. He doesnt sound like he's ready to make that kind of comitment to you if fact he sounds very controling to me and expects you to make all the concessions. Your going to have to decide if you are going to allow yourself to be treated poorly or if your going to stand up for yourself and tell him what your need. Have you tried telling him what you need? I'm not trying to be harsh here but if you dont ask for what you need your never going to get it.

SundaysChild

When my son went to rehab a year and a half ago, his room was a disaster. I wanted to leave it as it was for him to clean up- my husband wanted to clean it out. We left it as it was. After 4 months, when he was approved for his first home visit, we asked his case manager what to do. He suggested we clean it up, as the chaos it represented might be a trigger for him.

So, we did. Your mileage may vary - there is a difference being that it was in our house.

outtolunch

Active addicts and those new to recovery make lousy partners and parents.
Drugs rewire the brain to protect and sustain addiction- at any cost. Lies and manipulation are common tools.

Rehab does not cure addiction. Best case, it can teach a highly motivated addict some of the tools of recovery. Rehab is a cake walk compared to life in the real world where it's up to the addict to use those tools or not. That your guy left rehab early is not a good sign that he's committed to his own sobriety.

Alcohol and/or weed are common gateways back to the drug of choice.

What this guy and/or his blame-shifting family thinks does not define you or the situation. Your guy has a legal responsibility to contribute to the support of his minor children. Social services and the court will see to that as a part of any aid or assistance you may need.

It's not your job to clean up his mess or do as his family expects. Your #1 priority is protecting yourself and minor children from the ongoing chaos.

Al-Anon can give you some face to face support. Therapy is a new opportunity to relearn the skills you need to survive without the chaos of addiction and how to protect your children and yourself. It begins with boundaries. Is there anything remotely acceptable to you about exposing your children to anyone in active addicition, ever?

Most of us have confused boundaries with attempts to control other people.
" you will not.... or else..." is an attempt to control, leads to mutual resentments and does not work.

" I will not allow anyone in active addiction or new to recovery near my children" is a boundary. This means either you and the childen remove yourselves from the situation or he returns to his filthy home.

Lastly, ignore the words and pay attention to his actions. I suspect he's not done with the crack pipe and only you can save yourself and children from the insanity.

outtolunch

Huge difference.

Some caseworkers seem to encourage family codependency. Real life is a trigger for those new to recovery. The world does not change to accommodate the addict. Instead the addict needs to learn to take responsibility for themselves and learn how to live life as is/where is and do so without alcohol or drugs. Easier said than done. As we know, most addicts do not transition as well as we hope.