Finding me... Again?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 21
Finding me... Again?
I have spent the last 8 months in a relationship with an Addict. I loved him, cared for him, and in the end enabled him. What I have had taken from me emotionally, monetarily, and physically; will one day be rebuilt, recovered, reworked, rehabbed. This will take time. Time, lots of time. I look back at these past months and I just don't see me. I look at that person and I don't see me. When I finally got back into my own skin a few days ago... I am heartbroken for that girl. Heartbroken for letting her suffer for so long without saving her. I let her suffer, knowingly suffer. hard to believe i let it go on for so long. I have started to put on paper the situations I allowed my "line" to be crossed... Horrifying. Horrifying. Horrifying. From minors that alone sound like majors. To majors that I still cannot believe I allowed to continue... But I am back and going to find me. Find that girl I abandoned 8 months ago.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Welcome to SR! Actually, your post is remarkable, to escape with your clarity the twisted grip of a relationship with an active addict in only 8 months is actually a great feat. There is no doubt that even in that amount of time you sustained great damage, but you are getting clarity relatively soon.
Welcome to our recovery community, stick around and make yourself comfortable while you process through your own journey back to health and normalcy.
Sending support,
CLMI
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Welcome to SR.
It's amazing at what we sacrifice in the name of love, huh? You sound like a strong, smart person who is now on a new healthy path.
Sometimes a lesson in life is well worth learning if we discover the reasons why we did what did - so we don't repeat it again.
Keep believing in you, you are worth it.
It's amazing at what we sacrifice in the name of love, huh? You sound like a strong, smart person who is now on a new healthy path.
Sometimes a lesson in life is well worth learning if we discover the reasons why we did what did - so we don't repeat it again.
Keep believing in you, you are worth it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 21
Making decisions going forward is my biggest concern. I know the right path I can see it again. Finally. But this being new; I want to move forward and leave the past where it belongs. I have allowed myself to be used, I will not any longer, but I do own my role in the enabling. Now, I never want to have contact with him or his family. I need to get just a few more items out of My Home, then he will have no reason to contact me. But since I have enabled for so long, and his disease is so bad, I am concerned. I need to make decisions that will protect me, and my daughters, but I want to move forward. I am glad I found a forum to share, learn, get support, and one day hopefully give support. This site is a blessing and I am blessed to have found it.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I had the same thought - how amazing to do that in only 8 months. If only......
Addiction is incredibly pervasive and beguilling. It was shocking to me how quickly it snagged me into it's mix. And how long it took me to wake up and figure out a way to regain my own life.
Blessings to you....thanks for sharing this.
Addiction is incredibly pervasive and beguilling. It was shocking to me how quickly it snagged me into it's mix. And how long it took me to wake up and figure out a way to regain my own life.
Blessings to you....thanks for sharing this.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
If you are noticing any unhealthy similarities or patterns in your relationships, I would highly suggest you read Codependent No More. In fact, I would read it no matter what because IMO, most people have some codependency issues whether they see it or not.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 21
I have been tallying, writing, remembering all the money stolen, lies told, promises broken. I have gotten 90% of his things to his mother's house. I don't have the means to get the big items there. Why am I responsible for moving his stuff?? I don't want to see him, or want him here, but he has a sister...who has a husband. I guess I could have my sister's boyfriend and my cousin bring the stuff over.
When it comes to holding him accountable legally for things stolen, have I wanted too long, or let too much slid to press charges against him? He keeps calling me, fom a blocked number but I know it is him. His mother knows about the his addiction and is also an enabler. There is just so much... I let so much slid... I just want justice of some kind. Just very angry. At myself, and at him.
Sigh...
When it comes to holding him accountable legally for things stolen, have I wanted too long, or let too much slid to press charges against him? He keeps calling me, fom a blocked number but I know it is him. His mother knows about the his addiction and is also an enabler. There is just so much... I let so much slid... I just want justice of some kind. Just very angry. At myself, and at him.
Sigh...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 57
I struggled with this dillema after I broke up with my EXABF and made him move out. I didn't trust him in my house either. We broke up at the end of August, and as time passed I realized the amount of my stuff that was missing. I packed his stuff in boxes/garbage bags, and I put on the front patio. He had several large items, and I got someone to help me move them outside and I told him to come get it. Aside from that, I didn't communicate with him or allow him to come inside. Be warned, my EXABF was very angered and hurt by this, but I finally had enough, and I just wanted to be done.
Regarding "getting justice," I haven't reported the theft of my valuables to the police. I have pondered it, but I also know it is quite an ordeal. It's a bitter pill to swallow, because he cleaned me out of all my valuable jewelry and handbags. It's not too late to file a report. If you look at your state statutes, you will find a statute of limitations for theft. You have that amount of time to decide to report him. It basically depends on what you want to do. In my situation, I am leaning towards forgetting it and moving on.
Anger is an understandable feeling given your circumstances. Allow yourself to feel, but don't let those feelings consume you. It's easy to feel ashamed and foolish, but don't beat yourself up too much. From what you shared, it sounds like you chose to end the chaos, and that indicates that you learned from your experiences with your EXABF. Healing is a process, and it will take time.
I let a lot of bad behavior slide too. But I realized how important it was ,not only to forgive him, but also to forgive myself. If you read other posts, you'll see that you are not alone. Addicts are master manipulators, and the only thing that matters to them is funding their addiction. They will lie, cheat and steal from EVERYONE to buy drugs. I realized that my "justice" was getting away from my EX. I don't have to live that life anymore, and I am grateful for it.
You seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders. Trust your instincts and protect yourself and your kids.
~MLH
Regarding "getting justice," I haven't reported the theft of my valuables to the police. I have pondered it, but I also know it is quite an ordeal. It's a bitter pill to swallow, because he cleaned me out of all my valuable jewelry and handbags. It's not too late to file a report. If you look at your state statutes, you will find a statute of limitations for theft. You have that amount of time to decide to report him. It basically depends on what you want to do. In my situation, I am leaning towards forgetting it and moving on.
Anger is an understandable feeling given your circumstances. Allow yourself to feel, but don't let those feelings consume you. It's easy to feel ashamed and foolish, but don't beat yourself up too much. From what you shared, it sounds like you chose to end the chaos, and that indicates that you learned from your experiences with your EXABF. Healing is a process, and it will take time.
I let a lot of bad behavior slide too. But I realized how important it was ,not only to forgive him, but also to forgive myself. If you read other posts, you'll see that you are not alone. Addicts are master manipulators, and the only thing that matters to them is funding their addiction. They will lie, cheat and steal from EVERYONE to buy drugs. I realized that my "justice" was getting away from my EX. I don't have to live that life anymore, and I am grateful for it.
You seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders. Trust your instincts and protect yourself and your kids.
~MLH
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Welcome! Although it is hard to look back and realize what we put up with and that so many of our belongings have been sold off for drugs, don't let those feelings make you forget how strong you are.
You might see it as "how could I let it go on for 8 whole months?!" but I see it as "wow in such a small time she realized what was going on, got out of it, and has come out fighting". You want to refind yourself, and that is wonderful. It shows an awareness of what you want your boundaries to be and it shows you are going to work on yourself and make sure you aren't put in this situation again. You might be feeling a bunch of emotions right now, but try not to keep beating yourself up, some never get out of that situation and even worse, some never find themselves again.
As for trying to get justice, as stated in another reply if the statute of limitations has not run then you can. It is an uphill battle with proving you had an item and that he took it. If it was jewelry and you press charges in my state they can get the records from all the pawn shops of who came in and sold what since at a pawn shop you need to show I.D to sell something.
Keep reading and posting.
You might see it as "how could I let it go on for 8 whole months?!" but I see it as "wow in such a small time she realized what was going on, got out of it, and has come out fighting". You want to refind yourself, and that is wonderful. It shows an awareness of what you want your boundaries to be and it shows you are going to work on yourself and make sure you aren't put in this situation again. You might be feeling a bunch of emotions right now, but try not to keep beating yourself up, some never get out of that situation and even worse, some never find themselves again.
As for trying to get justice, as stated in another reply if the statute of limitations has not run then you can. It is an uphill battle with proving you had an item and that he took it. If it was jewelry and you press charges in my state they can get the records from all the pawn shops of who came in and sold what since at a pawn shop you need to show I.D to sell something.
Keep reading and posting.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 21
His mother canceled again. So I moved all his things into the basement. Had my locks changed. I am exhausted. When will he stop calling? I never answer the phone. He never leaves a message except for static sounds. Like his phone was put in his pocket. Remembering so many more things. He stole so much, lied, manipulated, hurtful, mean, bad talked about my best friends, and I stayed with him. I believed him, most of the time. I let him change my thinking. My thinking!!!!
My mom passed away this summer and I miss her so much. I feel so alone.
I think he keeps calling because he hopes I will get mad enough to answer the phone.
Turning off my ringer.
My mom passed away this summer and I miss her so much. I feel so alone.
I think he keeps calling because he hopes I will get mad enough to answer the phone.
Turning off my ringer.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 57
You are not alone! It's been 4 months since I broke it off with my EXABF. He lived with me and he was all I had. I got so involved in our relationship, I neglected my friends. My Best Friend eventually moved away, and when the chaos ensued, I felt like I had no one to turn to, but surviving that gave me strength. Find positive ways to keep yourself busy, do things with your children, or if you have the time volunteer. Don't let being alone or feeling lonely consume you; those feelings expose a vulnerability that can leave you susceptible to your EXABF's calls/apologies/etc.
If nothing else, keep posting and commenting on SR. I'm surprised how much it actually helps sort out my feelings.
~MLH
If nothing else, keep posting and commenting on SR. I'm surprised how much it actually helps sort out my feelings.
~MLH
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